Concert in NY

I just got back from the Bright Eyes concert at Town Hall, where they're doing 7 nights. I'm going to call it the third best show I've ever seen. It was phenomenal. The band size fluctuated between 10 and 18 members, with a 6-piece chamber orchestra. I'm mentioning this because they've been having special guests each night. Last Friday's guest was Lou Reed. Yes, that Lou Reed. They played I'm Waiting For The Man & Dirty Blvd. All of the shows are sold-out. But it may be worth paying a scalper to see this show, especially if Lou Reed may stop by.
The End.

SHORT

Tigers look like assholes when they swim.


I thought of something else to write about while at the gym today, but forgot what it was. Pretend I remembered and laugh... now... and now... and one more time.

Where Are They Now: The Original 13 Colonies: The Research-Free Edition

-I did the Power Rankings thing for a while. It was fun. I've decided to do another similar kind of list.
Where Are They Now: The Original 13 Colonies: The Research-Free Edition.
Because I'm not doing research for this, other than to find the order in which they were founded, please forgive any factual errors. Although I'm stating something negative about each state, I actually do like all of the states I'm mentioning, except Georgia.
1. Virginia (1607)
Key Positive Attribute: Beautiful landscape. Very clean. State government runs more efficiently than most other states. My family is from VA.
Key Negative Attribute: Former home of Jerry Falwell. Current home of Pat Robertson. Elected a jackass in George Allen, THREE TIMES. People like this make people outside VA think that VA is a crazy, backwards place.
2. Massachusetts (1620)
Key Positive Attribute: Home of some of the best universities in the world. And home of some of the best American writers.
Key Negative Attribute: Boston's sports fans are the most annoying people I've ever met. They whine non-stop. Also, the accents are heinous.
3. New Hampshire (1623)
Key Positive Attribute: I have no idea.
Key Negative Attribute: It's not their fault, but they have way too much say in who gets presidential nominations. I know nothing else about the state.
4. New Jersey (1623)
Key Positive Attribute: Gas is cheap. If you're into hookers, they're probably cheap in Jersey too.
Key Negative Attribute: It's New Jersey. You know all the negatives: stereotypical Jersey girls; guys on steroids; the smell (How can an entire state smell?); the attitude; the false confidence people have in their crappy state. This list could go on for years. Oh yeah, the accent. Worse than Boston.
5. New York (1624)
Key Positive Attribute: New York City has everything. Upstate is great too.
Key Negative Attribute: New York City must be the most inconvenient city in the West. No air-conditioning. Subways smell like piss. Can't drive unless you want to sit in traffic for years.
Even worse than the inconvenience is the egocentricity of New Yorkers. They think New York is the best at everything.
"I just bought a new suitcase."
"A new suitcase? Why didn't you talk to me first?"
"Why would I do that?"
"I'm from New York."
"So..."
"It's the suitcase capital of the world."
Coincidentally, it's the food, entertainment, glove, car, aardvark, clover, cinnamon, computer, basketball, music, tar, and fire capital of the world. You can actually put anything in that list and New Yorkers will swear it's true.
6. Maryland (1633)
Key Positive Attribute: The whole state isn't Baltimore.
Key Negative Attribute: Part of the state is Baltimore.
7 Rhode Island (1636)
Key Positive Attribute: It's soooo tiny.
Key Negative Attribute: It's soooo tiny.
8. Connecticut (1636)
Key Positive Attribute: I see it as a remote campus of Virginia, without the Falwell-type fanatics. It's just a nice place.
Key Negative Attribute: The KFC in Hartford smells like people are allowed to shit in the lobby. The chicken tastes old too. Why would I eat the chicken after discovering that the lobby smells like shit? I don't know.
Brandon Ivey and I just spoke at length concerning why the KFC bowl tastes horrible. We couldn't figure it out. All of the ingredients are great. One problem we did identify is the cheese. In theory, cheese makes everything better. Not the bowl. Cheese doesn't go with anything in the bowl. It makes no sense that they would put it on top. That's like, "How can we make this cake, pie, cookie combo taste better?" Put some ketchup on it. Everyone loves ketchup.
9.Delaware (1638)
Key Positive Attribute: TAX-FREE SHOPPING!!!! That's what every sign in Delaware stresses.
Key Negative Attribute: Because there's no sales-tax, they have to find some way to generate revenue. They do so by raping people who drive through. Two tolls in 11 miles. And the speed limit drops 20 from its neighboring states, so they can issue as many speeding tickets as they want. Boo Delaware. Boo you right in the face.
10. North Carolina (1653)
Key Positive Attribute: Great college basketball. Much less racist than the rest of the south.
Key Negative Attribute: Allergy season is unbearable.
11. South Carolina (1663)
Key Positive Attribute: Columbia and Charleston are a lot of fun. I have several great friends from SC.
It's presidential primary allows us to find out which candidates are racist and/or willing to do anything for votes. Speaking at Bob Jones University usually contributes to this.
Key Negative Attribute: They flew the confederate flag at the state capitol until 2000. Places like Bob Jones University exist in South Carolina.
12. Pennsylvania (1682)
Key Positive Attribute: The safe parts of Philadelphia. My step-dad's home state.
Key Negative Attribute: Comedy show at Red Devil Pizza in Carlisle, PA. Five people know what this means.
13. Georgia (1732)
Key Positive Attribute: Food and hospitality toward people of their own race.
Key Negative Attribute: Hospitality toward people of other races. Any music that has come from Georgia, other than Outkast.

