Random Stuff

-There aren't many things that are worse in a social situation than getting someone's name wrong. If you've known the person for two years, it's even worse. Last night, I did a show, and when this person I've known for two years walked by, I said, "You might want to tell them that your last name is Harris. They have you listed as Harrison."
She replied, "My last name is Harrison."
"Oh. Okay. Then I guess everything is fine. Have a great set. Great seeing you."

-I passed a sign on I-95 that said, "End Highway Safety Corridor." I like this sign because it implies that once you pass it, you are in a state of bedlam. No rules on this highway. It belongs to the Road Warriors. Travel at your own risk. Bring a mallet.

-My girlfriend and I saw a convenience store in Woodbridge, VA, my hometown, over the weekend. A lot of convenience stores will have signs in their windows, advertising things that they sell. Obvious things, like milk, beer, cigarettes, etc... This one said, "Milk... Beer... Candy... Keys..." Keys? How did keys crack the starting line-up? Ordering that sign was a huge mistake. I'm guessing they sell approximately four keys per year. The sign was probably $50. It's going to take them at least five years to make their money back on the sign. What about gum, medicine, soda, food, anything but keys? Madness. Madness, I tell you. That paragraph should have been funnier than it was. I'm distracted as I write this.
Moving on (dot org). Just after seeing this store, I took a nap. While napping, I had a dream about a political attack ad. The ad said, "I bet you get your keys duplicated at Home Depot." Then it showed happy people at Home Depot. Then the voiceover said, "Where does John Edwards have his keys duplicated?" And it showed an image of the aforementioned convenience store. In the image, the store was surrounded by crackheads. Then the voice said, "Can you trust someone who has his keys duplicated at a place like this? What is he hiding? His keys?"

-I will change the first names in the following paragraph, so that the people I'm mentioning don't come across this on Google. For some reason, I am making this disclaimer as if anyone would be like, "That's bullshit. There's no way that's her first name."
I got a Myspace friend request from someone named Jessica Nutt. I laughed like I was 12 and just got a friend request from someone named Jessica Nutt. I'm laughing the same way as I write this. Nutt. What a funny word. If you tell me your name is Jessica Nutt, I will automatically picture you as a talking nut that goes by the name of Jessica. Then I told my friend, Al, about it. He said he has a class with a girl named Jenny Fagot. That is incredible. He's never heard her last name pronounced. Only seen it on paper. We know how it's supposed to be pronounced. But I bet we have the same situation as people named Weiner, who pronounce it "Winer." It's Weiner. You aren't fooling anyone. We guessed that she pronounced Fagot as "Fah-jo." Still horrible and everyone knows you're trying to cover up. The question is, would you rather have the last name of Fagot or Hitler. If it was Hitler, I feel like you could say, "Alright, I've heard the jokes," and people would move on. But Fagot... every time you mess up at anything, it's, "Good job, Fagot," "Nice catch, Fagot," "Stop being a faggot, Fagot." Now, if you're a Hitler and you marry a Fagot, I don't know what you should do. Hitler-Fagot or Fagot-Hitler. I think Hitler-Fagot is the way to go. Being named Fagot-Hitler is like losing a basketball game 200-0. Hitler-Fagot is like losing 165-3. Maybe a name change would be a possibility.

-Occasionally, as evidenced by my Cougar Movie Dream blog, I'll write an idea down when I'm tired, or sleeping, and look at it weeks later, only to discover that I'm a moron. This is another example of sleep-writing. I now remember waking up, laughing, and scrambling for my Blackberry to write down this gold nugget of comedy. The idea was written exactly as follows. "Pet monkey. Come home. Did you get a second refrigerator? Aww, monkey's having fun again." I can't even make a guess about that. I mean, really. I don't even know where to start. None of the pieces make sense together. It's like someone took four sentences from four different anythings and put them together. Why would a monkey have even one refrigerator? I can't get past that premise.

-I watched a real-time sunrise on Discovery HD at 10:30 AM. It made me feel very productive. The downside was that because I felt like I got up with the sunrise, I thought I owed it to myself to take a break for a few hours. In turn, I didn't get out of bed until 1:00 PM.