Live Sporting Events Power Rankings
A new power rankings is severely overdue. The first one was written over a year ago, about deodorant. It still gets roughly 100 readers per week, and over 9,000 for the year. I think I'm legitimately making my mark on the deodorant industry. That's right deodorant industry. Send me free deodorant. Maybe you'll get good publicity. This is clearly where people go to read about anti-perspirants. The dinosaur power rankings gets fewer readers, however the dinosaur market has stabilized, so I don't think there's a possibility to affect the dinosaur market.
This rankings is about live sporting events (or similar events), which I have attended at some point in my life. Keep in mind that these are only opinions. If you hate basketball, football, and soccer, but love baseball, your opinion is wrong, and that's okay.
1. NBA - Nothing matches the action of an NBA game. On TV, sometimes it's hard to grasp the level at which they are playing. When you're at a game, and can see the athleticism and precision first-hand, it can be shocking at times. They combine the game plan and execution of football with the fluidity of soccer. The fans are great too. If you support the away team, no one cares (Unless you're in Detroit, where you will get stabbed. But that could just as easily happen on the streets in Detroit). Everyone gets along. What takes it to the next level? The half-time shows. They are almost always awful. But so awful they're great. I've seen this one three times:
Why is it interesting? I have no idea. But they work every NBA arena. It's the lamest form of entertainment I've ever seen. But it's Roadhouse bad. I love watching people get into it. "She was wearing a purple dress. Now she's wearing a red dress! I don't believe it! What a useful skill!"
Another horrible half time show involved two acrobat brothers who were basically doing a bunch of stunts that involved putting their crotches in each others' faces. The entire arena was laughing and cringing in unison.
No other sport has that.
There is also a chance that the players on one team have more children than everyone else in the arena combined.
No other sport has that.
Overall: 10 out of 10.
2. NFL - I attended my first NFL regular season game last night (Cowboys at Eagles). It was incredible. Very different from the NBA. First, we "tailgated," which I had never done. We went to a parking lot in which there were about 100 buses that people have converted to Eagles buses. That's commitment. My favorite said, "Dallas Sucks," on the back. And "Show us your TITS!" on the front. That was the important statement they were trying to make. "Show us your (capital) TITS!" A guy that I had just met gave me a sandwich that was steak, with provolone on a roll. Top 10 sandwich of all time. No other sport has that.
Also, no other sport has hilarious forms of homophobia. Street vendors were selling shirts that read, "Dallas Sucks. Romo is a Homo." At that point, sports and WWF merged, creating a super event. The game itself was awesome, even better than on TV. The atmosphere was funny. Eagles' fans chant "Asshole" whenever they get a chance. They are not okay with the fact that people were born in different cities and support other teams. They want the entire world to be Eagles' fans.
The game is much faster live. And Terrell Owens is even more fun to watch. He was incredible. Every time he touched the ball, it felt like he could score a touchdown. Today he was quoted as saying something along the lines of people not booing him much because they like him. He's right on one account. They didn't boo him a lot. But that's because he was destroying their team. Instead of booing, people were quietly saying, "Anyone but T.O."
The guy next to me yelled, "Take off your hat!" during the national anthem. You're not going to get that anywhere else, other than a NASCAR event. We all know that if you wear a hat during certain songs, you hate freedom and love terrorists. Fact. Also, if you remove your hat during "Cat in the Cradle," it means you're a deadbeat.
Overall: 9.9 out of 10.
3. MLS - Although the level of play is much lower than the elite European teams, it's still very high. Soccer is a game that, if you don't play it, you have to see it live to appreciate it. I think the same goes for hockey.
The atmosphere is incredible too. First, the teams walk out with youth teams. This keeps the fact that it's a just a game in perspective and adds humility to the event. I'd like to see something like that in other sports. Maybe a kid on Brian Dawkins' back as he bounces around the field like Wolvereine, during introductions.
In no other sport do you hear fans singing songs about their team for the duration of the game. Songs whose words you can't understand because they are being sung in about 2,000 different accents. The fans are polite. And about 10% of fans carry a random musical instrument. Sometimes a trumpet. Maybe a drum. A tambourine, cowbell, tuba, kazoo, finger cymbals, saxophone, or possibly a megaphone. No matter what instruments are present, none will be played in unison. And no melodies will be allowed. They are meant to be blown into or hit at random, without any sort of skill. It's the environment that I wish was present at cock fights. You get a few guys playing trumpet for the first time at a cock fight, and I'm there. That's all it takes.
Overall: 9 out of 10.
4. NHL - Never been to an NHL game. Seems like it would be fun though. I can't follow the puck on TV, which makes it hard to watch. I'm guessing the only downside would be the 20 minutes between periods. Why don't they have faster zambonis by now? Seems like the NHL would have people working on that every day.
I love soccer, UFC, ice and sticks. Hockey is a combination of those things. What is there not to like?
Overall: Speculative 8.9 out of 10.
5. College Basketball - I hate college basketball. Despise it. There is absolutely no defense, other than an occasional blocked shot. I've never understood why people watch amateur events when professionals do the exact same thing. Why wouldn't you want to watch the people who do it better?
