A list of humors

- I heard a song called, "Dropkick Me, Jesus, Through the Goalposts of Life." That's low expectations. If you've got Jesus on your side, why are you going for the field goal? Go for six, loser. I don't care if it's 4th and long. It's Jesus. First, he's probably going to get you an extra five yards with a hard snap count. Then you've got 4th and 9 from the 20. Nobody throws a fade route better than Jesus. Get to your spot and get your hands ready. Field goal? Come on.

-I saw a guy on the PATH train having business conversations at around midnight. There are a few flaws with that sentence. Business at midnight? Calls, not a call? And talking on the phone on the train? You know what this means? He was faking conversations to look important. It was hilarious. During a 10-minute ride, he took about 10 phone calls. Examples...

"Yes, this is me. Are you in the office? Good. Stay there. I'll see you tomorrow."

"You have the documents? Great. You'll have to leave them with my secretary."

"Okay, well I don't think we have a choice. Sell! Sell! Sell!"

Quincy and I gave about three seconds of thought to the question of whether it was funny or sad. We went with funny.

-Yesteray was my last day of working at a day job. High-five, America! Over the past week, they were advertising an upcoming fire drill. I didn't know that such events required or benefited from advertising. Apparently they do. There were huge signs everywhere that said, "Fire! Practice! WHAT HAPPENS NEXT?"

What happens next is everyone goes back inside and thinks, "I'm an adult. Tell me where the stairs are and I'll go outside if there's a fire." I'm going to go ahead and say that the fire drill may be more pointless than the post-9/11 airport security. There's no common sense involved in either. You know how when you turn about 10, you stop eating apple sauce? I think that when people graduate from apple sauce, they should also graduate from fire drills. It's like a double-major for elementary school.

-I drove by a town called Gaylordsville. Was there ever a time in which that wasn't a funny name? 

-Poland Spring has a new water bottle called "AquaPOD." But I think they need a new font, because it actually takes a couple seconds to realize the bottle doesn't say "AquaPOO." AquaPOO is not appetizing.