Possible New Headshot

I'm not sure if this one is "hard enough." I need one that really represents my comedy and brings out my personality. I think it's back to the drawing board.

Condo

My friend Ankur has been arrested around 5 times. He's spent 9 months in jail. He's done various other things like this.
A couple days ago, he sent me a text that read, "I just bought a condo."
I called my friend, Al, to tell him about it.
His response was, "Did he leave off an 'M'? That seems like something he'd let people know about too."

A Not Funny Semi-Recap of the Presidential Debate

-Going back to me calling Richard Hamilton and Rasheed Wallace punks a few days ago... I'm watching them play Orlando now. Hamilton started a little scuffle with Dwight Howard, who talks about Jesus every five minutes. Then Rasheed Wallace pushed a ref's hands away when he was being held back from the mini-scuffle. Punks.

-Here are some notes on the first Democratic presidential debate. I'm not going to go into details about each person. Just quick notes, written in chronological order, and organized by candidate.

Biden - I like Biden. He's a dick. But he's open and honest. He never minces words. Complete dick though. He's incredibly smart and has the best ideas on Iraq. He may be the only person on both sides who acknowledges how complex the situation is.

Number two to Richardson on international issues. Number two to Edwards on domestic issues. That's a good average.

Nice. After a couple Mr. Rogers answers from Kucinich and Gravel, he just talked about how sometimes military operations are justified and necessary. Cited examples. Kucinich and Gravel yelled at him. His response, in a dick kind of way, was, "You guys can have your happy talk, but this is the real world." Gravel and Kucinich make Ghandi look like Attila the Hun.

Clinton - As a front runner, she doesn't have to say anything. And she doesn't. She's like a walking James Brown song. "Talking Loud and Saying Nothing."

Attacking Bush instead of stating her own views. What are your ideas? Pull out of Iraq, then what? Let the country collapse? She'll say anything that people want to hear.

"Hypocrite opportunist."-Thom Yorke

Has recently spoken in a fake Southern accent twice. What's that all about? What can you gain from faking accents?

"Having been a senator on 9/11, I understand..." Not sure if she needed to start an answer like that.

Chris Matthews said this about her. "She wasn't... unlikeable."

Obama - He's definitely the most evocative speaker, but he doesn't say anything. It's all rhetoric. He sounds too much like a politician for me. He's pretty much a male Hillary Clinton, except he's very likeable.

Faked a southern accent in a speech after the debate. Why are people doing this. I hope this isn't the new lower back tattoo.

Edwards- Obama, minus some of the speaking skills, with substance. Honest on every subject. No b.s. answers. Has specific plans for every domestic issue. He talks openly about them whenever he can. He's oversimplified Iraq, but so has everyone other than Biden and Richardson.

Dollar Bill Bradley is on Edwards' side. Kucinich has Adrian Dantley on his side.

Richardson - Maybe the most qualified/experienced candidate. He's also talking in specifics. He knows more than any candidate on either side about diplomacy and international issues in general. He and Biden were the only candidates to bring up the need to do something about the genocide in Sudan. I think they and Edwards are the only ones who would make it a priority. Hopefully something will be done before the presidential election anyway. With the current state of things, I doubt that will happen.

Too bad the media will never give him the attention he needs to get the necessary name recognition to be a formidable candidate.

Kucinich - He's actually talking about specific ideas concerning ending the Iraq war. They're not necessarily good. He's open. Like him or don't like him, he's putting it out there. Most likely, it's don't like him.

He fit in his health care message into a Supreme Court question. Someone knows he needs to say what he can when the cameras are there.

He's a nut. He twisted Obama's words to make it sound like he wants to attack Iran. What a dick.

I met him a few months ago. He's tiny and very socially awkward. Negative charisma. I can't imagine him negotiating with world leaders.

Dodd - Rhetoric. Rhetoric. Rhetoric. "What we need is a new direction..." Blah, blah, blah. Now he's attacking Bush. What are your ideas?

Gravel - Who? He's fiery. Just yelled, "Who are you gonna nuke?" at Obama. Not sure why people think Obama wants to nuke people. Let me make this clear: Barrack Obama does not want to nuke anyone.

Madden, Spades and Handshakes.

