NEW CE SONG. and other things.

-The latest Crucial Element track is now available here. It's called "Hos Run in Packs (They Run in Packs)," and its the best CE track by far. This is the "radio" release. We'll be releasing the "Album Version" soon on our myspace page. It contains an additional interlude. Yes, "additional" does imply that it already contains at least one interlude. Who knows, maybe more. Listen to the end. Every second.

-CBS still airs Big Brother, a show which I thought lasted one season about 10 years ago. Apparently it's at least slightly popular. Popular enough to have a supplementary show on Showtime, called "Big Brother... After Dark." When I see those words, I think along the lines of "Springer: Too Hot for TV." Something filthy. Not the case here. Al and I watched for about 20 minutes recently. It was a live feed of a woman painting her toenails. That's it. That's the entire show. They just show whatever is happening at the house at that time, regardless of what it is. I highly recommend this show if you're into horrible things. It's impossible not to laugh hard when you see that things like this are on "premium channels."

-Friday night, I did my second show this year at a venue called Toquet Hall, which is in Westport, CT. It was awesome. I did 1:15 and felt like doing another 30. Small, but great crowd. Matt Mayer came with me to do 10 minutes to open. In addition to Matt, the venue booked a couple students to go up before him. First was a guy named Nate. He was naturally very funny, and has a ton of potential. The second guy... and I'm only saying this to give advice to guys who are just starting out... Humility is important. Don't do the following things if you're a new comic and were booked on a legit show: 1) Talk to the other comics as if you're too good to be on the show. 2) Ask the other comics how much they're getting paid. 3) Walk by the stage to leave during the next comic's set.

-Nimbus makes a bad-ass toothbrush.

-Thursday afternoon, as I was writing the previous blog, I got a call, asking me to do another show that night. It was a cool show at Comix NY, called Dating It. The show has been featured at Montreal (Just For Laughs) for the past several years.

The show consists of 5 comics. Each does a 4 minute set. Then people from the crowd raise their hands to volunteer to go on a speed-date with the comic on stage. Sounds awkward at first. It was the opposite. Unawkwark. Non-awkward. Anti-awkward. Comfortable. Something. At the end of the speed-date, we were to check a yes or no on the back of an index card (Hello, elementary school) to determine whether the couple goes to the next round. The second round was similar to The Newlywed Game, with everyone getting the same questions, and the contest being whether or not your answer matches your partners.

I was up last, and had a ton of time to kill. And free beer to kill. I normally drink only water before performing. However, I feel like I can do four minutes even if I've been doing shots of Lysol. So, in the hour before I went up, I had a Stella, a Heineken and a Guinness. That's not much to most people. But for someone (me) who has roughly four alcoholic beverages per month, that's enough to make that someone (me) extremely limber (almost drunk).

We had to answer four questions for our intro.

Hometown: Woodbridge, VA

Turn-ons: Funny, smart and negative STD tests.

Turn-offs: Self-conscious, superficial people. I'm also not into cleft pallets or artificial limbs. But you never know.

What celebrities have you pleasured yourself too: None. I know my limits.

My set went well, as did all of the comics'. That's not what mattered though. The important thing was the speed-date. Going into it, I was slightly worried that there would be no volunteers to join me. I told the host, the very-funny Collette Something, to bring a guy on stage if no women volunteered. I couldn't promise that there would be a second date if a guy came on stage, but I'll talk to a dude for three minutes anytime. No problem.

The girl who came up was named Krista. She was cool and Asian. If my 11-year-old brother, Sam, saw her, he would have said, "Mmm... She's doing something right." He actually said that about Hillary Duff. It was the opposite of comfortable.

It was time for the three-minute date. I can't stress how limber three beers in an hour makes me. I pulled out my notebook, which I filled with date questions. Let's just cut to the transcript from here:

RC: I'm not really good with icebreakers, I guess. So, I'm just going to jump right in. Is that okay?

K: Sure.

RC: Do you support the War on Terror?

K: [laugh] No.

RC: Have you always hated freedom, or is this a recent thing? Okay, now we know you're a bad American. Let's move on...

Have you accepted Jesus Christ as your Lord and Savior?

K: No.

[fist pound]

RC: Now you ask me a question.

K: Do you like baseball?

RC: [Notices her Yankees necklace] Hate it.

K: Would you talk to me while I'm watching it?

RC: Yes, I mean no. Hold on, should I?

