Hookers Don't Wear Khaki
Bullet style, son.
-Signs seen in Jersey City.
"Grey Kitten Found" This sign had no contact info on it. Someone just wanted to let the world know that they acquired a grey kitten for free.
A store called, ".99c Power: Everything .99c or less or more!" I swear this exists. It's two blocks from my apartment. 99 cents, or less, or more. Basically, everything has a price.
-My brother is getting out of jail for sure this week, after over two months of wrongful incarceration. We'll see if the Homeland Security formally apologizes. I have my money on no.
More good news regarding his release. My blog has primarily sucked since he got arrested. This is because of the arrest and the death of two grandparents, and one 10-year-old cousin, which have happened in the past two months. Now I can get back to not sucking.
-I've recently discovered that Tyler Perry is the black Bill Engvall. That isn't a good thing. They both do terrible, vanilla comedy that is stereotypical of their race. Both are painful to watch. I wish that whoever was in charge of making Tyler Perry the black Bill Engvall could have consulted me first. There's plenty of racial inequality out there, but I don't think we needed a black Bill Engvall. I would have just told the media powers that be, "Trust me. You don't want that. As far as race relations go, it will be like Bobby Brown getting arrested every day." Can't we get rid of the white Bill Engvall instead of getting a Bill Engvall to cover other races(Not kill, just remove him from TV)?
-I did a benefit show on Saturday in the West Village, with Jeremy Schachter. It was for a 10-year-old kid who needed a kidney transplant. I don't know how much kidney transplants cost, but hopefully the show helped out. And hopefully while no one was listening to my set, they were instead dropping more and more money into some sort of donation bucket/trough.
I was going to start my set off talking about how everyone should donate all of the money they have, so they don't have to stop at getting the kid a new kidney, and turn him into a full-fledged Robo-Kid. But the kids was present, and I didn't want him to cry.
The back-up plan was to talk about how I once did an AIDS benefit that actually lost money for AIDS. But as soon as I said "AIDS" for the first time, the four people who actually were listening gave me a look like, "Why the hell are you talking about AIDS?" I wasn't. It was about a show. But I see their point. I bailed. If there's a time that you don't want to come across as edgy, it's at a benefit for a kid who needs a new organ.
One awkward thing happened after the show, which was overshadowed by an instance of terrible decision-making.
Awkward:
Before I was left, I wanted to tell the girl/woman (What's the rule on this? At what point do I uniformly say "woman"? She was about my age, and I've always used "woman" for people who are at least six years older than me. Ah, adulthood. So many decisions. So many blog digressions.) thanks, nice meeting her, etc... It was loud when she and I walked toward one another to say bye. To prevent yelling, I leaned toward her. I don't know if it's her custom, or if she thought I was European, but she leaned in for the cheek-kiss-thing, just as I was saying, "Nice meeting you. Thanks for having me on the show." I didn't fully comprehend what was going on. So I leaned back, causing the cheek-kiss-thing to be a complete air-ball. I made her look like an idiot, which in turn made me look like an idiot. I wanted to rectify the situation, and figured that awkward is slightly better than idiotic, so I said, "I wasn't sure what was happening. Let's try that again," and leaned in for another. This time the we both stuck the landing. So awkward, but I'm not sure how else to resolve that situation. I was never properly versed in the cheek-kiss-thing. I've spent about 9-10 weeks in Europe, and avoided it entirely. I don't think you're actually supposed to make contact. It's more like you kiss the air beside their face. Not sure what the point of that is. Is it like playing chicken? But sometimes it's full-contact, which really throws me for a loop. Can we just decide how this is going to work in the future? Readers: If you're a cheek-kisser, before you do it, tell the person you're going to be doing it to. And let them know if you're going for face or air. Otherwise, expect an awkward encounter that will be your fault.
Terrible Decision-Making:
There was a raffle. One of the prizes was a laptop. The guy who won gave it to the kid. That's the type of thing that makes everyone think, "What a nice guy!" However, as I walked out of the place, all I could think was, "What an idiot!" The kid is 10. You could have had a free computer.