I've always thought President Bush would be fun to play Madden and Spades with. I think this video backs me up. Notice the three-step handshake.
Side-note: If you are every playing Madden with President Bush, don't let him be first player. He'll change the settings to things that no one else likes, like "Keep Games Close," "Pro," and "QB Vision." When you challenge him on it, he'll claim that first player has an obligation to the rest of the players to impose his will on them.
I think in Spades he'd be one of the guys who tries to play Nil and Blind-Nil, an hour into the game, when it's clear we aren't playing Nil.

Heckler

Here is the trailer for the new Jamie Kennedy movie, Heckler. It looks great.

New Headshot

When you Google my name, it says, "Ryan Conner is sexy," for my website. Google is the only search engine participating in these shenanigans. I don't know what this is all about and I don't know how to make it stop. If you know, please tell me.

Here's the new head shot. My friend Quincy and I did a series of them. We actually decided this one won't work, as the thumbs-up doesn't match the scenery. It's tough to throw this one out, especially after we got a Bentley, a Bear, an NBA trophy and a Derek Jeter for the shoot. I'll be posting the others in the series pretty soon.



Cash Money, sucka!

NBA Playoff Predictions

Not that anyone cares, but here are my predictions for the first round of the NBA Playoffs. Before getting into it, I'd like to restate that the NBA's playoff seeding rules (division winners hold 3 of top 4 seeds, regardless of record) is the third-worst system international sports. First is the BCS. Second is European soccer tournaments settling ties in two-game series by who scored the most away goals.

-#1 Detroit vs #8 Orlando - I hate Detroit with an unhealthy amount of intensity. I hate everything about the team. They're dirty. They instigate fights. They complain. They talk trash non-stop. They get away with more, as a team, than anyone in the NBA. It seems like refs are afraid of them. They have the perennial leader in techs in Rasheed Wallace. And Richard Hamilton was number two this year. He has become more of a bitch every year since he left the Wizards. Once again, I hate them with every ounce of my being.

I love Grant Hill. If not for the eight straight years of injuries, he would be one of the top 20 guys to ever play. Because of the injuries, he's just "very good." Dwight Howard is a monster. Turkoglu has been playing great. The rest of the team is on its way. However, at this point they're way to young to have even a remote chance in this series.

Prediction: Detroit should sweep. But they're too cocky and will play one half-ass game, most likely Game 4, and blow it. Detroit 4-1.

-#2 Cleveland vs #7 Washington - If Arenas and Butler were healthy, this would go seven games, and probably go to the Wizards. As long as Lebron's ankle is okay, this will be a five game series.

Now the Wizards know how it feels to be in the playoffs without their two most important players. This happened with the Bulls when they faced, and lost to the Wizards two years ago. The Bulls were missing Eddy Curry and Luol Deng. After that series, they acted as if they played a full-strength Chicago team, and talked trash as if it were the case. The Wizards had this series coming.

Prediction: Cleveland 4-1. Immediately following the final game, Brenden Haywood will make an idiotic statement about why they lost. Then he will go to a locker room full of people who hate him.

-#3 Toronto vs #6 New Jersey - Toronto is the better team by far. They're much better rounded, and better equipped to be a good team for years to come. But they're way too young. They'll go out in the first round this year and probably next, before competing for the conference title for the next few years.

New Jersey has too much experience to lose this. Jason Kidd is playing perfectly, aside from the fact that he couldn't win a middle-school three-point contest. Somehow, he's one of the worst shooters I've ever seen, but still a top 3 point guard.. He does everything else so well that people don't even talk about his shooting very often. Richard Jefferson is playing as well as ever. Vince Carter is still on contract with Satan. That's the only way I can explain him going a full year without an injury.

