Notes from my Blackberry
-One of the unintentionally funniest and most annoying things in comedy is the tendency of clubs and PC comics substituting the word "urban" for black or African-American. It's so funny to me. Last night, a good friend of mine texted me, saying a show had a "mostly urban audience." The thing is, when people say it, it has nothing to do with the audience being city-dwellers. If that was the case, 99% of comedy shows would be "urban." However, if Michael Winslow, or Rondell Sheridan did a show in Havre de Grace, MD, people would call it an urban show.
I don't know who decided a few years ago that they would start referring to an entire race as if they live in a city. I'm going to start calling predominantly white audiences, "rural." Hispanic audiences will be "suburban." And Asian audiences... I don't perform for Asian audiences.
I think people say urban, because they don't know what's acceptable. For the record, it isn't racist to acknowledge that races exist. It isn't racist to say that a black person is black, just as it isn't racist to call a white person white. [Insert easy joke about how it's okay to call a certain race by a slur.]
Erin Jackson, a great comic from DC, has a funny joke about white people who are afraid to say that someone is black. Check her out.
-I was a substitute teacher for 3.5 years, before I started doing comedy. I need a little supplemental income now, so I'm looking to sub a few days per month. In Virginia, I taught high school music, English and math classes. In Hoboken, that will not happen. Why? When the high schools let out here, it looks like people are leaving a 3-6 Mafia concert. The gang signs flow like wine. I'm pretty sure I don't want to try to be a sub and teach 3-6 Mafia fans about Robert Frost's "Birches."
In an attempt to sub at a local elementary school, I called the school board and asked what the application process entails. The lady, in a heavy north-Jersey accent, replied, "Are you certificated?"
"Um, what was that?"
"Have you been certificated?"
Because I was calling a school system, I wasn't ready for people to use made-up words. I had no idea of what she was trying to say.
"I... I don't know. How does one get certificated?"
"There's a certification process..."
"Oh. No. Is there a New Jersey certification?"
"Yes. You have to get certificated in New Jersey."
"No, I haven't been certified."
I thought I had just opened her eyes to the concept of using real words.
"Well, if you get certificated, you get paid more."
Apparently, if you say "certificated" three times, I will stop listening to what you say for the next two minutes. And that's what happened.
Well, I just went to dictionary dot com. Guess who the moron is? Me. Turns out, the words are interchangeable. If that's the case, why has it taken me 27 years to hear someone say certificated? I'm blaming this ignorance on society. It is certifiably society's fault. Certificatebly society's fault.
-My friend, Quincy, and I recently moved to Jersey City Heights. Before I can explain this idea, I'll have to make an accurate topographical map Jersey City Heights in relation to Hoboken.
_________Jersey City Heights___
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|_____Hoboken______ -Hudson River - Manhattan
That's the future of cartography there.
Jersey City Heights is on a huge cliff on the edge of Hoboken. The only way to get from one to the other by foot is to ride an elevator or take a stairwell. The thing with the elevator is that, at night, it feels like you're in the middle of a rape zone. Two nights ago, I noticed that everyone walked an extra block and cut through a construction site to avoid two people who were standing at the main entrance. It's very shady. With that said, I'm pretty sure that one night, the elevator will be broken and I'll have to take the stairwell. And I'll get robbed in the stairwell. I've accepted that and moved on to how it will take place. Because it's a stairwell, and we're both clearly going to the same place, it's going to be awkward. I can just see someone pulling a knife on me and me having to give them the six one dollar bills that are in my pocket. Then, I say to them, "Well, do you want to leave first? We still have a lot of steps to go up, and it might be awkward if we do it together."
"Sure, I'll go first. But give me at least a 30 second head start, because my feet get tired."
"No problem. Have a good night." I have a condition that causes me to be very polite everyone, whether they just robbed me or not.
Then I'll get to the top, and this person will jump out with the knife and ask for my money again. And I'll have to tell him that I'm the same guy from the stairwell. And then his manners will kick in. "I'm so sorry. How rude of me. It's just that all white people look the same to me. Have an excellent stroll to your domicile. Cheerio."
Prediction: The same people who say "urban" will find "It's just that all white people look the same to me," offensive. It's a joke. And it's funny because no race is assigned to the person at all.
And I'm making fun of white people who think that every person they see is the same person. It's just absurd, but I guarantee I get at least one comment calling saying this blog was racist.
