Some things

Tuesday night, I was on the Lost Puppy show at Mo' Pitkins, in the East Village. The crowd consisted of 12 people. They were all former co-workers of one of the comics. His name is Brian Something. And he is funny. About three seconds into the show, it became apparent that no one in the audience had ever been to a comedy show, or possibly anywhere in public.
Alicia Gomes was hosting. She's very funny too. Everyone in the audience gave her feedback on everything she said. For example:
AG: My sister...
Audience: I have a sister.
That's how it went for the first three comics. They didn't understand the concept of a performance.
Brian, the co-worker went up before me. They cheered for him, because that's how the world works. Before Alicia brought me up, she and Brian asked everyone to move to the front of the room. They were in the back corner. They refused. I was brought up to this high point.
By the time I got to the mic, they were already talking again. So, naturally I said, "Give it up for Brian [applause]. And give it up for Brian [more applause]. And one more time for Brian [one more round of applause]." That's called targeted, effective pandering. Then the wheels fell off.
This had never happened to me in the approximately 900 shows I had done prior to this night. If it had, the world would already know about it. Never, NEVER, had a woman hit on me during my set. Not one. However, on Tuesday, about five women did so simultaneously.
It all started when a woman yelled, "You're hot." Then I got uncomfortable. My discomfort was magnified when the other women started yelling the same thing. I stopped the joke I was trying to start and said, "What?" and asked the comics, "What the hell is going on? I don't know what to do with this situation. If the crowd is chatty, you're supposed to calm them with crowd work. I don't see any net positives coming out of crowd work now. It would be like feeding the beast."
Just then, the women started yelling, "You can come over and fix my computer any time." I had never heard "Fix my computer" as a euphemism. So, I accidentally shot them an "Are you retarded?" look. And asked, "What does that mean."
They shot back, "You're wearing a Geek Squad shirt. So come over and fix my computer."
"Oh, the shirt. I get it. Well, you see, t-shirts are for sale these days. If you're walking down the street and you see a guy wearing a 49ers shirt, that doesn't automatically mean he plays for the 49ers. Also, if you're walking through Brooklyn and you see a guy wearing a tight shirt that says 'Atari,' that doesn't mean that he's actually an Atari."

Saturday Show in DC

Hey. If you're around and want to see a great show. Myself and a bunch of my comic friends are doing show in the DC Improv Lounge. It's a small room that only holds 50 people. And it's being taped for a Comcast TV show. Come along. It's going to be funny. And intimate. Not sure if intimacy is a selling point, but I hear a lot of people talk like it is.
Tickets here:
http://www.symfonee.com/improv/dc/home/Index.aspx

Fantasy Football

I'm in two Yahoo leagues. 2-1 in both leagues, in case you're wondering.
Anyway, one league is with 10 friends, whom I've known for close to 10 years. The other is with a couple comics who are friends of mine and one other guy that I know, and 11 other people whom I've never met.
Yahoo has a feature that allows you to "Talk Smack" to your opponent. It appears for the whole league to read. In the league with my friends, we constantly talk shit back and forth. It's probably why we play. It's fun and funny. I assumed everyone did this in their fantasy league. I was wrong. Found out during Week 1. My default Week 1 Smack Talk is my favorite Mike Tyson quote, "I'm gonna fuck you 'til you love me, faggot!" So, I wrote that to a guy whom I've never met. Then I noticed that no one else in the entire league used the Smack Talk feature. Now I'm the weird guy in the league.

Video Surveillance Study

If you're in the overwhelming majority of Americans who think all public places should have video surveillance, read this study on Britain's surveillance.

I swear this is the only time I'll link to The View

A co-host on The View thinks the world is flat. Not metaphorically. She thinks it's flat.

Credibility?

Mark Furhman is now a Fox News "expert." How did we get here?

Fun, no... Interesting Facts.