Prediction: New Jersey 4-3

-#4 Miami vs #5 Chicago - All the "Never underestimate Shaq," and "Don't count out the defending champs" talk has to stop. It will in a week. Everyone is picking this series to go seven games. I've watched 79 Chicago games this year and around 25 Miami games. With that said, Miami doesn't stand a chance. Last year was a special year in which everything clicked. It will not happen again. Shaq is in his best shape of the past 8 years. But he's a year older than last year. And he's up against Ben Wallace. Dwayne Wade is great, but he's not at 100%. He's also being guarded by Hinrich, who has guarded him better than anyone in the NBA. Wade can't consistently shoot over 40% against Hinrich. If Hinrich is in foul trouble, Thabo Sefelosha guarded Kobe Bryant as well as anyone this year. I'm sure he can step in on Wade. Antoine Walker is a cancer to the team. He'll have one or two good games, which will give him the confidence to shoot every time he touches the ball for the rest of the series. That's not good for the Heat. The main reason Chicago will prevail isn't due to Miami's deficiencies as it is due to Chicago's qualities, which are Luol Deng, Ben Gordon and Kirk Hinrich. Luol Deng just turned 22 last week and is incredible. He will torch Miami in EVERY game. He will be a top-5 NBA player in two years. Ben Gordon scores at will. No one in the league can check him. Hinrich's defense, shooting and playmaking will make it tough for any team in the East to beat the Bulls. Also, Tyrus Thomas and Andres Nocioni will change games with their energy. Nocioni is the hardest worker in the league. Thomas is the most athletic player I've ever seen. That's all he is now, but it's enough. He can block shots, rebound and dunk on people from anywhere.

Prediction: Chicago 4-1. Miami will pick up game 3. That's it. They can't win in Chicago. Riley will complain about the officiating once Miami is down two games.

#1 Dallas vs #8 Golden State - This should be an easy one, with Dallas strolling through the regular season and Golden State just getting in the playoffs on the last day of the season. However, they were swept by Golden State, 3-0. It's a dream match-up for the Warriors. They would lose to Phoenix, who plays the same type of ball, except better. San Antonio can shut them down completely. For some reason, Dallas has a hard time with them. Golden State plays extremely fast, and tries to get as many possessions in the game as possible. They don't like the half-court game, which Dallas has mastered. If Dallas can slow the tempo and keep the games under 105, which they can and will do, they'll win. It won't be easy though.

Prediction: Dallas 4-3. I think this series will go back and forth, ending in a game seven that Dallas dominates. It's also possible that Dallas will win the next four games. This is a tough series to pick.

#2 Phoenix vs #7 LA Lakers - Kobe is the most talented player in the NBA by far. If he trusted his teammates, as he did when they were winning at the beginning of the season, they could win the series. He doesn't, and they won't.

Game one came to a close with Kobe taking six horrible fourth quarter shots with wide open teammates looking on. If he does start passing, getting Odom more involved in the offense(15-18ppg won't cut it), and if Luke Walton averages 10ppg, they could win the series. I don't think all three of those things could happen, unless Kobe has a James Joyce style epiphany this week. Phoenix is too good on offense for LA to get a big lead. Whenever the game is close, or if LA is behind, Kobe will not pass the ball. This will kill them. Lakers fans should hope Kobe starts listening to Phil Jackson and gets his teammates involved.

Prediction: Phoenix 4-2. LA will win games 2 and 5.

#3 San Antonio vs #6 Denver - San Antonio is too good for Denver. Their defense is perfect. Their half-court offense is perfect. Denver is a great offensive team with one great defender, in Camby. Other than that, they couldn't guard a team of chairs. If you look at point differential during the regular season, and total blowouts, San Antonio is impressive in both categories. This means they don't just win, they dominate. Denver will probably pick up two games, simply by having great offensive games. They can't do that four times in seven games though.

Prediction: San Antonio 4-2

#4Utah vs #5 Houston - Kirilenko is one of the most talented big men in the NBA. However, this season he has been absolutely awful. I don't know if Putin has been intimidating him for helping the American economy and entertaining Americans, or what. Something is up with him. If he plays well in the series, it can go seven games. Boozer will be great every night. The rest of the team is too young. They're like Toronto will be next year... one year away from realizing their potential.

Houston is too good. They, like San Antonio, Chicago and Detroit, are built for the playoffs. They're solid at every position, have two superstars, and play an active defense that forces turnovers and forces bad shots. They can run on offense,but their half-court game is top-notch. They're quick enough to keep teams from running on them. And they had the best half-court defense in the NBA this year. I think whoever wins the second round matchup between Houston and San Antonio will win it all. This will most-likely be the Spurs.