Be Somebody or Be Somebody's Fool

My favortie unintentionally funny thing in the world is a Mr. T video called "Be Somebody or Be Somebody's Fool." It is incredible. My friend, Quincy, introduced it to me about three years ago. It changed my life. Thanks to YouTube, it is now available online. Below is one of my favorite scenes. If you want to see the rest, go to YouTube and search for "mr t be somebody."

"Perfect for stopping traffic and starting... who knows what?"

I would also like to announce that this is the worst album cover of all time.

Unbelievable/Very Believable Story in Louisiana

http://news.yahoo.com/s/afp/20070524/ts_alt_afp/uspoliticsracism_070524134732

9/11 and Noah's Ark Conspiracy Theories

-Someone thought I was joking about misspelling "monkeys" for the past 24 years. I was not.

-I found out on Saturday night that you can't follow a comic whose entire set is about graphic sex with animals when you're opening on a joke about the differences between cloning and spawning. And if you say "National Academy of the Sciences" in said joke, not only will they not laugh, but they also won't listen.

-I saw a CNN report on a "Creation Museum" opening in Kentucky. That's right, the word "science" has been replaced by "creation" even in the naming of a museum. Amazing. The curators claim to be respected paleontologists and "experts." Whenever someone is simply described as an expert, they probably don't know what they're talking about.

This museum is supposed to document the bible as a scientific document. The curators actually call the bible that. A scientific document. They claim it's 100% historically accurate. You aren't dumb, so your instant "smack them in the face" thought might be, "So, explain dinosaurs." Well the museum does. Really? Yes. They were created in the first six days and lived in harmony with humans... UNTIL SHE ATE THE DAMNED(Who likes puns?) APPLE! From that point, it was man versus t-rex. I'm serious. Now, get this. This is the best part. Everyone is familiar with the Noah's Ark thing, right? These people claim that every species of dinosaur was on the Ark as well. Velociraptors, ostriches, sloths, ants and people, all getting along for 40 days on a boat, a huge boat. They were able to ban together because I think we can all agree, any species, that floods suck!

There are currently 1.4 million species on Earth. Without taking into account the millions of species that have become extinct since the dawn of time, that still puts the total number of living things on the boat at somewhere in the neighborhood of 2.8 million. The Titanic held 2,227 people. Using crude math, the Ark would have had to be 1,000 times larger than the Titanic (Should be larger, as dinosaurs were huge.) That would put the length at 269,000 meters. That's 2,690 football fields long. The Ark was supposedly built by a guy. One guy. Maybe his wife. Maybe a couple neighbors pitched in. How is this not enough info to shut the museum down? I don't get it.

Also, what did the carnivores eat? Another animal? Then that species would be extinct. I'm fed up.

Three or four presidential candidates don't believe in evolution, and presumably believe this is plausible. VOTE.

-Yesterday, I helped an old lady cross the street. It took a long time. A really long time. I thought helping old ladies cross the street was an urban legend. I had no idea it actually happened. I was smiling the whole way because I felt like I was in a nursery rhyme or something. I told her to have a nice afternoon. She didn't say thank you. I forgave her. When you're between the ages of 95 and infinity, you can get away with stuff like that.

-I just watched Mike Judge's "Idiocracy." It is one of the funniest movies I've seen in years. Watch it.

-I saw a young woman, around 18, on the subway with a tattoo of a growling panther on her arm. What events lead to an 18-year-old girl being into panthers? I don't know of anyone who doesn't live in a jungle who is into panthers. I don't think that people who work in the large cats area of zoos are into them that much. They aren't a fun or endearing animal. Did she just see Apocalypto or something? For the record, I'm semi-cool with panthers, and I love monkeys.

