Hot (something). Summer in the city. (Something something something something) girls are (something).
-I saw a hipster on the subway with a "backpack" that was a wicker trashcan, tied to his back. This was the most pathetic thing I've ever seen a hipster do. And I send at least one text message per day that says something along the lines of "I hate hipsters more than Nazis." Not more than Nazis hate hipsters, but I hate hipsters more than I hate Nazis. And I really hate Nazis, more than anything except hipsters. Why the wicker trashcan as a backpack? Is that comfortable? It's like the hipsters who ride bikes like the one from Pee-Wee's Big Adventure. Do they not know that bikes have come a long way since then? The new ones have gears and weigh less than 200 pounds. God, I hate hipsters. "I just got a Commodore 64. It's so rad." That's going to be the next hipster trend. They'll move away from Macs (the only corporate thing that they tolerate, and even embrace), and onto a computer that barely classifies as a computer. "Dude, check out this phone I have. When you want to call someone, you connect a series of wires on a switchboard." Fuck you, hipster. You suck at life. Maybe the wicker trashbackcanpack was supposed to be a metaphor for the porous, illogical hipster brain. That's what I'm going with.
-Went to my cousin's wedding in VA on Saturday. It was in the chapel in Ft. Belvoir, an Army base. The wedding and reception were very nice. One very funny note though. The chapel isn't religion specific, as they hold services for many religions there. So, behind the altar is a giant stained-glass window of whom? Jesus? No. David? No. Mohammed? No. Buddha? Nope. Vishnu? Not a chance. George Washington? Check. It's hilarious. George Washington, kneeling, hands clasped, in his Revolutionary War garb. Awesome. We can't all agree on a god, but can all agree that George Washington... is on a stained-glass window in a chapel.
Also, I started laughing a little during the ceremony because I thought one of the groomsmen had fallen asleep. Then I realized that people close their eyes when they're praying.
Other funny thing... My dad is a weird combo of former hippie and libertarian. Some hippies claim to be libertarian because they want marijuana legalized, but that's the extent of their libertarianism. At dinner, my step-mom said, "Your dad is the only person I've ever met who idolizes John Lennon and Richard Nixon." Good point. That's probably rare, as they are diametrically opposed. John Lennon actually has a song about Nixon. It's not flattering. This is how much my dad likes John Lennon:
He has forgotten my birthday every year. My birth-date is December 17, 1980. He calls me on December 19 every year to tell me happy birthday. This is because I was due on Christmas, but my parents didn't want to cause any confusion. So they scheduled a C-Section for December 19. Then it was moved to December 17. He essentially calls to wish me a happy original appointment time. I told him at the wedding reception, "Just remember that it's eight days after John Lennon was killed." And as if the date is as obvious as July 4, my dad corrected me, "He was killed on the 8th, not the 9th." Everyone laughed at the fact that he knew that, but couldn't remember my birthday. He clarified by saying, "Well, I had to miss work for... both. I missed work for both." Then we started trying to come up with mnemonic devices to help him remember. I don't think they'll work.
I asked if most people missed work when Lennon was killed. He said, "Everyone I knew did." Then I asked if it was the same when Hendrix and Jim Morrison died. My uncle, who as a teenager painted a mural in my grandma's house(without permission) of Jimi's "Axis: Bold as Love" album cover, responded, "When Jimi died, no one missed work. It was just [fake inhalation], 'Man, Jimi died,' [then faked passing a joint to my step-mom]." My brothers and I weren't sure if we could laugh. It was very American Beauty/Half-Baked. If you don't know the scenes, watch the movies.
-I watched Dumb & Dumber for the 100th time last night. It has to be the funniest movie ever made. "Tell her I have a rapist's wit. I'll be over here putting out the vibe." Come on, it doesn't get funnier than that. Last night, I was able to read Seabass' hat for the first time. It says, "Wine 'em, Dine 'em, Sixty-Nine 'em." I hope that hat was actually for sale in stores at some point.
- Whenever I sign for a credit card purchase on a digital pad, instead of writing my name, I write, "Fart," in hopes that the cashier will say something, and I'll have to convince them that it's how I sign my name. Last night, I found out that my girlfriend signs hers, "Butt." If that's not a sign, I don't know what is.
-Went to my cousin's wedding in VA on Saturday. It was in the chapel in Ft. Belvoir, an Army base. The wedding and reception were very nice. One very funny note though. The chapel isn't religion specific, as they hold services for many religions there. So, behind the altar is a giant stained-glass window of whom? Jesus? No. David? No. Mohammed? No. Buddha? Nope. Vishnu? Not a chance. George Washington? Check. It's hilarious. George Washington, kneeling, hands clasped, in his Revolutionary War garb. Awesome. We can't all agree on a god, but can all agree that George Washington... is on a stained-glass window in a chapel.
Also, I started laughing a little during the ceremony because I thought one of the groomsmen had fallen asleep. Then I realized that people close their eyes when they're praying.
Other funny thing... My dad is a weird combo of former hippie and libertarian. Some hippies claim to be libertarian because they want marijuana legalized, but that's the extent of their libertarianism. At dinner, my step-mom said, "Your dad is the only person I've ever met who idolizes John Lennon and Richard Nixon." Good point. That's probably rare, as they are diametrically opposed. John Lennon actually has a song about Nixon. It's not flattering. This is how much my dad likes John Lennon:
He has forgotten my birthday every year. My birth-date is December 17, 1980. He calls me on December 19 every year to tell me happy birthday. This is because I was due on Christmas, but my parents didn't want to cause any confusion. So they scheduled a C-Section for December 19. Then it was moved to December 17. He essentially calls to wish me a happy original appointment time. I told him at the wedding reception, "Just remember that it's eight days after John Lennon was killed." And as if the date is as obvious as July 4, my dad corrected me, "He was killed on the 8th, not the 9th." Everyone laughed at the fact that he knew that, but couldn't remember my birthday. He clarified by saying, "Well, I had to miss work for... both. I missed work for both." Then we started trying to come up with mnemonic devices to help him remember. I don't think they'll work.
I asked if most people missed work when Lennon was killed. He said, "Everyone I knew did." Then I asked if it was the same when Hendrix and Jim Morrison died. My uncle, who as a teenager painted a mural in my grandma's house(without permission) of Jimi's "Axis: Bold as Love" album cover, responded, "When Jimi died, no one missed work. It was just [fake inhalation], 'Man, Jimi died,' [then faked passing a joint to my step-mom]." My brothers and I weren't sure if we could laugh. It was very American Beauty/Half-Baked. If you don't know the scenes, watch the movies.
-I watched Dumb & Dumber for the 100th time last night. It has to be the funniest movie ever made. "Tell her I have a rapist's wit. I'll be over here putting out the vibe." Come on, it doesn't get funnier than that. Last night, I was able to read Seabass' hat for the first time. It says, "Wine 'em, Dine 'em, Sixty-Nine 'em." I hope that hat was actually for sale in stores at some point.
- Whenever I sign for a credit card purchase on a digital pad, instead of writing my name, I write, "Fart," in hopes that the cashier will say something, and I'll have to convince them that it's how I sign my name. Last night, I found out that my girlfriend signs hers, "Butt." If that's not a sign, I don't know what is.
posted by ryanconnercomedy at 1:04 PM
1 Comments:
I've seen "Wine 'Em, Dine 'Em, 69 'Em" in several truck stop gas stations along the I-85 corridor. It's funny.
Post a Comment
<< Home