Prediction: Houston 4-1

Full Metal Jacket... Cedar Crest

-I saw a guy on myspace who listed his favorite movie as "The first half of Full Metal Jacket." How can a movie be your favorite, if you only like the first half? The last scene of a movie can ruin the whole movie for most people. Not this guy. What's your favorite movie? "That scene in Turner in Hooch..." No, seriously, what's your favorite movie? "I like in Braveheart, when Mel Gibson says, 'Today.' That's my favorite movie... when Mel Gibson says, 'Today.'" That's not a movie, that's a word.

"Full Metal Jacket is your favorite movie, right? You know at the end, when..."

"I only like the first half."

"Maybe you should pick a new favorite then."

"I only watch the first half of every movie. It has the best first half of any movie"

"Did you know that after the first half of each movie, is a second half? They usually tie up all the loose ends in the plot during that portion."

"Get out of town!"

I was a big fan of Disney's "Robin Hood" when I was 4-6-years-old. During that time, I never saw the end of the movie. I stopped after the archery contest every time. I thought that when they ran through the forest to the waterfall, the movie had to be over. Plus, the song played when they got to the waterfall was called "Love Conquers All." That's an end of movie song title. And the shot was definitely an end of the movie shot. How could the movie not end there? Then a few years later, someone said, "You know when Friar Tuck got out of jail..."

I shot back, "What do you mean? Friar Tuck didn't get out of jail."

"How else did they defeat the Sheriff and Prince John?"

"They didn't defeat them."

"That's the plot of the movie."

"No, the plot is an archery contest that ends with everyone escaping to a waterfall for a hoedown."

"Did you only watch the first 30 minutes?"

"You're stupid!"

-If you ever hear someone say, "It's never too late for ice cream," chances are they also think, "You can never have too many cats. Isn't that right, Mr. Fuzzles?"

-I did a show at Cedar Crest College in Allentown, PA, last week. It was an all girls school, however they had two male students. Two! 1,200 women and two guys. Those two guys have to be the most confident guys in the world. It's their senior year of high school. "Yeah mom, I'm applying to Penn, Villanova, and Cedar Crest."

"Cedar Crest? Over the years, they've had 42,000 female graduates and only one male."

"I like my chances."

That's a 600:1, girl to guy ratio. That's unheard of. If you have those kinds of odds, and girls still won't talk to you, it's time for a new personality.

Zach Galifianakis and Brian Posehn in NY

If you're looking for a show to go to in NY on Sunday, Brian Posehn will be headlining Caroline's, and Zach will be a surprise guest. If you're a fan of these guys, you'll want to get tickets ASAP. The info is at carolines.com.

I'm no detective, but...

I remember when people blamed Marilyn Manson for Columbine, which was ridiculous. The media is at it again. They aren't "blaming," but they are mentioning what music he liked, as if it's important. According to this ABC story, Seung Cho was obsessed with Collective Soul's "Shine," one of the worst popular songs of the last 20 years. The guitar riff is ripped from The Smashing Pumpkins' "Drown" and "Disarm." They managed to rip off two amazing songs, and somehow make a horrible song. It's a bad song, but I don't know if it's a red flag.

Charlie Goodnight's in Raleigh this weekend

If you're in the Raleigh-Durham area or know people who are, come out to Charlie Goodnight's. I will be there tomorrow through Sunday, opening for Colin Quinn. Make sure tickets aren't sold out before showing up.
I've been lazy with the blogging recently. Sorry about that. I literally have about 25 pages to write. I will get started tomorrow.

This Thursday Night - DCComedyFest Charity Show

-Hey. If you can, please come to the dccomedyfest kick-off show this Thursday night at 8PM at HR-57. It's a charity show that will raise money for brain cancer research. 100% of ticket sales will go to this cause. There will also be a "feats of strength" auction at the end of the show. What does that mean? Go to the show to find out. Tickets are $35 and worth every penny.
Also on the show: Rory Scovel, Kojo Mante, TJ Miller and Jon Dore.
If you'd like to buy a pass to the entire festival, go to http://www.dccomedyfest.com/

-The DC Improv is hosting its 4th Annual District's Funniest College Competition Finals on Wednesday. It's going to be a great show, with some really funny college students. If you went to school in the DC area, come out and support your school. Info aqui http://www.dcimprov.com

Feces Everywhere

This is a news story from Toronto. It's about a principal who threw feces on a student. The story is great because it talks all about the incident, but never divulges where the feces came from. I think that's the most important information.

