Manic Monday
Table of Contents.
Section 1 - Brother Update
Section 2 - Dancing with the Stars
Section 3 - Taco Bell's bad decisions
Section 4 - Proof the Detroit is the worst city in the USA
Section 5 - The ignorance of youth
Section 6 - Bedside Manner
Section 7 - I can't understand old guys.
Section 1
The previous update on my brother, Dong, was optimistic. We believed he would be released immediately. That was not the case. I have recently found out that his case worker (the person responsible for his arrest, and who has the power to release him) hasn't worked since Dong was arrested.
Now we're three weeks in. Dong was in a holding cell with 11 other people who were in the exact same situation, except from other countries. They have now been deported, because they didn't have Green Cards. Since the previous update, ICE has sent Dong's Green Card to him. He's on path to citizenship. However, on Thursday, instead of being sent home, he was moved to a real prison, with criminals, and I suppose masterminds. More criminals than masterminds, I'm guessing.
This is starting to get annoying. Every member of congress that we've spoken to has told us they would help if they could, but because the Justice Department has custody of him, their arms are tied. Checks and balances. One would think that if they're going to observe that part of the Constitution, the part about due process could be observed as well.
Section 2
Tonight, I watched Dancing with the Stars. Not by choice. It annoys me that shows like this exist for two reasons. First, there are plenty of great scripts that can be made into TV series. I wrote four of them. And secondly, because it glorifies dancing. Why don't we make a show called Gang-banging with the Stars while we're at it? That's what I liken dancing to. It's a silly, arbitrary act that harms society.
Think about how arbitrary it is. What is the correlation between music and jumping/running/shimmying around? None. People say, "The music makes me want to dance. You just don't appreciate it. That's why you don't dance." No. I do appreciate it. The music makes me want to listen. That's what it's designed for. Sounds are made for listening. Food doesn't make me want to run. It makes me want to eat.
And my allegation of harming society wasn't really serious. But it does encourage people to suck at conversation. In college, every time I met a girl at a bar or party and she tried to get me to dance, I asked if we could just have a conversation. Nine times out of 10, they didn't understand why I would prefer that to arbitrarily moving to music. And nine times out of 10, the relationship ended there.
God, I fucking hate dancing.
I actually just finished a script on Friday in which about eight pages is dedicated to how much I hate dancing. Then I had to watch the show tonight. That's like making the Pope perform an abortion.
I watched the show with my girlfriend. Everything else about her is awesome. She just happens to like one show that I think is almost as bad as MTV's Wild-N-Out. She watched the NCAA tournament with me all weekend. Fair trade.
Luckily, we only watched the first hour, then switched to a PBS documentary on the Iraq and Afghanistan wars. During the hour, I was entertained while people weren't dancing. Every time they showed Adam Corolla, I laughed. He's really funny, and I think he must have lost a bet. I can't see him agreeing to do the show otherwise. He also called one of the judges a "bitch" last week. That's gangsta. That's gully.
Steve Gutenberg was on the show. Yes, Mahoney. Mahoney kept saying corny things, but I insisted he was joking, while trying to sleep with his instructor. I'm still pretty sure he slept with his instructor, and her mom. Long story. However, I now know he wasn't joking when he was being corny. After the judges gave their negative critiques, he responded that he's still having a great time and "This show makes the world a better place." He went on to say it again. He was serious. How? How does this show make the world a better place? It's mindless entertainment. There's nothing wrong with mindless entertainment in moderation, but it's not feeding refugees and giving people health insurance. And it's not keeping the Pope from performing all those abortions. What? How is it improving the world, Mahoney? Mahoney!!!
I agree with Ricky Gervais about the nature of these shows. He made an impassioned speech in the Extras special that sums up celebrity shows essentially as an aide to the downfall of culture. And here it is.
The show features a British judge. Sounds similar to another show that also makes the world a better place. He is also jeered by the audience, much like Simon Cowell. What makes the jeering funnier than Cowell's is the fact that no one in the crowd knows anything about ballroom dancing, but they act like they do. There's no way they do. Only like 10 people in the world do. The old British guy is one of him. But people booed when he told Penn Jillette that his footwork was shoddy. People booed as if they had any idea of the difference between a good quick-step and a bad quick-step. I watched and I don't really understand how a quick-step differed from the other dances, or why anyone would want to do any of them.
