The Team That Does Not Exist

Every few years a pro sports team moves to another city. Usually people can get used to it because the team will keep their name, have cool uniforms, or not move to a hell-hole.

Past examples:

Minneapolis Lakers move to L.A. - This pissed off the entire mid-west. Not only did they move, but they kept the Lakers name, even though the closest lake to L.A. is probably in Utah. However, the majority couldn't get mad because they kept their name and moved to L.A.

New Orleans Jazz move to Utah - This was a WTF move. They kept the name, even though I'm pretty sure know one in Utah realized that jazz is a type of music. They thought it was the sound the Adam West Batman made when he hit someone. Time passed and people got over it.

Vancouver Grizzlies to Memphis - I know, we'll take a team out of a city where they're losing money and send them to a city where they'll lose even more money. Business 101. The only good thing with this move is that they kept their name. Even though there are no grizzlies within a few thousand miles of Memphis, they had to keep the name. They had to because Vancouver was an expansion team. It takes me, and I think most people, about five years to acknowledge that an expansion team exists. If they changed their name to the Memphis BBQs or something, they would be forgotten.

Charlotte Hornets to New Orleans - I applaud this.

Cleveland Browns to Baltimore - This was brutal. Cleveland has some of the best fans. And their team was stolen, moved to Baltimore, name changed to Ravens, and they won a Super Bowl. Cleveland residents were able to add another item to the list of reasons why god hates Cleveland. But they got another disappointing team a few years later. Fixed.

Sometimes franchise moves are okay, and even great. Other times it sucks and takes time to adjust to. We're going to have to create a new category now.

The Seattle Supersonics moved to Oklahoma City, and changed their name to the Thunder. What the hell is that? It sounds like a made up franchise for a Disney basketball movie. "This evening, we have an exciting match-up between the Los Angeles Turbos and the Oklahoma City Thunders." They took away one of the oldest franchises, moved them to Oklahoma City. I've never been there, but I've heard it's like Jacksonville, only hotter. Why not move them to Greenville, SC? They don't have a team either. On top of that, they got rid of the awesome name, uniforms and logo. And named them Thunder. That is absolutely terrible. Most team names have to do with that city's industry or history: Supersonics, Bulls, Pistons, N.O. Jazz, Spurs, Rockets. But Oklahoma City? They had nothing. "Well, we get storms sometimes. Thunder and what-not. Can we call 'em the Thunder and What-nots?"

As you can see, I'm pissed about this. I just saw highlights from one of their games, and pretended it didn't happen. I will never acknowledge this team's existence. After publishing this, the Oklahoma City Thunder will be removed from my vocabulary. I watch every Bulls game every year. I will skip the games against the Thunder, and remove those games from the Bulls' win-loss record. Danny Rouhier is with me on this. I'm not crazy.

To be fair, there are worse team names in basketball. But none have the bad name/bad location/bad uniform combo down like the Thunder.

Worse names:

Orlando Magic: For serious? Go back and change it to something else.

Washington Wizards: Let's see, they're located in the capital. The city has 200 years of history. Sticking with Bullets would have been better. It was an earned name. But instead, they pretended that Washington is the city of wizardry. This still blows my mind every time I see their name in print. Sometimes I still call them the Bullets. It's like how I refuse to call the WWF by their new name. I have never done it. Not once.

New Jersey Nets: Come on, NJ. The name for your basketball team is the name of part of a basketball court. Terrible. That's like a football team called the New York Endzones. People from New Jersey always claim their state doesn't suck as badly as everyone thinks. Then they're given the responsibility to name a basketball team and can't think of anything about the state that is better than a fucking net.

New York Knickerbockers: It's better than coolots and leg-warmers, but still god-awful.

Miami Heat/Phoenix Suns: Warmth? That's all you've got?

Oklahoma City Thunder