1) Why does a kid need a computer that's separate from his family's computer? You're just going to ease him into porn sooner.
2) Why would portability ever be an issue for a 10-year-old kid? Is he going to go on a business vacation?
In conclusion, it's nice to give things to sick kids, but dumb to give laptops to kids.
-It's true! USA Swimming has released a study, which concludes that 58% of black children can't swim, just like the comics on BET said. Now when you're watching Comic View, instead of laughing, or calling the comic a hack when he makes a joke about black people not being able to swim, you can just say, "Good point. I see he looked at the data for this one." Comic View is so bad and admittedly generic that they'll have a 10-minute segment in which every comic is talking about this subject. I've seen it happen.
I want to know who actually conducted the survey for USA Swimming. That's the funniest part to me - that they actually thought, "It's time to crunch the numbers on this! Some mysteries need to be solved." The study was probably done by the Trivial Poll Division of Gallup. They're on the corner of Gallup's campus, in a trailer, with felt posters on the walls. They poll things like minority swimming rates, favorite shapes of pasta and where's the beef? And I want to work there.
- John McCain is being accused of calling his wife a cunt in public. He denies it. Witnesses claim he said, "At least I don't plaster on the make-up like a trollop, you cunt." Do we really want someone who talks like that to be president? I don't think anyone has used 'trollop' as a synonym for 'prostitute' since Dickens. Do we really want someone who uses 19th Century hooker references to be president? We call them 'streetwalkers' and 'harlots' here in the 40s.
-At a McDonald's in Elizabeth, NJ, the single cheeseburger and double cheeseburger are the same price. What went wrong? How did the people of McDonald's let this happen. One is double the other. How could more than one person think they should be the same price? When I pointed this out to the cashier, he just started laughing. He didn't understand it either. He should be a candidate for management, because the current manager thinks that 1 and 2 are the same thing.
-There are signs in Port Authority (NYC Bus Terminal) that read "Bus Daparts Gate ___." Da-parts. That is on dozens of signs, in probably the most elitist city in the world. Hilarious.
-Signs seen in Jersey City.
"Grey Kitten Found" This sign had no contact info on it. Someone just wanted to let the world know that they acquired a grey kitten for free.
A store called, ".99c Power: Everything .99c or less or more!" I swear this exists. It's two blocks from my apartment. 99 cents, or less, or more. Basically, everything has a price.
-My brother is getting out of jail for sure this week, after over two months of wrongful incarceration. We'll see if the Homeland Security formally apologizes. I have my money on no.
More good news regarding his release. My blog has primarily sucked since he got arrested. This is because of the arrest and the death of two grandparents, and one 10-year-old cousin, which have happened in the past two months. Now I can get back to not sucking.
-I've recently discovered that Tyler Perry is the black Bill Engvall. That isn't a good thing. They both do terrible, vanilla comedy that is stereotypical of their race. Both are painful to watch. I wish that whoever was in charge of making Tyler Perry the black Bill Engvall could have consulted me first. There's plenty of racial inequality out there, but I don't think we needed a black Bill Engvall. I would have just told the media powers that be, "Trust me. You don't want that. As far as race relations go, it will be like Bobby Brown getting arrested every day." Can't we get rid of the white Bill Engvall instead of getting a Bill Engvall to cover other races(Not kill, just remove him from TV)?
-I did a benefit show on Saturday in the West Village, with Jeremy Schachter. It was for a 10-year-old kid who needed a kidney transplant. I don't know how much kidney transplants cost, but hopefully the show helped out. And hopefully while no one was listening to my set, they were instead dropping more and more money into some sort of donation bucket/trough.
I was going to start my set off talking about how everyone should donate all of the money they have, so they don't have to stop at getting the kid a new kidney, and turn him into a full-fledged Robo-Kid. But the kids was present, and I didn't want him to cry.
The back-up plan was to talk about how I once did an AIDS benefit that actually lost money for AIDS. But as soon as I said "AIDS" for the first time, the four people who actually were listening gave me a look like, "Why the hell are you talking about AIDS?" I wasn't. It was about a show. But I see their point. I bailed. If there's a time that you don't want to come across as edgy, it's at a benefit for a kid who needs a new organ.
