Fun with Webstats, December 2007 End-of-Year Edition

This marks the 3rd, 4th, or 5th installment of Fun with Webstats, which is the blog in which I look at the search items that led people to my site, as well as other fun stats.

Fun with Webstats... GO!

-I used an IP locater for the people who have gone to my site so much that it creeps me out. One is from New York City. Another is from Los Angeles. If you're going to my site more than twice per day, please pace yourself. You're creeping me out. There's a good chance that you're doing other things in your life that are creeping others out as well. I'm telling you this for your own good.

Someone from College Park, MD, is on the cusp of creeping me out, but not quite there yet. Keep your distance.

This is the only blog you'll find in which its writer is requesting that people visit the site less.

-Ask Geeves directed 376 people to my site. That number is entirely too high. If you're an Ask Geeves user, please make your New Year's resolution be that you will graduate to Google, or at least Yahoo. Come on. Be a big boy.

-190 people spent over an hour on my site. This too, creeps me out. It's okay if you're new to the site and reading old blogs. However, if you're doing something else, cut it out. I still haven't put pictures, or video or anything else on my site. 10-15 minutes should be plenty.

-In looking at how many times each page was viewed, I would like to contradict the previous bullet, and give kudos to whoever read every one of my blogs since 2005 this month. You are a super-fan. When I release a CD, you will most-likely buy it. That makes us friends. Hi, friend. What are you doing this weekend? Me? Not much. Just hanging out. Well, let's get together on Sunday. Cool. See you there.

-Roughly 8-12 percent of computer users use Macs. 9% of my readers use Macs. Nothing weird there. 3% of my readers use Linux. Less than 2% of all computer users in the USA use Linux. That means that readers of my blog are 1% more advanced than... more advanced than... other people.

-Two years ago, 74 percent of readers used Internet Explorer, versus 14% for Firefox. This December, Firefox has closed the gap to 52-31. Bing-bong. Firefox.

Now, onto my favorite part, search keyphrases.

-Six people were directed to my site after searching for "Pterodactyl." The fact that I'm a minor Internet authority on pterodactyls makes me feel like I've succeeded in life. High-five of success to life. I should mention that I know next-to-nothing about pterodactyls. Only that they're really cool and can fly. I hope someone quoted my Dinosaur Power Rankings in a paper or something. You know what, I'm going to start believing that someone did that at Harvard. A middle section of their paper reads: "There are four important categories to consider when determining if an animal is awesome. 1. Can it rip apart other animals? 2. Can it fly or climb trees? 3. Is it a dinosaur? 4. Is it a monkey or monkey-like?
Two out of four isn't bad. For future reference, if the answer to number 4 is “yes”, then the other categories are null and void. There's no such thing as a not-awesome monkey. "

-Six people looking for information on NBA not-so-great Alla Abdelnaby were directed to my site. Once again, success. If you're unfamiliar with Alla Abdelnaby, he was the Brooklyn Brawler of the NBA. Later in his career, he played the role of Doink the Clown.

-Six people searching for Giant Gonzalez were directed to my lack of information about him. Giant Gonzalez was a wrestler I mentioned in my Dinosaur Power Rankings by his former name, El Gigante.

-"People" was the search that three people entered and somehow ended up on my site. I have no idea how this happened, or why anyone would search for that word. I'm sure there have to be bigger sites that are mentioning the word "people." Maybe Google is thinking, "Yeah, there are bigger sites, but Ryan Conner really knows people." Or, they could be interested in People Magazine. If that's the case, why not assume it's people.com? I guess if they're interested in People Magazine, they probably wouldn't be able to figure that out. Burnnnnnn.

-"fantasy football smack talk quotes " was searched for by six people. I call these people, "lame people." If you want to talk shit to your fantasy football opponent, search for "Mike Tyson quotes," or "Roadhouse quotes." They will serve you much better. In a league with 12 strangers and one friend this year, I opened the season with my favorite Mike Tyson quote, "I'm gonna fuck you 'til you love me, faggot." Then I waited for my opponent to say something back. He didn't. Now, 16 weeks later, no one else in the league has used the smack-talk feature at all. So, now I'm just the weird guy who threatens to fuck people.

