Satanic Theocracy

-I've spoken out about the horrors of organic peanut butter in the past. For some reason, I bought another jar of it. Why? Because it said, "Valencia Peanut Butter: Valencia Peanuts Are Smaller Than Other Peanuts." Somehow I read that, and thought, "Oh, I have to buy this." What kind of moron am I that I would fall for "smaller than other peanuts"? Not better, smaller.

If we're keeping score on organic foods...

Organic milk - Much better than regular. They taste like completely different beverages. Yes, I still drink chocolate milk, often.

Organic eggs - Much better than regular. I don't even understand this one, but they are much better. The shells are also stronger, thus preventing any shell shrapnel falling into the pan.

Organic bananas - No difference at all.

Organic cheese - Slightly different. Not better or worse.

Organic peanut butter - Inferior

With Love,

Martha Stewart.

-I just did a show at a college in Castine, ME. Every school I do buys a meal for me. Usually it's Applebee's if I'm lucky, or a steak'um if I'm not. I had a lobster roll, which is a lobster on a roll, for lunch today. That's a step up.

This is a small, small town. After the show, I went to a bar with the student activities director, in search of food. Actually, when I say "a bar," I mean "the bar." The tiny bar. While there, a middle-aged woman approached me and asked me when my birthday is. I told her December, 17, and asked why. She said, "Because I know someone who looks like you, and wanted to see if you have the same birthday." I'm pretty sure that isn't how genetics works. The woman from the school, whom I was with, was told a year ago that "bad things are going to happen" to her. A few months later, the women told her that she had a "beautiful aura" and things are going to work out.

If you have any friends who believe in astrology, stop being friends with them.

-My friends and I have a new band. We're called Confirmation Dick. The name came about when someone said, "I need confirmation, dick." I couldn't hear the comma. And a new band was born. The meaning of the name? When you aren't sure if you're gay or not, you have confirmation dick to figure it out. "Are you gay?" Not sure. Haven't had my confirmation dick yet. [Insert Catholicism jokes.]

Our other new bands are Satanic Theocracy and Semen Receipt.

"Did you get your Confirmation Dick?"

"Yeah, I have the Semen Receipt right here."

-Let's hope this Senator Craig stuff lasts a long time. Because I wrote a joke about it that is really good.

Tha Ill-a-delph, profiling, and fun.

-Sometimes I hear people say things through the windows of my apartment that I can't fathom hearing anywhere other than northern New Jersey.

I was in my living room last Sunday, reading a book, when I heard from a group of girls who were walking by, "Thank god for her that I got big ol' FUCKIN' toes and you can't notice it." What does that mean? She put so much emphasis on "Fuckin'" that the statement sounded sexual in nature. Re-read it with that in mind. Weird, huh? A little uncomfortable?

I've mentioned the construction outside my bedroom window, and the construction workers' silly games having to do with who has the hammer. They constantly rip on each other. But the insults are sub-yo' mama caliber. This morning, after two hours of what sounded like people throwing bricks through glass, I heard, "Hey, stop fuckin' around. That coulda hit me." At this point, there was a long pause as the guy was trying to think of an insult. With this much time, there's no way his insult wouldn't be killer. It was. He said, "You fuckin' banana-nosed parakeet... parakeet... banana-nosed... Polly want a cracker? Hey, do Polly want a cracker? Aww shit." I don't know if the banana-nosed parakeet is a species of parakeet, or if this guy is just hilarious. Either way, I'm glad he's working eight feet from my bed.

-The person who came up with the idea of the unicorn did a lot of drugs and was great at marketing. Not only did they think of a horse with a horn, but they also convinced the world that there is a market for them.

-We shot the pilot for Crucial Element last weekend. This meant that I was dressed like this all weekend.

If you don't believe that the police profile people, check this out. Until this weekend, the only times in my life in which I've had to talk to a police officer were when I got three speeding tickets, and at family reunions when I would talk to one of my uncles. In four days of shooting, I got stopped by police FIVE TIMES and had to deal with security once. The security was legit. One of the interactions with police was sort of legit. The others weren't at all. I'll put details in the next blog.

