Too much stuff about airports

-My 13-year-old brother, who thinks he can take a polar bear in a fight, makes up words, as well as sentences out of words that don't go together. For example, "Oh hula-hoop. You still got a that samurai cat?" He meant "Siamese." No one knows what he meant by "hula-hoop." My favorite word he's made up has to be "Tangorang." Our youngest brothers were watching a show about orangutans, when he walked in the room and shouted, "Oh shoot, it's tangorangs."

-There's a new airport metal and explosives detector that uses heat-sensing technology to produce a nude image of the people who walk through. A lot of people have a problem with this. Just as many people support it. Their reasoning is "it's no different than going to the doctor for a physical. They're professionals who are doing their jobs." I think that might be a slight overstatement. Have you seen TSA employees? Some of them seem to be on a work-release program. I'm pretty sure you can get the job with only a GED (There's nothing wrong with a GED. I'm just saying...). That's a far cry from a doctor. Doctors study for 12 years before they can open a practice. None of them are doing it to look at naked people. What's to stop a GED graduate from trying to get a job that pays $12 per hour for the sole reason of looking at naked people? I think nothing. Think about it, you can get paid $10 per hour to work at 7-11 (Tom, it's just a guess.), or $12 to look at naked people.

-I just did two shows in Florida. Both shows were fun, in different ways. The first was in Melbourne, at Florida Tech. It's a great school, near the Kennedy Space Center. The second was in Lake City, which is near Jacksonville. It was a tale of two cities. Melbourne was very "normal." It could have been Arlington, VA, Cambridge, MA, or San Diego. The Jacksonville area is where they got the extras for Joe Dirt.

Notes from Florida:

I will no longer do shows in towns that have Speedways.

I drove by a neighborhood with a sign out front that said, "Hollywood Estates: Where Pleasure is a Way of Life." Sounds like a great place, right? Maybe a hedonism resort even? It was an old trailer park.

Fark.com is a news links site. They always link to interesting stories, and do so with a funny caption. They also categorize each link, so you know what you're getting into. These categories include Cool, Scary, Interesting, Stupid, Amusing, Unlikely, and Florida. I always read the Florida stories because they are usually scary, interesting, stupid, amusing and unlikely at the same time. They usually involve quotes like, "I didn't think the gator would bite." Or, "Well, I guess I just like cats... a lot." And my favorite, which is a direct quote, is "Put simply, it was a baby shower gone bad." This is how a sheriff described a baby shower in which the mother-to-be shot two people with a pistol. A baby shower gone bad is when people buy pink stuff for a boy. The mother-to-be shooting people isn't a baby shower gone bad. It's humanity gone wrong.

Food portions in Jacksonville were much larger than they are in the rest of the universe. I went to Boston Market for lunch. I worked at Boston Market for a year during high school. The sides are supposed to be four ounces each. They gave me at least eight ounces of each. That's too much food. The woman behind me, and I'm not exaggerating, said, "I'll take the turkey dinner. Two sides of stuffing. An extra mashed potatoes. And a side of corn. Put gravy on everything." That's three big meals. The good news, I guess, is there's no food shortage in Florida. They're also very energy efficient, as it appeared that no one exerted any energy at any point in their lives. Everyone was very large. CNN special large.

When getting gas for the rental car, in Jacksonville, the guy at the pump next to me was wearing a shirt that said, "Molly Hatchet, 2005 World Tour."

When I was checking in at the Jacksonville Airport, the line was not moving. Then I discovered it was because people were skeptical of the self-check-in terminals. When I got to the front, all three people ahead of me said, "You can go ahead, I don't trust those machines." What? How could they think that everyone who uses the "machines" are getting duped. Were they Amish? Couldn't be. They were in an airport. And two were Asian and the other person was black. I don't think there are any black or Asian Amish people.

They served hot dogs at 6AM in the Jacksonville Airport. I saw someone order one. It was the only restaurant open in the departure terminal at the time. The only other restaurant in the terminal was a Nascar Cafe, and everyone knows you don't serve Skoal before 10AM.

Over the intercom, I heard, "Paging Janelle Faggot." I swear I didn't misunderstand the announcement. Janelle Faggot.

When the TSA guy checked my ID, I said, "How are you?" He replied, "I'm so good, this morning they called me 'Goody Two Shoes." What does that mean?