-Three people searching for the "Dilf Hunter" were sent to ryanconnercomedy.com. That is awesome. I'm going to keep mentioning Dilf Hunter every few months to keep this trend up. If you don't know what a Dilf is, it means, "Dads I'd Like to Fuck." Yep. This is the right site for that.

This is an aside, but weird, like Dilf Hunter, so I'm going to bring it up. 2 girls 1 cup. I had never heard of it, and was shown the video on The Schachter Factor, Jeremy Schachter's podcast. I reacted like a small girl who was having shit thrown at her. You can watch my reaction at jeremyradio.com. There's a dropdown menu at the top with a link to the video. I've been told it's the funniest reaction clip on the Internet.

I told everyone I know to watch the video. Khadi, my friend Quincy's old roomate, called me with a theory on the video. He always has, we'll say, dumb theories. Funny guy. Dumb theories. If you haven't seen the video or don't want to read something that's gross, skip this next section.

Khadi:Yo, I saw the 2 girls 1 cup video and figured it out.

Ryan:What did you figure out?

Khadi:It's a scam. If you watch it slow, you'll see that the stuff comes out the other hole.

Ryan:Are you saying that the girl shit out of her vagina?

Khadi:No man. That's nasty. That's crazy too.

Ryan:Then what are you saying.

Khadi:It was ice cream.

Ryan:Are you saying that ice cream comes from vaginas? Good idea, but wrong.

Khadi:Naw man. She put the ice cream up there and squeezed it out.

Ryan:[Unsure of why I would even join this argument.] That's impossible. Ice cream would melt.

Khadi:Nah. She put ice cubs up there too. It's like a tiny freezer.

Ryan:Why didn't the ice cubes fall out?

Khadi: She just squeezed them shits so they didn't fall out.

Ryan:[Wanting to end the conversation] Oh yeah. That makes sense.

Khadi:See. I told you.

I told this story on stage and a guy came up to me and said I should watch a video called 2 girls 1 finger. I told him I would. I had no intention of actually doing so. Somehow, he thought I was into 2 girls 1 cup, I guess. I forgot about the video. Then a friend told me to watch it last night. I didn't want to. Instead, I went to Youtube to watch reaction shots. The reactions were so strong, I thought they were exaggerating. Then I decided I would watch it and record my reaction. Here is what happened:

Back to the regularly scheduled program.

-Two people searched for the word "about" and were sent to my site. What is there to know about that word? I really don't have a clue. If you can spell the word, you know what it means.

-Two people searched for "Tiny Liston." He's the big guy from "Friday," and a former WWF wrestler named Zeus. I now realize that I reference wrestling way too much. I'm going to back off just a little bit.

-Apparently I had a huge typo at one point in time. There's no other way to explain someone typing "id dance hall hatert " and being sent to my site. Either a typo, or Jeeves thought, "What a 'tard. Send them to ryanconnercomedy.com. He talks about 'tarded stuff."

-The search-of-the-month for Ryan Conner, Pornstar Extraordinaire, was "Ryan Conner Freeones." Now I know to put "freeones" in the search tags for my site. I'm sure that will work. People will be looking for porn, see my site, and go, "Screw porn. Let's read some stories about Thanksgiving dinner with Ryan." People have actually said that to me. They'll say, "I bet the porn star directs a lot of traffic to your site." That makes no sense. She takes my traffic. No one is going to be looking for her and assume her URL would be ryanconnercomedy.com. On the other hand, people could go to ryanconner.com, looking for me, see the porn, and forget that I ever existed. That's how porn works. It's like that Arnold Schwarzaneggar movie, "Eraser."

-"Jersey for throwball girls." Throwball? I'm not going to look it up. I'll only assume that it's a new sport in which you throw a ball in no particular direction. Then pick it up and throw it in a different direction. This process would be repeated for hours. What makes it a sport? The jersey, that's what.