One awkward thing happened after the show, which was overshadowed by an instance of terrible decision-making.
Awkward:
Before I was left, I wanted to tell the girl/woman (What's the rule on this? At what point do I uniformly say "woman"? She was about my age, and I've always used "woman" for people who are at least six years older than me. Ah, adulthood. So many decisions. So many blog digressions.) thanks, nice meeting her, etc... It was loud when she and I walked toward one another to say bye. To prevent yelling, I leaned toward her. I don't know if it's her custom, or if she thought I was European, but she leaned in for the cheek-kiss-thing, just as I was saying, "Nice meeting you. Thanks for having me on the show." I didn't fully comprehend what was going on. So I leaned back, causing the cheek-kiss-thing to be a complete air-ball. I made her look like an idiot, which in turn made me look like an idiot. I wanted to rectify the situation, and figured that awkward is slightly better than idiotic, so I said, "I wasn't sure what was happening. Let's try that again," and leaned in for another. This time the we both stuck the landing. So awkward, but I'm not sure how else to resolve that situation. I was never properly versed in the cheek-kiss-thing. I've spent about 9-10 weeks in Europe, and avoided it entirely. I don't think you're actually supposed to make contact. It's more like you kiss the air beside their face. Not sure what the point of that is. Is it like playing chicken? But sometimes it's full-contact, which really throws me for a loop. Can we just decide how this is going to work in the future? Readers: If you're a cheek-kisser, before you do it, tell the person you're going to be doing it to. And let them know if you're going for face or air. Otherwise, expect an awkward encounter that will be your fault.
Terrible Decision-Making:
There was a raffle. One of the prizes was a laptop. The guy who won gave it to the kid. That's the type of thing that makes everyone think, "What a nice guy!" However, as I walked out of the place, all I could think was, "What an idiot!" The kid is 10. You could have had a free computer.
1) Why does a kid need a computer that's separate from his family's computer? You're just going to ease him into porn sooner.
2) Why would portability ever be an issue for a 10-year-old kid? Is he going to go on a business vacation?
In conclusion, it's nice to give things to sick kids, but dumb to give laptops to kids.
-It's true! USA Swimming has released a study, which concludes that 58% of black children can't swim, just like the comics on BET said. Now when you're watching Comic View, instead of laughing, or calling the comic a hack when he makes a joke about black people not being able to swim, you can just say, "Good point. I see he looked at the data for this one." Comic View is so bad and admittedly generic that they'll have a 10-minute segment in which every comic is talking about this subject. I've seen it happen.
I want to know who actually conducted the survey for USA Swimming. That's the funniest part to me - that they actually thought, "It's time to crunch the numbers on this! Some mysteries need to be solved." The study was probably done by the Trivial Poll Division of Gallup. They're on the corner of Gallup's campus, in a trailer, with felt posters on the walls. They poll things like minority swimming rates, favorite shapes of pasta and where's the beef? And I want to work there.
- John McCain is being accused of calling his wife a cunt in public. He denies it. Witnesses claim he said, "At least I don't plaster on the make-up like a trollop, you cunt." Do we really want someone who talks like that to be president? I don't think anyone has used 'trollop' as a synonym for 'prostitute' since Dickens. Do we really want someone who uses 19th Century hooker references to be president? We call them 'streetwalkers' and 'harlots' here in the 40s.
-At a McDonald's in Elizabeth, NJ, the single cheeseburger and double cheeseburger are the same price. What went wrong? How did the people of McDonald's let this happen. One is double the other. How could more than one person think they should be the same price? When I pointed this out to the cashier, he just started laughing. He didn't understand it either. He should be a candidate for management, because the current manager thinks that 1 and 2 are the same thing.
-There are signs in Port Authority (NYC Bus Terminal) that read "Bus Daparts Gate ___." Da-parts. That is on dozens of signs, in probably the most elitist city in the world. Hilarious.
posted by ryanconnercomedy at 1:28 AM
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