Zoolander Reenactment - 5 page blog

-"You're pretty well-read for a model."

"You can only be a pretty face for so long."

That's an excerpt from an actual conversation I heard today at a commercial audition. I've only auditioned for two commercials so far, and they've both been like this... A room full of models, and me. I'm not sure how I'm auditioning for the same things as them, but I'll take it. I also just auditioned for a show called "Fugly," so I am getting mixed messages.

The first audition was for a cell company commercial. All models and me. By the way, I know they are models because everyone's agency is listed. I'm not looking at a group of guys and thinking, "Whoa, it's a bunch of models." They were casting a Gillette commercial at the same time. This called for around 20 model women. All had their lower legs exposed. I'm guessing they were supposed to rub their legs and say, "Now that's smooth!" The great thing about these situations is that people pace around the room, trying to learn their lines. It's hilarious.

Today's audition topped the cell company thing by far. NCAA to NIT level. There were probably about 30 models... and me. I looked very out of place. Here are the notes I was sent to prepare for the audition:

"please let them know that they will be ACTING as a "NASCAR" type driver in a crazy situation…portraying a driver who will drive 5000 miles in two days. He will be asked to improvise about the trip and being an adventurer and some of the "moments" of such a trip. Have them be prepared as a character of this kind. Think Matthew McConaughey (he is liked by men as a guy's guy and lives out of a camper these days…an adventurer)."

I don't have time to get into why "acting" is in caps, or why "NASCAR" and "moments" are in quotes, but I do acknowledge that none of these things should happen. The important part is that I'm supposed to "Think Matthew McConaughey..." I have no idea what that means. I know nothing about him. After having only this vague description, I came up with a couple logistical problems with this commercial.

1. 5000 miles in two days would require me to drive an average of 104 mph. Considering I'd have to stop for gas every couple hours, I would actually have to drive around 110 mph. This means I'd be in jail within the first two hours. They're pretty serious about speeding on the east coast.

2. There aren't too many 5000 mile land masses. That would be like driving from Miami to the Bering Strait. In order to cover 5000 miles from New York, I'd have to either go deep into South America or cross the Bering Strait into Siberia... which I'll get to soon.

After telling a friend of these two problems, he suggested I'm doing the wrong kind of research. I'm thinking NASA instead of NASCAR.

I had to fill out an info card when I arrived at the casting place. It asked for info that I don't know, such as: chest, neck, suit, sleeve, etc... I don't even know what these numbers should look like. If I had tried to answer them, I would have looked like Larry David on the episode where he sold cars. "What's the wheelbase on this car?" "It's a thick base. Really thick." So, I called my manager's assistant to see if she had an idea of the type of numbers I should be entering. She didn't know. With no other options, I asked the model to my right, "Hey, I don't have any clue about this stuff. What do you think I should write?"

"I don't know your dimensions."

"I know, but I don't want to guess. Just tell me what you wrote. That way my numbers will at least be human dimensions."

"16."

"16 what?"

"16 inches."

"What is 16 inches?"

"My neck."

"Okay, I'll put 16."

"I don't think yours is 16."

"Any idea for chest?"

"If they really want to know that bad, they'll find out?"

"Thanks for the help."

While waiting, I heard a guy say, "Muscle Expo 3000 is about to happen. You ready?" I think that means, "Do you want to go to the gym? Everyone hates me there."

They called us into the studio in groups of four. I was first up in my group. I didn't get to watch anyone else to see what type of stuff they were doing. The models were not friendly when I commented on how awkward the situation was. I asked what they were looking for. I got no specific direction in return. Instead, I was told all about Matthew McCongheygheyegy's lifestyle, for about 40 seconds. Apparently, he's an ADVENTURER!!!

