Karl Rove claims the Bush Administration opposed the Iraq War vote from the beginning
This is amazing. Rove is claiming that the Democrats in Congress are responsible for rushing us to war in Iraq. If there is a Gosh, I think he/she will send Rove to heck.
And here is Bush's former Chief-of-Staff, Andy Card, basically calling Rove a liar.
I'm watching the Republican debate now. The candidates aren't rednecks, but everyone but McCain and Paul are acting like it. At the Democratic debates, the crowds seem to cheer when pandered to, or when they hear a good point. Other than that, they are quiet. Not the Republican debate. They cheer whenever pandered to. They boo when someone uses logic. And they loudly jeer anything they don't agree with. It is like Wrestlemania. No exaggeration. Mean Gene should be moderating. They've talked about nothing but guns, abortion, and immigration for 80 minutes. Two third tier issues and one second tier. It is hilarious. A lot of pandering too. Giuliani and Romney keep lying to each other, apparently oblivious to the presence of facts. Romney, in maybe the most offensive moments I've ever seen in debates, asked, "Do you want me to ask anyone with a funny accent for their papers?" He also said (and I'm paraphrasing), in response to a question from the only black person in sight, "Well it looks like he has a father who loves him. And that's important for a child to have both parents," obviously implying that it's rare for black fathers to be present. He also said that 68% of black children are born to single parent homes. That is what is known as a lie. A question was, "What would Jesus do..." What would a leprechaun do? Why is that a presidential debate question. How about, "What is the right thing to do?" The following people believe in a literal interpretation of the Holy Bible: Mitt Romney, Mike Huckabee, Tom Tancredo and possibly Fred Thompson (Thompson wasn't asked, but I'm pretty sure he's said so in the past). If you're unsure of what this implies, pick up a bible and read any one page. Vote accordingly. Giuliani got booed for saying it's good to regulate gun ownership in a "reasonable" manner. What? How do you boo that? 86 minutes into the debate, they've asked the first foreign policy question. A retired Brig. General of the Army, who is openly gay, just got booed for saying the members of the military are professional enough to serve with gay men and lesbians. Wow. Just wow.
-There aren't many things that are worse in a social situation than getting someone's name wrong. If you've known the person for two years, it's even worse. Last night, I did a show, and when this person I've known for two years walked by, I said, "You might want to tell them that your last name is Harris. They have you listed as Harrison." She replied, "My last name is Harrison." "Oh. Okay. Then I guess everything is fine. Have a great set. Great seeing you."
-I passed a sign on I-95 that said, "End Highway Safety Corridor." I like this sign because it implies that once you pass it, you are in a state of bedlam. No rules on this highway. It belongs to the Road Warriors. Travel at your own risk. Bring a mallet.
-My girlfriend and I saw a convenience store in Woodbridge, VA, my hometown, over the weekend. A lot of convenience stores will have signs in their windows, advertising things that they sell. Obvious things, like milk, beer, cigarettes, etc... This one said, "Milk... Beer... Candy... Keys..." Keys? How did keys crack the starting line-up? Ordering that sign was a huge mistake. I'm guessing they sell approximately four keys per year. The sign was probably $50. It's going to take them at least five years to make their money back on the sign. What about gum, medicine, soda, food, anything but keys? Madness. Madness, I tell you. That paragraph should have been funnier than it was. I'm distracted as I write this. Moving on (dot org). Just after seeing this store, I took a nap. While napping, I had a dream about a political attack ad. The ad said, "I bet you get your keys duplicated at Home Depot." Then it showed happy people at Home Depot. Then the voiceover said, "Where does John Edwards have his keys duplicated?" And it showed an image of the aforementioned convenience store. In the image, the store was surrounded by crackheads. Then the voice said, "Can you trust someone who has his keys duplicated at a place like this? What is he hiding? His keys?"
-I will change the first names in the following paragraph, so that the people I'm mentioning don't come across this on Google. For some reason, I am making this disclaimer as if anyone would be like, "That's bullshit. There's no way that's her first name." I got a Myspace friend request from someone named Jessica Nutt. I laughed like I was 12 and just got a friend request from someone named Jessica Nutt. I'm laughing the same way as I write this. Nutt. What a funny word. If you tell me your name is Jessica Nutt, I will automatically picture you as a talking nut that goes by the name of Jessica. Then I told my friend, Al, about it. He said he has a class with a girl named Jenny Fagot. That is incredible. He's never heard her last name pronounced. Only seen it on paper. We know how it's supposed to be pronounced. But I bet we have the same situation as people named Weiner, who pronounce it "Winer." It's Weiner. You aren't fooling anyone. We guessed that she pronounced Fagot as "Fah-jo." Still horrible and everyone knows you're trying to cover up. The question is, would you rather have the last name of Fagot or Hitler. If it was Hitler, I feel like you could say, "Alright, I've heard the jokes," and people would move on. But Fagot... every time you mess up at anything, it's, "Good job, Fagot," "Nice catch, Fagot," "Stop being a faggot, Fagot." Now, if you're a Hitler and you marry a Fagot, I don't know what you should do. Hitler-Fagot or Fagot-Hitler. I think Hitler-Fagot is the way to go. Being named Fagot-Hitler is like losing a basketball game 200-0. Hitler-Fagot is like losing 165-3. Maybe a name change would be a possibility.