-In the most depressing event of my life, I paid $150 to not see The Smashing Pumpkins. As I've stated before, I consider their music to be a combination of everything that is good, Hawaiian Punch included. Well, I had two weekend passed to see them at the Virgin Festival in Baltimore. That cost me $400. Things came up and I couldn't go. Because it held 80,000 people, it didn't sell out, and I had to sell the tickets for $250. So, I essentially paid $150 to not see them. Depressing.

-I meant to write this a couple weeks ago, when I was in Philadelphia.

I'm in Tha Ill-a-delph. That was my Stuart Scott impression. He actually says that on occasion.

I also meant to write about this while in Philadelphia. There was a really good diner next to my hotel. I went there three times. The first two were great. The third was a different story. I decided that I was going to have French toast. When the guy dropped off my drinks, I asked for French toast. He said that I would order from someone else. When the waitress came over, I tried to say, "I'll have French toast." But somehow it came out, "Cream chip beef, please?" As she walked away, I panicked. What did I just say. I started looking around, assuming everyone would be looking at me like, "What did he just order?" Sure enough, they were.

After a couple minutes, I was able to calm down. I'm originally from the sort-of-South. I've been around cream chip beef before. It's not horrible. It's just weird beef with some type of cream, on toast. Then the plate came out. Holy shit, it was a huge pile of white cream, with specks of beef scattered throughout. I thought the emphasis was on beef, not cream. The cream:beef ratio was about 20:1. The cream rose about four inches above the plate. Why would anyone need that much cream? What is cream?

I ate almost all of it. I hated every bite. But for some reason I wanted to impress the other customers. This was something I'll call a "dumb move," as I shat about six times that day. Yeah, I like to close my blogs strong.

Addition to Worst Album Covers

This was sent to my by Kim Feldman, from North America. It is definitely a horrible album cover. That font can only be used on a Mozart cd. Real Romance is the title. What exactly does that mean? It means that women find him creepy. "Hey girl, you want some Real Romance?" No. Get away. And close your mouth, Mr. Ed. Also, try to sit in a less awkward position.

The Reagan Thing is a Hoax

Sorry about that. I was told it was real. Looks like someone was playing a little jokey joke on everyone.

Ronald Reagan had it right.

"A moment I've been dreading. George brought his ne're-do-well son around this morning and asked me to find the kid a job. Not the political one who lives in Florida. The one who hangs around here all the time looking shiftless. This so-called kid is almost 40 and has never had a real job. Maybe I'll call Kinsley over at The New Republic and see if they'll hire him as a contributing editor or something. That looks like easy work."

--Ronald Reagan in his recently published diaries, May 17, 1986

Vote for Dawan Owens on Comedy Central dot com

Dawan Owens, my friend and yours, is doing a contest through Comedy Central and he needs your vote. If you have a minute, you can vote for him at www.comedycentral.com/openmicfight

Baltimore Weekend Moved... mark your calendars!

My week at the Baltimore Comedy Factory has been moved from next weekend to November 15-17. My flight out of Baltimore, however, has not been moved. Awesome.

1984, All Over Again

My friend, Alan Skontra, is one of the smartest people I've ever met and most-likely the best writer I'll ever know. I want to share one of the essays he recently wrote regarding the increasing popular approval of public surveillance.
I'll leave the criticism to Alan. But first, a famous quote from Benjamin Franklin comes to mind. "Those who sacrifice liberty for security deserve neither."

I Put A Spy On You: The Dangers of a Government Allowed to See Everything

August 2007

Congress just approved a bill allowing the government to conduct surveillance on Americans, including the authority to wiretap phone calls and email without a warrant. President Bush seemed anxious to sign the measure, although his administration has acted as if it had these powers all along.

The federal provisions come while New York city plans to implement a so-called ring of steel in lower Manhattan, a matrix of cameras used to scan crowds for suspicious activity. Washington and Baltimore have already introduced such devices, as has London, whose authorities credit the cameras for helping them arrest accused terrorists. Polls consistently show by wide margins that Americans support increased government surveillance on domestic soil. Their approval originates out of a hope to prevent another terrorist attack or at least apprehend those responsible if one occurs.

They must also really, really trust the politicians who get to use this power. The arguments in favor of increased surveillance seem prudent at first, to fight terrorists. Any rational person wants to do that. The problem involves who exactly decides who the terrorists are. In this case a fraction of officials get to suspect as large a group as they want, without safeguards like a court to prevent them from making a mistake. If the already loose and abstract definition of terrorist was ever widened to include people with political differences, there are no limits to who among us could be persecuted.