While in the security line, a TSA employee announced, "Please remove your shoes before getting to the conveyor belt, to help excite the process." I think "expedite" was the word she was looking for. The woman ahead of me, turned and said, "We have to take off our shoes."

"Yep," I said.

She smiled and turned around. I'm not sure why this exchange took place.

She removed her shoes before going through the metal detector, but didn't think to take off her 8 metal bracelets, huge metal necklace, or take the digital camera out of her pocket. After the metal detector beeped, they told her to remove any metal that she might have on. She said, "It's just jewelry and a camera. I didn't think it'd set it off." "It'd" is a contraction only used in places like Jacksonville.

As this was happening, I looked at the security line next to mine to see someone else setting off the metal detector. It was a very large woman, who didn't remove her metal-studded belt. I thought, "What an idiot. It's all metal." She then removed her belt . Once I made it through, I got my Blackberry out to make a note of the bracelet woman. When I looked down to do this, right in front of me, the woman who once wore a metal-studded belt was bending down to put her shoes back on... before putting her belt back on... there was about four inches of unobstructed crack. Disgusting.

While getting on the plane, the woman in front of me asked the flight attendant, "Is the seating done by rows? My ticket says 15C." The flight attendant pointed to the back of the plane and said, "Yeah, it's right back there." How else would the seating be done? Even you'd never heard of an airplane, If someone said, "Find 15C," couldn't you do it? It's no different than seating at a theater or arena.

I was seated in the emergency exit row. Normally, this row is over the wing. Not on this plane. It was right in front of the engines. So, if there was a problem and we had to jump out, we'd be sucked right into the engines. So, that's good design.

The guys sitting next to me is in his mid-20s. He has a backpack with an anarchy symbol drawn on it. I didn't realize people over the age of 14 did that. You'd think an adult would think, "When was the last time anarchy worked out? Other than currently in Iraq, never." He must be a huge Iraq war supporter.

I'm gonna throw ball to him. He's going to throw it back to me.

Notes from my new gym in Hoboken, NJ:

-If you're over 21 and you aren't a competitive athlete, and you take creatine, you are an asshole.

-Americans of Italian descent tend to be not good at basketball. Every other country seems to be doing just fine.

-My locker was next to a Jersey stereotype yesterday. Another stereotype walked by and said, "You've been here for a while."

He responded, "It's been three hours. I missed yesterday and the summer is coming up. Got to be ready for la playa." 1. He wasn't Hispanic. 2. Who spends enough time at the beach that they would work out all year long just to look like a loser when they're there? 3. What guy cares about what people think about how he looks at a beach?

There's a juice bar in the front of the gym. On my way out, I was getting a smoothie. The same guy walked up to the counter, cut in front of everyone in line, dropped five pints of Muscle Milk on the counter, grabbed six straws and said to the lady behind the counter, "I need a bag." Those are the only words he used during the entire transaction. No "please," "thank you," or anything. New Jersey is awesome.

-I saw a truck that had two Confederate Flag stickers, one sticker that read "White Trash," and another that said "Radiohead." As I got closer, I realized it actually said, "Roadhead." That made more sense.

- I wrote about doing the show in Atlanta being a nightmare. I had the same kind of show in PA a few days ago. It's amazing the difference a few hundred miles can make. The show, even though I followed a band, was good. In Atlanta, my show only consisted of comics, whereas this one included every genre of entertainment and even things that I don't consider entertainment.

The show featured a band that covered "Tiny Dancer" and "You Can't Always Get What You Want." That's the equivalent of a comic saying, "Give it up for the troops," and "How hard is it to just put the toilet seat down," in the same set. For those less-versed in comedy, "Give it up for the troops," is a hacky thing that some comics will say to get the audience on their side no matter how bad their comedy might suck.

My "favorite" act on the show was a juggling comedy threesome. We were in the green room together during the emcee's set, and they were talking massive amounts of trash about him. Here's the thing, the emcee was a legit comic. He wasn't pandering to the college crowd. He was just doing his stuff. I liked it. Also, the world's worst comic is ten times better than the world's best juggler. On the entertainment pecking-order scale, juggling is just below mime, and just ahead of a homeless guy playing a trash can while yelling at you. Once they finished trashing him, one of them stood up and yelled, "When we're out there, our job is to make these people scream with excitement. We need to get them on their feet and make this place go crazy." Really? You have anything else up your sleeves, because I don't think juggling is going to make that happen. I can't picture a crowd getting excited over people tossing around balls... "Oh man, they got out the oranges... I wonder what they're going to do now... Oh my God, they're tossing the oranges... What talent!"

