Slippery Shoes... Why?
-Ghost and Bubba (Quincy(roommate) and I(Ryan Conner(the comedian))) of Crucial Element recorded a new song last night - blazing the freshness, as always. I could probably sell that phrase - blazing the freshness - to every radio station in the country. Anyway, the song is called "Odrama." It Crucial Element's ignorant endorsement of Barack Obama. We both think it's the funniest CE song yet. All I'll tell you is that the first two words are "Crip walkin'." I'll post a link when it's up.
-I had to get a long-term temp job, due to colleges not doing shows in the summer. The job itself is cool. Adjusting to working during the day after two years of not working is the hard part. It's a good reminder to work hard at comedy though.
When I was in college, I really enjoyed the lifestyle. Everyone does. But I think I liked it a little more. Because my goal then was to retain the college lifestyle (pizza 7 days per week and everything), without having to go to class or do any actual work. In comedy, I figured out how to do that. Now I have to work for a few months to remind myself of how great it is to be in college without taking classes.
I had to buy work clothes, because I don't normally dress fancy. I also got a haircut. It was with a new hair guy. There was a misunderstanding. Now I have very short hair. I bought nice shoes. Not temp shoes. These are permanent staff shoes. They're Johnston and Murphy. They have a major downside though. They're 100 percent leather, including the outsoles, which makes them slippery as shit. I slipped on a fucking sidewalk. How does that happen? Sidewalks have more traction than anything on Earth. I'd put a sidewalk up against duct tape any day. I can't figure out why they would make the soles slippery on purpose. At some point, I'm guessing I'll realize, "Oh, that's why they make them slippery - for quick turns. In the corporate world, you have to make a lot of tight 90 degree turns. Of course! Claro que si!" I hope I don't have to run any hook patterns at work, or will break my ass.
My bosses' title has the acronym MIL. But that's a foreign acronym to me. I'll let you know the first time I slip up and refer to them as MILFs. I can't see it not happening. One has been in my vocabulary for years, while the other is new. It's like when Bo and Luke's cousins took over on Dukes of Hazzard. I still called them Bo and Luke. the concept of the show being about their cousins was too foreign to me.
Speaking of Dukes of Hazzard, Tom Wopat (Luke) is on Broadway, starring in A Catered Affair, a show that looks very gay, even by Broadway standards. Look at what these boys have gotten themselves into this time... Gya, gya, gya...
- Continuing the perpetual theme of my blog, that Jersey City is the new hell, I saw something really ignorant again today. First, the most ignorant thing, other than "99 cent Power: Everything 99 cents or Less or More," is some graffiti that I often pass. In huge letters, someone proclaimed "PUAL SUCKS COCK!" I guess someone told this person that Paul is spelled slightly differently from what he and his spray-paint decided on. So he decided to make up for the typo. But how? He's already used his go-to-phrase "____ sucks cock!" I guess he decided to improvise. Great idea. He went with, "PAUL TAKES IT IN THE REAR. NOT IN THE EAR." A few things here: always gay jokes with this guy; less umph with this one - he went with periods this time; what would anyone take in the rear? Wouldn't it be worse if someone took it in the ear? This is almost a compliment; and finally, this has been on display in a very public place for at least a year. Kudos to Jersey City for leaving it up. Jersey City, I always believed in you.
Today's morsel of ignorance was a paper bag, on which someone had written "Free Stuff." In one of the cleverest moves of the century, someone crossed that out and wrote "Suck my dick." If you need to take a break for laughter, I understand. Get a drink of water while you're at it. "Suck my dick"... priceless. The thing that made it sadder was that this bag wasn't even on display anywhere. It was laying in the gutter. And it looked like the revision was made post-gutter-arrival. Jersey City... Soak it in.
-Anyone who whistles for a cab should be sent to movieland or mocked constantly. About 5% of white men in suits do this, as if they're in a Frank Capra movie. The whistle is slightly worse than yelling "Taxi!" It's loud. They can't hear you. Put your arm up, like a human.
- I went to a Wawa in Bellmawr, NJ. First, I think we need to add a vowel to the name of the town. A 'w' next to an 'r' is unacceptable. They had a sign which read, "Newports $5.61 - Lowest Price Allowed by Law." Why is there a law that regulates cigarette prices? I didn't know NJ was a communist state. I don't know what else to write about this. But I think we can all agree that it's a funny sign.
- After one of my shows at Helium last weekend, I went to a bar in the Iladelph with my girlfriend and some of her friends. While there, we saw a middle-aged couple wearing matching t-shirts. The front said "The world will never be the same..." The back said, "Now that Kyle is 21." Kyle has changed the world. I always knew he could do it. All it took was that birthday. He was holding back for a while. But not now. Bam!