Since I was clueless regarding what they were expecting, I decided to go for it. Instead of describing a regular race, I described West to London, but changed it to a 48 hour scenario. Not familiar with West to London? It's an idea my friends Al, Jim and I came up with. We were watching Discovery's "Building the Ultimate," and it was about a bridge being built over the Bering Strait. Within 30 seconds of tuning in, I said, "Jim, let's drive to London. West to London." He was in. Al was in. We called Glen and Craig. They're in. I think we have a couple more as well. I don't remember who though. We're going to take three cars, like they did on sailing expeditions. We'll have a food car, a tool car, and a spice car. It will be a 90-day voyage (none of us like driving long distances without stopping). We will stop each night and take in a town (there has to be a less gay way to say that). The interesting plot points would include:

1. Spending 40 days in remotes areas means someone will die of a disease that will eventually be named after them.

2. Al only eats chicken breasts, burgers, fries, cheese pizza, and French bread. Therefore, he's not going to be able to eat from the time we reach Siberia until we get to Germany. That's dangerous. He also doesn't drive. That adds the element of "Why did they bring him along? What is he contributing? He must be great at conversation or something."

3. Finding roads in Siberia and Mongolia will be tough. There are less than 200 roads in all of Mongolia. We only need to find the one that will take us to the Mongolian BBQ.

4. Chances are, if we go anywhere near Albania, we will be kidnapped. That will get the State Department heavily involved. When was the last time the State Department got involved in your vacation to Ocean City?

5. We will probably run into a Chechen warlord. We can cross that off our To-Do Lists.

I didn't go into these details with the audition, due to time constraints. I didn't get to say everything I planned on saying either, because they kept asking questions. I guess they have to do that with models. This prevented me from being able to say, "As long as we hit the Chunnel by hour 44, we should be safe. It's only supposed to be two hours to London from there, but you know how Chunnel traffic can be on a Sunday." I really wanted to say that. It's funny, and I think the models would force themselves to laugh, because they don't know what the Chunnel is... except the well-read model. He'll get it. Highlights had a whole page on the Chunnel last Fall.

The casting director laughed a lot at my audition, but I'm pretty sure West to London isn't what they're looking for. Oh yeah... I also found out that I hold my head up too high. I should tilt my chin down. That's what they said. I don't know why.

-Senator Inhofe made a statement yesterday insisting that carbon dioxide is not a pollutant. We all know he's crazy, but this has to be his best claim to date. He's not only saying it doesn't contribute to global warming, but also that it has no negative effects on the environment. I didn't realize anyone thought that. I don't even think it was debatable 100 years ago. They didn't speculate that it would contribute to global warming then, but they knew it degraded air quality. This is like when tobacco companies claimed cigarettes didn't cause cancer, if they also claimed they are good for you. What a goof head (That's a new insult I just learned from my mom).

-The Onion had one of their best headlines ever last week: "Anna Nicole Smith Finally Reaches Target Weight."

-This is an excerpt from a blog from last year. I wrote it after doing two nights at a theatre in Miami with Colin Quinn. We had a limo all weekend for whatever we needed. I'm not bragging. It pertains to the story. Read it. I'm adding stuff to the bottom.

