Fox News Casino and Bachelor Party Wrap-Up

-Leave it to a Fox News pundit to purposely call Barrack Obama, "Osama," then when corrected, suggest that we kill both. This is the most reckless thing I have EVER seen on TV. I don't understand how the network can still be taken seriously by so many people.



-The NY Post, which is the Fox News of newspapers had a hilarious back-page headline last week. It's a magazine-style newspaper, so the back is readily visible. It was a picture of Carlos Beltrain, of the Mets, swinging a pink bat, and wearing a pink wristband, in support of breast cancer awareness. The headline: "One in the Pink!" I swear this happened.

I'm now going to lump NY Post editors with Fox News correspondents as people who are awful at covering news, but would be awesome blackjack dealers. If there was a Fox News casino, I wouldn't dream of visiting one of their competitors. Shepherd Smith(news personality whom I would most want to hang out with) would be telling vulgar jokes the whole time, while sneaking shots whenever the pit boss isn't looking. And his signature would be his nicknames for everyone who plays at his tables. I think an accurate sample of nicknames Shepherd Smith would give to people would be: Kangaroo Jack, Choda, Lucky-Nutz, Lights Out, Johnny Danger, Rude Judy, Runaway Ralph, Lenny (Of Mice and Men), Liberace, Chairman Mao, and Chester (the Molestor). And about once every 20 minutes, he would ask, "But seriously, where are the bitches? Cocaine is fun." Then everyone would ask "How is he a prominent news anchor?" And he would respond, "I have no idea," as he sneaks a shot of Jager.

Bill O'Reilly would be the blackjack dealer who thinks he's clearly paid his dues and should be a pit boss by now. Whenever someone stays on 16 while the dealer is showing 10, he would look at every other member of the table and say, "What a dumb son of a bitch!" And the guy would ask what he did wrong. Then O'Reilly would stare him down for about five seconds before muttering, "You disgust me."

Brit Hume would be the pit boss who is next in line to manage the entire casino. He's the type of guy who walks up to people when they're on their break, gooses them in the ribs and says, "Workin' hard, or hardly workin'?... Oh, you dog, you!" As he's walking away, he mumbles to himself, "I need a Scotch. They won't let employees drink the Glenfiddich. It's bullshit." One of the dealers overhears him, but only catches a couple words. He asks what he said. Brit keeps walking, but exclaims, "Play to win!" Then he goes on his Glenfiddich rant again. It's a vicious loop.

I would describe the other anchors, but I'm not sure that there's a market for this.

- I have some more notes from last weekend's bachelor party in the Outer Banks. Unfortunately, I've decided not to post any quotes or recollections from the Luoma Debate, which is part of an annual election my friends and I have between twin friends of ours. Every election day we elect the best Luoma of the year. They reign over Luomastan for the next year. Jim's followers are the Jimocrats. John's are the Johnicans. Some of the funniest things I've ever heard were said during this debate, however Jim and John have jobs that might be compromised by the information being on the Internet. So, you'll only have to imagine what the line, "She's already had twins once," was in reference to. The same goes for, "She asked if I had a condom. I did have a condom."

Only debate remarks: Before the debate started, Jim and John decided to get into wardrobe. Jim put on a golf shirt, tucked it in and slicked his hair back. John put on a red do-rag, with a red pirate skully over it, and sunglasses. Jim's opening remarks were very eloquent and succinct for such a tenacious stutterer. John, on the other hand, reminded everyone that he brought the contraband to the party.

During the drive to the Outer Banks, some people in the back of the rental van decided to drink beer while were driving. In Virginia and North Carolina, it's legal to drink in moving vehicles as long as you aren't driving and cops don't see you. John had to pull over to throw up after two beers. He's 27-years-old.

We stopped at a convenience store outside Norfolk. John bought a red do-rag. In certain parts of the country, the colors red and blue carry more significance than in other parts of the country. This was one of the former parts of the country. I forgot to mention that John is white. He also bought sunglasses with snakes on the earpieces.

When we arrived at the house, owned by Glen's father-in-law, we discovered the hot tub. Jim Luoma and I decided we would hop right in. Meanwhile, John Luoma, forgot swimming trunks. So, he took off his shorts, presenting us with a nice pair of lily-white briefs. Why, we asked. He replied. "I didn't want to look stupid." I still don't understand his reasoning. For the next 20 minutes, seven guys hung out on the deck around the hot tub, occasionally remarking on how gay it was that Jim and I were in the hot tub together. They did this until Jim or myself pointed out that it's much gayer for seven guys to watch us hanging out in a hot tub.

I sent a text to my girlfriend that said, "I just farted on Jim's head. It's officially a party."

The next day at lunch, I noticed that the menu said "bwwf." Someone said, "Hmm, must be a typo." I thought about it for a second and said, "Oh, 'E' is next to 'W' on keyboards." John Luoma asked, "What does that have to do with anything?"
"It's a typo. It's supposed to say beef."
"Oh, I thought you were talking about music," John replied. I don't know what he was talking about.

The restaurant had a sign on the wall that read, "A day in the country is worth a month in town." That's ambiguous. Are they saying that a day in the country is so dreadful that it feels like a month? I don't think that's what they're going for. But that's how it comes across to me.

After lunch, we went to a beach/kite shop. Jim and John disappeared. As I walked up the stairs, I could begin to hear them, not only because they're both nearly deaf, and are always loud, but because they were dressed as pirates and having a sword fight, as children watched. They ended up buying the pirate skullys, two huge pirate ship kites, and two foam swords, just in case.

When we got back to the house, Jim tried to fly the kite by dropping it off the deck. Jim is a member of MENSA, a society of certified geniuses. Physics is not his forte. This is a non-sequitor, but Jim and I have a bet going. He took the MENSA test because of a drunken bet, not because he's a douchebag. He and I made a similar bet. He'll pay for my MENSA test. If I don't get in, I have to wear a shirt that says, "I'm not as smart as Jim Luoma," every time he and I are together for a year. If I get in, Jim has to wear a shirt that says, "Ryan Conner's IQ puts me under the MENSA." Mensa means "table" in Latin. So, the shirt is only funny to Latin speakers. But it's really funny to them. It's a niche shirt.

Back to the bachelor party.

After returning from the kite store, we went to the beach. Some of us got into the 50 degree ocean to boogie-board, in an attempt to re-enact a 1993 movie that was never made. Others played horseshoes. Jim Luoma discovered that his primary talent as a human is throwing horseshoes. He was unbelievable. Ringer after ringer. It's too bad that he lived for 27 years before discovering his talent. And when the time came, his talent was throwing horseshoes. A talent that only comes in handy about once every three years while surrounded by drunk people. Many men have committed suicide for less.

Spanky and I were in the ocean, boogie boarding. This was when I got one of the greatest ideas of our generation. I stood a couple feet from him and asked, "Do you feel that?" Feel what? "I just peed." He lost it. It looked like he was being chased by bees.

Before going out that night, the Luoma's decided their kites needed to be flown. So, they got Glen to drive the van, while they opened the back hatch, sat in it, and flew the kites as they drove down the highway. That's a great idea.

After a long day of bachelor partying, some went back to the house, while others stayed at a bar. John Luoma was the only person who was sloppy. Coincidentally, he was the only one who wanted to get in the hot tub. But he's responsible and made sure he put on his pirate skully first. Jim had to join him in order to make sure that John didn't drown. After returning fromt he bar about two hours later, Jim and John were still in the hot tub. Not safe. I joined them. John's head was wobbling like a bobblehead. After a few minutes of wobbling, John straightened up and said, "You know what? I'm through with the pirate life."