Americans don't seem to worry about the government abusing its policing authority despite evidence that this happens constantly. The notion exists that the subject of the surveillance would be narrow, confined only to terrorists, in this case, Islamic militants. But the government says it must be able to spy on anyone connected with its suspects, including parties such as innocent family members. The dragnet could expand to include all Muslims, Arabs, or even people who come into close contact with them like a friend, co-worker or neighbor. (Of course, anyone who questions the legality of such a program seems also vulnerable to being watched under the with us or against doctrine.) We have seen abuses like this before with the internment of Japanese Americans during World War II or the McCarthy political witch-hunts. All that is necessary is for an aggressive executive branch to make secretive, unsubstantiated claims and worry not about anyone asking questions.

Perhaps most Americans say so what to such a danger. They never fear that they would be investigated because that supposedly only happens to others. But not too long ago, terrorism in America had a different face. In the 1990's terrorism was thoroughly white, Anglo-Saxon and protestant. The most prominent agitators back then were people like Timothy McVeigh, The Branch Dravidian cult in Waco, the Freemen and other rogue right-wing militias, white separatist Randy Weaver and abortion clinic bomber Eric Rudolph.

A left-leaning Clinton administration made it a priority to combat these elements. At least in the Waco and Randy Weaver situations, the federal government and Attorney General Janet Reno stirred criticism for employing heavy-handed tactics in which children were killed. This is not to condone the Dravidians and Weaver family for illegally stockpiling weapons and shooting at ATF agents. But it would be wrong for the government, in overreacting, to rationalize spying on any American just because they bought a gun or attend a different church service. The new legislation now lets the government do this if it wants.

The force of surveillance falling into the wrong hands, who might then use it for political purposes would destroy the American tradition of protecting individuals against the tyranny of the state. To any conservative who tacitly supports giving President Bush unchecked powers this time around, imagine a potential President Hillary Clinton with the same weapons prosecuting her own agenda. The only way to protect all Americans is to toughen the safeguards against any administration assuming too much control. Any investigative techniques must contain comprehensive judicial, Congressional, press and public oversight.

As far as cameras go, the consensus maintains that there are no legal provisions of privacy in the public sphere. But imagine that the war on terror ended tomorrow. The cameras would not come down. They won't ever come down. They would have to be aimed at something else to justify their existence. They could help catch criminals, yes, but also harass people expressing their freedoms of speech and assembly. With facial recognition technology, the government could monitor a person's movements anywhere outside, storing details of their activity in a file for future use.

Remember that the FBI during the 1960's kept secret files on political opponents of both Republican and Democratic administrations, including on civil rights leaders and college students attending peace rallies. Even Martin Luther King Jr. was the subject of a probe.

What has separated the United States from its enemies is that our government has never been allowed to come close to the sort of omnipresence enjoyed by Nazi Germany or the Soviet Union. And while the British might choose to employ cameras, remember why America fought its war of independence against the U.K. Our personal freedom is more valuable than anything the terrorists could ever destroy. But don't trust a government with its own agenda to always protect it either.

Actually, if you do, then I have a bridge I want to sell you. It's in Brooklyn. It's soon to be littered with security cameras that tell you who is driving on it, and where they plan to go after crossing so you can find them at any time.

Facebook friends, my apologies

I would like to apologize if you received a toolish, MTV, 90210 question that was supposedly from me. Apparently Facebook has sent a question to everyone I'm friends with, claiming it's from me. It wasn't a real question, like, "What have you done to stop the genocide in Darfur?" The question was, "What were you into before you were popular?" Once again, I did not ask that question. Not only do I not buy into the concept of popularity, but I also don't care about what you were or are into. I guess a Facebook robot did. I don't know what's going on.

Good news in cancer research.

Here is a funny story about Michael Vick. Keep the source in mind. I read a study last week that said Fox News gave equal coverage to Paris Hilton and the Iraq War over the past three months. Whereas CNN was 5%:24% and MSNBC was 6%:26%, FOX News was 15%:15%.