Section 3
Taco Bell needs to hire a new ad firm. Last year, they coined my favorite stupid term of the past few years; "Fourth Meal." It's so stupid that I use it all the time. Never in reference to Taco Bell though.
I started a boycott of Taco Bell almost four years ago when they towed my car for no reason. Eventually I gave in to the glory of the Chicken Mexi-Melt. Fourth Meal reinstated the boycott. Now I say the phrase as a joke to friends. Someone asks if I'm hungry. I reply, "I could really go for some Fourth Meal." They laugh. I laugh. We have a good time. Then we have fourth meal.
Now Taco Bell has a commercial, touting the "Melty cheese" in their newest creation. Melty? The word is "melted." It's a real word and it means what they want it to mean. No need to invent new words. I'm picturing a creative team sitting around, saying, "We need to make up a word that describes the process that occurs when something is heated until it changes shape." Melted? "That's gay. Nope." Umm, melty? "Perfect."
Melty sounds like a 5-year-old is running their creative department. "Try our tacos, with yummy-yummy-in-my-tummy lettuce, and yucky-yuck onions."
It reminds me of a Discovery show I saw on Budweiser Breweries. I swear a 5-year-old wrote the script. At one point, the narrator said, "Meanwhile, back at the brewery, it was nervous time." Nervous time? Really? This happened during the writers' strike. Maybe that's the cause. 5-year-old scabs.
Section 4
I have been firm in my belief that Detroit is the worst city in the country for a number of years. Since making that first declaration, I have since been to Baltimore, Jacksonville, Newark and Pittsburgh. None are even close to Detroit. I have a new piece of evidence. I was watching a Pistons game on the motion picture box, when they cut to the rafters. There's a number 10 hanging in the rafters, retired, with the name Bon Jovi written on it. The city has created a banner in Bon Jovi's honor, and assigned it a number. If they actually were retiring Bon Jovi, they would be the greatest city on Earth. But that's not what they were doing. They're only encouraging him.
Section 5
I went to the Philadelphia Museum of Art. There was a group of eight or nine 9th-10th graders there. When in line behind them, they kept saying, loudly, in line at an art museum, "Air-born." They said it in the cadence that a thug like you or I would say, "West-Side." They also did a gang sign that looked like 3M. Poor name choice. 3M is already taken by the creators of Post-Its and Scotchguard. Not gangsta. Also while in line, they sang popular R+B songs. That was delightful. However not as delightful as when one girl proclaimed, "They's a Chinese girl dat ca' sing good." That's four grammatical errors in an eight word sentence. Astounding.
But the coup de grace occured in a room that housed Van Gogh's and Monet's. They were posing in front of the pictures, as if they were shooting Glamour Shots. At one point, all of them gathered together for a group picture, similar to this, plus two girls in the front, standing back-to-back, making a kissing face at the camera.
The picture isn't the aformentioned coup de grace. That occured directly thereafter. Sandwiched between 20 or so of the world's most famous paintings, the kids started doing the Soulja Boy. My girlfriend and I laughed, as we'd been studying them like Jane Goodall all afternoon, and the study had just climaxed. Everyone else was horrified.
Sidenote: One of my younger brothers was talking about Soulja Boy, whose full name is "Soulja Boy Tell'em," whatever that means. My step-dad corrected him. "Soldier Boy." "Nah, it's Soulja Boy." My step-dad asked how it's spelled. When he heard, he put his head in his hands and said, "It always seems like things are getting better. Then one person sets the whole race back." That's a good point. For every person Obama inspires, Soulja Boy retardifies another.
Section 6
This is weird, but I like the phrase "bedside manner." I don't want it to be the first thing that people say about me, but I would like for it to be second or third. What's Ryan like? "He's unbelievable at Madden. He can make an omelette that will make you smack your mama (another phrase that I love). And he has great bedside manner.
I just like it. It's an intangible. Like when you're watching a basketball game and the announcer says, "The things he does don't show up in the box score. He leaves it all on the floor."
Section 7
I may have already written about this. I don't care. I'm doing it again. I was in Dunkin' Donuts, and overheard an old man say, "Man, he's got some dick... It's like he won the lottery or something." I assume that I misunderstood him. But I will never acknowledge that.
