Hispanic Holes
-I was in my friend John's wedding on Saturday. John Luoma and Jim Luoma are twins whom I mention here pretty frequently. We have an annual election amongst our friends, with a weighted electoral college, to decide which has been the best twin of the year. We do ads, debates and everything. One of our friends is putting together a website for John's campaign this year. Here is the background.
I mentioned John's bachelor party a little over a month ago. Jim and I sat in a hot-tub, while other guys stood around watching us, and claiming that we were gay, not themselves for watching two guys in a hot-tub. Apparently Jim really likes Jacuzzis. Over the weekend, four of our friends stayed in a suite that had a Jacuzzi in the bathroom. But the bathroom wall that held the Jacuzzi opened up, so it was visible to the whole room. Seems like a bad idea because the whole bathroom becomes visible.
As soon as Jim entered the room, which wasn't his, he stripped down to his boxers and got in. He was staying 10 minutes away. I asked if he was staying long. He said, "Just taking a bath and leaving." Glen said, "I wish I didn't just take a shit, or I would drop one right on Jim's stomach right now." You have to understand that there were about 8-10 people hanging out, and one was hanging out in a tub. It was an odd choice for Jim. So I offered, "I can shit. How much for me to shit on the toilet next to him?" I was offered $5, and that's all it took. I walked in and did it. At first, people looked in disbelief. Then they turned their heads, laughing as I shat all the way to the bank.
My girlfriend was offered around $200 to do it, with Glen putting up $100. She declined. It put things in perspective for me though. To them I am a 40:1 favorite over her to shit in toilets that are next to someone in a tub.
-On Monday, Jermaine Fowler and I went to the West 4th St basketball courts (The Cage), to watch a "pro" summer-league game. Most spectators didn't care about who won. We just wanted to see a good game. But the guy in front of us was rooting for one team in the way that really annoying people root for their home-team. He had nothing invested in the team. No friends, or relatives on the team. He just decided that a team that would exist for eight weeks, would be his favorite compilation of anything for those eight weeks.
From the first possession, the guy was yelling, "That's that all day shit. All day shit... That's that water shit. Water shit, right there!" He was yelling. People on all sides of the court were disturbed.
He even tried to argue calls with the refs. "That's a travel, you blind motherfucker. He didn't dribble. What else could it be?... blind motherfucker."
Every time the other team would be in front of him, he would yell, "Watch your back!" In the third quarter, he yelled it while a guy shot and hit a three, right in front of him. As the player was making his way up the court, he calmly asked, "Why do you keep saying that?" The guy lost his mind! I thought someone was going to be killed. He started yelling like a WWF wrestler, "What did you say, motherfucker? Motherfucker, no one fucks with me, 'cause I ain't one to be fucked with. Come over here right now, and I will fuck you up. I ain't no joke..." Then he turned to me and asked if he looked like a joke. I was laughing, because he was a joke, but nodded my head 'no,' in an effort to avoid getting beat up by a joke.
The guy continued, "Come off the court right now, and I will fuck you up. That's okay. Then after the game. I'm gonna hurt yo' ass..." He wouldn't stop. It was awkward. Children were terrified. They will have nightmares for years. I still have nightmares because I saw Thriller when I was two. This will be these kids' Thriller.
A few minutes later, a guy on the other team hit a shot and got fouled. This guy was a former NBA player. Very good. But the crazy guy yelled at him, "You traveled. That's why you suck. You a little bitch. That's what you are." While waiting to take his free-throw, the player turned and said to the guy, "Hey man. What bus do you drive? I'd like to ride it sometime." The guy shot back, "I drive the 36." That insult didn't work. He had to be thinking, what are the odds that you insult someone with a hypothetical and it actually applies? The end-result of the insult was the guy thinking that someone wanted to ride his bus. He probably thought the player was trying to make friendship. To clarify that it wasn't a gesture of goodwill, the player grabbed and swung his nuts in circles, in a wax-on-wax-off fashion, as he made his way down court. I think that sent the message.
Anyway, right after this, Jermaine and I befriended the crazy guy. We talked for the next 15 minutes. He was pretty cool.
Almost forgot, this game was heavily attended by crackheads. At one point, a guy with dreads stood up, and started hopping back and forth, from right foot to left foot, while clapping his hands over his head, and yelling, "Get big! Get big!" He did this for about 10 seconds. It was cute.
-In Texas, a judge and attorney objected to another attorney describing a situation in which paperwork was seemingly dissappearing as a "black hole." The offended claimed it's racist to call something a black hole. They suggested calling it a "white hole." The problem being that white holes don't consume matter, but do the opposite - think of a fire hydrant that has been opened up. I could see a crackhead thinking that black hole is a racist term. But one would think that a judge and attorney had at some point in their lives taken a physics class, or at least avoided being retarded.
This picture illustrates why the metaphor was used. This is a NASA picture of a black hole destroying a star. Badass.
-If you like basketball, or sports stories, here is a great ESPN article about how one Tracy McGrady dunk on a guy in high school changed both of their lives. It turned one into an 18-year-old early NBA draft pick. And it sent the other, with possible the brightest future in that year's high school class, down a spiral that led to his death at the age of 27.
