Steve Nash's Birthday

-As stated in the previous blog, I did a show, killed, and was almost killed in Alaska. I forgot to mention two other facts about Alaska.
1. A citizen of Alaska broke the record for quickest post-show Myspace/Facebook friend request. The record had been broken just two days earlier in Indiana when I got a request 15 minutes after my set. That record was shattered in Alaska. I got offstage at 11:42PM local time. I have Myspace and Facebook on my Blackberry because I'm a loser (or gay, according to Rory Scovel). At 11:51PM, it buzzed, and the record was shattered. Nine minutes. That's unheard of. That's the 4-minute mile/100 points in a game/6 TDs in the Superbowl/63 points in a playoff game/hat trick in the World Cup Final of social networking feats. Way to be excellent at things, Alaska.

Sarah Palin
2. Order of business number two is that Alaska's governor, Sarah Palin, is very hot. Some would say MILFy. I would be a member of the aforementioned "some" faction. She really looks like a stripper. In fact, she looks more like a stripper than any stripper I've ever seen. She looks like she'd play a secretary stripper who comes to your house.

Knock-knock.
"Does anyone need their paperwork to be filed?"
"I don't understand the metaphor, but let's get a look at those tittes."
Note: I don't say "titties," but I'm pretty sure it was the best way to end that sentence. "...let's get you out of those clothes," doesn't have the same pizazz.

-I don't like eavesdropping, for the same reason I don't do crowd work. It bores the hell out of me. "Oh, you're a teacher and this is your wife? How interesting. How long have you been married?" But I was at a diner where I overheard a woman say, "That's how much he loves ketchup. " That has to be one of the funniest things I've ever heard. I didn't hear any other parts of the conversation, but I imagine it was dreadful. Why would she be explaining to anyone, someone's affinity for ketchup? Even her own? If someone told me, "That's how much I love ketchup," I would look at them for a couple seconds, then say, "Listen to yourself. What are you doing? Is your life really so shitty that ketchup is a highlight? Not just a highlight, but one that you feel that you should share with others? Kill yourself." That's pretty bad, right? This woman was even worse, because she was talking about someone else's relationship with ketchup. Talk about trivial. I'm going to start telling people about how much my brother Brent loves butter. I mean, he puts it on his toast, his rolls, his corn. It's incredible. I still don't understand the ketchup conversation.
"Marty loves his condiments."
"Not as much as my Greg."
"Oh yeah, he puts it on his green beans."
"Greg has it on his Corn Flakes."
"Marty doesn't like KY. Strictly a ketchup man. That's how much he loves ketchup."

-I went to a Knicks game last night with Danny Rouhier and Erin Conroy, thanks to Danny. I never understood the fuss about Madison Square Garden before going there last night. I figured it was standard New York City propaganda. New Yorkers claim that everything in NYC is the best in the world. "You want to get a new suitcase? Come to New York. Best suitcases in the world." This arena really is. Incredible. Go see a game there if you can.

Danny and I were having to explain basketball to Erin. She didn't know what or where the free-throw line is. During the game, we had the basketball equivalent of Haley's Comet to explain to her. Four American white guys were on the floor at the same time for the Pacers. That's the first time that has happened since the 88 Celtics.

-Yesterday, I played basketball at my gym for the first time since June. I had forgotten why I stopped playing there. It's to prevent myself from using the word 'bama. That isn't a Ryan Conner word (As writing in the third-person isn't a Ryan Conner act). But as I was playing the bums at my gym (who suck so bad, it's frustrating), the only thing I could think was, "Straight 'bamas." And I don't want to be someone who talks like they're in 1995.

- More basketball talk. If you aren't into sports, you may want to navigate away from this page... now.
In the course of about 10 seconds, Danny talked me down from saying that Mike Dunleavy was a really good college player, to "he's a really good one-on-one player... for a white guy."

In one of the most lopsided trades in recent memory, Shaq was traded to Phoenix for Shawn Marion and Marcus Banks. If you aren't a basketball fan, Phoenix is the team who got the short end of the stick.

Over the past 20 years, the worst trades have been:
1. Olden Polynice for Scottie Pippen on draft night.
2. Vlade Divac for Kobe Bryant on draft night.
3. Charles Barkley for Andrew Lang, Tim Perry and Jeff Hornacek.
4. Robert Traylor for Dirk Nowitzki on draft night.
5. Pau Gasol for Kwame Brown and prospects.
6. Although it wasn't a direct trade, 32-year-old Ben Wallace for 24-year-old Tyson Chandler.
7. Mitch Richmond for Billy Owens.
8. Ron Harper (in his prime) for Danny Ferry.

The Shaq-Marion trade should land somewhere between 4 and 6. It makes no sense. You could argue that Marion is the best all-around small forward since Scottie Pippen's prime, and maybe a top 10 SF of all-time. And he still has about 3 prime years left. Of course Shaq, is a top-5 center of all-time, but he's almost old enough for grandkids now. People could argue that he's a legend and he can turn it on like Jordan did when he was older. But he's not aging like Jordan. Shaq is 35, and scoring and rebounding at just above 50% of his career averages, if you don't count this and last year. When Jordan was 35, his stats were all at his career averages, and he was MVP of the regular season, all-star game and Finals. So, there are different kinds of aging stars.

I know what Phoenix was thinking, but don't know why they were thinking it. Steve Kerr, their new GM, is the funniest athlete in the world, the best 3-point shooter of all-time, and has five championships. All of these things make me like him a lot. But this deal makes him seem senile. He's thinking Marion is bad for chemistry, and this year is probably their last shot for a title. So he needs to pull the trigger. Sure, but why for Shaq?

They want to increase the size of their front line to compete with LA, San Antonio and Dallas in the playoffs. The trade will accomplish that, however it will cause them to change their entire playing style. Shaq does not play transition basketball, and hasn't for about 10 years. If they tame their offense for Shaq, they're compromising their entire system. Although this will give them the size that they need on paper to compete in the playoffs, in practice it will not work. Shaq will spend most of the year on the bench with injuries or foul trouble.

Phoenix is right about this possibly being their last chance. But I say dance with the one who brought you. Steve Nash turns 34 today, and somehow is having the best or second best season of his career. It makes no sense. And for that reason, it seems that he'll have to start dropping off next year, or the following year. He has to. Let's be honest. Nash has had the most longevity of any elite white guard since Cousy. Pistol Pete was almost dead by that age. Stockton doesn't count. I'm convinced he was a robot.

Their Achilles' Heel in the past has been their defense. But their defense has been good this year. This trade will disrupt their offense and defense. In the end, Phoenix is going to exit the playoffs early, again.

With Nash aging, look for Stoudemire to become discontented in a couple years, and ask for a trade. To add insult to injury, they will not be able to lure free agents for a few years because of the cap space that Shaq's contract eats up. Phoenix will be in the lottery in three years.

Over the past two years, it has appeared that Shaq's mind hasn't been willing to accept what his body has been telling him. I guess the Suns' organization isn't willing to accept the facts of Shaq's deterioration either.

-Danny and I predicted the Boston Celtics season just as it has played out. Strong out of the gate with an incredibly weak schedule. Then the minutes would wear on the players once they're playing quality teams. In the end, they'll win about 60 games, and get handled by Detroit in 5 or 6 games in the playoffs.
Over the first two months of the season, people were comparing them to the 95-96 Bulls, who went 72-10, and could have easily went 74-8, but got complacent in a couple late-season games. The Celtics are 11-6 since January 1.