-One that made me laugh out loud, "purpose of crab soccer." I'm picturing a guy in his mid-20s, sitting around, thinking about elementary school. "Man, we used to finger-paint, play kickball, do math flashcards, and play crab soccer... Crab soccer? What the fuck? What was the point of that? Why didn't we just play regular soccer? How did the teachers not realize that if we just stood up, we'd be playing a real sport and maybe develop a skill? Or did P.E. teachers in the 80s think that crab soccer would take off and eventually there would be a pro league and if they popularized the sport, they could coach in the league? I know, I'll Google it."

-In the most confusing search keyphrase: "hitler with a bango funny." Hitler, bango, and funny should never be in the same sentence. Once again, I can't even guess what this person was looking for.

Notes

-My brother Sam, who is in the 6th grade, still believes in Santa Claus. I was out late on Christmas Eve and he told me to say "Hi" to Santa if I got home when he was there. I said, "Okay," dismissively.
Then he got excited and said, "Oh, and you better tell Rudolph I said hi too."
Sure that he was joking, I played dumb, pretending that I'd never heard of Rudolph. But Sam persisted, telling me all about him. Then I made him do earmuffs, paused my game of Madden, and I asked my brother Joaquim, "Is Sam serious?" Joaquim turned his head, stared and studied Sam for about 3 seconds, then turned back and said, as if he was diagnosing an illness, "Yeah, he's serious."
A couple days earlier, Joaquim asked, "Where is my shoes at?" Then he realized the grammatical error and corrected himself. "Where are my shoes at?" No one bothered to explain the article rule. If you get "is" and "are" mixed up, you aren't ready for the article rule.
-My brothers got a PS3 and buttload of games for Christmas. One of the games was Guitar Hero. I don't know if these songs were on the game or not, but Sam was running around the house, with the fake guitar around his neck, yelling. "Rock this way! Rock this way!" He meant "Walk this way..."
Another song was, "I love rock 'n' roll. Pada don dang dinga doo-bop baby."
Oh yeah, and "War, huh, duh gah pa. What it it is it duh guh? Amstalamly... NOTHING!" There's a section of that song in which three out of four words is "it." I didn't know that was possible.
-This happened several years ago, but I just remembered it. When my nephew, Alex, was about 5 or 6, he said, "Do you know Santa Claus' real name?" We said no. He said, "Frank Nicholas."
We asked, "Frank Nicholas?"
"Yep. Frank is going to bring me presents."
Cosby was right. Kids sure do say the darndest things.
-I was at my grandparents' house on Christmas Eve, in Boones Mill, VA. Look it up if you want. I'm not sure if Google knows about Boones Mill yet.
One thing was said that was really funny. One thing happened that was really funny.
Said:
There was about 25-30 kinds of food available. One of my brothers, Jasper, is vegan. He couldn't eat anything. Nothing at all. Not even vegetables because of how they were prepared. I don't know who gets hurt in the production of butter, but he insists that cows hate butter. My uncle, Jacob, was asking, "Why can't you eat broccoli," etc... Jasper kept giving him reasons. Finally, Jacob gave up and said, "You want to go outside and graze in the front yard for a while?"
Funny event:
We usually play football on Christmas Eve. There's always a football shortage though. Everyone assumes that someone else will have a ball, and we end up having to play with a NERF ball or something.
The family is huge (about 40-50 people), so we draw names for presents. Brent (brother) drew the name of a 6-year-old cousin. He figured that the cousin probably likes football. If he got him a football, he would probably like it, and we'd have a football on the ready for the annual game. Smart and selfish thinking. Whatever.
Just after he opened it, everyone started asking, "Are you ready to play football? Can we borrow that football?" Then we found out that the cousin and his dad, also my cousin, had to leave in 15 minutes. So, Brent asked if we could borrow the football. That's a ballsy-move. One could argue it is also a dick-move. It's an all-out-male-genitalia-move. The cousins decided to stay a little longer, so we could play football.
We went outside and tossed it back and forth a couple times. Then competitiveness sank in. I decided to try to throw it about 40 yards without the ball ever going over five-feet in the air(to avoid a tree). That is impossible. It hit the ground after about 25 yards. Then Brent decided that he should show off his arm strength (This was about three minutes after we came outside). He told me to back up, behind a row of 70ft pine trees. He was going to throw the ball roughly 50 yards, and over the trees. He launched it. If trees weren't there, the ball would have easily gone 60-65 yards. However, the trees were there, as previously stated. The ball got stuck in the tree about 50 feet up. So, my cousin never got to throw his new football even once. And the game never happened. All because Brent wanted people to know how strong his arms are. At first he tried to climb the tree to retrieve the ball. He got about 10 feet up, and I made him get down. Death would have happened if he kept climbing. Then the reached in his pocket, pulled out a twenty and gave it to my cousin. Brent told him, "Sorry about that. You can get another football with this." My cousin's eyes lit up as he said, "That's okay, I'll get something else." Then he ran to his dad's car to leave before Brent changed his mind. Then Brent yelled to the car, "If the ball falls out of the tree, it's mine." The spirit of giving was alive in Boones Mill, VA that day.

