Open For Business

To the person who commented "pass" on my Virginfest post... Well-played. Hilarious.

-A friend of mine is getting married in a few weeks. His bachelor party was last weekend. He wanted to go whitewater rafting and skydiving (Everyone else decided against skydiving.), so we took an RV and an SUV to West Virginia. When talking to the people from the rafting company in advance of the trip, my friend Glen, who is one of the funniest people in the world, told the people, "We're a pretty hardcore group, so you can take us down the toughest run." My friend Al pointed out that the people probably pictured us as members of Slipknot, D12 or a Harley gang. That's typically what people think of when they hear that word. Instead, we showed up as possibly the least hardcore group WV has ever seen. 13 guys. Five med students. One law student. One journalist. One MFA student. Two programmers. A comic. A jeweler. And a member of MENSA. WV wasn't ready for the hardcore activities that were about to hit them.

WV tidbits...

-When you enter WV, the welcome sign says, "West Virginia... Open For Business." Whatever happened to "Wild and Wonderful"? Open for business sounds like a porn title.

-A town is called "The Best of West Virginia." They weren't thinking of students filling in their addresses on the SATs when they named it.

-WV is wild and looks wonderful, as in appears wonderful.

-We stopped by a Wal-Mart in WV. One of my friends was under the influence of things. We were walking through the store. I didn't know what he was looking for, but he insisted we would find it in Sporting Goods. We got to Sporting Goods and he said, "What? Where are the blankets?" Blankets aren't and never were a sport.

-We brought walkie-talkies to communicate between the RV and SUV. The RV walkie-talkie was turned on, next to the bed where I was sleeping on Saturday morning. I guess someone nearby was on the same frequency, and woke me up with this:

"Quit flickin' boogers. Quit flickin boogers," said an adult-sounding woman.

The response, from a child, was, "Quit flicking... [insert racial slur that starts with an 'N']."

I knew the South, in general, had a lot of racism, but I didn't know it was this random. I guess it's going to go at least another generation too. Of course racist people are stupid, and this kid proves it thrice in one sentence. First, he uses a racial slur that he can't even begin to understand the meaning of. Then he paused before saying the word, trying to think of something that rhymes with "boogers." He came up with nothing, so he defaulted to racism. Three instances of ignorance in three words.

"West Virginia... Open For Business."

More racism unveiled soon...

-We drove to WV on Friday. Rafting would be Saturday morning. Al and I didn't go rafting. We need something a little more hardcore to pique our interest. So, we stayed behind, had breakfast and read. It was pretty dangerous, but that's what we're all about.

-Al and I went to Biscuit World for breakfast. I ordered a biscuit with sausage gravy and two eggs. The cashier said, "You go gravy two and it's all you can eat. Same price."

I responded, "One is enough, but thanks." Then I thought, "Gravy two? Is that a common phrase here?" Then I looked around and noticed that Al and I were the only non-obese customers, and I realized it probably is.

-We were picked up in a huge van to go to a place at night. While in the van, I don't know how it came up, but everyone in the front two rows were talking about turkeys. Someone said they're "incredibly smart animals" because "they run when they hear a loud noise." Running at the sound of a startling noise is either one of the most basic instincts of all animals, or proof that turkeys are geniuses.

Someone asked the driver about bears in the area. He confirmed that there are many. Someone asked how you trap bears.

I replied, "Picnic baskets."

No one reacted, so I said it louder. No one reacted again, so I wrote it down.

-While in the van, a friend revealed that he brought a condom with him. We were going to a strip-club. That's a grade-A example of being overly-ambitious. Jim pointed out that the funniest thing about it was that he brought condoms on a camping trip with a dozen guys.

-When we got to the place, we were greeted with more racism. They had a sign that read, "The following clothing brands aren't allowed: Sean John, FUBU, RocaWear, Phat Farm, Shady Wear," etc... It listed about 30 brands. They may as well have listed Cross Colours and Karl Kani. It was unbelievable. A lot of my friends wear these brands. Believe it or not, you don't become a criminal when you put them on. Also, believe it or not, but Wrangler, Lee and Carhart were not banned.

We got inside and about 1/3 of the employees and customers were black or Hispanic. This made us feel much more comfortable.