-Want to know what 9/11 was all about? It was about cake! That's what my 10-year-old brother told me. It was hilarious. I think he misunderstood a lesson at school about communicating through codes. I forgot what we were talking about initially, but it led to him saying, "That's just like September 11."

"How is it like September 11?"

"Shoot. You know this right? 9/11?"

"How is this like 9/11?"

"When the terrorists flew the planes into the Pentagon and the World Trade Center..."

"I'm aware of that. How is this situation like 9/11?"

"The thing with cakes."

"Excuse me?"

"You know how they baked cakes and put two things on the side?"

"I have no idea of what you're talking about."

"Oh my goodness. You don't know about this? You really don't know? I thought you were supposed to be smart?"

"Sam, please tell me what September 11 had to do with cake. I really want to know."

"The terrorists made cakes and they put two things on the side..."

This went on for minutes. Finally, I gave up. Sam is a little bit husky due to cake and pie consumption, so I understood his passion. He's not fat. He plays soccer and basketball competitively. And he's the huskiest player on his teams. I processed that information, along with remembering my 11-year-old nephew saying a few months ago, "Trust Sam. He knows everything about cake."

Once he left, my mom said what he was trying to say is that in phone conversations, they referred to the Pentagon as "cake" and the towers as "candles." So, essentially, 9/11 was all about cake.

-What is this guy doing?

Crucial Element has a new song

I just got an email from Ghost, of Crucial Element. Here it is:
"Yo. This is Ghost. I'm a doctor. Me and Bubba just got back from the year 5 million. While we was there, we made a new song about our encounters with the female robots of the future. The ones that got fat asses. Peep that shit. It's called Robot Song."
Sounds like a great song. I recommend giving it a listen. It can be found at http://www.myspace.com/crucialelement703

I AM CURSED

-R. Kelly has called himself the new MLK. MLK led the Civil Rights Movement, was frequently jailed unjustly for staging peaceful protests. He has been an inspiration to everyone who isn't Jerry Falwell. R. Kelly wrote a lot of cheesey songs and peed on an underage girl, before or after having sex with her, and has somehow avoided jail time. I can see the resemblance.

-It's time to go public with something. I have a curse. I don't believe in curses, of course, but I have something similar that's logical. Here's what the problem is: When I make fun of someone, they die the next day. It doesn't happen every time. And I don't think an argument that I killed these people with words would ever hold up in court. But it usually freaks me out for a few days each time it happens.
It all started in college. My friend Mike had already "killed" two of his high school classmates. I thought it was bizarre, and could only happen to one person. Then there was evidence that another of my friends put people in comas by sleeping with them. That's another matter though.
My first direct kill occurred in college. Mike and I were making fun of someone, I don't even remember who it was, and they died the next day. This has occurred so many times, that I'm forgetting the names of my victims.
A few days later, we were making fun of Christopher Reeves. Mike started it, and I jumped in. We made fun of him pretty steadily for a few days. Then, next morning... dead. That's freaky.
The most shocking incident was a few years ago. One morning, I decided that I hated John Ritter. I spent the whole day breaking down his career and his acting deficiencies. Whenever I had a new point to make, I made that point to all of my friends. In my day of ripping Ritter, I was only able to get one person on my side in this argument. The next morning, I found out he died while I was making fun of him. What are the odds of that?
A few weeks/months ago, I was making fun of someone, who is young. Hours later, I was told they just died. I freaked out. I was in shock for about 2 days. Then I found out the person didn't really die. It was an internet hoax. A coincidence just like the others.
Then last week came around and it happened again. This time, I was actually proud of myself. I don't know if my friend wants me to mention his name in this story, so I won't say his real name. Instead, I'll call him Larry Poon. We were having dinner. He said he was going to Lynchburg, VA for a wedding over the weekend. Then we joked about him going to Jerry Falwell's church in Lynchburg that weekend, dressed as Larry Poon or his other character "Shotgun" Tom Chance. We made fun of Falwell for about two minutes, then moved on. Some would say, if you're talking about Falwell, of course you're going to be making fun of him. True, but how often does he come up in conversation? Once or twice per year.
The next day, I was at the gym, on the gay-liptical machine, watching CNN. "Breaking News... Jerry Falwell is in Serious Condition..." I thought CNN was playing a joke on me. How could this happen again. Why couldn't it happen weeks after I made fun of him. Then, five minutes later, "BREAKING NEWS... JERRY FALWELL HAS DIED."
Then I thought, "Next up: Pat Robertson."
I assumed that most people would take that angle. Nope. Surprise. Presidential candidate, after Republican presidential candidate made statements about the great work he did. GREAT WORK? The guy was a bigot in all senses of the term. He hated everyone who wasn't exactly him. As my friend Al said of George Allen, "He's so conservative, he even hates white people." He was also a financial fraud, constantly doing fund raisers so he could amass a fortune greater than the government of the town in which he lived. The guy was one of the top 10 douchebags in the country, who hadn't raped or murdered anyone. The guy was a cancer to the human race. Good riddance.
Here is an article by Christopher Hitchens. He wasn't fond of Falwell either.