Even if Kyle didn't really change the world, except in a Butterfly Effect kind of way, I bet his life will never be the same, after his self-confidence plummeted from going to a bar on his 21st birthday with his parents, who wore shirts dedicated to his birthday, while also making it clear that Kyle has approximately zero friends.
-I had to get a long-term temp job, due to colleges not doing shows in the summer. The job itself is cool. Adjusting to working during the day after two years of not working is the hard part. It's a good reminder to work hard at comedy though.
When I was in college, I really enjoyed the lifestyle. Everyone does. But I think I liked it a little more. Because my goal then was to retain the college lifestyle (pizza 7 days per week and everything), without having to go to class or do any actual work. In comedy, I figured out how to do that. Now I have to work for a few months to remind myself of how great it is to be in college without taking classes.
I had to buy work clothes, because I don't normally dress fancy. I also got a haircut. It was with a new hair guy. There was a misunderstanding. Now I have very short hair. I bought nice shoes. Not temp shoes. These are permanent staff shoes. They're Johnston and Murphy. They have a major downside though. They're 100 percent leather, including the outsoles, which makes them slippery as shit. I slipped on a fucking sidewalk. How does that happen? Sidewalks have more traction than anything on Earth. I'd put a sidewalk up against duct tape any day. I can't figure out why they would make the soles slippery on purpose. At some point, I'm guessing I'll realize, "Oh, that's why they make them slippery - for quick turns. In the corporate world, you have to make a lot of tight 90 degree turns. Of course! Claro que si!" I hope I don't have to run any hook patterns at work, or will break my ass.
My bosses' title has the acronym MIL. But that's a foreign acronym to me. I'll let you know the first time I slip up and refer to them as MILFs. I can't see it not happening. One has been in my vocabulary for years, while the other is new. It's like when Bo and Luke's cousins took over on Dukes of Hazzard. I still called them Bo and Luke. the concept of the show being about their cousins was too foreign to me.
Speaking of Dukes of Hazzard, Tom Wopat (Luke) is on Broadway, starring in A Catered Affair, a show that looks very gay, even by Broadway standards. Look at what these boys have gotten themselves into this time... Gya, gya, gya...
- Continuing the perpetual theme of my blog, that Jersey City is the new hell, I saw something really ignorant again today. First, the most ignorant thing, other than "99 cent Power: Everything 99 cents or Less or More," is some graffiti that I often pass. In huge letters, someone proclaimed "PUAL SUCKS COCK!" I guess someone told this person that Paul is spelled slightly differently from what he and his spray-paint decided on. So he decided to make up for the typo. But how? He's already used his go-to-phrase "____ sucks cock!" I guess he decided to improvise. Great idea. He went with, "PAUL TAKES IT IN THE REAR. NOT IN THE EAR." A few things here: always gay jokes with this guy; less umph with this one - he went with periods this time; what would anyone take in the rear? Wouldn't it be worse if someone took it in the ear? This is almost a compliment; and finally, this has been on display in a very public place for at least a year. Kudos to Jersey City for leaving it up. Jersey City, I always believed in you.
Today's morsel of ignorance was a paper bag, on which someone had written "Free Stuff." In one of the cleverest moves of the century, someone crossed that out and wrote "Suck my dick." If you need to take a break for laughter, I understand. Get a drink of water while you're at it. "Suck my dick"... priceless. The thing that made it sadder was that this bag wasn't even on display anywhere. It was laying in the gutter. And it looked like the revision was made post-gutter-arrival. Jersey City... Soak it in.
-Anyone who whistles for a cab should be sent to movieland or mocked constantly. About 5% of white men in suits do this, as if they're in a Frank Capra movie. The whistle is slightly worse than yelling "Taxi!" It's loud. They can't hear you. Put your arm up, like a human.
- I went to a Wawa in Bellmawr, NJ. First, I think we need to add a vowel to the name of the town. A 'w' next to an 'r' is unacceptable. They had a sign which read, "Newports $5.61 - Lowest Price Allowed by Law." Why is there a law that regulates cigarette prices? I didn't know NJ was a communist state. I don't know what else to write about this. But I think we can all agree that it's a funny sign.
- After one of my shows at Helium last weekend, I went to a bar in the Iladelph with my girlfriend and some of her friends. While there, we saw a middle-aged couple wearing matching t-shirts. The front said "The world will never be the same..." The back said, "Now that Kyle is 21." Kyle has changed the world. I always knew he could do it. All it took was that birthday. He was holding back for a while. But not now. Bam!
Even if Kyle didn't really change the world, except in a Butterfly Effect kind of way, I bet his life will never be the same, after his self-confidence plummeted from going to a bar on his 21st birthday with his parents, who wore shirts dedicated to his birthday, while also making it clear that Kyle has approximately zero friends.
posted by ryanconnercomedy at 10:17 AM
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