Interesting Read

I just stumbled across an old blog by conservative blogger and commentator, Andrew Sullivan. It's from The Atlantic and is about the "enhanced interrogation" techniques employed in the name of the War on Terror. If you aren't familiar with him and you think Rush Limbaugh or Ann Coulter when you hear the words "conservative commentator," he is nothing like that. He's a smart, rational person.
Here is the essay.

Wiseacres in Tyson's Corner, VA 8/24-25

Next weekend, 8/24-25, I'll be doing my first headlining weekend in the DC area. The club is called Wiseacres. It's in Tyson's Corner, VA. The shows are at 9pm each night. You can get tickets at the door for $10, or you can buy them in advance.
The show: I've doing doing an hour on the road for over a year, but never in DC. So, if you've never seen me do an hour, you can now. Also, if you saw me a couple months ago at the DC Improv, don't worry, there will be very little material overlap.
We'll make a "Months since you last saw me : Percent of new material" ratio chart.
12:95%
9:80%
6:65%
3:40%

I hope my chart sold you on the show. People love charts.
Thank you.

Nicholas Cage makes poor decisions every now and then

A Note to KC

KC left a comment on the Worst Album Covers blog. KC made the biggest mistake of his or her life. Trust me, open the link and look at the album covers. It will be worth it.

Thanks for clearing that up...

You may remember President Bush making a poker analogy a few months ago. It mad no sense at all. I can't find it online, but trust me, it was funny.
He just struck again with sports analogies. This time he got it right, and decided to let people know that he got it right.
This is an excerpt from a Houston Chronicle story:

He gamely joked and mugged with reporters, at one point raising two fists in a boxing stance to illustrate what not to do in a photo op with the president of Iran.

"You don't want the picture to be kind of, you know, duking it out, you know?" Bush said " 'OK, put up your dukes.' That's an old boxing expression."

A boxing expression? You don't say?

Worst Album Covers Ever Ever EVER

These are the worst album covers ever. Jon Mumma sent them to me.
I can't decide on one favorite, but the following are in the running:

-Cody Matherson - Can I Borrow A Feelin'?
He's wearing a muscle shirt, but I'm going to let it slide. The main problem here is that he looks drunk. He's also sweating a little. It seems like they could have waited a few hours for the Mad Dog to wear off and the sweat to dry.

-John Bult - Julie's Sixteenth Birthday
The birthday is stirring different emotions in John and Julie. John is wearing a look that says, "I swear it's legal." It's her 16th and he's drinking and smoking, and looking generally old. She's giving a look that says, "Do I have to touch it?" What an awkward birthday.

-The Ministers Quartet - Let Me Touch Him
To quote Arrested Development, "There has to be a better way to say that."

-Tino - Por Primera Vez
If the music matches the album cover, Tino didn't have a segundo vez. Gay. Extremely gay.

-Millie Jackson - E.S.P.
I like that she saw this photo and said, "Looks good. Run it!" Awful picture.

-Orleans - Waking and Dreaming
Look at the guy on the far right. He is so happy to be holding his friend's hand on his chest. I'm guessing he got kicked out of the band about 5 minutes after this picture was developed.

-The Louvin Brothers - Satan is Real
It looks like a production of Showboat in hell. Where are you doing Showboat? Off-Broadway? Off-off Broadway? Off-off-off Broadway? Is it all the way out in Jersey? Similar, but not actually Jersey? Oh, in hell. Oh...

-The Handless Organist - Truly A Miracle of God
This is the only album cover I've ever seen that has the appeal of a circus. Actually, they've managed to dip into the circus freaks and church markets. Remarkable.

-Jim Post - I Love My Life
This may be my favorite, because if you showed me the picture and asked for a caption, I would instantly say, "He hates his life." Also, this picture answers the age-old question: What happens to mustaches in waterfalls?

-Freddie Gage - All My Friends Are Dead
What? I don't even understand the direction this guy is going for. Nothing about this album cover says "Buy Me."

-Swamp Dogg - If I Ever Kiss It... He can Kiss It Goodbye
I don't know what the "it" refers to. Oh, actually I just figured it out. He probably will never kiss "it" because he calls her "it." That's an automatic no.

-Millie Jackson - Back To The Shit
This woman is full of bad ideas.

-Jeff - Something Special
It took me ten seconds to figure out what was weird. See how long it takes you.