Here's an idea...

The Congressional approval rating is at an all-time low. This is because they have been able to get relatively nothing done over the past year. Solution: get something done by proposing legislation that we can all agree on. I think I have just the idea, and here it is. Anyone who has ever posted a comment on a YouTube video loses the right to drink, drive and vote. Especially vote. The end. We have a better country.
I thought of this because I watched a video that a friend sent to me. It was by two guys who call themselves "Red-State Update." The guys play rednecks from Alabama, and they talk about politics. At first, the opinions are so dumb that it's almost offensive. But once you figure out that it's a joke, it's hilarious. The particular video that he sent was called "Civil War Part II." It's about an upcoming civil war between the so-called blue and red states. It's clearly not serious, and is laugh-out-loud funny.
Every now and then, I like to check out the comments on YouTube videos to see how idiotic people can be. The people commenting on this video blew every other video comments out of the water. People didn't get that it was a joke and were actually debating the outcome of the Civil War. Not the Iraq War. Not Vietnam. Not Korea. Nothing that actually had a debatable ending, or was open-ended in any way. The fucking Civil War. The one that freed the slaves. That one. They were debating that. But the pro-South people ignored the fact that the Civil War was about slavery. I realize that if you're reading this, you're thinking it was shocking to read the comments, but it wasn't. It was hilarious to see that people actually thought that, and they still get to vote the same number of times that you and I do.
One actual criticism of the Union winning the Civil War was "...The next time you whine about California not being allowed to legalize marijuana for medical purposes because Washington D.C. objects, you know who to blame and it isn't the Confederates."
Yeah, I'm pretty sure that's what the Civil War was about; the future of medical marijuana. That's exactly what Jefferson Davis had in mind. I bet after the Battle of Bull Run, Jefferson Davis called Stonewall Jackson and Robert E. Lee in for a meeting.
JD:Look, Generals, we have to win this war, or else. The future of medical marijuana is at stake.
SJ: I don't know what the hell that is. But if we don't win, we'll also lose our slaves.
JD: Oh yeah, I forgot about that. Slaves are the black folks, right?
My point is, the South was/is racist.
And the Confederate pride is maybe the most annoying thing ever assembled. Worse than Wheelie, the worst Transformer ever.
People who display a confederate flag on their car or house need to be talked to. On top the offensiveness of the flag, it's pointless. The Civil War ended 142 years ago. There's no need to support the troops any longer. You don't see people riding around with Ottoman Empire flags on the back of their car, or Vespa.
Also, if the South had won the Civil War, and today we had a sovereign Confederate States of America, it would be the shittiest country in the entire world. Its entire economy would rely on tobacco exports and NASCAR merchandise. They would have to get foreign aide from countries like Latvia. People would be escaping across the borders INTO Mexico for jobs. And if you turned on the TV late at night, you'd see Sally Struthers doing a commercial. "For only 29 cents a day, you can provide little Billy Ray from Kentucky with a mayonnaise sandwich and a can of Crystal Pepsi." That's the kind of country the CSA would be. The kind of place where Crystal Pepsi would thrive. That is a fact. I lived in the south when Crystal Pepsi came out. Everyone loved it. The CSA would be the Wheelie of countries.