Section 1 - Brother Update
Section 2 - Dancing with the Stars
Section 3 - Taco Bell's bad decisions
Section 4 - Proof the Detroit is the worst city in the USA
Section 5 - The ignorance of youth
Section 6 - Bedside Manner
Section 7 - I can't understand old guys.
Section 1
The previous update on my brother, Dong, was optimistic. We believed he would be released immediately. That was not the case. I have recently found out that his case worker (the person responsible for his arrest, and who has the power to release him) hasn't worked since Dong was arrested.
Now we're three weeks in. Dong was in a holding cell with 11 other people who were in the exact same situation, except from other countries. They have now been deported, because they didn't have Green Cards. Since the previous update, ICE has sent Dong's Green Card to him. He's on path to citizenship. However, on Thursday, instead of being sent home, he was moved to a real prison, with criminals, and I suppose masterminds. More criminals than masterminds, I'm guessing.
This is starting to get annoying. Every member of congress that we've spoken to has told us they would help if they could, but because the Justice Department has custody of him, their arms are tied. Checks and balances. One would think that if they're going to observe that part of the Constitution, the part about due process could be observed as well.
Section 2
Tonight, I watched Dancing with the Stars. Not by choice. It annoys me that shows like this exist for two reasons. First, there are plenty of great scripts that can be made into TV series. I wrote four of them. And secondly, because it glorifies dancing. Why don't we make a show called Gang-banging with the Stars while we're at it? That's what I liken dancing to. It's a silly, arbitrary act that harms society.
Think about how arbitrary it is. What is the correlation between music and jumping/running/shimmying around? None. People say, "The music makes me want to dance. You just don't appreciate it. That's why you don't dance." No. I do appreciate it. The music makes me want to listen. That's what it's designed for. Sounds are made for listening. Food doesn't make me want to run. It makes me want to eat.
And my allegation of harming society wasn't really serious. But it does encourage people to suck at conversation. In college, every time I met a girl at a bar or party and she tried to get me to dance, I asked if we could just have a conversation. Nine times out of 10, they didn't understand why I would prefer that to arbitrarily moving to music. And nine times out of 10, the relationship ended there.
God, I fucking hate dancing.
I actually just finished a script on Friday in which about eight pages is dedicated to how much I hate dancing. Then I had to watch the show tonight. That's like making the Pope perform an abortion.
I watched the show with my girlfriend. Everything else about her is awesome. She just happens to like one show that I think is almost as bad as MTV's Wild-N-Out. She watched the NCAA tournament with me all weekend. Fair trade.
Luckily, we only watched the first hour, then switched to a PBS documentary on the Iraq and Afghanistan wars. During the hour, I was entertained while people weren't dancing. Every time they showed Adam Corolla, I laughed. He's really funny, and I think he must have lost a bet. I can't see him agreeing to do the show otherwise. He also called one of the judges a "bitch" last week. That's gangsta. That's gully.
Steve Gutenberg was on the show. Yes, Mahoney. Mahoney kept saying corny things, but I insisted he was joking, while trying to sleep with his instructor. I'm still pretty sure he slept with his instructor, and her mom. Long story. However, I now know he wasn't joking when he was being corny. After the judges gave their negative critiques, he responded that he's still having a great time and "This show makes the world a better place." He went on to say it again. He was serious. How? How does this show make the world a better place? It's mindless entertainment. There's nothing wrong with mindless entertainment in moderation, but it's not feeding refugees and giving people health insurance. And it's not keeping the Pope from performing all those abortions. What? How is it improving the world, Mahoney? Mahoney!!!
I agree with Ricky Gervais about the nature of these shows. He made an impassioned speech in the Extras special that sums up celebrity shows essentially as an aide to the downfall of culture. And here it is.
The show features a British judge. Sounds similar to another show that also makes the world a better place. He is also jeered by the audience, much like Simon Cowell. What makes the jeering funnier than Cowell's is the fact that no one in the crowd knows anything about ballroom dancing, but they act like they do. There's no way they do. Only like 10 people in the world do. The old British guy is one of him. But people booed when he told Penn Jillette that his footwork was shoddy. People booed as if they had any idea of the difference between a good quick-step and a bad quick-step. I watched and I don't really understand how a quick-step differed from the other dances, or why anyone would want to do any of them.
