New Jersey is a bad place.

-Organic milk is way better than regular milk. Look into it.

Now, onto other matters.

-If you're looking to get arrested in Hoboken, NJ, follow these steps.

1. Park your car on a street. Make sure it's legal.

2. Discover your car is missing the next day.

3. Find out it was towed, due to it being parked in an "Emergency No Parking Zone."

4. Call the Parking Utility and inform them that there are no signs indicating that it's illegal to park there.

5. Get yelled at by the Parking Utility for calling the Parking Utility. They don't appreciate that. People in this area are proud to be assholes. No one more so than the Hoboken Parking Utility. Sidenote: Every person working there looks like Ms. Crabtree from South Park, or looks like someone Ms. Crabtree would hang out with. I told the woman, "There are no signs."

"Well you can't park there. My computer says there some signs there."

"I'm standing here and there are no signs at all."

Then the woman starting yelling at me. I don't remember what she said. I wrote it down somewhere, but I can't find it.

I replied to her yelling with, "I'm the one whose car got towed. Why are you yelling at me?"

At an even louder volume, she replied, "You're the one talking about there's no signs and mess. I see you can dish it, but you can't take it."

Then she hung up on me.

Never during this conversation did I raise my voice or sound condescending. She angered herself.

5a. Pick up car from towing company. When you pick it up, it will have someone else's ticket on the windshield. Because of this, you will never know your ticket number. Throughout the following steps, you will be asked your ticket number at least 20 times. You will never know the answer to the question.

6. Go to the Parking Utility and be told that you need to pay my ticket before appealing it.

7. Talk to their only honest employee. She will inform you that her colleagues were trying to trick you into paying it, so you can't appeal. Paying the ticket is an admission of guilt.

8. Go to criminal court. In Hoboken, they don't differentiate traffic and criminal court. So, it's very fun. Bring pictures of the tow site, as well as a tow receipt.

9. Find out that you have sufficient evidence for a trial. A trial? What? It's a parking ticket? Murderers have trials? Yes, you'll have to return to criminal court for an official trial.

10. Receive two conflicting notices concerning a court date. Call the court only to find out both notices were incorrect. The actual court date will be on a third, unmentioned date.

11. Because you didn't receive a notice in the mail, you forget about the court date.

12. Get up in the morning to drive to Rochester to pick up an electric piano. Before leaving, check your calendar to discover that you were supposed to be in court two hours earlier.

13. Call the court to pay the ticket and get it over with.

14. Be informed that because you missed your trial, there is a warrant out for your arrest. At this point you will inform them that it's over a parking ticket for which you aren't guilty. They will reply that it doesn't matter. You didn't show up to your trial (which would be held alongside multiple violent criminals, while people involved in organized crime in Hoboken keep criming it up), so you will be arrested and detained.

15. You will realize that if you go to Rochester now, you will technically be a fugitive. You will decide that's something you don't want to be. So, you put on one of your three non-t-shirts, and pants that aren't blue jeans. In this case, they were thick black jeans. Then you go outside in the 100 degree heat and run to the courthouse, which is 0.6 miles away. When you get there, you will be dripping sweat on everything.

16. Find the court-appointed attorney and tell him you forgot about the court date.

17. Be told to run inside immediately before they file the arrest warrant.

18. Go to the "Don't Arrest Me Window," or whatever it's called. Ask for another court date. Drip sweat all over this person's stuff. That should invoke sympathy. Be told that I'm "post to be arrested." Ask if there's anything that can be done, whether it be that I pay the ticket or get another court date. At this point, the employee will disappear, without saying anything, for about 5 minutes. I knew she would return with either a police officer or good news. Turns out my arrest warrant was minutes away from being filed. I got out. I'm supposed to get another court date. I'm pretty sure they won't notify me. This is over $110.

Don't move to New Jersey.