A girl, whom we’ll call Kristina (since it is her name), worked at the theatre where we were performing and wanted us to hang out with her and her friends after the last show. We were pretty sure we weren’t going to hang out with them, but we would give her a ride to her friend’s house anyway. She was quiet and seemed nice. Then the Smirnoff Ice started flowing. First, she started talking about how she grew up privileged and never needs to work a day in her life. I wanted to tell her, “Your parents are rich, not you.” When someone earns their money, they tend to downplay it. When a young, dumb slut has access to someone else’s money, they love to brag about it. When she got tired of talking about her riches, she moved on to talking about how "hot" she is. It should be noted that she was barely above average. If looks were an NBA team, she’d be the 4th player off the bench. We had already committed to taking her to the friend’s house though, and we figured we could put up with it for a little while longer.
We got into the limo as she was telling a friend on her cellphone that she was getting into the limo with us. SHE IS SOOOO KEWL, LOL, BRB, WTF, BOGHGHDHDF!
Less than two minutes after getting into the car, she started bragging about the fact that she went to University of Florida, which is a lot like bragging that you’re wearing GAP jeans. Anyone can do that, and no one cares. Because I wasn’t talking, she started making fun of the fact that I’m from Virginia by saying that the Blue Ridge Mountains are boring. Now, you can make fun of me and call me names. But when you start insulting mountain ranges, that’s when it starts to hurt. LOL WTF CUNT (Can’t Understand ‘Noying Twats) ;) BRB LOL!J>
When she finished with her cutting-edge landscape roast, she went back to talking about University of Florida. In a moment that changed my life, she actually said, “Florida is the Harvard of the south. That’s what people call it.” We started laughing hysterically. “Whatever, you guys. Whatever! It is. It’s like the best school there is. Fuck Miami and UCF. The Gators are the Harvard of the south.” If I could make stuff like this up, I would be the best comic in history. Harvard of the SOUTH? That’s like calling Berry Blue the champagne of Kool-Aids.
She kept repeating crap like that for several minutes. No one cared. It was ridiculous. The irony of an idiot bragging about how great their school is, is a delicious brand of irony. Goes well with gravy.
She would not stop talking about it. To validate her claim, she started talking about their admissions standards, which is a conversation that no one ever has once they have been accepted to a college. Why would anyone care? She said, “You have to have a 1300 on your SATs and a really good GPA to get in.” I said, “1300 isn’t really that high. It’s pretty good, but you need 1500 or higher to get into Harvard. 1300 is usually the standard for a decent state school.” That really pissed her off and prompted her to shoot back, “Whatever. My friend got a 1300 and was valedictorian, and still didn’t get in.” Colin Quinn, whom I was opening for, replied, “I thought you said you can get in with a 1300?” Without hesitation, she looked at the color of our skin, to make sure we were all members of the gringo club, and said, “Yeah, well he didn’t get accepted because he’s white… fucking affirmative action… don’t even get me started on that.” So, I said, “I know. What’s with everyone trying to oppress white people these days?” She thought I was serious. How can she think that, especially living in Florida? I’m white and I admit that practically everything in this country is catered to white people. You can’t deny that.
She asked us what colleges we went to. I told her I went to George Mason. She told me that SHE beat ME in the Final Four, as if we were on the teams. BURN! Colin told her that he went to Harvard, which northerners affectionately refer to as the University of Florida of the North (By the way, nothing says “scholarly” like that Gator mascot). She didn’t believe it. So, he said that he actually went to DUKE on a lacrosse scholarship. This was no more than three minutes after her last Jim Crowe reference, and she was on a bigot roll. She actually said, “Yeah, that is total bullshit. There’s no way those guys raped that girl. It’s obvious she’s saying it because she’s black and the players are white.”
I said, “So, you’re saying that black girls fake rape because they’re black?”
“Yeah. It’s bullshit. They go to DUKE, so the guys are rich and she wants money.”
“They are scholarship athletes. They aren’t rich. Besides, accusing someone of rape, isn’t a very effective method to get money. First, you said race, and now you’re saying money…”
There were a couple more exchanges, until we finally got her out of the car. And what did we learn? New stereotypes. The new list of black stereotypes, according to Kristina the bigot, is: chicken, watermelon, orange soda, can’t swim, plays basketball and most of all, they’re all a bunch of rape fakers.
So, move over John Starks. Kristina has taken your place as my most-hated human being on the planet.

New stuff: It's clear that Kristina is a racist idiot. The "Harvard of the South" comment creeps into my mind every 14 or so minutes. It was great to see The South Harvard Gators show off their speech skill after they won the championship. This is the actual text of Joakim Noah's postgame speech/rant:

"I mean this is what it's all about. I mean, we worked so hard for this. You know what I'm saying. So, yeah, we gonna do it big.. all day... all night. Do it huge. You guys have no idea what I'm talking about, when I'm saying that, but, but, BUT MY BOYS KNOW. THE GATOR BOYS KNOW. THE GATORS KNOW WHAT I'M TALKING ABOUT."

That sounds like a Harvard student to me.

Joakim "GZA aka The Genius" Noah

Looks like someone has a case of the Ingdays!