-Occasionally, as evidenced by my Cougar Movie Dream blog, I'll write an idea down when I'm tired, or sleeping, and look at it weeks later, only to discover that I'm a moron. This is another example of sleep-writing. I now remember waking up, laughing, and scrambling for my Blackberry to write down this gold nugget of comedy. The idea was written exactly as follows. "Pet monkey. Come home. Did you get a second refrigerator? Aww, monkey's having fun again." I can't even make a guess about that. I mean, really. I don't even know where to start. None of the pieces make sense together. It's like someone took four sentences from four different anythings and put them together. Why would a monkey have even one refrigerator? I can't get past that premise.
-I watched a real-time sunrise on Discovery HD at 10:30 AM. It made me feel very productive. The downside was that because I felt like I got up with the sunrise, I thought I owed it to myself to take a break for a few hours. In turn, I didn't get out of bed until 1:00 PM.
All four previous Poonanza sketch shows have sold out. Here is info on the next one, including reservation info. Each show has been better than the previous one. If that's any indication for this show, it should be great. I hope to see you there.
The Warehouse Theater
1017-1021 7th St NW
Saturday December 8th
10pm showtime
The ticket price is $7. You can reserve tickets by emailing larrypoon1@yahoo.com or by emailing me at ryanconner@gmail.com.
Yelling at a friend, "Walk! Walk! Walk! Just walk!" can be funny if they are walking slowly or being annoying. However, if you turn your head slightly to the right and see an elderly woman using a walker, it is not funny at all. It is sad and awkward. It's right up there with someone offering you a sip of their drink and you saying, "You don't have AIDS do you?" And they do.
In response to comments and thoughts that people must have had to my ranking baseball so low, I would like to say that I just don't get baseball. I've been to games in 3 MLB stadiums. I don't get it. Obviously, there is something to the game, or it wouldn't be so popular. But I don't get it. It's like how every now and then I'll meet someone who doesn't like cheese. I'm baffled, and even question their judgment on every other matter. What isn't there to like about cheese? Baseball is my cheese.
A new power rankings is severely overdue. The first one was written over a year ago, about deodorant. It still gets roughly 100 readers per week, and over 9,000 for the year. I think I'm legitimately making my mark on the deodorant industry. That's right deodorant industry. Send me free deodorant. Maybe you'll get good publicity. This is clearly where people go to read about anti-perspirants. The dinosaur power rankings gets fewer readers, however the dinosaur market has stabilized, so I don't think there's a possibility to affect the dinosaur market. This rankings is about live sporting events (or similar events), which I have attended at some point in my life. Keep in mind that these are only opinions. If you hate basketball, football, and soccer, but love baseball, your opinion is wrong, and that's okay.
1. NBA - Nothing matches the action of an NBA game. On TV, sometimes it's hard to grasp the level at which they are playing. When you're at a game, and can see the athleticism and precision first-hand, it can be shocking at times. They combine the game plan and execution of football with the fluidity of soccer. The fans are great too. If you support the away team, no one cares (Unless you're in Detroit, where you will get stabbed. But that could just as easily happen on the streets in Detroit). Everyone gets along. What takes it to the next level? The half-time shows. They are almost always awful. But so awful they're great. I've seen this one three times:
Why is it interesting? I have no idea. But they work every NBA arena. It's the lamest form of entertainment I've ever seen. But it's Roadhouse bad. I love watching people get into it. "She was wearing a purple dress. Now she's wearing a red dress! I don't believe it! What a useful skill!" Another horrible half time show involved two acrobat brothers who were basically doing a bunch of stunts that involved putting their crotches in each others' faces. The entire arena was laughing and cringing in unison. No other sport has that. There is also a chance that the players on one team have more children than everyone else in the arena combined. No other sport has that. Overall: 10 out of 10.
2. NFL - I attended my first NFL regular season game last night (Cowboys at Eagles). It was incredible. Very different from the NBA. First, we "tailgated," which I had never done. We went to a parking lot in which there were about 100 buses that people have converted to Eagles buses. That's commitment. My favorite said, "Dallas Sucks," on the back. And "Show us your TITS!" on the front. That was the important statement they were trying to make. "Show us your (capital) TITS!" A guy that I had just met gave me a sandwich that was steak, with provolone on a roll. Top 10 sandwich of all time. No other sport has that. Also, no other sport has hilarious forms of homophobia. Street vendors were selling shirts that read, "Dallas Sucks. Romo is a Homo." At that point, sports and WWF merged, creating a super event. The game itself was awesome, even better than on TV. The atmosphere was funny. Eagles' fans chant "Asshole" whenever they get a chance. They are not okay with the fact that people were born in different cities and support other teams. They want the entire world to be Eagles' fans. The game is much faster live. And Terrell Owens is even more fun to watch. He was incredible. Every time he touched the ball, it felt like he could score a touchdown. Today he was quoted as saying something along the lines of people not booing him much because they like him. He's right on one account. They didn't boo him a lot. But that's because he was destroying their team. Instead of booing, people were quietly saying, "Anyone but T.O." The guy next to me yelled, "Take off your hat!" during the national anthem. You're not going to get that anywhere else, other than a NASCAR event. We all know that if you wear a hat during certain songs, you hate freedom and love terrorists. Fact. Also, if you remove your hat during "Cat in the Cradle," it means you're a deadbeat. Overall: 9.9 out of 10.
