Go Green, but not like that.

-Okay, I'm very environmentally conscious. However, the next time I see someone wearing a shirt that says "Go Green," or "I'm Organic," I'm going to walk up to them and shake them like bad people shake babies. This is about as low as it gets on the marketing integrity scale. Recycling and conservation are just things you do because otherwise you're wasting resources. It's not meant to be a fad, trend, marketing tool, bragging point or t-shirt slogan. But, of course assholes are using the idea of conservation to make money, while morons are buying the shirts. I don't know if a portion of the proceeds from these shirts goes to a cause. Even if it does, who cares. Environmental groups do nothing but make the general public think that if you care about the environment, then you're an annoying, hippy. That's because environmental groups tend to be run by annoying, hippies. The more money and visibility that they have, the worse-off their issue is.

Anyone want to get on board with an idea I have to make shirts that say, "Just Say No to AIDS!"? I think it will be a big seller. AIDS is so hot this summer. We'll even make gym-shorts that say "I got my T-Cells" on the ass. I think we can make a shit load of money by exploiting a serious problem. Come on, who's on board?

-On the way to the Jersey Shore over the weekend, I passed a pawn show with a sign in the window that read: "German WWII Memorabilia Wanted!" Um, who do they think they're fooling? I don't think I've ever heard anyone say "German WWII" anything. But why? Oh, that's right, because they were Nazis. People just call them Nazis. Because they're Nazis. As in Nazis. Hitler. Nazis. They are trying to collect Nazi memorabilia. In other words, they want more Nazi memorabilia than they currently have. One would presume this is because they feel that they don't have enough. The question is: How much Nazi memorabilia is enough? Most say "none." This pawn shop says "more." The fact that I thought it was illegal to privately own Nazi memorabilia is just a side-note at this point. I thought it was relegated to museums. The real issue is that New Jersey has a market for Nazi memorabilia. Or, did this pawn shop just severely misread their clientele? I have a feeling it's the latter, which is hilarious. I'm picturing the owner approaching all of the customers, "Nope, we don't have any boom-boxes. Can I interest you in a swastika-emblazoned arm-band? No? Your loss, bro. Your loss. How about a 'geSTAPo! Hammer-Time' t-shirt?"

- Higher CO2 Levels May Be Good for Plants
This is from a conservative news site that I frequent. The problem with the article title is that it insinuates that higher CO2 concentrations might not be bad after all. The other misleading aspect is that we've known that CO2 is "Good for" plants for, I don't know, 100 years? I thought it was pretty much out there that humans exhale CO2 and plants absorb it. Has that info not fully made its way through society? That's like saying, "Higher Oxygen Levels May Be Good for Humans." No shit. The problem is that it's bad for everything but plants, dickface. Who am I calling a dickface? I don't know, but it felt right.

- I've mentioned before that I'm working a temp-job for the summer. We have a lot of conference calls and meetings that are boring, and I'd even say unnecessary. To break the monotony during a meeting last week, I sent my boss an instant-message, while he was speaking, that said, "A/S/L?" I can't think of a funnier thing that could be done in a meeting.

I can't use the guy's real first name for this, because I can't. But someone named Bob Fagot just got promoted to partner in the company. How funny is it that his name is Fagot and his job-title is "Partner"? The answer is "Very Funny, Ryan."

- My roommate and I were in a Rite-Aid in Jersey City (Which was just voted as the 12th worst place in the universe, by the Academy of the Universe). While waiting in line to pay, a kid in front of us, about 6, pleaded to him mom, "Can I get the candy?" The mom stared at him for a half-second and replied in a tone previously only spoken by the villain of Superman 2, Zebulon. "You can get nothing. You can stand right here and get nothing. That's what you can get as you stand here." If you're counting; He can stand right here x2, and he can get nothing x3.

- You aren't supposed to say anything negative about the recently deceased, but it's pretty awesome that Jesse Helms died. To paraphrase someone, although I forgot who said it, he was the last surviving openly, and unapologetic racist member of Congress. The guy supported Apartheid in South Africa, and hated Martin Luther King Jr more than James Earl Ray did. One time, Helms and Ray were hanging out, when Helms made one of his staple remarks about MLK, and Ray replied, "Look, I don't like the guy, but that was just racist. Man... awkward." Moments later, Helms was removed from Ray's Top Friends.
Here's a blog that compiled a list of praise for Helms from conservative media personalities, and Republican members of the government, including President Bush and John McCain. The praise for Helms is followed by a plethora of increasingly offensive statements made by the dickhead over the years. That's right, Jesse Helms was the dickhead from above. The following is one of the most-offensive things he said:
"Appearing on “Larry King Live” in 1995, Jesse Helms, then the senior senator from North Carolina, fielded a call from an unusual admirer. Helms deserved the Nobel Peace Prize, the caller gushed, “for everything you’ve done to help keep down the niggers.” Given the rank ugliness of the sentiment — the guest host, Robert Novak, called it, with considerable understatement, “politically incorrect” — Helms could only pause before responding. But the hesitation couldn’t suppress his gut instincts. “Whoops, well, thank you, I think,” he said."