-I drove down from NYC last night for a show in Baltimore. It was canceled. Not a fun fact, but interesting nevertheless.
-Instead of doing the show, Quincy and I decided to record a new Crucial Element song. It will definitely be the best CE song to date. It's called "Hos Run in Packs (The Isaiah Thomas Remix)." It will drop (that's what the kids say) this weekend.
While hanging out in his kitchen with his roommates, we were watching Hardball. They were talking about the student who was tazed at the John Kerry town hall event. A guy who is sleeping on Quincy's couch this month, named "Head," said, "If you get tazed, does your dick get hard." This was followed by silence, and I believe his roommate Ike said, "No."
-While leaving the Comedy Cellar on Sunday night, I was walking through the Village to my train. I passed a guy who may have been crazy and definitely was delusional. He was sitting on a folding deck chair, holding five or six inflatable animals on sticks. Think carnival prizes. And he announced to the world, "Look, all I know is I'm gettin' some pussy tonight." It was 11:20pm, and he was himself. If you declare that, no matter who you are, it isn't happening. I don't think that was in the cards. Actually, maybe it was. He was in the Village. His look could work there. I don't think I would be surprised if a girl who just left a Rilo Kiley concert walked by and thought, "He's so alternative, and I'm all about that. Put the animals in the basket. I'll double you."
-I saw a guy, who was wearing a pink polo and a fanny pack, steal a cab. I don't think that will ever happen again.
-Paula Poundstone's "Cats, Cops and Stuff" is a great special. It's really old. HBO replayed it a few days ago. The material was top-notch.

-Must go to sleep now.

Show tonight in Brooklyn @ 8

Hey. Tonight, Danny Rouhier, Rory Scovel and I will be doing our third show at Sound Fix Records in Williamsburg, Brooklyn. Rory won't be there because he's hanging out with Shock G from Digital Underground in Seattle. He really is. But we have a great line-up. In addition to Danny and I, we have:
Kurt Metzger, from Comedy Central's "Live at Gotham."
Jeremy Schachter, also from "Live at Gotham."
Erin Conroy, from your wildest dreams and future TV shows.
Kevin Williams, from Comedy Central's "Premium Blend."
and Sean O'Connor. I'm not sure if Sean has any TV credits yet. If not, he will soon.

The show is at Sound Fix Records at 8pm. The address is 110 Bedford Ave. It's about 5 blocks off the Bedford L stop. The show is in the performance area in the back. Not amongst the CDs.

Updates on Cop Run-ins

I forgot to mention how Cop Run-In #4 was resolved. Once the cop stopped yelling, he said, "Go to your car and leave now. I'm going to make a u-turn. If you're still here when get back, you're all getting tickets. EVERYBODY!" We said, "Okay," and left. I don't know why he thought there was a possibility that we would continue to shoot there, after we thought he and his dog were going to kill us.

too funny

A few months ago, a comic friend of mine pointed out that no matter how funny we are as comics, no matter how honest we are on stage, we will never be as funny or honest as a fat person falling off of a bike. It's hard to accept, but it's true. I was reminded of that when Aparna Nancherla just sent me this video. I laughed hard for about 2 minutes.

Danny and I told you

Danny Rouhier and I predicted almost a year ago that Greg Oden would flop in the NBA. We compared him to Sam Bowie, Michael Olowakandi, and Bill Russell's grandfather. During this time, the media worshiped him. Today, the featured article on ESPN compares him to Sam Bowie. When are Danny and I going to be offered jobs at ESPN? What is the process?

Funny 14 seconds...


I live next door to an elementary school. A 2nd or 3rd grade class just walked by my window. One kid yelled, "Holy shit!" Another said, "Why the hell are you pushing me." This prompted the teacher to scream, "Knock it off, or you're all gonna sit down!"
I love New Jersey.

Someone can't take a joke.

Kathy Griffin, in her acceptance speech at the Creative Emmy's, said something to the effect of, "...Jesus had nothing to do with me winning this award... So suck it, Jesus..." It was actually really funny. However, Bill Donohue of the Catholic League did not agree. Surprise. In the course of things, he makes some crazy claims and even drops a surprising n-bomb.
Enjoy.

