Inventors, it's time to invent.

Two inventions need to happen, and they need to happen soon. They are both most likely impossible, but if anyone can figure them out, they'll be loaded.

Invention #1: Silent construction equipment. I don't know how anyone would go about silencing a jackhammer, but it needs to happen. 50 feet from my bedroom window is an elementary school that is being renovated. This means that every morning, starting around 7:30 AM, drilling, hammering, noise-making and stupid jokes commence. An example of a stupid joke would be:

"Hey Joe. Where's the fuckin' hammer?"

"I don't know, Marty. I thought you had the fuckin' hammer."

"I don't have the fuckin' hammer. Go find it, asshole."

"Shit, I don't got it. Where you want me to look?"

"Hey Joe. Just fuckin' around. I had the hammer the whole time. It was right here. Got you again."

"Marty, you S-O-B!"

That happens for hours, every day, right outside my window. It took a couple months, but I finally got used to it, until yesterday. At 8 AM construction began on a building on the other side of my apartment. This construction involved huge cranes and these cranes driving stakes 40 feet into the ground, through a concrete slab. This was done by hitting the stakes around two times per second. The sound was so loud that I had to squeeze pillows on each side of my head in order to muffle the noise and continue sleeping. One other problem existed though. The stakes were being driven into the Earth. My apartment sits on the same Earth. Therefore, with each strike, that's twice per second, my apartment shook like there was an earthquake... for hours.

Silent construction equipment. Let's get on it.

-If this next invention can happen, the world will be a better place.

I got new glasses yesterday. Glasses aren't the invention. There's something weird about the lenses. I don't know if it's because they're the first glasses I've had that correct my astigmatism or what. The problem/awesome feature, is that they eliminate depth perception. Actually, I can't tell if I have no depth perception or exaggerated depth perception, like a 3-D movie. It's annoying and great at the same time. The best part is that when I walk down the street, every car looks tiny and very close to me, and the ground looks like it's just below my waist. I try to touch it with my hands when I walk. It feels like I don't have legs. In turn, I constantly walk as if I've reached the top step but thought there was another one. I've tripped at least 12 times since yesterday. I'm sure I look like a jackass, marching down the street, but it's worth it.

I don't think I'm going to return the glasses to find out what the problem is. This is too fun.

The invention would be a drug that gives people this sensation for a few hours at a time. Trust me, you'd do this drug. I've never done and never would do LSD, but I'm guessing these glasses are like a safe form of LSD.