Satanic Theocracy

-I've spoken out about the horrors of organic peanut butter in the past. For some reason, I bought another jar of it. Why? Because it said, "Valencia Peanut Butter: Valencia Peanuts Are Smaller Than Other Peanuts." Somehow I read that, and thought, "Oh, I have to buy this." What kind of moron am I that I would fall for "smaller than other peanuts"? Not better, smaller.

If we're keeping score on organic foods...

Organic milk - Much better than regular. They taste like completely different beverages. Yes, I still drink chocolate milk, often.

Organic eggs - Much better than regular. I don't even understand this one, but they are much better. The shells are also stronger, thus preventing any shell shrapnel falling into the pan.

Organic bananas - No difference at all.

Organic cheese - Slightly different. Not better or worse.

Organic peanut butter - Inferior

With Love,

Martha Stewart.

-I just did a show at a college in Castine, ME. Every school I do buys a meal for me. Usually it's Applebee's if I'm lucky, or a steak'um if I'm not. I had a lobster roll, which is a lobster on a roll, for lunch today. That's a step up.

This is a small, small town. After the show, I went to a bar with the student activities director, in search of food. Actually, when I say "a bar," I mean "the bar." The tiny bar. While there, a middle-aged woman approached me and asked me when my birthday is. I told her December, 17, and asked why. She said, "Because I know someone who looks like you, and wanted to see if you have the same birthday." I'm pretty sure that isn't how genetics works. The woman from the school, whom I was with, was told a year ago that "bad things are going to happen" to her. A few months later, the women told her that she had a "beautiful aura" and things are going to work out.

If you have any friends who believe in astrology, stop being friends with them.

-My friends and I have a new band. We're called Confirmation Dick. The name came about when someone said, "I need confirmation, dick." I couldn't hear the comma. And a new band was born. The meaning of the name? When you aren't sure if you're gay or not, you have confirmation dick to figure it out. "Are you gay?" Not sure. Haven't had my confirmation dick yet. [Insert Catholicism jokes.]

Our other new bands are Satanic Theocracy and Semen Receipt.

"Did you get your Confirmation Dick?"

"Yeah, I have the Semen Receipt right here."

-Let's hope this Senator Craig stuff lasts a long time. Because I wrote a joke about it that is really good.