Hotel Info. Educate Yo'self

-I arrived in Philadelphia last night, where I will be performing at Helium Comedy Club (which is a great club) with Mike Birbiglia through Saturday. If you want to go, buy tickets and go to the venue.

I didn't check into the hotel until 7:30 and the show was at 8. That's tough. I made it to the show in time, but I was still hot from the walk to the club (100 degrees).

About five minutes after arriving at the club, it was time for the show to start. I didn't have a set figured out, but I thought I had about 15 minutes during the emcee's set to do so. Wrong! There was no emcee. It was a two-man show with Mike and I. So, I had to go straight up, still sweating from the walk, and do 30 minutes. The club was cranking A/C, but it had no effect. Also, the stage lights were about four feet from my face. This made the entire set feel like I was performing in a sauna. When I was up there, I started thinking about that "Survivorman" show, where he used urine to cool himself own in the desert. I decided that wouldn't be prudent.

When I left the stage and Mike came on, he said something along the lines of "Good set," to which I replied, "It's hot as shit." That's not a typical thing to say to someone when they walk on stage. You only say it if you really mean it. After a few minutes, he agreed and had them turn the lights down to resemble a spoken word open-mic. I don't know why I'm writing this. Just know it was hot. Trust me, that information will be valuable in the future.

-Some thoughts on my hotel/hotels in general.

Overall, the hotel is great. This club takes care of its comics.

The thermostat was off when I arrived last night. As a result, my room was 88 degrees. That's hot.

I'm always excited, for some reason, when I check into hotels for shows. I always feel like I have a few days to do nothing but work. The first night is usually somewhat productive, as is the next day. By the middle of day two, it's like the beginning of Apocalypse Now. I'm doing laps around the room(was Martin Sheen in underwear or naked?), screaming random words, paranoid and with the appearance that I need a good exorcism. Feces may or may not be strewn about the room.

My opinion of a hotel is 80% influenced by the Internet connection. Is it free? Is it fast? Another 10% is determined by the bed and linens. The remaining 10% is determined by the in-house toiletries. Hotels can always be summarized by their toiletry brands. They fit in the following categories, from shitty to very nice.

White Rain/VO5 - If they have either of these brands, there will most-likely not be WiFi. The bed will be uncomfortable and your room will smell like cheese. They will not provide you with hand lotion or mouthwash under any conditions. You will not feel comfortable with removing your socks. Featured amenities will include an ice bucket and two Solo cups.

Prell/Pantene - This hotel is fine. It doesn't smell. The bed is pretty comfortable. They have Wifi, although it may not be free. They have hand lotion in the rooms, usually Vaseline brand (Because I was raised in a predominantly black household, it's important to me that I stay well-lotioned. I wasn't aware that most white people don't do this until a few months ago in Vegas when Jon Mumma had a problem with my lotion consumption.) The TV remote has stubborn buttons. You usually have to press a button twice for it to work. The hotel restaurant is either sub-par or non-existent.

Bath and Body Works - This is where the hotels start to acquire the adjective of "pretty nice." They'll have an assortment of toiletries. Usually the quantity of toiletries is a good indication of hotel quality. Bath and Body Works hotels give you shampoo, conditioner, lotion, mouthwash, shower gel and bar soap. This should be the standard, but it isn't. This hotel will have good toilet paper, much better than the lower hotels. They'll most likely have a trademark on their type of bedding, something like "The Sleepmaster System." The restaurant will be pretty good, but slightly overpriced, considering that it's still normal food.

Aveda - Now we can officially call it a nice hotel. In addition to the regulars, they'll have toiletry items that you will never need to use at any point in your life. Three types of soap? For what? The bed will be great. They will have a plasma TV. And the hotel restaurant will be great, however unaffordable for people like me. If they ever see you walking out of the hotel, they'll offer a Town Car.