Fun mugshot and story.

Have you ever looked at someone and thought, "How were they not already in jail?" I now have.

What?

Fred Thompson is going to be the Darko Milicic of the presidential race. Every loves him now, because they know nothing about him. Once he appears in a few debates, people will be embarrassed for him. Not a good speaker. When asked about Osama Bin Laden, he had this to say, "He's more of a symbolism than he is anything else." You rarely get to say this, but Jack Cafferty had an excellent line about this. "Great, another one who can't speak."

Russian National Conception Day

Happy Russian National Conception Day! Make Russian babies!
-If you heard me on the Schachter Factor on Cringe Humor Radio today, I would like to clear something up. Brian McGuinness (who is really funny. Check him out if you have a chance) mentioned wearing a shirt that said, "It's great to be white." It had a picture of great white shark, wearing a tie. He said that people were giving him dirty looks, and suggested that there is a double-standard in the t-shirt wearing world. He explained this by saying that when someone wears a shirt that says "Black Power," he doesn't give them dirty looks. And that no one does.
My points against this double standard were: 1. Maybe some people just can't take a joke. It doesn't mean they think you're racist. 2. White people don't really need any empowerment at this point. 3. It's a blanket statement to say that people judged his shirt and didn't judge others.
I forgot to make this point on the show. And I think this is the most obvious point. People weren't necessarily judging the shirt. They were reading it. If you have a shirt that features words, you can't get upset if someone reads them. That's why they're there.
If anyone took the segment seriously, I want to be clear: Brian was joking about the whole thing. I think. I'm only mentioning it because I just realized today that of course people are going to read a shirt if it contains words.
-I mentioned police profiling a few weeks ago. I had only been pulled over by a cop a three or four times in my life before I shot Crucial Element. I was going to post the stories of the Crucial Element police encounters right after they happened. But I was lazy. Now Brandon "Jimes" Ivey keeps badgering me for the stories. And I don't know if I remember all of them. I'll try.

1. We were shooting at George Mason University around midnight. I was dressed as Ghost. My friend was in the passenger seat. We were pulled over. The police officer, the hottest police officer I've ever seen, walked over and HE (Hey-o!) was pretty nice. It was a woman. She walked over and asked if she knew why she pulled me over. I almost said, "Because I look like I commit a lot of crimes." Instead I said, "No, I don't know." She said my headlights weren't on. That's a valid reason to pull someone over. I explained that we were shooting something. I was driving a friend's car, which I assumed had automatic lights because it's 2007. Plus, the campus is so well lit, it looked like the lights were on. She told me to have a good night.
That was not an example of profiling.
2. About an hour later, still on the GMU campus, we were shooting in a vacant parking lot. Cops came up and said, "What's going on here?" We're shooting some video. "Oh, okay. That's fine. It's just that you're wearing a huge winter coat and it's 100 degrees. You look like you're up to something." I understand. "Have a good night." Bye.
Definitely profiling. But in a good way. He wasn't a dick. He just used logic.
3. Next afternoon. Diana Saez was driving Quincy's car. Quincy and I were in costume and character. We made a u-turn on a side-street. A place where everyone would make a u-turn. I do it very often and have never been pulled over for it. We were pulled over. Diana got the first ticket of her life. I'm convinced it was because Quincy and I looked like assholes.
4. About an hour later, we were shooting on the side of a four-lane road, which is legal. We didn't need a shooting permit for what we were doing. As Quincy and I crossed the street, while there was no traffic, a cop pulled over. He jumped out of his car, and while his bitch-dog was barking at us, about to jump out of the window, he yelled, "What do you think you're doing?" I thought he was going to shoot us. He definitely talked to us like we were robbing someone. We calmly told him that we were shooting video. He yelled, not said, YELLED, "NO YOU'RE NOT. YOU'RE PLAYING IN THE HIGHWAY! THAT'S A CRIME!" So, he's making up crimes and talking to us like we're criminal kids. What's the crime? Still yelling: "You can't pull onto the shoulder unless it's an emergency. Otherwise it's a crime." I knew that wasn't true, but I nodded my head. Mike, who is finishing up law school at UCONN now, pointed out that the police encourage people to pull over to make phone calls and to set their gps. Is that an emergency? He kept yelling at us for about a minute. He threatened to write tickets for all of us. Mike said, to us, not the cop, that no ticket would ever hold up in court. Then the cop said, "Your pulling off on the road is going to cause an accident." There are a lot of flaws in this logic. 1. If people would wreck a car because someone has pulled over, then they are the person who shouldn't be driving. 2. What if we were pulled over for an emergency? Is it only non-emergencies that cause accidents? 3. No.
Definite stereotyping in this case.
5. I was looking for parking in Hoboken that night. A cop pulled me over for no reason. I wasn't in my Crucial Element gear any longer. Once I stopped, the cop said through his intercom, "Keep driving." I kept driving, looked in my rear view. The cop only put his lights on in order to get a good spot in front of a bar. He turned the lights on and casually walked into the bar.

