Representing Satan tonight at Chief Ike's...
-The Crucial Element show on Sunday night at DC9 was awesome. Hopefully video will be available soon. Jimes opened the show and was great. Larry Poon headlined and was great as well. Next time we do a show together, I recommend that you attend.
-I just received the following email:
"Hello my name is Silas, I live in the Brazil and I want to congratulate for your birthday I am your fa and I attend your videos, many kisses"
It came from what looked like a legit address, and didn't go to my spam folder. I chalked it up to being the nicest spam email ever sent. Then I was tipped off that it was probably intended for Ryan Conner, Porn-Star Extraordinaire. That makes perfect sense. I replied, "Thank you for your congratulates. And thank you for attending my videos. It's good to know that I have fans (fa) in Brazil.
XOXO,
Ryan"
What makes this extra special is that it came almost two years, to the day, after my first email exchange with someone who thought I'm the porn-star. You can read that entire creepy exchange, and see the pictures here.
And while we're on the subject, how is everyone in porn considered a "star"? It seems that with a field that large, at least a handful of actors would have the humility to admit they're just character-actors, or character-fuckers, depending on how you look at it. Or maybe that's the industry's way of boosting self-esteem. Clearly, the women have no self-esteem, and the men are assholes with inflated senses of self-worth. I guess the industry is telling every woman, "No, you're a star. You're all stars! High-five for yourselves. And you'll feel like a star when your scene partner's self-esteem explodes onto your face."
-Apparently Chuck Knoblauch has been using steroid. WTF, people? WTF? If you don't know who he is, he's a baseball player whose skill level doesn't even merit me looking up the proper spelling of his name. The question is, how bad would he have been without the steroids? He was already the Dick Trickle of baseball. (Dick Trickle was a NASCAR driver who always finished last. On Sportscenter, they would list the top five finishers, then say, "And in 42nd place, Dick Trickle.") Chuck Knoblauch using steroids is like if there was an illegal funny serum, and people found out that Gallagher was using. Not even Gallagher. Gallagher II, his brother who now does his act.
-This video is pretty funny. It's a news report from a local Fox affiliate in Massachusets. The story is about a program that takes mental patients on field trips. Some of these patients are convicted sex-offenders who are being re-integrated into society. The state has deemed them to be safe in public. This video chronicles what is apparent community outrage. The funny part is that Fox covered it in the same way they do their "Terrorists Want To Eat Your Babies" stories. And a woman named Lori Myers came up with the worst analogies I can think of. One was (paraphrasing), "Taking one of these people to a circus, is like taking a drug addict to a pharmacy." Really? Is that in any way similar? Because you can blow a guy for meth at a pharmacy? Or his her imaginary scenario guy addicted to vitamins. You need a prescription to prescription medication at a pharmacy, Lori.
-Now to the meat of this blog entry. Monday night, I did a show at Chief Ike's in DC. Justin Schlegel went up close to the beginning of the show, doing a character named Homeless Chuck. He was dressed as a homeless man, holding a sign which read, "Will suck cock for money. God Bless You." And he did topical jokes that all ended with him saying something along the lines of "... but I don't really care, because I don't have a home." It was really funny, and intentionally, or unintentionally a social statement. As he left the stage, he grumbled into the mic, "If you want a handjob, use olive oil." I laughed because I thought it was funny, as did most. But a handful of people laughed really hard. I didn't ask why they thought it was extra funny.
Two comics before me was Seaton Smith. Toward the end of his set, he said, "I keep getting distracted by the old woman in the back who was talking about jerking off with olive oil." When I turned around to see who he was talking about, she and I locked eyes, and her 70-year-old, red-trench-coat-wearing, capsule of craziness smiled at me. This freaked me out. I had to walk outside.
Outside, I talked to Jay Hastings, Will Hessler, Justin, and Red, a manager of the DC Improv about it. Apparently this woman had a message about olive oil that she had been sharing with people all night. Everyone was equally creeped out, and I think intrigued. Everyone was saying things along the lines of, "What a nasty thing to hear from an old lady, " but I think everyone was also thinking, "What's so special about olive oil?"