People say that things happen in threes.

The emcee, which has to be lower than mime on the entertainment respect continuum, asked for embarrasing info on our friend. The only info given was he's cheap and his mom is hot. He's in med-school, so he's not supposed to have money. His mom was in Playboy, so yeah.

The emcee turned this into, "Hey, which one of you has Eric's yarmulke?"

I thought, "I didn't know he was Jewish."

Then the guy said, "'Cause I heard he's cheap as a motherfucker."

Wow, West Virginia. Wow. A bad stereotype and the implication that people hide the yarmulkes of cheap people.

If there is ever secession talk in the future, I say we let them go.

-Last week, I was starting to write a blog strictly on racism. It was going to be focused on these three episodes, and the following:

-The Supreme Court striking down two public school desegregation laws in two cities.

-The voluntary segregation of races in NYC. For a place that claims to be the liberal center and melting pot of America, it's still in the 50s where race-relations are concerned. I grew up in a place where everyone was friends with everyone, not only in my home, but my school and community as well. If you saw a group of people hanging out, they would rarely be of the same race. Most of the time, they would consist of people from 3 or more races. No one thought about it either. That was the norm. I haven't seen anything like that in NYC. I don't get it.

-There is a movement in the predominantly-white part of Atlanta to secede from the predominantly-black part of the county. This is because they see the predominantly-black area as a tax burden. This is happening, and Paris Hilton is in the news.

-The genocide in Darfur.

Just as I began writing this, I got the following blog comment from an anonymous reader.

"your comedy is racist...and not funny racist. just ignorant white-guy-who-is-weirded-out-by-black-inner-city-culture not funny. "

I got really mad. My friends said someone must have been joking. They had to be joking or just an idiot. I don't know which one. But it bothers me.

"your comedy is racist" - Um, no. What? The only time I have ever mentioned race in my comedy has been an attack against racism.

"...and not funny racist." - So, this person is saying that racism can be funny. I'm confused.

'just ignorant white-guy-who-is-weirded-out-by-black-inner-city-culture not funny." - I don't even know what to say to this. I have 11 brothers. Six are black, as is my step-dad. About half of my close friends are black. I guess you could say I'm weirded out by black people.

Virgin Festival in Baltimore

I have two tickets for the entire weekend that I'd like to sell. Face value is $400 for the pair. It's going to be a great festival. The Smashing Pumpkins, Wu-Tang, The Police, The Beastie Boys and Spoon are among the performers. The entire schedule can be found here.
Please let me know if you want to buy my tickets.

New Jersey is a bad place.

-Organic milk is way better than regular milk. Look into it.

Now, onto other matters.

-If you're looking to get arrested in Hoboken, NJ, follow these steps.

1. Park your car on a street. Make sure it's legal.

2. Discover your car is missing the next day.

3. Find out it was towed, due to it being parked in an "Emergency No Parking Zone."

4. Call the Parking Utility and inform them that there are no signs indicating that it's illegal to park there.

5. Get yelled at by the Parking Utility for calling the Parking Utility. They don't appreciate that. People in this area are proud to be assholes. No one more so than the Hoboken Parking Utility. Sidenote: Every person working there looks like Ms. Crabtree from South Park, or looks like someone Ms. Crabtree would hang out with. I told the woman, "There are no signs."

"Well you can't park there. My computer says there some signs there."

"I'm standing here and there are no signs at all."

Then the woman starting yelling at me. I don't remember what she said. I wrote it down somewhere, but I can't find it.

I replied to her yelling with, "I'm the one whose car got towed. Why are you yelling at me?"

At an even louder volume, she replied, "You're the one talking about there's no signs and mess. I see you can dish it, but you can't take it."

Then she hung up on me.

Never during this conversation did I raise my voice or sound condescending. She angered herself.

5a. Pick up car from towing company. When you pick it up, it will have someone else's ticket on the windshield. Because of this, you will never know your ticket number. Throughout the following steps, you will be asked your ticket number at least 20 times. You will never know the answer to the question.