College basketball's redeeming qualities are: 1. The fans are crazy. Crazy is fun. 2. Because there is no defense, and the refs are horrible, a 20 point lead can be erased in about 3 minutes. That's exciting.
Overall: 8.2 out of 10.
6. WWE/WWF/Medieval Times - Professional wrestling and Medieval Times are the exact same thing. The shows involve a lot of over-the-top drama, hos, a little bit of action that is clearly fake, people who think it's real, and a lot of people going home to the trailer park after the show.
Overall: 7 out of 10.
7. College Football - Once again, why do we watch it when professionals exist? Another reason I don't like college sports: You have to learn 25% of each team's roster every year. Who has that kind of time? In pro sports, each team gets a couple new players each year. Bingo-bango.
Overall: 5 out of 10.
8. Middle/High School Sports - Middle school and high school sports are like an ace in a deck of cards. It can be the highest or lowest ranked. The difference is that it's usually the lowest in the deck. My brothers play middle and high school sports. They are not fun to watch at all. They don't even resemble the professional versions of their sports. However, every now and then they are the high card in the deck. That happened when I saw my brother give a kid a game-ending concussion on the first defensive play of his life. Not only did the game end for the concussed kid, the ref decided everyone should go home. He didn't even blow his whistle. He just signaled that it's time to go. No other sport has that.
Overall: 3.1 out of 10.
9. Tennis - I love playing tennis and watching it on TV. Watching live is horrible. You have to be funeral silent, only clapping politely after points. It's terrible. People show their excitement by raising their eyebrows. That's natural. At Wimbledon, the sport's main event, the marquee stadium food is Strawberries and Cream. Exciting!
Overall: 2.1 out of 10.
10. Bullfighting - It's pathetic that this exists. I watched a lot of bullfights on TV in Spain. I only watched because I was rooting for the bulls to kill the matadors. That never happened. One bull was stabbed repeatedly, but kept coming after the matador, catching him with his horns a few times. Instead of letting the bull live, they ushered it into a small stable, where they cut his spinal cord. They do not have PETA in Spain.
Overall: 0 out of 10.
11. MLB - Baseball is a lot like bullfighting, except there is nothing to root for. My 6 or 7 most boring memories (that I wish I could forget) were MLB games. I can't get into a guy throwing a ball to the same place over and over. And another guy, who may be on steroids, swinging a bat at it. The game has no room for creativity. It's the same thing night after night. I'm getting bored thinking about it.
Overall: -1 out of 10.
This rankings is about live sporting events (or similar events), which I have attended at some point in my life. Keep in mind that these are only opinions. If you hate basketball, football, and soccer, but love baseball, your opinion is wrong, and that's okay.
1. NBA - Nothing matches the action of an NBA game. On TV, sometimes it's hard to grasp the level at which they are playing. When you're at a game, and can see the athleticism and precision first-hand, it can be shocking at times. They combine the game plan and execution of football with the fluidity of soccer. The fans are great too. If you support the away team, no one cares (Unless you're in Detroit, where you will get stabbed. But that could just as easily happen on the streets in Detroit). Everyone gets along. What takes it to the next level? The half-time shows. They are almost always awful. But so awful they're great. I've seen this one three times:
Why is it interesting? I have no idea. But they work every NBA arena. It's the lamest form of entertainment I've ever seen. But it's Roadhouse bad. I love watching people get into it. "She was wearing a purple dress. Now she's wearing a red dress! I don't believe it! What a useful skill!"
Another horrible half time show involved two acrobat brothers who were basically doing a bunch of stunts that involved putting their crotches in each others' faces. The entire arena was laughing and cringing in unison.
No other sport has that.
There is also a chance that the players on one team have more children than everyone else in the arena combined.
No other sport has that.
Overall: 10 out of 10.
2. NFL - I attended my first NFL regular season game last night (Cowboys at Eagles). It was incredible. Very different from the NBA. First, we "tailgated," which I had never done. We went to a parking lot in which there were about 100 buses that people have converted to Eagles buses. That's commitment. My favorite said, "Dallas Sucks," on the back. And "Show us your TITS!" on the front. That was the important statement they were trying to make. "Show us your (capital) TITS!" A guy that I had just met gave me a sandwich that was steak, with provolone on a roll. Top 10 sandwich of all time. No other sport has that.
Also, no other sport has hilarious forms of homophobia. Street vendors were selling shirts that read, "Dallas Sucks. Romo is a Homo." At that point, sports and WWF merged, creating a super event. The game itself was awesome, even better than on TV. The atmosphere was funny. Eagles' fans chant "Asshole" whenever they get a chance. They are not okay with the fact that people were born in different cities and support other teams. They want the entire world to be Eagles' fans.
The game is much faster live. And Terrell Owens is even more fun to watch. He was incredible. Every time he touched the ball, it felt like he could score a touchdown. Today he was quoted as saying something along the lines of people not booing him much because they like him. He's right on one account. They didn't boo him a lot. But that's because he was destroying their team. Instead of booing, people were quietly saying, "Anyone but T.O."
