Good Business

-The blogs have been coming slowly. My badsies. No time lately. Way behind. I'm going to do a full, legit blog here. Expect another power blog in the next couple days.

I was in Seattle and Portland for a few days of shows last week, as well as a few days of hangout sessions with Andy Haynes (Yes, the Andy Haynes from my links page). On day two, we got up and had breakfast. After breakfast, we had no plans until a show that night. So Andy walked up to me and said, "Hey, want to drive into the mountains and get into a giant hot tub?" My response was, "That sounds really gay. But yeah. Let's do it." I won't go into details right now. However, I will say that the day included espresso and Hans Blix. Seriously. The real Hans Blix. I will post a photo diary of the day soon, once it is published. Stanley Dirkson is writing about the day for the newest issue of Seattle Friendship Magazine, in the Lazy Thursday's section. Be on the lookout.

-I recently met the smelliest person I've ever been around. He stunk so badly that he clouded my judgment. This prompted me to sincerely ask one of his friends if he "keeps shit in his pockets, or if he's made out of assholes?" Neither are the case.

-I had a show a couple hours from Chicago last week. Had to rent a car for the trip. Once again, I rented the cheapest available and was upgraded for free. This streak is at about 15 cars now. I rented a Kia, and got a Prius. That's like getting a promotion when you thought you were going to get fired. Lesson: Always rent cheap cars.

I forgot to bring CDs for the ride. Instead, I scoured the radio. Listened to Bush's press conference for about 40 minutes. Two questions: 1. How can he still not say "nuclear"? It's a really easy word to say. New-clear. It's easier to say and sounds better than "New-cu-lar." And he's an adult. So, why does he still say it incorrectly? If you can't pronounce a word that you have to say on a regular basis at your job, you should automatically lose that job. Scandals aside, shouldn't that be enough for impeachment? New grounds for impeachment: Treason, Perjury, Talking like a moron... Question/Actually a Statement #2: The president used the phrase, "This ain't my first rodeo." The problem wasn't that it's not a presidential phrase, which it isn't. The problem was that he used it in a context that made no sense. The press corps is so desensitized to this kind of thing that they weren't even phased. I don't remember the exact question, but it was equivalent to someone asking you, "Are you going to get gas before you get on the highway?" This ain't my first rodeo. "I'll take that as a maybe."

14 months left. If you're thinking about who to vote for in the primaries, before you even look at anyone's politics, be cognizant of the fact that Fred Thompson may be a worse speaker than Bush. Do we need four more years of the world thinking we're illiterate?

-I was carded at a bar. The bouncer looked at my ID, then looked at me. Then looked at the ID again. Then he said, "Look at you. You have old eyes. I thought you were younger than that." I have no idea of what this could mean. Not even a guess. I have "old eyes," but he thought I was younger than my ID says, or my eyes suggest? There's a lot of contradiction there. I don't get it at all.

-My show in Illinois last week was at Eureka College, in Eureka, IL. It was a nice little town, a fun school with cool students, and a great show. Now that the pleasantries are out of the way...

Ronald Reagan went to this school. I know this, because there were signs that let me know this posted at 15 feet intervals. I'm sure it's a good school. And I'm not an elitist in any way, especially when it comes to education. But I don't think a president should be able to go to a college that only 700 people have heard of. I don't think they should have to go to an Ivy League school, but maybe Stanford, UVA, Michigan, UT-Austin, UW-Madison, UC-Anywhere, UNC. Not a small liberal arts school. That's all I have to say about that.

My favorite part about my trip to Eureka was the conversations with students after the show. A guy named MJ, came up to me. He had a twang in his voice. It didn't sound southern though. It was a hybrid accent that I had never heard, but it sounded cool. I thought he said, "Hey man. You rocked my socks off, for real."

So, I said, "What was that? I didn't hear you."

He repeated it. Sure enough, he said, "Hey man. You rocked my socks off for real." And this time, he followed it up with, "Good business." Recap: "Hey man. You rocked my socks off, for real. Good business. Good business." That is the best compliment anyone has ever paid me. Actually, second best. One time, my mom said, "Don't worry, all the cool kids will work for you one day." That makes a kid feel great, especially when it's preface with "Don't worry." Anyway, MJ's compliment will be on every flier for every show I ever do ever from now on, ever, forever, ever. I don't know how he's created his own vernacular, but I salute him for it. Good business, MJ. You're going in my Top 8.

While in the lobby, after the show, I saw a guy wearing a Manchester United jersey. He was standing in front of me, so I asked, "Man-U fan?" He said yes and asked if I am. I told him, "No, but I like watching them." I asked if he plays for the school team and where he's from. He's from Trinidad and he plays for the team. Then there was a brief silence, which he interrupted by stating, "Your head looks huge on stage."

I asked, "What?"

"Yeah. I don't know what it is, if it's the light or something. But your head looked huge when you were on stage."

"Thanks," sarcastically.

"It looks normal now. But when you were performing, I kept thinking..."

"Maybe you had my hair mixed up with my actual head?"

"No. It's the head itself."

"Alright. Nice meeting you."