-Crucial Element update. If you've been reading my blog for a while, you know what Crucial Element is. If not, I'll brief you. It's a rap group that a friend/comic told me is "just about the best thing I've ever seen." We have a short intro video for CE on the front page of my site, and there are some songs on http://www.myspace.com/crucialelement703
We just finished recording a new song that we'll put on the site around January 2nd. It's called, "Sippin' on Gangsta Juice." It's the follow-up to "Ho's Run in Packs (They Run in Packs)."
We're also going to do a 10-13 episode season on the Internet (computer thing). A lot of it has already been shot. All of it has been written. Now it's just a matter of shooting a few episodes and editing them. Look for the first episode sometime in the next month.
If you want to see Crucial Element live, we're performing for 30 minutes at a rock club in DC called DC9. The show is February 10th. Tickets aren't available on the DC9 site yet, but I will let you know when they go on sale. In the meantime, block off that date.

Comment

I just got a comment that asked if I still write blogs or only post links. It was anonymous, but thank you to whoever posted it. I've been too lazy about the blog lately, focusing on other things, and needed someone to tell me to stop being lazy. I will do at least two new ones per week, hopefully three, starting tomorrow. I'm serious. I'll do it. I have a lot of stuff to write about... tomorrow(Friday). I'm tired as nuts right now and need some sleep.

Funny Political Ad

Say what you will about Mike Huckabee wanting to turn the country into a theocracy, but this ad is funny.



And here's the trailer for a new documentary called "Taxi to the Darkside."

Funny Stories

Here is one about Dusty Baker saying that "White people smell like wet dogs."

Here is one about the dad from ALF smoking crack, with pictures.

Savage Garden

"You know, the Gore-leone crime family is now the number one crime family in the world, when you think about it. He's about to pull off the biggest scam in the history of the world. It's bigger than any bank heist, bigger than any drug deal. It's bigger than any counterfeiting scheme, and he's doing it all nice and natural with a little help from the socialist perverts in Norway, who gave him a Nobel Prize. Why do I call them socialist perverts? Answer: because they are. By and large, 90 percent of the people on the Nobel Committee are into child pornography and molestation, according to the latest scientific studies," - conservative media darling, Michael Savage.

-courtesy of The Daily Dish, by Andrew Sullivan

I love it when people say, "according to scientific stories." That's slang for, "I just made that up."

Crucial Element Preview

Enjoy...

More Joaquim and Sam

-Back to funny things said at dinner.
My brothers and nephews were talking about music. Sam said, "We shouldn't listen to Lil Wayne. All he talks about is fornication and drug use." This is the first time since 1988 that a 6th-grader has quoted Footloose.
Seconds later, Joaquim thought that Sam said "hornification." He also thought it was a real word.
One of my older brothers and I were making fun of T Payne, because his album is called "Rappa Turnt Sanga." I said something to Sam about T Payne being dumb. Sam said, "Nu-uh. Before he was a rapper, he wanted to be a car dealership."
I told my step-dad some inside info I have on Michael Jackson and Quincy Jones. I didn't want the younger kids to hear it. But Joaquim insisted that I tell him. I told him I'd tell him if he could tell me three stories that were international news on that day. I didn't think he'd know any, but he actually did. It was a few weeks ago, so I don't remember the first one. The second one was Pakistani opposition leader Benazir Bhutto being put under house-arrest. His description was "That foreign lady got hit with rocks." I gave it to him.
He couldn't think of a third story. So he got desperate. About 30 seconds later he said, "I just remembered an international news story. Potomac's[his high school] is playing in the state semi-finals." I told him that wasn't international news. My 5th-grade nephew Alex, replied, "No, it is international news. I read it in a Malaysian scholastic journal this morning." Joaquim didn't detect the sarcasm and shot back, "See!" The moral of that paragraph is Alex is smart.
About two minutes later, when everyone thought the international news search was over, Joaquim blurted out, "Hillary Clinton is having a baby." My older brother, Allen, and I started choking from laughing at him. Joaquim kept saying, "She is. She is too. It was on CNN." Then my parents asked what Joaquim said, to which Sam replied, "Hillary Clinton is having a bake sale." This made mine and Allen's choking escalate. Sam joined in on the laughing, thinking everyone was laughing at Joaquim. Sam said, "How could the bake sale be international news." Joaquim corrected Sam, "She's having a baby, not a bake sale. Listen to yourself." Then Allen ended the exchange by saying, "No, she's having a bake sale in Iowa to raise money for her campaign." Joaquim thought he was close enough, so he asked, "That counts. Now what happened with Quincy Jones and Michael Jackson?"