The guy next to me yelled, "Take off your hat!" during the national anthem. You're not going to get that anywhere else, other than a NASCAR event. We all know that if you wear a hat during certain songs, you hate freedom and love terrorists. Fact. Also, if you remove your hat during "Cat in the Cradle," it means you're a deadbeat.
Overall: 9.9 out of 10.
3. MLS - Although the level of play is much lower than the elite European teams, it's still very high. Soccer is a game that, if you don't play it, you have to see it live to appreciate it. I think the same goes for hockey.
The atmosphere is incredible too. First, the teams walk out with youth teams. This keeps the fact that it's a just a game in perspective and adds humility to the event. I'd like to see something like that in other sports. Maybe a kid on Brian Dawkins' back as he bounces around the field like Wolvereine, during introductions.
In no other sport do you hear fans singing songs about their team for the duration of the game. Songs whose words you can't understand because they are being sung in about 2,000 different accents. The fans are polite. And about 10% of fans carry a random musical instrument. Sometimes a trumpet. Maybe a drum. A tambourine, cowbell, tuba, kazoo, finger cymbals, saxophone, or possibly a megaphone. No matter what instruments are present, none will be played in unison. And no melodies will be allowed. They are meant to be blown into or hit at random, without any sort of skill. It's the environment that I wish was present at cock fights. You get a few guys playing trumpet for the first time at a cock fight, and I'm there. That's all it takes.
Overall: 9 out of 10.
4. NHL - Never been to an NHL game. Seems like it would be fun though. I can't follow the puck on TV, which makes it hard to watch. I'm guessing the only downside would be the 20 minutes between periods. Why don't they have faster zambonis by now? Seems like the NHL would have people working on that every day.
I love soccer, UFC, ice and sticks. Hockey is a combination of those things. What is there not to like?
Overall: Speculative 8.9 out of 10.
5. College Basketball - I hate college basketball. Despise it. There is absolutely no defense, other than an occasional blocked shot. I've never understood why people watch amateur events when professionals do the exact same thing. Why wouldn't you want to watch the people who do it better?
College basketball's redeeming qualities are: 1. The fans are crazy. Crazy is fun. 2. Because there is no defense, and the refs are horrible, a 20 point lead can be erased in about 3 minutes. That's exciting.
Overall: 8.2 out of 10.
6. WWE/WWF/Medieval Times - Professional wrestling and Medieval Times are the exact same thing. The shows involve a lot of over-the-top drama, hos, a little bit of action that is clearly fake, people who think it's real, and a lot of people going home to the trailer park after the show.
Overall: 7 out of 10.
7. College Football - Once again, why do we watch it when professionals exist? Another reason I don't like college sports: You have to learn 25% of each team's roster every year. Who has that kind of time? In pro sports, each team gets a couple new players each year. Bingo-bango.
Overall: 5 out of 10.
8. Middle/High School Sports - Middle school and high school sports are like an ace in a deck of cards. It can be the highest or lowest ranked. The difference is that it's usually the lowest in the deck. My brothers play middle and high school sports. They are not fun to watch at all. They don't even resemble the professional versions of their sports. However, every now and then they are the high card in the deck. That happened when I saw my brother give a kid a game-ending concussion on the first defensive play of his life. Not only did the game end for the concussed kid, the ref decided everyone should go home. He didn't even blow his whistle. He just signaled that it's time to go. No other sport has that.
Overall: 3.1 out of 10.
9. Tennis - I love playing tennis and watching it on TV. Watching live is horrible. You have to be funeral silent, only clapping politely after points. It's terrible. People show their excitement by raising their eyebrows. That's natural. At Wimbledon, the sport's main event, the marquee stadium food is Strawberries and Cream. Exciting!
Overall: 2.1 out of 10.
10. Bullfighting - It's pathetic that this exists. I watched a lot of bullfights on TV in Spain. I only watched because I was rooting for the bulls to kill the matadors. That never happened. One bull was stabbed repeatedly, but kept coming after the matador, catching him with his horns a few times. Instead of letting the bull live, they ushered it into a small stable, where they cut his spinal cord. They do not have PETA in Spain.
Overall: 0 out of 10.
11. MLB - Baseball is a lot like bullfighting, except there is nothing to root for. My 6 or 7 most boring memories (that I wish I could forget) were MLB games. I can't get into a guy throwing a ball to the same place over and over. And another guy, who may be on steroids, swinging a bat at it. The game has no room for creativity. It's the same thing night after night. I'm getting bored thinking about it.
Overall: -1 out of 10.
posted by ryanconnercomedy at 2:47 PM
4 Comments:
It's almost impossible to express how wrong this is. Baseball a ONE? I like other sports, but if you actually watch a baseball game, the storylines and action are much easier to follow than almost any other sport, except for WWE.
Also, playoff hockey, before the strike when people cared at least, was absolutely phenomenal.
And no love for indoor lacrosse? What of the indoor lacrosse?
The only way I could understand baseball being that low is if your experiences were Nationals games at RFK...then it makes perfect sense.
No defense in College Basketball?? When's the last time you saw some good defense in the NBA besides the playoffs? Defense wins Championships, National Championships.
Badminton.
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