Get 'em dirty
- We did a Crucial Element show with Larry Poon, Jay Hastings and Tom Myers over the weekend. In the show, I coined a new term for sex. This doesn't really work if you're a regular guy, and it definitely doesn't work if you're a girl. It pretty much only works for food-court thugs. If you are a food-court thug, and you see a girl in line at Panda Express, and you tell you're friend you're going to talk to her, the friend will respond, "She got an ass."
To that, you will say, "Yo, I'm just trying to get these nuts dirty."
I'm hoping this catches on.
-I've been watching the Olympics non-stop, literally. All day, all night. Gymnastics is/are (what is a gymnastic?) awesome. I say we give them all medals. After every routine, I yell, "That's the best thing I've ever seen. Gold." They're all doing basically the same thing. Give everyone medals. Special Olympics style. The only event I'm not into is rings. I can watch for about 4 minutes, then I'm like, "I get it, you're strong. Now let me see some flips."
-If you have ever played Bar Golf, you are a douche. If you have plans to play in the future, cancel. You will become a douche. You can do the drinking, but if you get dressed up for it, I will hunt you down and pee on you. I'm not going to describe what Bar Golf is, because if you don't already know, you don't want to know.
-My friend, Erin Jackson, is going to be on Ellen next month. That is crazy. Check her out. She's great.
-If you've only done something once in your life, you can't refer to the experience as "Back when I..." It's just "When I..." Throwing in "back" makes it sound like you did it often, and over a long period of time. A friend, whom I won't name, but refer to as "Friend 6" for no particular reason, is what you would refer to as "not athletic." Many of my other friends are, including two who played in a rugby league in college. They invited Friend 6 to play with them. In his first or second practice, he was learning how to be in a scrum, or scrum, or whatever the terminology is. This is what a scrum looks like:
They get in that position, heads down, and push.
Friend 6 did this, and forgot to put his head down. As a result, his head was nearly ripped off, and his rugby career was ended. The career lasted about 4 hours, including the drive to and from practice. I should also note that this happened in 2001. He did something for a few hours, 7 years ago, and he still talks about it. We were hanging out on Friday, and he said, "Reminds me of back when I played rugby..."
I cut him off with a stern, "Shut your fucking mouth." It was the third time he had mentioned it in the past few months.
He was saying that something totally unrelated to rugby and getting your head ripped off reminded him of rugby and getting his head ripped off. He just wanted to remind everyone that at one point in his life, he played a sport for a few minutes. Somehow he forgot that if he wanted to sound tough, he could just say, "Reminds me of when I was fighting in a war in Baghdad..." and we would have been like, 'Oh yeah, Friend 6 isn't a pussy." But instead, he reminds us of his short-lived rugby career, and that we used to play football in college. Every time, we would have him and his brother on opposite teams, marking each other. As soon as the ball was snapped, they would start to wrestle each other, like little girls, until everyone else broke up the fight.
Note: If you want people to think you're tough, mention being a veteran over playing rugby for a few minutes and wrestling your brother.
-I gave blood last week. They were supposed to put a needle in a vein and remove blood. However, they decided to do some exciting extracurricular activities as well, including: PIERCE A TENDON, and STAB MY BICEP!
The result:
That's the beginning of the 8 inch bruise, which is now black.
Just after giving blood, I sent this email to a friend.
I had always been scared to do it. Good reason, I guess. They stabbed a muscle in my arm (not hard to do), and I have a huge knot now. Never mind that. I did it in exchange for two movie passes and an $8 lunch voucher. The reason I'm telling you this is, I was about to walk into the blood room with my supervisor, when I stopped and said, "Shit. I have AIDS. Is that going to be a problem?" He said that's not funny. I said that since I have AIDS, I can make jokes about it, just like amputees can make fun of themselves. He said, "Still not funny." I reminded him who gets paid to be funny.
To that, you will say, "Yo, I'm just trying to get these nuts dirty."
I'm hoping this catches on.
-I've been watching the Olympics non-stop, literally. All day, all night. Gymnastics is/are (what is a gymnastic?) awesome. I say we give them all medals. After every routine, I yell, "That's the best thing I've ever seen. Gold." They're all doing basically the same thing. Give everyone medals. Special Olympics style. The only event I'm not into is rings. I can watch for about 4 minutes, then I'm like, "I get it, you're strong. Now let me see some flips."
-If you have ever played Bar Golf, you are a douche. If you have plans to play in the future, cancel. You will become a douche. You can do the drinking, but if you get dressed up for it, I will hunt you down and pee on you. I'm not going to describe what Bar Golf is, because if you don't already know, you don't want to know.
-My friend, Erin Jackson, is going to be on Ellen next month. That is crazy. Check her out. She's great.
-If you've only done something once in your life, you can't refer to the experience as "Back when I..." It's just "When I..." Throwing in "back" makes it sound like you did it often, and over a long period of time. A friend, whom I won't name, but refer to as "Friend 6" for no particular reason, is what you would refer to as "not athletic." Many of my other friends are, including two who played in a rugby league in college. They invited Friend 6 to play with them. In his first or second practice, he was learning how to be in a scrum, or scrum, or whatever the terminology is. This is what a scrum looks like:
They get in that position, heads down, and push.
Friend 6 did this, and forgot to put his head down. As a result, his head was nearly ripped off, and his rugby career was ended. The career lasted about 4 hours, including the drive to and from practice. I should also note that this happened in 2001. He did something for a few hours, 7 years ago, and he still talks about it. We were hanging out on Friday, and he said, "Reminds me of back when I played rugby..."
I cut him off with a stern, "Shut your fucking mouth." It was the third time he had mentioned it in the past few months.
He was saying that something totally unrelated to rugby and getting your head ripped off reminded him of rugby and getting his head ripped off. He just wanted to remind everyone that at one point in his life, he played a sport for a few minutes. Somehow he forgot that if he wanted to sound tough, he could just say, "Reminds me of when I was fighting in a war in Baghdad..." and we would have been like, 'Oh yeah, Friend 6 isn't a pussy." But instead, he reminds us of his short-lived rugby career, and that we used to play football in college. Every time, we would have him and his brother on opposite teams, marking each other. As soon as the ball was snapped, they would start to wrestle each other, like little girls, until everyone else broke up the fight.
Note: If you want people to think you're tough, mention being a veteran over playing rugby for a few minutes and wrestling your brother.
-I gave blood last week. They were supposed to put a needle in a vein and remove blood. However, they decided to do some exciting extracurricular activities as well, including: PIERCE A TENDON, and STAB MY BICEP!
The result:
That's the beginning of the 8 inch bruise, which is now black.
Just after giving blood, I sent this email to a friend.
I had always been scared to do it. Good reason, I guess. They stabbed a muscle in my arm (not hard to do), and I have a huge knot now. Never mind that. I did it in exchange for two movie passes and an $8 lunch voucher. The reason I'm telling you this is, I was about to walk into the blood room with my supervisor, when I stopped and said, "Shit. I have AIDS. Is that going to be a problem?" He said that's not funny. I said that since I have AIDS, I can make jokes about it, just like amputees can make fun of themselves. He said, "Still not funny." I reminded him who gets paid to be funny.
posted by ryanconnercomedy at 6:32 PM
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