Section 3
Taco Bell needs to hire a new ad firm. Last year, they coined my favorite stupid term of the past few years; "Fourth Meal." It's so stupid that I use it all the time. Never in reference to Taco Bell though.
I started a boycott of Taco Bell almost four years ago when they towed my car for no reason. Eventually I gave in to the glory of the Chicken Mexi-Melt. Fourth Meal reinstated the boycott. Now I say the phrase as a joke to friends. Someone asks if I'm hungry. I reply, "I could really go for some Fourth Meal." They laugh. I laugh. We have a good time. Then we have fourth meal.
Now Taco Bell has a commercial, touting the "Melty cheese" in their newest creation. Melty? The word is "melted." It's a real word and it means what they want it to mean. No need to invent new words. I'm picturing a creative team sitting around, saying, "We need to make up a word that describes the process that occurs when something is heated until it changes shape." Melted? "That's gay. Nope." Umm, melty? "Perfect."
Melty sounds like a 5-year-old is running their creative department. "Try our tacos, with yummy-yummy-in-my-tummy lettuce, and yucky-yuck onions."
It reminds me of a Discovery show I saw on Budweiser Breweries. I swear a 5-year-old wrote the script. At one point, the narrator said, "Meanwhile, back at the brewery, it was nervous time." Nervous time? Really? This happened during the writers' strike. Maybe that's the cause. 5-year-old scabs.
Section 4
I have been firm in my belief that Detroit is the worst city in the country for a number of years. Since making that first declaration, I have since been to Baltimore, Jacksonville, Newark and Pittsburgh. None are even close to Detroit. I have a new piece of evidence. I was watching a Pistons game on the motion picture box, when they cut to the rafters. There's a number 10 hanging in the rafters, retired, with the name Bon Jovi written on it. The city has created a banner in Bon Jovi's honor, and assigned it a number. If they actually were retiring Bon Jovi, they would be the greatest city on Earth. But that's not what they were doing. They're only encouraging him.
Section 5
I went to the Philadelphia Museum of Art. There was a group of eight or nine 9th-10th graders there. When in line behind them, they kept saying, loudly, in line at an art museum, "Air-born." They said it in the cadence that a thug like you or I would say, "West-Side." They also did a gang sign that looked like 3M. Poor name choice. 3M is already taken by the creators of Post-Its and Scotchguard. Not gangsta. Also while in line, they sang popular R+B songs. That was delightful. However not as delightful as when one girl proclaimed, "They's a Chinese girl dat ca' sing good." That's four grammatical errors in an eight word sentence. Astounding.
But the coup de grace occured in a room that housed Van Gogh's and Monet's. They were posing in front of the pictures, as if they were shooting Glamour Shots. At one point, all of them gathered together for a group picture, similar to this, plus two girls in the front, standing back-to-back, making a kissing face at the camera.
The picture isn't the aformentioned coup de grace. That occured directly thereafter. Sandwiched between 20 or so of the world's most famous paintings, the kids started doing the Soulja Boy. My girlfriend and I laughed, as we'd been studying them like Jane Goodall all afternoon, and the study had just climaxed. Everyone else was horrified.
Sidenote: One of my younger brothers was talking about Soulja Boy, whose full name is "Soulja Boy Tell'em," whatever that means. My step-dad corrected him. "Soldier Boy." "Nah, it's Soulja Boy." My step-dad asked how it's spelled. When he heard, he put his head in his hands and said, "It always seems like things are getting better. Then one person sets the whole race back." That's a good point. For every person Obama inspires, Soulja Boy retardifies another.
Section 6
This is weird, but I like the phrase "bedside manner." I don't want it to be the first thing that people say about me, but I would like for it to be second or third. What's Ryan like? "He's unbelievable at Madden. He can make an omelette that will make you smack your mama (another phrase that I love). And he has great bedside manner.
I just like it. It's an intangible. Like when you're watching a basketball game and the announcer says, "The things he does don't show up in the box score. He leaves it all on the floor."
Section 7
I may have already written about this. I don't care. I'm doing it again. I was in Dunkin' Donuts, and overheard an old man say, "Man, he's got some dick... It's like he won the lottery or something." I assume that I misunderstood him. But I will never acknowledge that.
posted by ryanconnercomedy at 11:47 PM
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