That's So Clayken

-Under the shroud of the current economic meltdown, Clay Aiken has announced that he's gay. Oh boy, was my gaydar off or what? For years, my friends have referenced Clayken as the benchmark for butt-wrangling. It's always, "I'm no Clayken, but I'm still pretty popular with women," or "That pimp thinks he's a Clayken. But he'll never be Clayken," or "I was snatching up butt like Clayken at a church luncheon."

Look at the guy. How is he gay? He's hugging Tyra Banks. She's a woman.

And look at this. Is there something gay about being stylish and suave?

I have a question. If he's gay, then what does that make me? And what about Ruben Studdard? Poor Ruben Studdard.

I just can't believe that Clayken is actually gay. He must be faking it in order to take advantage of all of the civil liberties that are only allowed for gay people, such as not being allowed to get married, not being able to openly serve in the military, and being called a "faggot" by Ann Coulter. 

If he's gay, then how did he just have a baby with a woman? Huh? Riddle me that. He had a baby with a woman. Sure they didn't have sex. He was probably tired. Or stressed out from work. But it was HIS sperm. His sperm. In a vagina. Come on, what's more straight that? I don't even do that. That must make me super-gay. Hey Clayken, want a condom? "Nope. Condoms are for fags. I'm putting my sperm in a vagina. Yipee!" Whoa Clayken, you aren't gay. You can't use that word. Wait, now you are gay? Then what's with the sperm in the woman, the badass poses, and most of all... the turtlenecks?

Okay, no more sarcasm. I'm trying to think of where this ranks in the list of people who came out of the closet publicly even though the public didn't realize the closet existed. There was another recent outing whom I can't remember. If you can think of it, leave it in the comments.  As of now, the rankings are:

1. The Village People - One of the funniest things ever in the universe is the fact that they were in the closet for years, and people just thought they were cool. Nope. Maybe they were cool. But that's not why they dressed the way they did and had sex with other men. They started a new genre of cool: Gay-Cool. I don't even know what I'm talking about now.

2. Elton John - He used to perform in white suits or covered in glitter, depending on the moon. He also wore star-shaped glasses. Huge gayface. People had no idea he was gay until he told them.  This explains why so many people think President Bush was behind 9/11 and we faked the moon landing.

3. One of my brothers - One Christmas, my niece came over to my mom's house. She and my brother were wearing the same boots. He still wasn't out of the closet. He also wore women's clothes for about a year before coming out. He is now in a gay dance troupe (aren't all dance troupes gay?) called Crayola.

4. Boy George - Come on.

5. Clayken - See above.

6. Lance Bass - I really can't believe anyone was surprised by this or the guy from New Kids on the Block. Never be surprised if a member of a boy band ends up being gay. Always assume they are.

-I was just sent a casting notice for someone who can "roller-blade while holding a casket." I would submit for it, but you have to own roller-blades. Here's the thing: How do you find out if you can roller-blade while holding a casket? When has that funeral ever happened, unless there was a funeral on Pacific Blue?