K: No.

RC: No. And if you talk to me during a Bulls game, consider this thing over, [looks at her name written on the table], Krista.

Can you tell that I do 300 push-ups every day?

K: [laughs] No. Do you have a magnifying glass?

RC: Me either. Maybe it's my form or something. I figure it has to be technique-related. I feel like I do them. The results aren't very visible though. Maybe I should have someone watch my form.

You ask a question now.

K: Do you have a problem with lawyers?

RC: No. But way to throw that out there. Great question.

I've noticed that you don't have a glass eye. Do you have anything else that would bother me as much as a glass eye, such as a prosthetic limb? (No offense, Bryson.)

K: No. But I have two tattoos.

RC: That's fine. What are they?

K: A phoenix...

RC: A phoenix, like the bird?

K: No, the city.

RC: Good point

K: I have a map of Phoenix.

RC: Why a phoenix? I can't understand that? What does it symbolize. [In female voice] "Because I will rise again." What the fuck does that mean?

I think we should move on. Ask another question.

K: What's your favorite color?

RC: What? I don't have a favorite color.

K: How do you not have a favorite color?

RC: I'm a guy. No guy has a favorite color. We just accept that every color exists. We wear them and look at them on an as-needed basis.

Are you any good at Madden?

K: No.

RC: Hmmm... questionable.

K: Do you like dogs?

RC: Not really.

K: How about cats.

RC: No. This is going well. I mean, yes, I love cats.

How many pillows are on your bed?

K: Four.

RC: Not bad.

Bell rings. Date over.

I didn't get to one of my key questions: "Abortion, yea or nay? Cite examples."

All five couples checked yes for the second round. They asked all of us the same questions and we had to see if our answers matched. At this point, I may have been beyond limber. Not sure. I know I had a hard time understanding words.

Question #1

You want to put on some music to "set the mood." What do you play, Sinatra, Arcade Fire, Kanye West, or CATS?

I think Sinatra is great if you want to set the mood for dishwashing. Kanye West contains too many 80s samples to be considered even slightly sexual. CATS. And Arcade Fire sets the mood for buying a new Nintendo shirt that is four sizes too small, and complaining about corporate corruption. I still went with Arcade Fire because of the song "Tunnels." Krista went with Sinatra. What a whore. What a G-D whore.

Question #2

You decide to watch a porn together. Which is it? Debbie Does Dallas, Where the Boys Aren't, Chitty-Chitty Gang-Bang, or [Something about a tranny]?

My answer: Where the Boys Aren't, part 8. Shit. I just told on myself. I was in college.

Krista chose Debbie Does Dallas. I would have chosen that too, but I didn't know if we were referring to the original or the remake. I didn't want to ask., because I didn't want to tell on myself. Irony.

We got a couple right after this.

Question #5

[At this point, I didn't even know what was going on.]

In Superman, what does his penis do when he's around kryptonite?

I haven't seen the movies in a while, so I thought I forgot the answer. I didn't know we were supposed to make something up. Makes sense, as they probably wouldn't address that in a children's superhero story.

Most of the answers were along the lines of "See through vaginas." I thought they had seen the movie, which caused me to panic, thinking, "That makes sense!" But it was my turn and I had to tell them the answer on my card, which was, "Shit. He shits out of his dick. That's pretty super, right?" It got a big laugh, but I don't think it's in the movie.

Question #6/Challenge #1

Dance together. I forgot what song was playing. It was a common hip-hop song. I couldn't think of anything. Krista suggested we dance "middle-school style." That was the idea of the night. We practically stood still, my hands on her waist, hers on my shoulders, arms fully-extended. And we were talking loudly.

RC: What time is your mom picking you up?

K: 9:30.

RC: Mine is coming at 9:15. I guess you're going to have 15 minutes to yourself. [Insert nervous laugh.]

End of dance.

The crowd voted on the best dance. We won. That propelled us to the two-team final.

The final challenge, which I had to ask Collette to explain two or three times, due to my lack of understanding of words, was to act out the scene at the door at the end of our first date.

We stood there, looking around, nervously.

RC: So, umm, I had a really good time.

K: Me too.

RC. Haha, good. That's good.

K: Yeah.

RC: Umm... are your parents home?

K: Yeah. But they're cool.

RC: High-five!

We exchanged a high-five.

Game over. We won and walked away in opposite directions. Hooray and huzahh.