-Quincy Ledbetter, my good friend and yours, now writes a blog, in addition to 500 myspace bulletins per day. He recently wrote a blog about the origin of Friday. Everything he said was completely made up. He tried to make that clear with every sentence. However, dozens of people have responded to him, saying, "That's really interesting." This is his blog:

Did you know that the word Friday was given its name by Duke Earl of Fry, IV in London back in the Dark Ages? There were, indeed, seven days in the week (all with their meanings), but what we now know as "Friday" used to be called "Ingday".


Monday
Tuesday
Wednesday
Thursday
Ingday
Saturday
Sunday


NOTE: As I'm sure you all know, since there are seven days in the week and seven continents, each continent was given their own day to name.

Duke Earl of Fry, IV found religion in his mid to late 40's and thus, embarked on a spiritual journey to Jerusalem. While he was gone, London began to fall apart, for as everyone knows, the land will fall to pieces without its Duke to hold order. Upon returning from his 1.3 year trek, Duke Earl of Fry, IV restored London back to its flourishing economy. He went on to reign as Duke of London for many decades to come.

The people of London wanted to dedicate a day in the week to The Duke, but they dare not strip any of the other days of their already respectable meanings, so not to start a war among the continents. The leaders of the Kingdom met with other leaders of the continent and decided to change the name from "Ingday" to "Friday" in honor of The Duke Earl of Fry, IV!

NOTE: They used to spell it "Fryday", but as word spread to the world that the day's name had changed, miscommunication led to the misspelling. This can also be seen in the words 'color' (actually spelled colour) and 'town' (actually spelled towne).

After they changed the name of Ingday to Friday the continent broke into a celebration so joyful that lasted for two days: Saturday and Sunday. Hello, WEEKEND!!!!

Duke Earl of Fry IV, taken shortly after his return from Jerusalem.

How did people think that was serious? "Hello, WEEKEND!!!!" should give it away if the rest of it wasn't obvious.

Quincy's blog can be found at http://www.qledbetter.blogspot.com/

-My friend, Al, wants to conduct a basketball practice. He doesn't want to play. He doesn't want to coach a team. He's never participated in a basketball practice at any time in his life. But for some reason, he wants to round up all of our friends (I think I'm the only one who plays basketball), and run a practice. I asked if he knew what a practice entails. He said he didn't really know, but would figure it out.

"I just like the idea of walking around with a clipboard, and saying, 'Okay, let's do some lay-up drills, guys,'" he said. "Glen, you missed again, let's see some sprints," he continued.

The more I think about it, the more fun I think this practice would be. I'm picturing Al making us do drills that he made up. None of which have anything to do with actually playing basketball. Al, let's make it happen.

"Line up on the baseline. It's time for jumping jacks."

-Last night, I went to a deli to get a bagel and noticed that there are non-Menthol Newports. Who knew? I can't even find a picture of the box online. This must be an underground operation.

-Go to joerobinsoncomedy.com and read his blog. It's really funny.

-Has anyone else noticed the music in the T-Mobile commercial with Charles Barkley and Dwayne Wade in the limo? It's clearly 70s porn music. Next time it comes on, pay attention. It makes the exchange about Wade's hat go from goofy to flirtatious. Thanks to this commercial, I now like to think that whenever they hang out, they talk really slow and quietly, while listening to porn music. I'm guessing Wade and Barkley had no say in this.

-I told Danny Rouhier that Greg Oden is the next Michael Olowokandi, because he's going to be a number one pick and under perform for a decade. He said he will be the next Adonal Foyle, because he's awful. Then we agreed that he's a combination of the two, and Bill Russell. Not because of skill, but because they look like they're the same age.

A 19-year-old Greg Oden.

An unusually spry Bill Russell.

-American Gladiators is now on ESPN Classic every day at 7pm. That is incredible. It has to be the first time any show has moved from the USA Network to ESPN Classic.

-Old guys need to stop standing at urinals with their hands on their hips.

1. It looks awkward. 2. It is awkward.

I had to go really bad this week and the only urinal available was next to one of these guys. When his elbow bumped my chest, he took his hands off his hips, and rested them on top of the urinal. That's even more awkward. What was going on in the 40s and 50s that led to people peeing like this? What changed and made everyone realize how ridiculous it is to pee like that. They're only one-step away from going little boy/Glen Quesenberry style, and dropping their pants to the floor.