I mentioned John's bachelor party a little over a month ago. Jim and I sat in a hot-tub, while other guys stood around watching us, and claiming that we were gay, not themselves for watching two guys in a hot-tub. Apparently Jim really likes Jacuzzis. Over the weekend, four of our friends stayed in a suite that had a Jacuzzi in the bathroom. But the bathroom wall that held the Jacuzzi opened up, so it was visible to the whole room. Seems like a bad idea because the whole bathroom becomes visible.
As soon as Jim entered the room, which wasn't his, he stripped down to his boxers and got in. He was staying 10 minutes away. I asked if he was staying long. He said, "Just taking a bath and leaving." Glen said, "I wish I didn't just take a shit, or I would drop one right on Jim's stomach right now." You have to understand that there were about 8-10 people hanging out, and one was hanging out in a tub. It was an odd choice for Jim. So I offered, "I can shit. How much for me to shit on the toilet next to him?" I was offered $5, and that's all it took. I walked in and did it. At first, people looked in disbelief. Then they turned their heads, laughing as I shat all the way to the bank.
My girlfriend was offered around $200 to do it, with Glen putting up $100. She declined. It put things in perspective for me though. To them I am a 40:1 favorite over her to shit in toilets that are next to someone in a tub.
-On Monday, Jermaine Fowler and I went to the West 4th St basketball courts (The Cage), to watch a "pro" summer-league game. Most spectators didn't care about who won. We just wanted to see a good game. But the guy in front of us was rooting for one team in the way that really annoying people root for their home-team. He had nothing invested in the team. No friends, or relatives on the team. He just decided that a team that would exist for eight weeks, would be his favorite compilation of anything for those eight weeks.
From the first possession, the guy was yelling, "That's that all day shit. All day shit... That's that water shit. Water shit, right there!" He was yelling. People on all sides of the court were disturbed.
He even tried to argue calls with the refs. "That's a travel, you blind motherfucker. He didn't dribble. What else could it be?... blind motherfucker."
Every time the other team would be in front of him, he would yell, "Watch your back!" In the third quarter, he yelled it while a guy shot and hit a three, right in front of him. As the player was making his way up the court, he calmly asked, "Why do you keep saying that?" The guy lost his mind! I thought someone was going to be killed. He started yelling like a WWF wrestler, "What did you say, motherfucker? Motherfucker, no one fucks with me, 'cause I ain't one to be fucked with. Come over here right now, and I will fuck you up. I ain't no joke..." Then he turned to me and asked if he looked like a joke. I was laughing, because he was a joke, but nodded my head 'no,' in an effort to avoid getting beat up by a joke.
The guy continued, "Come off the court right now, and I will fuck you up. That's okay. Then after the game. I'm gonna hurt yo' ass..." He wouldn't stop. It was awkward. Children were terrified. They will have nightmares for years. I still have nightmares because I saw Thriller when I was two. This will be these kids' Thriller.
A few minutes later, a guy on the other team hit a shot and got fouled. This guy was a former NBA player. Very good. But the crazy guy yelled at him, "You traveled. That's why you suck. You a little bitch. That's what you are." While waiting to take his free-throw, the player turned and said to the guy, "Hey man. What bus do you drive? I'd like to ride it sometime." The guy shot back, "I drive the 36." That insult didn't work. He had to be thinking, what are the odds that you insult someone with a hypothetical and it actually applies? The end-result of the insult was the guy thinking that someone wanted to ride his bus. He probably thought the player was trying to make friendship. To clarify that it wasn't a gesture of goodwill, the player grabbed and swung his nuts in circles, in a wax-on-wax-off fashion, as he made his way down court. I think that sent the message.
Anyway, right after this, Jermaine and I befriended the crazy guy. We talked for the next 15 minutes. He was pretty cool.
Almost forgot, this game was heavily attended by crackheads. At one point, a guy with dreads stood up, and started hopping back and forth, from right foot to left foot, while clapping his hands over his head, and yelling, "Get big! Get big!" He did this for about 10 seconds. It was cute.
-In Texas, a judge and attorney objected to another attorney describing a situation in which paperwork was seemingly dissappearing as a "black hole." The offended claimed it's racist to call something a black hole. They suggested calling it a "white hole." The problem being that white holes don't consume matter, but do the opposite - think of a fire hydrant that has been opened up. I could see a crackhead thinking that black hole is a racist term. But one would think that a judge and attorney had at some point in their lives taken a physics class, or at least avoided being retarded.
This picture illustrates why the metaphor was used. This is a NASA picture of a black hole destroying a star. Badass.
-If you like basketball, or sports stories, here is a great ESPN article about how one Tracy McGrady dunk on a guy in high school changed both of their lives. It turned one into an 18-year-old early NBA draft pick. And it sent the other, with possible the brightest future in that year's high school class, down a spiral that led to his death at the age of 27.
posted by ryanconnercomedy at 9:43 AM
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