-Enjoy.

KARMA owes me something nice... Mo Pitkins

-I believe in karma. Not a metaphysical karma police who keeps everything in balance. But I think that things tend to even themselves out. I don't do bad things. I don't litter. I recycle. I don't waste things. I do nothing bad to nature. So, why did a bird shit on my head today? WHY? What did I do? I think I did nothing to deserve it. In return, nature owes me something. I request that it be a pet chimp and that it arrive on my doorstep in a fortnight. Make it happen.

-I'll be at Mo Pitkins House of Satisfaction tomorrow night at 9 for the "Where's the Ammo?" comedy show. The title is a reference to Golden Eye on Nintendo 64, in case you're wondering. The show will be great. Matt Mayer is hosting. Pat Dixon is on the show. He has a Comedy Central special. Chris Gaynor is on the show. He's one of the most fun comics to watch in the entire universe. Other people are the show too. I'm sure they're all great. Come to the show.

CRUCIAL ELEMENT

My favorite rap group of all time, Crucial Element, is back together. They're back in the studio. And a new documentary is being made about them. You can get info on them by going to their myspace page, here. Go there and listen to their newest tracks, "We Don't Need No Skool," and "Predator." I recommend that you like them a lot.

As promised, as if anyone cares...

-I just found out that I've been misspelling the plural of monkey, all of my life. It's "monkeys," not "monkies." The sad part is that I thought I was spelling it like the band name. I just found out that is spelled "Monkees." I won the sixth-grade spelling bee. This is devastating. Monkeys are the only non-human animal that I actually like, unconditionally. A monkey could beat me with a steel beam, and I would think it was the cutest beating ever. I also like watching birds and fish, but I don't want to touch them. You can keep dogs, cats, hamsters, snakes and any other creature you might have as a pet.

-I had another encounter with the Muscle Milk guy from the gym (previous blog entry). I went into the locker room after finishing a leg explosiveness training thing. He was sitting in front of my locker, nude, and blow-drying his entire body. Definitely on steroids. He looked at me and said, "Is that for hops?"

"What?"

"The stuff you were doing. Is that for hops?"

"It increases explosiveness by recruiting neutral muscle fibers and making them fast-twitch... Yeah, hops."

-This is old news,, but my iPod was on shuffle today, and I was reminded that M.O.P.'s "Cold as Ice," is the second worst cover/sample of the past 20 years, behind the new cover of Patrick Swayze's "She's Like the Wind."

Short. Not very good. Easing back into writing more.

-I'm far behind now in the blogging. My bad.

-Text from a chat with Jay Hastings about R. Kelly recording a song for Virginia Tech. It really happened. The song and the chat.

Jay: does R Kelly have any credibility as an artist who "heals"

once you go down the path he took, I don't want him to talk about the proper way to mourn

me: pee heals jellyfish stings

-I just finished up a week at the DC Improv. After one of the shows, a guy from the crowd came up to me and said, "Great stuff." Then he slapped my ass like it was a basketball game. I was startled. When something that out of the ordinary happens, you freeze. Let's hope this doesn't become commonplace. It would get old pretty quickly, and every comic would become a recluse.

-I went to a show last night to watch. The emcee asked the crowd the following questions:

Any married people in the audience? Are there any New Yorkers in the crowd? What about out-of-towners? Any celebrities in the house?

What celebrity is going to acknowledge they're there, and they're a celebrity?

He asked all of those questions, which is weird. What makes it weirder is that he had no follow-up. It was like he was working for the Census Bureau or something. How many Pacific-Islanders? How about single parents? Not even a hint of a follow-up. Just a question, then on to the next joke. Uncalled for.

-I will write another tonight or tomorrow. I promise.