Where Are They Now: The Original 13 Colonies: The Research-Free Edition

-I did the Power Rankings thing for a while. It was fun. I've decided to do another similar kind of list.
Where Are They Now: The Original 13 Colonies: The Research-Free Edition.
Because I'm not doing research for this, other than to find the order in which they were founded, please forgive any factual errors. Although I'm stating something negative about each state, I actually do like all of the states I'm mentioning, except Georgia.
1. Virginia (1607)
Key Positive Attribute: Beautiful landscape. Very clean. State government runs more efficiently than most other states. My family is from VA.
Key Negative Attribute: Former home of Jerry Falwell. Current home of Pat Robertson. Elected a jackass in George Allen, THREE TIMES. People like this make people outside VA think that VA is a crazy, backwards place.
2. Massachusetts (1620)
Key Positive Attribute: Home of some of the best universities in the world. And home of some of the best American writers.
Key Negative Attribute: Boston's sports fans are the most annoying people I've ever met. They whine non-stop. Also, the accents are heinous.
3. New Hampshire (1623)
Key Positive Attribute: I have no idea.
Key Negative Attribute: It's not their fault, but they have way too much say in who gets presidential nominations. I know nothing else about the state.
4. New Jersey (1623)
Key Positive Attribute: Gas is cheap. If you're into hookers, they're probably cheap in Jersey too.
Key Negative Attribute: It's New Jersey. You know all the negatives: stereotypical Jersey girls; guys on steroids; the smell (How can an entire state smell?); the attitude; the false confidence people have in their crappy state. This list could go on for years. Oh yeah, the accent. Worse than Boston.
5. New York (1624)
Key Positive Attribute: New York City has everything. Upstate is great too.
Key Negative Attribute: New York City must be the most inconvenient city in the West. No air-conditioning. Subways smell like piss. Can't drive unless you want to sit in traffic for years.
Even worse than the inconvenience is the egocentricity of New Yorkers. They think New York is the best at everything.
"I just bought a new suitcase."
"A new suitcase? Why didn't you talk to me first?"
"Why would I do that?"
"I'm from New York."
"So..."
"It's the suitcase capital of the world."
Coincidentally, it's the food, entertainment, glove, car, aardvark, clover, cinnamon, computer, basketball, music, tar, and fire capital of the world. You can actually put anything in that list and New Yorkers will swear it's true.
6. Maryland (1633)
Key Positive Attribute: The whole state isn't Baltimore.
Key Negative Attribute: Part of the state is Baltimore.
7 Rhode Island (1636)
Key Positive Attribute: It's soooo tiny.
Key Negative Attribute: It's soooo tiny.
8. Connecticut (1636)
Key Positive Attribute: I see it as a remote campus of Virginia, without the Falwell-type fanatics. It's just a nice place.
Key Negative Attribute: The KFC in Hartford smells like people are allowed to shit in the lobby. The chicken tastes old too. Why would I eat the chicken after discovering that the lobby smells like shit? I don't know.
Brandon Ivey and I just spoke at length concerning why the KFC bowl tastes horrible. We couldn't figure it out. All of the ingredients are great. One problem we did identify is the cheese. In theory, cheese makes everything better. Not the bowl. Cheese doesn't go with anything in the bowl. It makes no sense that they would put it on top. That's like, "How can we make this cake, pie, cookie combo taste better?" Put some ketchup on it. Everyone loves ketchup.
9.Delaware (1638)
Key Positive Attribute: TAX-FREE SHOPPING!!!! That's what every sign in Delaware stresses.
Key Negative Attribute: Because there's no sales-tax, they have to find some way to generate revenue. They do so by raping people who drive through. Two tolls in 11 miles. And the speed limit drops 20 from its neighboring states, so they can issue as many speeding tickets as they want. Boo Delaware. Boo you right in the face.
10. North Carolina (1653)
Key Positive Attribute: Great college basketball. Much less racist than the rest of the south.
Key Negative Attribute: Allergy season is unbearable.
11. South Carolina (1663)
Key Positive Attribute: Columbia and Charleston are a lot of fun. I have several great friends from SC.
It's presidential primary allows us to find out which candidates are racist and/or willing to do anything for votes. Speaking at Bob Jones University usually contributes to this.
Key Negative Attribute: They flew the confederate flag at the state capitol until 2000. Places like Bob Jones University exist in South Carolina.
12. Pennsylvania (1682)
Key Positive Attribute: The safe parts of Philadelphia. My step-dad's home state.
Key Negative Attribute: Comedy show at Red Devil Pizza in Carlisle, PA. Five people know what this means.
13. Georgia (1732)
Key Positive Attribute: Food and hospitality toward people of their own race.
Key Negative Attribute: Hospitality toward people of other races. Any music that has come from Georgia, other than Outkast.