Stick to the rivers and the lakes that you're used to.

- No one has talked about this in the media, at your job, at church or anywhere. So I'm going to do it. The Soprano's ending was unexpected. What was that all about? Actually, I'm one of the people who liked the ending. But that doesn't matter. What does matter is that my friend Jim, a member of MENSA, called my friend Al at the end, freaking out.

[paraphrasing]

"Dude, what happened? The cable went out for about 10 seconds at my hotel. I can't believe this shit," Jim said.

"Oh man, you missed it. Are you sure you want me to tell you?"

"Yeah, tell me."

"The guy who was watching them, pulled out a gun. He just started shooting. He killed everyone in the diner, including Meadow when she walked in. Then, as he turned the corner, Tony got up shot him. Then he stared at the body and said, 'You motherfucker.'"

"Shit. I can't believe I missed it. I'm calling the front desk right now to complain. This is bullshit."

"Yeah. I can't believe that happened. They'll probably replay it. But now you know what happened."

After a little more panicking, Al told him Jim he was joking.

-My friend Rory Scovel was just on Comedy Central's Live at Gotham. He had a great set, which prompted Comedy Central to put him on their homepage. So, I decided to google his name to see if the Comedy Central stuff comes up first. It does. I scrolled down. The tenth result is a quote from my site. "Rory is a dick," is the quote. I wrote it because the night before, Jon Mumma reached out to shake his hand and Rory just walked away. He didn't see Jon. But if you were there, you'd think he did it on purpose. I hope people who saw him on Comedy Central don't search his name, see that, and think he's a dick. For the record, Rory is not a dick.

To make up for this, I'd like to share a video that Rory, Jon and Jay Hastings made. Enjoy.

-The U.S. Border Patrol has paid millions of dollars to sponsor a NASCAR car. Or is it just a NASCAR? I don't know if you have to say car after NASCAR. Why do they need to advertise? I understand that NASCAR fans are probably overwhelmingly against immigration, but what does the Border Patrol get out of the deal? I don't get it. Are they trying to get NASCAR fans to form militias? Let's hope not. I don't like the precedent this sets. If you don't have a product to sell, you shouldn't be able to sponsor a car. Otherwise we could hear, "And Kyle Petty is coming around turn 3 in the Michigan Militia/KKK car."

I can't think of an analogy, but I'm pretty sure it's the exact opposite of the DEA sponsoring an NBA team.

- Note: Rory might write about this exact topic, as we were together when this happened.

I've been saying for four months that New Jersey has the highest concentration of idiots of any place in the country, maybe the world. Not everyone is stupid here, but way too many people are. I don't know how the normal people who have lived here all their lives deal with it.

I can't find a movie theatre where everyone doesn't talk the entire time. It's like the old Eddie Murphy joke about people going to see him in 48 Hours. "You dropped ya pistol when you busted the window. Whatcha gonna do now?" Shhh... "Something wrong with your lips...? Something gonna be wrong with 'em if you keep doing that."

We went to see Knocked Up in Jersey City. Once again, the movie is called Knocked Up. Knocked Up is the name of the movie. In order to get in, you had to go to the ticket window and say, "I'll have a ticket to Knocked Up."

There were only six people in the theatre, other than us. The two in front of us were fine. The four, who sat directly behind us in an otherwise empty theatre, were morons. They talked the whole time. When others would laugh, they would instead yell, "Oh shit!" Or, "Uh-uh." Occasionally, they'd throw in an, "Oh no. That ain't right." At one point, one of the women said, "That's a nice house," which had nothing to do with anything. The house wasn't even very nice. We'll call this woman Susie.

Spoiler Alert: This next part is only a spoiler if you're from Jersey City.

Two characters had sexuals. They made it clear that a condom was not used. Moments later, it showed the cells splitting after fertilization. About three minutes later, the female character was at work, when she got sick and threw up. At this point, Susie yelled, "Awww, I think she's pregnant."

I did not make this up. I may have got a word or two off, but that's it. That may be the stupidest thing I've ever heard. How was she not tipped off? How could someone from a place like Jersey City not be familiar with the term "knocked up?" I bet half of Jersey City's residents get pregnant before they graduate from high school. I refuse to believe that they say "with child" instead.

-There is a gem of a quote from 50 Cent on the cover of the new The Source. Because The Source's website is currently down, I'll have to paraphrase. It's something to the effect of, "I don't see any reason to resolve no issues with nobody." I'm pretty sure the double-negative was unintentional. Rather than resolve issues with people, we should all just record shitty club rap records about the people we dislike. Then the world would be in perfect harmony. Every song would have to include at least three mentions of our favorite liquor, car and denomination of money. We should all start doing this tomorrow. From top to bottom. Our government will even do an album about Iran and North Korea. That'll learn 'em.

His first album was called Get Rich or Die Tryin'. His goal has nothing to do with music. It's about having money.

I don't want to sound like Tipper Gore, but I can't believe this guy is someone my little brothers and nephews listen to.