-I hate going to a pro sports game, or seeing one on TV, and seeing signs that people have made which people use the network name as initials for something that makes no sense. NBC is already means for National Broadcasting Corporation. NBC doesn't need to stand for anything else. But every football game features at least 20 signs reading something along the lines of.
Nobody can beat the Patriots
Because they're the best.
Champions.
I don't know who decided a few years ago that they would start referring to an entire race as if they live in a city. I'm going to start calling predominantly white audiences, "rural." Hispanic audiences will be "suburban." And Asian audiences... I don't perform for Asian audiences.
I think people say urban, because they don't know what's acceptable. For the record, it isn't racist to acknowledge that races exist. It isn't racist to say that a black person is black, just as it isn't racist to call a white person white. [Insert easy joke about how it's okay to call a certain race by a slur.]
Erin Jackson, a great comic from DC, has a funny joke about white people who are afraid to say that someone is black. Check her out.
-I was a substitute teacher for 3.5 years, before I started doing comedy. I need a little supplemental income now, so I'm looking to sub a few days per month. In Virginia, I taught high school music, English and math classes. In Hoboken, that will not happen. Why? When the high schools let out here, it looks like people are leaving a 3-6 Mafia concert. The gang signs flow like wine. I'm pretty sure I don't want to try to be a sub and teach 3-6 Mafia fans about Robert Frost's "Birches."
In an attempt to sub at a local elementary school, I called the school board and asked what the application process entails. The lady, in a heavy north-Jersey accent, replied, "Are you certificated?"
"Um, what was that?"
"Have you been certificated?"
Because I was calling a school system, I wasn't ready for people to use made-up words. I had no idea of what she was trying to say.
"I... I don't know. How does one get certificated?"
"There's a certification process..."
"Oh. No. Is there a New Jersey certification?"
"Yes. You have to get certificated in New Jersey."
"No, I haven't been certified."
I thought I had just opened her eyes to the concept of using real words.
"Well, if you get certificated, you get paid more."
Apparently, if you say "certificated" three times, I will stop listening to what you say for the next two minutes. And that's what happened.
Well, I just went to dictionary dot com. Guess who the moron is? Me. Turns out, the words are interchangeable. If that's the case, why has it taken me 27 years to hear someone say certificated? I'm blaming this ignorance on society. It is certifiably society's fault. Certificatebly society's fault.
-My friend, Quincy, and I recently moved to Jersey City Heights. Before I can explain this idea, I'll have to make an accurate topographical map Jersey City Heights in relation to Hoboken.
_________Jersey City Heights___
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|_____Hoboken______ -Hudson River - Manhattan
That's the future of cartography there.
Jersey City Heights is on a huge cliff on the edge of Hoboken. The only way to get from one to the other by foot is to ride an elevator or take a stairwell. The thing with the elevator is that, at night, it feels like you're in the middle of a rape zone. Two nights ago, I noticed that everyone walked an extra block and cut through a construction site to avoid two people who were standing at the main entrance. It's very shady. With that said, I'm pretty sure that one night, the elevator will be broken and I'll have to take the stairwell. And I'll get robbed in the stairwell. I've accepted that and moved on to how it will take place. Because it's a stairwell, and we're both clearly going to the same place, it's going to be awkward. I can just see someone pulling a knife on me and me having to give them the six one dollar bills that are in my pocket. Then, I say to them, "Well, do you want to leave first? We still have a lot of steps to go up, and it might be awkward if we do it together."
"Sure, I'll go first. But give me at least a 30 second head start, because my feet get tired."
"No problem. Have a good night." I have a condition that causes me to be very polite everyone, whether they just robbed me or not.
Then I'll get to the top, and this person will jump out with the knife and ask for my money again. And I'll have to tell him that I'm the same guy from the stairwell. And then his manners will kick in. "I'm so sorry. How rude of me. It's just that all white people look the same to me. Have an excellent stroll to your domicile. Cheerio."
Prediction: The same people who say "urban" will find "It's just that all white people look the same to me," offensive. It's a joke. And it's funny because no race is assigned to the person at all.
And I'm making fun of white people who think that every person they see is the same person. It's just absurd, but I guarantee I get at least one comment calling saying this blog was racist.
-I hate going to a pro sports game, or seeing one on TV, and seeing signs that people have made which people use the network name as initials for something that makes no sense. NBC is already means for National Broadcasting Corporation. NBC doesn't need to stand for anything else. But every football game features at least 20 signs reading something along the lines of.
Nobody can beat the Patriots
Because they're the best.
Champions.
posted by ryanconnercomedy at 10:27 AM
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