There you go, Brandon. There you go.

-Here is an interesting GQ interview with Donald Rumsfeld.
-Here is a GREAT GQ interview with Colin Powell. I think if he ran for president, he would get over 70% of the vote.
-The Onion is always great. They have a new headline that I love. "Pitchfork Gives Music 6.8"
Pitchfork is a music review site that is so pretentious it hurts. They love anything that is sounds like homogeneous bullshit . And hate anything that is complex, except for Radiohead.

Schachter Factor Podcast on Wednesday at Noon

Hey. I've been too busy to blog lately. I should be back on top of things tomorrow. I know I say that often, but I'm serious this time.
I'm recording the Schachter Factor podcast today (Special September 11 Edition?). It will be available tomorrow at noon on the Cringe Humor Radio site.
The show is hosted by one of my favorite comics, Jeremy Schachter. I'm not sure of who else is going to be on. The format is great. We just go on the show and talk about news, pop-culture, or something else. I recommend listening. That's what this comes down to.

This Weekend in the DC AREA

I'll be performing at the Arlington Cinema Drafthouse on Friday (7:30) and Saturday (9:45). Info is here.
I don't think my name is listed. I'll be opening for Joe DeVito.

Funniest Short Email... Ever

My friend John just sent this to me.

Subject: Help

I know this guy who wets his bed and is really embarrassed about it. Do you know how I could stop doing it?

John

Classic, bro. Classic.

-What is the point of LinkedIn? I keep getting friend requests for this service. What is wrong with MySpace and Facebook? Actually, I know what's wrong with them. But do we need a third network? I don't get it.

-I saw a sign that said "No animals allowed, except for support animals." My immediate reaction was to think, 'oh, they're having animal acts. I feel sorry for the person who is following that.' Then I looked over and saw a seeing-eye dog. Oh, that kind of support animal. Not a supporting act. Signs need to be clearer.

-I was at an airport Borders a few days ago, looking in the 'classics' section. It was pretty small. Just the end of an aisle. I was browsing it at the same time as a woman who appeared to be in her late 30s. It contained Faulkner, Dickens, Steinbeck, Joyce, Orwell, etc... The woman looked exasperated. She turned to an employee and said, "Do you not have any Nicholas Sparks?" The employee said they do. That's an airport author. She said, "Well I don't see any." He told her that she was in the wrong section. She was not happy that Borders did not consider Nicholas Sparks to be a classic. No offense if you watch Grey's Anatomy. But I guarantee this woman watches it too.

-I was staying at my mom and step-dad's house in VA last week. My mom came home with a new cell phone. My step-dad asked why she got a new cell phone. She said it was for my brother, Joaquim, who just turned 15. Why? He lost his charger. Instead of asking for a new one, he thought he would try to charge it in an unconventional way. By putting the battery in the microwave. Yes. He put the battery in the microwave, thinking there would be an energy transfer. Instead, there was a small explosion. Or, as my brother Sam described it, "Thunder and lighting."