6. Go to the Parking Utility and be told that you need to pay my ticket before appealing it.

7. Talk to their only honest employee. She will inform you that her colleagues were trying to trick you into paying it, so you can't appeal. Paying the ticket is an admission of guilt.

8. Go to criminal court. In Hoboken, they don't differentiate traffic and criminal court. So, it's very fun. Bring pictures of the tow site, as well as a tow receipt.

9. Find out that you have sufficient evidence for a trial. A trial? What? It's a parking ticket? Murderers have trials? Yes, you'll have to return to criminal court for an official trial.

10. Receive two conflicting notices concerning a court date. Call the court only to find out both notices were incorrect. The actual court date will be on a third, unmentioned date.

11. Because you didn't receive a notice in the mail, you forget about the court date.

12. Get up in the morning to drive to Rochester to pick up an electric piano. Before leaving, check your calendar to discover that you were supposed to be in court two hours earlier.

13. Call the court to pay the ticket and get it over with.

14. Be informed that because you missed your trial, there is a warrant out for your arrest. At this point you will inform them that it's over a parking ticket for which you aren't guilty. They will reply that it doesn't matter. You didn't show up to your trial (which would be held alongside multiple violent criminals, while people involved in organized crime in Hoboken keep criming it up), so you will be arrested and detained.

15. You will realize that if you go to Rochester now, you will technically be a fugitive. You will decide that's something you don't want to be. So, you put on one of your three non-t-shirts, and pants that aren't blue jeans. In this case, they were thick black jeans. Then you go outside in the 100 degree heat and run to the courthouse, which is 0.6 miles away. When you get there, you will be dripping sweat on everything.

16. Find the court-appointed attorney and tell him you forgot about the court date.

17. Be told to run inside immediately before they file the arrest warrant.

18. Go to the "Don't Arrest Me Window," or whatever it's called. Ask for another court date. Drip sweat all over this person's stuff. That should invoke sympathy. Be told that I'm "post to be arrested." Ask if there's anything that can be done, whether it be that I pay the ticket or get another court date. At this point, the employee will disappear, without saying anything, for about 5 minutes. I knew she would return with either a police officer or good news. Turns out my arrest warrant was minutes away from being filed. I got out. I'm supposed to get another court date. I'm pretty sure they won't notify me. This is over $110.

Don't move to New Jersey.

Brooklyn on Monday - Sound Fix Record Sotre

If you live in NYC, actually whether you live there or not, I'll be doing an awesome show in Brooklyn on Monday night. It's at 8pm at Sound Fix Record Store. Info is on my website and the main part of the Internet.
Also on the show: Brandon Ivey (Jimes), Rory Scovel, Danny Rouhier, Frank Hong?, others...

What's the gender of that name?

I just received the following call.
Woman: "Hi this is _____ from [hair place]. Andrew is very sick and can't make it in today. Do you want to reschedule or would you like to see Ocean today?"
Me: "See what?"
Woman: "Andrew is sick, but Ocean can squeeze you in."
Me: Sounds great.

For the next 9 hours, I'm going to be thinking non-stop about 1) Is that this person's birth name? His or her parents could be hippies. 2) Is this person male or female? 3) What does the fact that I'm getting my hair cut by someone named Ocean say about me?

How many times do I have to repeat this joke?

-There's a new Truth, anti-smoking commercial. It shows a fat kid playing with his fat stomach. Then it says that smoking causes you to get fat. Whatever happened to cancer? Did smoking stop causing cancer, and now we can focus on it making people fat? Also, doesn't smoking suppress your appetite? I've never smoked a cigarette, but I'm guessing smokers put cancer and stomach fat in the same order as non-smokers.

-A friend of mine said, "WTF." That abbreviation contains more syllables than the words themselves. Inefficiency.

-Last weekend was the 11th Semi-Annual Keg Race in Fairfax. Some of you might remember that my team won last year. I was the Christian Laettner on my teams' Dream Team. That's the third time I've made that joke on my blog. I'm just making sure everyone gets it.