-I did a show at William Woods College in Fulton, MO last week. The show was awesome, and thanks to everyone who came. The funny thing about this show was that the school is 75% female, and specializes in equine science (horses) and sign language. Who puts those two together? That's like peanut butter and pancakes. Doesn't seem like it would work, but it does. Because of all the equestrians walking around in jockey gear, it gave me the following opening line, "When I first got here today, I was walking around and saw a bunch of girls in tight pants, carrying riding crops, and thought, 'Jackpot.'"

-I have a lot more to write about. I'm going to Vegas tomorrow with Sean Gabbert, Jon Moomaw, and Larry Poon. I'll try to get write everything I have planned on the flight. So, expect more tomorrow or Friday.

Meet me at the corner of Peachtree, Peachtree, Peachtree and Peachtree

-I think I'm the only guy who doesn't like Entourage. I just don't get it. Maybe I'll learn to like it. It took me a long time to get into Coach, and now I have a tattoo of Craig T. Nelson on my chest. So, you never know...

-Congrats to Team 4 at the last Keg Race. At the previous Keg Race, I was the Christian Laettner on the Keg Race Dream Team. You know how they say guys like Scottie Pippen and Magic Johnson made their teammates a lot better? It's weird, but the same thing happened at the Keg Race. I average about one beer per month, but my teammates, all future Keg Race Hall of Famers, made me perform like a normal man.

-I watched a show called "Games Fever" with my friend Al. It was just like Midnight Money Madness, which I've talked about here before. It's basically a game show, where people call in and answer easy questions for $100-$300. The questions are unbelievably easy, like, "Washington is named after what U.S. president?" But I think they screen the callers for idiots. It's great. On this episode, there was a crossword problem. The answer, I believe, was, "Lift." The "I" was the only letter it gave us, and every other letter was a part of another word, which made it pretty easy. When they took the first call, the person sounded confident they had the answer. They said, "Yimp."

Yimp? Really? The host said, "These have to be real words. Again, I can't stress that enough. Real words only."

Then he let the person try again. Second try: "Yimp."

Again? They were certain it had to be yimp. They said it like, "Everyone knows what a yimp is. It's a lumberjack's apprentice..." Hilarious.

The second caller, after being told multiple times that they can only accept real words, said, "Mift." The host said, "There's only space for four letters," because he thought the person was saying "Miffed." The caller said, "Yeah, it is four. M-I-F-T. Mift." "Once again, we can't accept any words that you may have made up. Real words only, please."

-I've gone to concerts for the past three nights. The first night, I saw Jimes play in an apartment in Brooklyn. He was awesome. Last night, I saw Grizzly Bear at The Black Cat, in DC. They are incredible, and will be huge. If you like concerts, see them before they get big. I'd rank them as the third best band I've ever seen live, just behind Radiohead and The Smashing Pumpkins. I'm not including Young MC, because that wouldn't be fair to everyone else. Tonight, I saw Bright Eyes at 930, in DC. Grizzly Bear made them look like amateurs. And M. Ward, who performed with Bright Eyes, stole the show with one of his songs.

I don't think race should ever play a role in music, but there should be a law against white guys rapping when the crowd isn't at least 20% black. I can't imagine anything good ever coming out of a situation like that. Maybe there should be a white rapper aptitude test or something. In other words, I witnessed something horrific that I would like to avoid witnessing in the future.

If you're in the opening band, there's no need to say, "This is an old song," or, "Here's a brand new one." They're all new to us. Just play them.

"If you're at a concert, you know the opening act is bad if you're talking to your friend about Nick Cannon, during their set." -Jay Hastings, 2007

One of my favorite jokes is Lewis Black's about the stupidest thing he's ever heard anyone say, which is, "If it wasn't for my horse, I wouldn't have made it through that year of college."