I went back inside a couple minutes before it was time to go onstage, and sat next to the stage, where I was talking to Seaton. As the host, Nick Turner, went on stage to introduce me, I felt a tap on my shoulder. It was the old lady, wearing the red trench coat. If we were to do a literary critique, we would identify her character with Satan. When I turned and she started speaking to me, it was as if time continued to pass, but not for me. Like I was paused, while the rest of the world was fast-forwarding.
She said, "The next time you're having sex with your partner..." -which is already bad. I don't want a 70-year-old anything, referring to me having sex. So... already disturbed. Back to the quote. "The next time you're having sex with your partner..." - and if you get grossed out, stop reading - "... just before you climax..." - once again, a 70-year-old woman in a red trench coat is saying this, not a porn-character-fucker - "...when you're rock-hard..." - yuck- "...pull out and have your partner pour olive oil all over her hands..."- what? - "... and jerk you off..." - since when do 70-year-olds say jerk you off?- "... It's the best." How does she know that? Huh? How would she know that it's the best?
As she was telling me that, the crowd was looking at me, waiting for me to go on stage. I shuffled to the stage. I guess you could say I was taken aback, times about one-thousand. I slowly pushed Nick, the host, off of the stage. Then, in a horrified manner, I started to recount the advice for the crowd. And just as I started to tell the crowd, the woman turned to Seaton and said, "Good, he's telling everyone," as if it was a PSA. She thought I was sharing the gospel of olive oil handjobs, for the betterment of society. She thought that my look of horror was a look of interest, or enlightenment. Picture someone who looks horrified. Now picture someone who looks like they just had an epiphany. Very different looks, right? Not to her.
Justin Schlegel is great at, I don't know, being funny. He called the olive oil thing, "The Tuscan Jerkdown," and "The Italian Handshake." Funny stuff.
After the episode with me, the woman invited Jay and Red back to her place to listen to "40s and 50s rock 'n' roll records," with the assurance that she "knows how to party." Of course they turned her down, but I was picturing them going. She puts on "The Monster Mash," grabs some olive oil (extra-virgin olive oil for extra irony), drops the trench-coat and has the biggest triceps this world has ever seen.
-I just received the following email:
"Hello my name is Silas, I live in the Brazil and I want to congratulate for your birthday I am your fa and I attend your videos, many kisses"
It came from what looked like a legit address, and didn't go to my spam folder. I chalked it up to being the nicest spam email ever sent. Then I was tipped off that it was probably intended for Ryan Conner, Porn-Star Extraordinaire. That makes perfect sense. I replied, "Thank you for your congratulates. And thank you for attending my videos. It's good to know that I have fans (fa) in Brazil.
XOXO,
Ryan"
What makes this extra special is that it came almost two years, to the day, after my first email exchange with someone who thought I'm the porn-star. You can read that entire creepy exchange, and see the pictures here.
And while we're on the subject, how is everyone in porn considered a "star"? It seems that with a field that large, at least a handful of actors would have the humility to admit they're just character-actors, or character-fuckers, depending on how you look at it. Or maybe that's the industry's way of boosting self-esteem. Clearly, the women have no self-esteem, and the men are assholes with inflated senses of self-worth. I guess the industry is telling every woman, "No, you're a star. You're all stars! High-five for yourselves. And you'll feel like a star when your scene partner's self-esteem explodes onto your face."
-Apparently Chuck Knoblauch has been using steroid. WTF, people? WTF? If you don't know who he is, he's a baseball player whose skill level doesn't even merit me looking up the proper spelling of his name. The question is, how bad would he have been without the steroids? He was already the Dick Trickle of baseball. (Dick Trickle was a NASCAR driver who always finished last. On Sportscenter, they would list the top five finishers, then say, "And in 42nd place, Dick Trickle.") Chuck Knoblauch using steroids is like if there was an illegal funny serum, and people found out that Gallagher was using. Not even Gallagher. Gallagher II, his brother who now does his act.
-This video is pretty funny. It's a news report from a local Fox affiliate in Massachusets. The story is about a program that takes mental patients on field trips. Some of these patients are convicted sex-offenders who are being re-integrated into society. The state has deemed them to be safe in public. This video chronicles what is apparent community outrage. The funny part is that Fox covered it in the same way they do their "Terrorists Want To Eat Your Babies" stories. And a woman named Lori Myers came up with the worst analogies I can think of. One was (paraphrasing), "Taking one of these people to a circus, is like taking a drug addict to a pharmacy." Really? Is that in any way similar? Because you can blow a guy for meth at a pharmacy? Or his her imaginary scenario guy addicted to vitamins. You need a prescription to prescription medication at a pharmacy, Lori.