3. MLS - Although the level of play is much lower than the elite European teams, it's still very high. Soccer is a game that, if you don't play it, you have to see it live to appreciate it. I think the same goes for hockey. The atmosphere is incredible too. First, the teams walk out with youth teams. This keeps the fact that it's a just a game in perspective and adds humility to the event. I'd like to see something like that in other sports. Maybe a kid on Brian Dawkins' back as he bounces around the field like Wolvereine, during introductions. In no other sport do you hear fans singing songs about their team for the duration of the game. Songs whose words you can't understand because they are being sung in about 2,000 different accents. The fans are polite. And about 10% of fans carry a random musical instrument. Sometimes a trumpet. Maybe a drum. A tambourine, cowbell, tuba, kazoo, finger cymbals, saxophone, or possibly a megaphone. No matter what instruments are present, none will be played in unison. And no melodies will be allowed. They are meant to be blown into or hit at random, without any sort of skill. It's the environment that I wish was present at cock fights. You get a few guys playing trumpet for the first time at a cock fight, and I'm there. That's all it takes. Overall: 9 out of 10.
4. NHL - Never been to an NHL game. Seems like it would be fun though. I can't follow the puck on TV, which makes it hard to watch. I'm guessing the only downside would be the 20 minutes between periods. Why don't they have faster zambonis by now? Seems like the NHL would have people working on that every day. I love soccer, UFC, ice and sticks. Hockey is a combination of those things. What is there not to like? Overall: Speculative 8.9 out of 10.
5. College Basketball - I hate college basketball. Despise it. There is absolutely no defense, other than an occasional blocked shot. I've never understood why people watch amateur events when professionals do the exact same thing. Why wouldn't you want to watch the people who do it better? College basketball's redeeming qualities are: 1. The fans are crazy. Crazy is fun. 2. Because there is no defense, and the refs are horrible, a 20 point lead can be erased in about 3 minutes. That's exciting. Overall: 8.2 out of 10.
6. WWE/WWF/Medieval Times - Professional wrestling and Medieval Times are the exact same thing. The shows involve a lot of over-the-top drama, hos, a little bit of action that is clearly fake, people who think it's real, and a lot of people going home to the trailer park after the show. Overall: 7 out of 10.
7. College Football - Once again, why do we watch it when professionals exist? Another reason I don't like college sports: You have to learn 25% of each team's roster every year. Who has that kind of time? In pro sports, each team gets a couple new players each year. Bingo-bango. Overall: 5 out of 10.
8. Middle/High School Sports - Middle school and high school sports are like an ace in a deck of cards. It can be the highest or lowest ranked. The difference is that it's usually the lowest in the deck. My brothers play middle and high school sports. They are not fun to watch at all. They don't even resemble the professional versions of their sports. However, every now and then they are the high card in the deck. That happened when I saw my brother give a kid a game-ending concussion on the first defensive play of his life. Not only did the game end for the concussed kid, the ref decided everyone should go home. He didn't even blow his whistle. He just signaled that it's time to go. No other sport has that. Overall: 3.1 out of 10.
9. Tennis - I love playing tennis and watching it on TV. Watching live is horrible. You have to be funeral silent, only clapping politely after points. It's terrible. People show their excitement by raising their eyebrows. That's natural. At Wimbledon, the sport's main event, the marquee stadium food is Strawberries and Cream. Exciting! Overall: 2.1 out of 10.
10. Bullfighting - It's pathetic that this exists. I watched a lot of bullfights on TV in Spain. I only watched because I was rooting for the bulls to kill the matadors. That never happened. One bull was stabbed repeatedly, but kept coming after the matador, catching him with his horns a few times. Instead of letting the bull live, they ushered it into a small stable, where they cut his spinal cord. They do not have PETA in Spain. Overall: 0 out of 10.
11. MLB - Baseball is a lot like bullfighting, except there is nothing to root for. My 6 or 7 most boring memories (that I wish I could forget) were MLB games. I can't get into a guy throwing a ball to the same place over and over. And another guy, who may be on steroids, swinging a bat at it. The game has no room for creativity. It's the same thing night after night. I'm getting bored thinking about it. Overall: -1 out of 10.