Anyway, a friend of mine, whose name I won't mention, was talking to a girl, with whom he had nothing in common. He described her as a crazier version of Ann Coulter. But he was going along with everything she said, because he had been drinking a lot of beer and saw some possibilities. Then she wanted to do a keg stand. I've never done that, and would never consider doing a keg stand. I won't do one now, because I'm older than 19. I never did one in the past because I wasn't in a fraternity. I never saw any reason to combine gymnastics and beer. Actually, any sport and beer. And I don't see how it could taste different when you're upside down. I'm pretty sure it's just a way of letting everyone else know that you're a tool. Having your feet 10-feet in the air, like a flag ensures a wider audience will know you're a tool. So, it was fitting that this girl wanted to do one. My friend who was talking to her, definitely agrees with all of my points on keg stands. However, she asked him to hold her up. Apparently, you're supposed to hold from the knees or thighs. It makes sense when you think about it. But he'd never done it and figured he could do anything the pledges of Theta Chi can do, without thinking through the logistics. Wrong. He held her by the ankles. She was up for about 4 seconds, then BAM! straight to the ground. Every conversation stopped, and pretended to continue as we averted our eyes to watch the aftermath of the fall, while keeping our heads pointed toward our conversations. I was sure she'd yell at him. I was wrong. She wanted to try again. They used the same ankle grabbing technique. Four seconds later, BAM! face on the keg, then a tumble to the ground. When she came up, her pants were slightly open, as her top button was a keg stand casualty. Lesson: Don't do keg stands.

Also at the keg race, Jay Hastings fell asleep (passed out) on the steps of the townhouse. When a friend woke him up and told him to find a couch, he got up and walked away. About an hour and half later, we realized that Jay had been missing. My friend Kelly, and I, went looking for him. about 10 minutes later, we found him sleeping IN bushes in the back yard. Actually, it was a pile of brush, between bushes. Still... Lesson: Jay Hastings knows how to have a good time! [cue Motley Crue].

-I don't have time now, but hopefully tomorrow I'll write about how to get arrested in Hoboken, NJ. It's easier and harder than you'd think.

Drink at Work, Rififi, tomorrow, Tuesday, July 16th, the year of our Lord 2007

Hey. If you're in the City of New York, you should come see comedy tomorrow. Where? I'll be at Rififi at 8PM. The show is called Drink at Work. It was hosted by my hilarious friend, Craig Baldo. However, he's out of town for a few months. I'm sure the replacement is great as well. The show is only $5, and always features big name headliners. Rififi is on 11th btw 1st and 2nd aves.

This one is pretty good. The next one will be much better.

-The Bulls drafted a guy name JamesOn Curry. For weeks, I thought it was a typo. I had to read the name in about 20 different places before I realized it was not a typo. There is a random capital letter in the middle of his name. I'm not sure if it's pronounced "Jameson," or "James On." This bothers me.

-I'm against capital punishment, but I think we should make an exception for people who don't know how to merge in traffic.

-Last night, I saw a license plate that said, "HENTAI." Hentai is Japanese for "sexually perverted," and is the common name for Anime porn. What is this license plate accomplishing?

-I did Soho in DC last night. Paul Schorsch, the show's host, said that he saw me from behind out of the corner of his eye and thought, "That girl has a really nice ass." Then I turned around. Not sure why he told me this.

-Herbie Gill had the best joke I've seen in a long time. If you're at a show and he's performing, watch his set.

-Below is one of the worst songs and videos in history, Lil Mama's "Lip Gloss." Watch some of the video to see how bad it is. Then think about the fact that the performers name implies that she's a mother. Idiocracy.

-Live Earth Notes:

Kanye West said, "Wave your hands in the air. Wave 'em like you just don't care." That will never get old. Never. That was in the theme song for The Mickey Mouse Club. I thought rappers would have dropped it after that. Wrong. Goofy's gangsta.

Bon Jovi said, "Please rise for the singing of our national anthem." I thought, "What a patriotic move..." Then they started playing "Dead or Alive." That was one of the corniest, and arrogant things, I've ever seen.

-I've recently realized that I don't hate New Jersey at all. I only hate Jersey City and Secaucus. Here are the reasons:

*I was walking through Target in Jersey City and multiple people were singing out loud. That's always annoying. It's even more annoying if music isn't playing in the store and people picked random songs to sing.

