Knock Three Times

-David Bowie is awesome.
-I was in the bus station in Manhattan on Thursday night, waiting to return to glorious Jersey City Heights. Two Vietnamese guys were sitting on a bench, having a conversation in Vietnamese. That is, all but two words were in Vietnamese. And those two were in English. The words that they chose to say in English were hilarious. The conversation went like this, and I'll substitute "blah" for the Vietnamese words, because I don't have a Vietnamese keyboard. And that's the only reason.
-"Blah blah blah blah blah."
-"Blah blah blah."
-"Blah blah?"
-"blah?"
-"Deez nutz!"
It was definitely nutz with a 'z'. This was followed with uproarious laughter, as it should have been. When has a Deez Nutz joke not killed? Never. If I could write Deez Nutz jokes, I would be the next Warren Buffett... or Bryson Turner. And this supports my theory that in any other language, "Deez nutz" loses its umph. It's like the English version of "je ne sais quoi." "What's he like?" I don't know. He has a certain deez nutz about him.

-In this article, John McCain actually said that Al-Qaeda might try to tip the election to the Democrats. That's a 10 out of 10 on the Fear Scale. And the Absolutely Retarded Scale(ARS). My friend, Al, and I used to be huge McCain fans, until he started saying things like this. Whenever he makes a comment like this, or changes his position 180 degrees on something like immigration, we say in the tone of war movie, "This would never happen if John McCain was still alive."

-At my show in Connecticut on Friday, there was a 5:1 girl-to-guy ratio. I'm turning into the John Mayer of comedy. I said that on-stage at the show. Then I remembered that John Mayer now does comedy, and is pretty good for a new comic. So I needed to pick a new artist to avoid confusion. I asked Erin Conroy (friend/comic who came with me to open the show).
She suggested, "The guy who old women love."
I asked, "Michael Buble?"
"No... Josh Groban."
Then I threw a ninja star at her face. Seriously, if anyone reading this ever compares me to Josh Groban, I will go to your apartment in Brooklyn after the show, make a chicken quesadilla, and shit four times in your bathroom. You don't want that to happen. Do you, Erin?

Josh Groban and I singing "Knock Three Times" at the grand opening of an Econo Lodge in East Lansing, MI.

-There's a restaurant in the East Village called, "Max Brenner: Chocolate by the Bald Man." And the sign features a silhouette of a clearly bald man, presumably one Max Brenner. I have two issues with this. 1: Max Brenner thinks that people know who he is. 2: Max Brenner thinks that the fact that he's bald is much more significant than it actually is. I can see him getting up in the morning and doing a daily affirmation. "When people think Max Brenner, what comes to mind? First, chocolate. Then, bald." I hope it never comes to that for me. People will ask, "Do you know who Ryan Conner is?" Yeah, he's the guy with hair. How can that be the most significant thing about anyone? Unless they're dead and have no personality to be remembered by? Then bald still couldn't be in the top two. Number one would be that he's dead. And number two would be cause of death. Hairstyle might crack the top 10.
The name of this restaurant really bothers me. To put it in perspective, have you ever seen a restaurant called, "Sid Wallers: Chicken by the Guy who Always Wears a Hat"? You'd think one of two things. 1: Who is Sid Wallers? Or 2: Oh, I know Sid Wallers. I guess he does always wear a hat. I never thought about that. It's like Max Brenner is one of those guys who tries to force a nickname on people. "Hey, the name is Max Brenner. My friends call me Bald Max. You can call me Bald Max. Keep it gully."