I'm alive, but barely.

I'm sitting in my hotel in Fairbanks, Alaska as I write this. Before getting into the events of the past couple days, I would like to set the record straight on Alaska. I've always been told that it's always dark during the winter in Alaska - makes sense because the Northern Hemisphere is tilted away from the sun during the winter months. However, Alaska isn't close enough to the pole for it to be dark all the time. The daylight is only slightly shorter than it is in DC and NYC, maybe 2-3 hours less. We have been bamboozled/hoodwinked. My thought is, why? Why would people say it's always dark here when that isn't true? What is there to gain? I don't get it, unless the lie has been spread by isolationist Alaskans who want to keep others out of the state. I'm joking about the isolationist Alaskans, but I can't think of a logical answer.

Another small matter: CNN has a new correspondent named Reynolds Wolf. That is terrible. Not only is the name awful, but it seems that CNN is trying to monopolize the "Journalists with Wolf in their Name Market." And they're succeeding. On a personal note, I laugh a little every time someone says Wolf Blitzer. Even if I don't hear them say it, I still laugh. How do I know people are saying it? I just do.

-On Wednesday, I did a show at Ball State, in Muncie, Indiana. The school is David Letterman's alma mater. And that excites me. I don't have much to say about Ball State, other than the show was awesome and the students were very cool. The only other things of note are:
I had dinner at a Thai restaurant that had exactly zero Asian employees. That was a first.
There is a burrito place in town by the name of La Bamba. On the window, they have a huge block letter sign, think Blockbuster, that reads, "BURRITOS AS BIG AS YOUR HEAD." That's awesome. I prefer quality over quantity, usually. But when the quantity is head-size, that trumps everything. How big are your burritos? Depends on the size of your head. Awesome.
In traffic, I sat behind a truck with a scrolling LED message on its license plate. The message was "Diggity! Diggity! Diggity! Let's Go Racin'!" Make your own jokes.

-Yesterday, I flew out of Indianapolis to Fairbanks, with two connecting flights, in Minneapolis and Anchorage. The flight from Indianapolis to Minneapolis was uneventful. But the one from Minneapolis to Anchorage was crazy.
The flight was packed. Not an empty seat anywhere. As I looked around, I noticed that most of the passengers were males, who wore camouflage that featured nature scenes within the camouflage. Example: Dogs catching fish and hunting varmints.
I was in a window seat in the last row. For a while, a pilot sat in the aisle seat, while the middle seat was unoccupied. Then, just before the door closed, the seat was taken by a hippie who smelled like a cross between b-o, trees and cleaning products, which should be a new Bath and Body Works shower gel. I tried to ignore him and just read my book. However, my book was about economics, which interests hippies who want to comment, but know nothing about the actual issues. So, he sparked a conversation. I use the word conversation loosely, as it was situation in which he was talking, while I nodded my head and occasionally muttered, "Okay, yeah." He told me all about his book, Human Sigma. It was not interesting at all.
A few minutes later, he started talking to the pilot on his left, as I read. Then I sensed an opportunity to sleep and avoid more conversation with him. The nap lasted about 4.5 hours, with a few interruptions. One time, I awoke and glanced over to see the pilot drawing a diagram explaining Bernoulli's Principle, the principle behind flight, to the hippie. I think the pilot was annoyed that he was having to do that.
When I woke up, I looked out the window, and we were flying over the Rockies. It was beautiful. Glaciers everywhere, all cracked, and showing signs of retreat. But great to look at regardless. Let's hope they don't all disappear. Eventually, we were able to see Mt. McKinley off in the distance - maybe 200 miles away. It is huge.
Just before landing, the hippie turned to the pilot and asked, "What's the cheapest place to get a plane these days?" He asked as if it might be in the cards. Like he might pick up a new plane over the weekend. The pilot looked confused and replied, "I guess from Boeing."
The flight from Anchorage to Fairbanks was short and amazing. We were relatively close to Mt. McKinley for about twenty minutes of the flight. It was great to be able to stare out the window at it.
This is going somewhere. Stay with me.
It's about -10 degrees here. I was told that we're in the middle of a heatwave, as it was 30 degrees colder last week.
After checking into my hotel, I watched the Democratic debate, then went to get food. The hotel restaurant is really expensive, and out of the question. The concierge directed me to walk to a BBQ place a few blocks away. I walked in the cold, without a hat, gloves or a heavy coat - only a light jacket, which I'll go ahead and say is the ballsiest thing I've ever done, which could be a good or bad thing.
On the way back, something big happened. I was crossing a street, as a car was turning left through the intersection I was walking through. The streets were covered in snow and ice. The car was waiting for me to cross enough to allow just enough room for a car to squeeze through - something done all the time in cities when the streets are dry. But just as the car approached, I thought it was going to hit me. I took a quick step to get out of the way, and stepped on a patch of ice. I slipped and fell backwards, my body smashing against the road. I could feel the car pass. My head less than a foot from the cars tires as it passed. As I was falling, my immediate thought was, "I'm going to die because I walked to get BBQ in Fairbanks. Bullshit." If the car had hit me, my head would have gone under the tires, and it would have been over (Which may be better than serious injury, because I don't have health insurance). But I was spared. And somehow I didn't even spill my drink. And now, I feel closer to Jesus. Just kidding.
In the process, my left hip, right knee and neck were injured, and are aching as I write this. But what's worse than that is I was robbed of the moment of clarity that follows experiences like this. Radiohead has a song called Airbag ("In an interstellar burst, I'm back to save the universe"), which is about that moment after barely avoiding a car crash, when you're overcome by the feeling that you've been given another chance at life, and that you should do something with that opportunity. It can be a powerful moment. But I got none of it.
A couple years ago, a group of guys tried to carjack me. I was on the phone with Rory Scovel at the time. The phone call distracted me from the fact that I was being carjacked. I did some James Bond driving and left the carjackers stuck in the parking garage they were attempting to block me into. I stayed on the phone, and never really felt the gravity of the situation.
Last night was similar. About three seconds after my head was almost smashed, my phone rang. It was Larry Poon. "Aw man. What's going on?" Almost got killed a couple seconds ago. "What?" Then we joked about how funny it was that I almost got killed while buying overpriced BBQ, that wasn't even very good. This conversation segued to the shows we've done in the past few days. I'm not even sure if my heart-rate was up for more than 30 seconds.
All I'm saying is that I was almost killed last night, in a pathetic way, and Larry Poon prevented me from having that moment of clarity which probably would have caused me to quit comedy, go to law school and become a civil rights attorney. So, kudos to Larry Poon for keeping people from improving the world.