It's Still Real To Me.

Thanks to anyone who came out to the Poonanza on Saturday. The show was a lot of fun and the crowd was into it the whole time. Bingo-bango.

Awesome Video

How does the same country that brings us robots, also bring us this?

Things

-I've spent a few days over the past couple weeks with my younger brothers. Two, Joaquim and Sam, should be cartoon characters. I don't want to sound like a "Kids Say the Darndest Things" comic, but here we go...

Note: My parents adopted my four youngest brothers, Toric, Joaquim, TJ and Sam, 3.5 years ago. They were in a very bad situation in which they rarely went to school. They've all caught up to their peers in school, except in a few areas that will take some time. For example, Joaquim had never heard of Europe before my parents adopted him. Sam is dyslexic and a slow learner. As a result, he confuses a lot of things and says things that are hilarious.

-While explaining how to use the water cooler in my parents' kitchen, Sam said, "Press this one for hot water, for tea or hot chocolate. This one is for cold water. And this one is just temperature." My step-dad buried his head in his hands and said, "Room temperature." Taken aback, Sam replied, "Whatever you want to call it."

-Sam told my mom and I that his teacher taught him that if you put warm salt water in a bottle and spray it down the coin slot of a soda machine, the sodas will drop out. I asked, "Did your science teacher tell you this?"
He said, "No. It was my English teacher."
"Why would your English teacher teach you how to steal?"
As if the lesson really hit home with him, he replied, "She was just telling us to never give up."
Confused, I said, "Umm, what? How does that teach persistence? It sounds like she's teaching you to be a petty criminal."
Then he was frustrated with me. With a tone that said, 'I'm not explaining this again,' he said, "She was just telling us that if we try hard enough, we can be anything that we want to be."
I don't know how he rationalized this. But if someone is teaching him how to steal, and the message translates to "Never give up," I guess that's better than him processing the message as "Go out and steal things."

-Sam is my brother who is in 6th grade, plays football and knocked a kid out, causing the game to end with a few minutes left. TJ is another brother who is Sam's age, and plays soccer. You won't read about TJ here, because he doesn't do or say ridiculous things.
The soccer and football seasons ended two weeks ago. On the day after the football season ended with an undefeated record, Sam was supposed to wear his shirt that read, "Potomac Football." He saw what he thought was the shirt, and put it on in the morning. Remember that he's dyslexic. Some days, words look like gibberish.
When he walked into his first period class, he walked up to the teacher, and hit his chest with his palms a few times to show off his Potomac Football shirt. The teacher looked confused and said, "Sam, I didn't know you're on the soccer team."
"What?"
"Your shirt says, 'Potomac Soccer'."
"Oh, I must have picked up TJ's shirt. Do you have any masking tape? I can cover it and write 'Football'."
"I don't think that's a good idea. Plus, I only have clear tape."
"Can I use some of that?" Sam asked without a hint of sarcasm.

More to come...