At tonight's show, I told "Bob" (I don't want to say who it was, because I don't want people to lose respect for this person) about a record store in NY that I thought he'd like, because he likes vinyls. He said he doesn't like old music, because "it can't compete with music that's coming out now." After throwing up in my mouth, I said, "What about the Beatles?" He said the Beatles sucked, "Except Eleanor Rigby, but they probably didn't write the string parts anyway." After throwing up in my mouth again, I said, "Have you ever heard Happiness is a Warm Gun, or anything from The White Album, or Magical Mystery Tour?" He said no, then said their lyrics suck and are cheesy/simple. I've never heard anyone take that position on John Lennon before. Then I mentioned that he likes a band called Neutral Milk Hotel, who I think sucks. And I told him that those two Beatles albums are more complex than anything he listens to, including Menomena (a newer band that is very good, but not great). His response was, "No Beatles song can compete with Bartnoff Farting." I think that is a more stupid sentence that Lewis Black's thing about the horse. It's unconscionable. I don't have Internet access as I'm writing this, so I don't know if he's saying there's a song called "Bartnoff Farting," which is better than any Beatles song, or if Bartnoff is a guy in Menomena who is an amazing farter. Either way, I don't think a song with "Farting" in the title, or a guy with the most beautiful farts in the world, can compete with any Beatles song.

If you've heard a worse sentence than, "No Beatles song can compete with Bartnoff farting," please let me know via comment, phone call, email or text message. No postcards, please.

-I've always had a theory that my comedy would be hated in the south. That theory is now fact. When theory becomes fact, that's scientific progress, which I love to witness. Coincidentally, the fact that I love progress is one of the reasons my comedy is hated in the south.

I did a college showcase in Atlanta last week, where I performed for reps from a lot of southern schools. A lot. At least 100. My first joke did okay. My second joke is the one that makes fun of arguments against gay marriage. This prompted members in the front of the crowd, which comprised of school officials and student activities personnel, to say things such as, "Keep it the way it is," "No way," and "I don't think so." It was at this moment that I knew the rest of my set would suck, and I knew that I wouldn't want to perform at their schools anyway. The sad part of the show is that I don't think they didn't just find me unfunny. The looks on people's faces said that they didn't even understand what I was talking about on a conceptual level, especially during my LARP joke. The stares were the stares people would give in a calculus class the day before they dropped it. It said, "Is it my fault, or is he not explaining it well? Either way, I hope it's not too late to get a refund on the book." That's right, I make audience members buy books now. It's the only way to make the calculus analogy work 100%. Needless to say, I was very disappointed that all 100 schools turned me down. The audience in Atlanta wouldn't pick up on the sarcasm in the last sentence.

I didn't have any problems with the city of Atlanta, except: 1)They should try to figure out how to get some more smog in the air. I don't know if it's importable, but it's still barely possible to breath, which is unacceptable. 2) They have the Bobby Brown Parkway. I won't be happy until Black Robb has his own boulevard. Black Robb had a song called, "Like Whoa." My airport shuttle driver actually said, about a door that wouldn't close, "That door is like whoa." I want to see more of that. 3) More streets called Peachtree. They're stuck at four. I'd like to see eight. That would be enough. Eight is enough... Hee-haw, pop culture references...

I returned to the airport with another comic, Julian McCullough. Our cab driver was the most paranoid person I've ever talked to. The entire drive, he described situations in which he'd "put a whole in someone's ass." Examples: 1) If he's at an ATM and someone gets too close to him. Because of his ATM paranoia, he said he makes his wife get cash for him, so he can cover her and "put a whole in someone's ass" if they get too close. 2) When pumping gas, if someone comes up and tries to get in his business. 3)After turning the conversation to sports, he quickly segued to describing going to a Yankee's game and seeing a cop get mugged. "I wish they would have tried to mug me. I would have put a whole in their ass," was his conclusion to the story. We tipped him well, because we knew he had a gun. I'm not a fan of guns, which is another commonality I lacked with the audience at the show.

-I got a positive review in a college paper from a show I did. However, it said, that "much of his act was drug humor." What?????? First of all, how did they go from positive to drug humor? Also, I can't figure out what jokes they consider drug humor. I have one joke about the faulty logic of the War on Drugs. It's not a joke about using drugs, and isn't pro-drugs in any way. It's just anti-War on Drugs. And I have a joke about potheads being annoying. It contains nothing about drug use, and is anti-pothead. Those are the only jokes that contain drug references, and comprised three minutes of my hour-long set. Grrr... Yeah, I said, "Grrr..."

-Crucial Element, my favorite rap group from college, has gotten back together. They're putting out a new single pretty soon, as well as some documentary footage of the early days of their career. I will keep you posted.

Radar Magazine Article

My disgust for hacks was elevated by about 23% after a show in Atlanta last night. Here's a great article a friend of mine showed me about some notorious hacks, who happen to be some of the most famous comics ever. It's great and true. Read up.