A Brand You've Never Heard Of - You know a hotel is nice if you've never heard of its toiletries. My first experience with this was in Miami, while staying in a 1,200 sq ft room in Trump Palace, which I didn't pay for. I hadn't heard of anything in the entire room. They had something called an ironing board. What is that? The bathroom in these hotels will be larger than other hotel rooms. The toilet will be in a separate room. There will be a separate shower with multiple shower heads, and a Jacuzzi tub that you should never use. It may look clean, but it's filthy. Although the Trump hotel had awful toilet paper, this class of hotel usually carries great toilet paper. The best example of this kind of hotel would be the Mayflower in DC. I went into a friend's room there. There were about 10 toiletry bottles, all in weird shapes. I can't imagine using 10 different liquids on my body for anything. But they're making sure the bases are covered.

This concludes my hotel blog.

I'll write another one tomorrow about normal stuff. I swear I will. I have nothing else to do.

Bobby Brown, at it again

This is from an actual news story.

Bin there, done that, Bobby

Thursday, August 2nd 2007, 4:00 AM

Bobby Brown still thinks Osama Bin Laden is after him.

The now-single singer beefed up his security two weeks ago in Australia, where he's been on tour.

Brown said in Melbourne: "I figure if Bin Laden wants me, and everybody is looking for him, it probably won't happen. But if he wants to try and find me for something so stupid, he can do what he wants. I have to leave it in the hands of my higher power.

"Come on, if anybody [else was] threatened by Al Qaeda, they'd take it seriously."

Ticketbuyers didn't and showed up, but they didn't take Brown seriously, either.

The singer took off his shirt at one point "unveiling his sweaty, abdominally challenged torso [and mysteriously wet crotch]" and the audience screamed with laughter, but were dead silent when he tried to get them to do a "call and response," wrote one reviewer in the Herald Sun.

Brown's been worried about Bin Laden ever since writer Kola Boof and an alleged Bin Laden mistress said the terrorist wanted Brown killed so that he could make Whitney Houston one of his wives. But Brown and Houston divorced last year.

Brown's agent did not answer a detailed message.

Meanwhile, "Vixen Diaries" author Karrine Steffans, who counted Brown among her many celebrity lovers, tells us that Brown also thought President Bush wanted him dead.

"He said, ‘We should flee the country.' We were staying at the Ritz-Carlton in Marina del Rey for a couple of weeks," Stephans recalled. "He and Whitney had separated. I helped him as much as I could."

McDonald's Presents... An Evening in Dauchau

-While walking through Hoboken last night, I saw a girl wearing a shirt that read, "Wish You Always Maybe." The girl is part of a human sub-species known as "Jersey Girls." They're extremely rare throughout the world, however heavily concentrated in New Jersey. They can be spotted from hundreds of yards away by the glow of their numerous pieces of gold jewelery and the sheen of their freshly gelled hair.

-Saturday night marked the first live performance by Crucial Element, a fake rap group, consisting of myself and Quincy Ledbetter. We're in the middle of a big project with Crucial Element that I can't reveal just yet. The show went perfectly. The joke is that Crucial Element is horrible. The music and the lyrics absolutely suck. The goal is for people to think we're real and either A) Love us, or B) Hate us. Either way, it's funny. Everyone at the show thought we were real. Most people got visibly annoyed the first time we chanted "We Don't Need No School," and began having conversations. However, some people loved it. A fan, who knows we're not serious, showed up in a Crucial Element shirt that she had printed. A UFC fighter was in attendance as well. He loved us. That's all I can reveal now.

-Boston Market signed a bad contract. They used to play normal music. I went to two different Boston Markets over the weekend, and they were playing covers of Bill Withers' "Ain't No Sunshine," and Nirvana's "Come As You Are." Normally, I don't think people notice music in fast-food places, but people appeared disturbed by what they were hearing. "Ain't No Sunshine" sounded like a middle school band. "Come As You Are," sounded like it was by a deaf woman. These songs are pretty gloomy for a fast-food restaurant too. Pretty soon, McDonald's is going to be showing amateur Holocaust films in the playground.

-I feel bad for the guy who created Calvin and the Hobbes. Now the national sign of a redneck not liking something is a decal of Calvin peeing on whatever it is that he doesn't like. The most recent one that I saw was Calvin, wearing a USA hat, and peeing on the word "Iraq." It's a little ambiguous. Is he saying that our war has ruined their country, or is he saying he doesn't like Iraq? Either way, the Calvin and the Hobbes guy is losing.

-If you get a chance, watch the documentary, "Who Killed the Electric Car." http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Who_Killed_the_Electric_Car%3F