-Now to the meat of this blog entry. Monday night, I did a show at Chief Ike's in DC. Justin Schlegel went up close to the beginning of the show, doing a character named Homeless Chuck. He was dressed as a homeless man, holding a sign which read, "Will suck cock for money. God Bless You." And he did topical jokes that all ended with him saying something along the lines of "... but I don't really care, because I don't have a home." It was really funny, and intentionally, or unintentionally a social statement. As he left the stage, he grumbled into the mic, "If you want a handjob, use olive oil." I laughed because I thought it was funny, as did most. But a handful of people laughed really hard. I didn't ask why they thought it was extra funny.
Two comics before me was Seaton Smith. Toward the end of his set, he said, "I keep getting distracted by the old woman in the back who was talking about jerking off with olive oil." When I turned around to see who he was talking about, she and I locked eyes, and her 70-year-old, red-trench-coat-wearing, capsule of craziness smiled at me. This freaked me out. I had to walk outside.
Outside, I talked to Jay Hastings, Will Hessler, Justin, and Red, a manager of the DC Improv about it. Apparently this woman had a message about olive oil that she had been sharing with people all night. Everyone was equally creeped out, and I think intrigued. Everyone was saying things along the lines of, "What a nasty thing to hear from an old lady, " but I think everyone was also thinking, "What's so special about olive oil?"
I went back inside a couple minutes before it was time to go onstage, and sat next to the stage, where I was talking to Seaton. As the host, Nick Turner, went on stage to introduce me, I felt a tap on my shoulder. It was the old lady, wearing the red trench coat. If we were to do a literary critique, we would identify her character with Satan. When I turned and she started speaking to me, it was as if time continued to pass, but not for me. Like I was paused, while the rest of the world was fast-forwarding.
She said, "The next time you're having sex with your partner..." -which is already bad. I don't want a 70-year-old anything, referring to me having sex. So... already disturbed. Back to the quote. "The next time you're having sex with your partner..." - and if you get grossed out, stop reading - "... just before you climax..." - once again, a 70-year-old woman in a red trench coat is saying this, not a porn-character-fucker - "...when you're rock-hard..." - yuck- "...pull out and have your partner pour olive oil all over her hands..."- what? - "... and jerk you off..." - since when do 70-year-olds say jerk you off?- "... It's the best." How does she know that? Huh? How would she know that it's the best?
As she was telling me that, the crowd was looking at me, waiting for me to go on stage. I shuffled to the stage. I guess you could say I was taken aback, times about one-thousand. I slowly pushed Nick, the host, off of the stage. Then, in a horrified manner, I started to recount the advice for the crowd. And just as I started to tell the crowd, the woman turned to Seaton and said, "Good, he's telling everyone," as if it was a PSA. She thought I was sharing the gospel of olive oil handjobs, for the betterment of society. She thought that my look of horror was a look of interest, or enlightenment. Picture someone who looks horrified. Now picture someone who looks like they just had an epiphany. Very different looks, right? Not to her.
Justin Schlegel is great at, I don't know, being funny. He called the olive oil thing, "The Tuscan Jerkdown," and "The Italian Handshake." Funny stuff.
After the episode with me, the woman invited Jay and Red back to her place to listen to "40s and 50s rock 'n' roll records," with the assurance that she "knows how to party." Of course they turned her down, but I was picturing them going. She puts on "The Monster Mash," grabs some olive oil (extra-virgin olive oil for extra irony), drops the trench-coat and has the biggest triceps this world has ever seen.
posted by ryanconnercomedy at 1:45 PM
4 Comments:
That may be one of the most disturbing things I've ever heard. I use olive oil to cook with and now I question its purity. Damn you Ryan.
Unfortunately the person that she said "Oh good he's telling everyone" to was me. But anyway, when I tell the story I tell people she was talking to Seaton too.
Love, Peace, and Olive Oil
John McBride
It would've been really funny if she said, "Pain don't hurt," after giving you the advice.
i was doing a character. geez.
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