*The woman in front of me was using a 10% discount card. The cashier called over another cashier for help. Cashier 2 showed her how to use the card. Cashier 1 said, "Do I keeps da card?"

"No, she keep it."

"But they an exmirnation date on it."

The cashier was name Aiesha. I know that because she had four earings, a necklace and a four-knuckle ring, all featuring her name.

*There was a dirty sock in the parking lot of Target. How does someone lose a sock in a parking lot?

*An employee had her bright orange hair gelled hard to her head. I listened to her talk for about 30 seconds. It sounded like gibberish, except that she'd end every sentence by saying, "Now." Just when it seemed like the situation couldn't get funnier, she turned around and yelled, "Hey Pooh Bear." From aisles away, her call was returned with, "Hey Honeybunch."

*People in Jersey City will buy a candy bar with a $100 bill just to let you know they have $100. You don't have anything smaller? "No." What about when you broke your last $100? "I throw them small shits in the trash."

*I saw Transformers in Jersey City. There was a baby behind us, who cried whenever she saw a robot. "Mommy, what's the robot doing?" she cried hundreds of times. Her mother went to the snack bar several times during the movie and refused to giver her daughter any food. Finally, my friend Matt Mayer, turned and said, "Ma'am, it's very rude to keep your daughter in here if she's crying." The woman returned, "Well guess WHAT? I PAID for MY ticket!" The rest of the theatre won a raffle. She had a point.

*I saw 1408 in Jersey City too. This movie sucked hard. Actually, it may be good, but not my kind of movie. Not sure.

This movie was full of children as well.

During the movie, a door appeared in a room. A guy yelled out, "I wouldn't do that."

His girlfriend replied, "Where that door come from?"

"Uh-uh."

The door opened.

"Aww, hell no."

This next sentence is a spoiler.

The guy imagined his dead daughter and she died again. The same woman yelled, "Oh, tha's some bullshit."

An adult jumped out of her seat and screamed.

How is the word not out in Jersey City that talking in theatres is annoying. If it was a new trend, I could understand some people not knowing it's annoying yet. It seems like the word would be out by now though.

*A guy at the theatre was wearing a shirt that said, "Fuck the World." Below that was a picture of 50 Cent, back to the camera and holding middle fingers up. Below the picture was the title of his album, "Get Rich or Die Tryin'."

*Another guy was wearing a shirt that said, "I WILL BUST YOUR ASS!" That's direct.

-I have been obsessed with The Smashing Pumpkins since 1994. Observers might consider it unhealthy. For five years, every single day, I listened to the same Pumpkins' song every morning when I woke up. I've read every word that's been written about them as well as every interview Billy Corgan has given. I know every note and word of all 777 songs they've put out (including Zwan and Billy Corgan solo). I spent $1,000 (Tickets were $35, but scalpers are asses. Some people were paying over $4,000.) and almost missed an exam to go to their farewell concert in 2000. That is the background info.

On June 29, I made the 1,500 mile round-trip to Asheville, NC to see them perform in a tiny venue. I was about 5-6 feet from the stage, dead-center. They have a song called Starla, which is a fan favorite. It concludes with a 5 minute guitar solo that is amazing. They played it in the middle of their three hour set, and the entire guitar solo was playing directly into my face. At that moment, I realized that my life had peaked. There's nowhere to go but down from here.

If you're skeptical about the new album only featuring Billy Corgan and Jimmy Chamberlain of the original line-up, don't be. James and D'arcy not only didn't have creative input in the band (aside from the three songs that James co-wrote and few that he wrote on his own), but also didn't record many songs. Billy and Jimmy recorded everything on their own, except Adore, and James did the bass parts on Machina. So, this is a Pumpkins' record.

Good Point

"Why is the President flip-flopping? Why does Scooter Libby get special treatment?"

-- Sen. Joe Biden (D-DE), noting that just last year, the Bush administration filed a friend-of-the-court brief with the Supreme Court in an attempt to uphold a lower court's ruling that a 33 month prison sentence for Victor Rita, who was convicted of perjury and obstruction of justice, was reasonable.

Bush commuted Libby's prison sentence of 30 months for perjery and obstruction of justice yesterday because it was "excessive."

Courtesy of PoliticalWire.com