Fun With Webstats Returns

-Apparently there's someone named Paris Hilton, and she just got out of jail.

-After a one year break, I've decided to do another "Fun With Web Stats" blog. This is where I list and talk about things from my website admin page, such as search phrases that lead to my site. This time, we're dealing with the stats from May. It's better than it sounds, I think.

-There's a "robot" called Inktomi Slurp, who hit my website 1,601 times. A robot called Speedy Spider did so 31 times. I have no idea of what this means. They're listed alongside Google and MSN, which I never considered to be robots. From now on, instead of saying "Google it," I'm going to say "Inktomi Slurp it," or "Tell a robot."

-89.5% of users have Windows and only 5.5% use Mac OS. 0.4% use Linux. What are the other 4.6% using? It says other/unknown. I didn't know there were other options. Turns out, almost as many people are using "other" as there are using Mac OS. Are they using DOS or Unix? I don't think my website is readable with those. This has been the nerdiest paragraph ever.

-26% of users are on Firefox. Respect.

1.2% are on something called Opera, and less than 0.01% are using Konquerer. What are these people doing? "Firefox is so corporate. I use Konquerer." Firefox is free. "Yeah, but in a corporatey way. I only use Konquerer and Opera." Do they work? "Sometimes. Did you know that Firefox has sweatshops in Gary, Indiana?"

And now... the "Search Keyphrases." These are things that people typed into search engines and were directed to my website. Some were entered many times. Some only once.

-Hilarious voicemail greetings - The answer is no. Voicemail greetings can never be hilarious.

-Hilarious voice messages - This is from someone who doesn't know the potential of the Internet. You can do so much more than listen to other people's voicemail.

-Dilf Hunter- Every month, around 50 people are directed to my site after searching this. I find that weird. Dilf means 'Dads I'd Like to Fuck." I don't know what this has to do with me.

-Curt Shackelford - He's a guy who runs shows in DC. His real name is Greg Estrada. Why would anyone drop Greg Estrada for Curt Shackelford? Because he's gypsy, that's why.

-Ryan Conner Milk - I'm going to assume that the other Ryan Conner does something with milk.

-Deodorant Rankings - Turns out there was a market for my deodorant power rankings. Thousands have read it. Color me surprised.

-Pterodactyl - The popularity of my dinosaur power rankings (one of my favorites), has caused searches for specific dinosaurs to be directed to my site. They're probably a little dissappointed when they discover that my rankings have more to do with Transformers than science.

-David Angelo Porn - David Angelo is a comic in Chicago. He's very funny, but does not do porn. Maybe this is a search for his porn collection.

-Tyrannosaurus - Just like pterodactyl, only slightly more exciting.

-www.dinosaur pictures - Learn how to search for things.

-site ryanconnercomedy.com ryan conner - This person has all the info they need to go to my site, yet they still felt the need to bring Google into the equation.

-body in da club - I don't know what this means. Could be a song lyric. I have a feeling that my site didn't answer this person's question.

-old guy using a walker - ?

-the very best the ryan conner - This person was either a) Looking for the porn-star. b)Creepy. c) Both

-where did the name quesenberry originate - I don't have that information.

-ryan conner hot oil clips - There are videos circulating of me using a deep fryer. I assume this is a search for those videos. They're priceless.

-rory joseph scovel - This must be a search by Rory's dad. Who else would enter his middle name?

-milky milky mister strange - This person has a tattoo of something abstract on their neck.

-fugly juggler beatles - These three words have nothing to do with each other.

-what happened to brian asselstine - Question of the century.

-is nba player richard hamilton expecting a child? - I don't know why this would direct someone to my site. Because of this, I'm going to start announcing, in my blog, when NBA players are having kids. This will not be based on fact. I will do this until I get letters from attorneys.

Ruben Patterson is expecting triplettes.

-peach tree ass - "Peach ass" would be a weird search. I have no idea what a "tree ass" could look like.

-sports aren't that great for kids - This person is not going to win their argument.

-homosexual activity and gym and new jersey and membership - They are trying to prove to someone that New Jersey gyms are gay. Or, they're trying to figure out in which gyms they can have sex with men.

-ultimate frisbee handshakes - The fact that ultimate frisbee has its own handshakes makes me hate the game more.

-clothes changers at nuggets halftime - Someone types this every month. It links to my site because I wrote about them being the worst halftime show I've ever seen. Somehow, I've seen them at three different games. All they do is change clothes really fast. People get excited during this show. It's baffling.

-mopeds with 2 seats in carlisle pa - Your search might be a little too narrow. Open it back up.

-who is bobby brown pkwy in atlanta named after? - Can't be serious. "Who was JFK High School Named after?" JFK. "NO WAY!"

-how does a cougar look? - This is from someone who thinks Google is a person. You don't have to type complete sentences. Just type "Cougar."

-black rape - Yikes!

-mom made me shave my pubes - I really don't like that this led someone to my site. I especially don't like that someone's mom had something to do with that decision.

-friar tuck arrested in disney s robin hood - Someone other than me thought the movie ended after the archery contest.

-why do dogs take the stuffing out of stuff - I don't know.

-she s like the wind by patrick swayze political issues - Ummm... political issues... ummm...in She's Like the Wind... ummm....?