Better Than Parcheezy

Last night, I hung out with my friend, Al. One of our favorite pastimes is watching terrible movies. Favorites include: Boxing Helena, Roadhouse, American Ninja 1-4, Guns, Enemy Gold, The Arena and anything featuring a mercenary, cartel, spy, renegade, a Russian, or an avenger. If you check the info on a movie and any of those words come up, watch the movie.

Last night, we watched I Know Who Killed Me, the latest Lindsay Lohan movie, which won 8 Razzies. Normally we don't watch mainstream shitty movies, because they just aren't shitty enough. Snakes on a Plane is the only exception I can think of. Our regular fare is much shittier than any movie that is even eligible for a Razzie nomination. But I Know Who Killed Me surprised us. It was adequately shitty. It didn't have the non-stop laughs of Boxing Helena, and we spent 90% of the movie, actually about 100% of the movie trying to figure out what was happening. But that's a good thing. The movie featured an all-time movie first: for the first time ever in a movie, there was a strip club scene that was so awkward that we wanted it to end immediately. The strip club awkward threshold is pretty high, so this was very awkward. The most inexplicable part of the movie was that Lindsay Lohan would randomly lose digits and limbs. They would just fall off, like fast-acting leprosy. But they never said it was leprosy. Instead, Lohan asked, "Who is doing this to me?" That's not how disappearing digits works. They may have explained the cause of this, but we never caught it. 

And now, the line that made watching the move worth it. One of her fingers fell off in the dressing room of the strip club. She had blood on both hands and a little on her face. She left with a towel wrapped around her new four-fingered hand, with blood dripping out of it, not going to the hospital, because "hospitals are for rich people." Yeah, rich people, and people whose fingers are falling off. She was taking the bus home, when a guy was looking at her. Next thing we knew, she was in his apartment, sitting in a chair while he was on his bed. Here's the line, and this is the entire scene.

Lohan: Aren't you going to ask what happened to me?

Guy: People get cut. That's life.

And... scene. That was it. We both lost it. "People get cut. That's life." Didn't Plato say that in his Allegory of the Cave? What made it better was, for no reason at all, the guy showed up in another scene, said, "People get cut. That's life," then disappeared for the rest of the movie.

Eventually, Lohan was missing her left hand and left foot (isn't that a heart attack symptom?). This prompted Al and I to play a game, a game which I'm going to share with you. We can call it "Rank Them." Is this game a little fucked up? Yes, it is. Is it going to be offensive to some people? Yes. Is this game important? Yes, very. 

It started with me asking Al what it would take for him to have a relationship with an amputee. He responded something along the lines of "hell freezing over." (Note: We're not talking about people who lost a limb in wars. They're excluded from discrimination, and respected even more.) I brought this up, in addition to the movie, because people in relationships act like, "Yeah, if you lost a limb, that wouldn't change things." I will openly say it would. It wouldn't end the relationship, but I would have to institute certain ground rules for the nub, such as: said nub will never be placed on my shoulder when I'm not expecting it. I would scream every time. You don't get used to that. 

So the game started out with the concept of what would it take, in a generic run-off, for an amputee to beat out another medical condition, attribute or state-of-mind. I'll list the choices for each game, without our rankings, except where our responses were unusual. You can play at home. This works for men and women.

Blind 
Deaf
Amputee

* Deaf is the easy winner here. Al went with amputee last, because he can't handle physical abnormalities. I put blind last because I think I would get tired of describing what things look like.

Serious criminal record
Stigmata

Amputee

*Somehow, I think everyone will choose the criminal here, no matter how heinous the crimes were. It's a toss-up between the other two. I think stigmata has to go last, because I think people with stigmata are attention-whores. Here's a question: Who is more likely to be elected President of the United States: An female atheist, a gay black man, or a white man with stigmata?

Amputee
Little person (non-dwarf, just really short, like 4'.
Illiterate

* Little person won for me, while illiterate won for Al, the guy who is getting his MFA in Creative Writing.

Mother of four (ages 2, 4, 6 and 8)
No vaginal opening (real condition)
Amputee

Born with extra body part (Can be anything, depending on your tolerance. Could be an ear, finger or arm.)
Member of remote pygmy tribe (No concept of the modern world.)

500 pounds

Different sized feet (Size 9 on one foot, and a size 2 on the other.)
Former porn star (gang-bang specialist)
Cat lady

*I think a cat lady is worse than a gang-bang specialist at least 90% of the time. Seriously, cat lady ranks about 10 levels below quadruple amputee.

Webbed hands
Hipster
Someone who talks about his or her exes constantly

*I ranked hipster last.

Female mixed martial artist
Polygamist wife/pioneer woman (You get all of the baggage of a polygamist wife or pioneer woman)
Tourettes
*I thought Tourettes was the easy answer, until I talked to Tony Graczyk, who pointed out, "What if it's racist Tourettes?" That's a good point. I don't know if there are categories. There should be. You can have Racist Tourettes, Sexual Tourettes, Asshole Tourettes, etc.

Huge fan of Jewel's poetry
Loves stupid bumper stickers
Ultimate Frisbee enthusiast

*This is tough, because all three are similar. It's nuance that separates them. I ranked them: Jewel, Frisbee, Bumper stickers. I figured at least the Jewel girl is into something that requires her mind. Everyone who played ultimate Frisbee in college didn't shower. That still got them a spot above people who put stickers on their car with messages like, "You should see me on MONDAYS!"

Hairy (except pelvic zone)
Normal amount of hair (except wild pelvic zone)
Depression meds for life

*Of the three people who have answered this, we've had three different answers.

6'9"
Blind
Amputee
No vaginal opening

* This is a tough one. I ranked 6'9" first. Al couldn't do that, because he was concerned that she would have a "freakish gait."

Huge mole on face
Russian Spy
Amputee

*Isn't Russian spy an incentive?