Dickfor of the Week: Congress

-Congress just gave themselves a $4,700 raise. It's an annual cost-of-living adjustment. The problem, of course, is normal wages have decreased for everyone else for the past seven years, regardless of cost-of-living. Their pay should go up and down proportionally with the national wage:cost ratio. It's not like other people can vote for a raise. And they were already making $169K. 

-Please let me know if you have met one of the following:

An atheist NASCAR fan.

A vegan Republican.

-I said something at the same time someone else said the same thing. Normally when this happens, the people involved move on. Occasionally, one person will say "Jinx." That's acceptable, but not encouraged. Someone recently said "Twinsburg" to me. I couldn't go along with that. I asked,  "What did you say?" "Oh, 'Twinsburg.' It's just a joke." No, Twinsburg is not a joke. It's a personality flaw. If you say that to people, please stop.

-After a college show, Sean Gabbert and I were hanging out with the Student Activities people from the school,. One of the girls was from Algeria, and awful at being a person. Examples of doucheness:

-"I'm from Algeria. Yeah, that's NORTHERN Africa. I AM NOT from southern Africa." That's the equivalent of saying, "Thank God I'm no black."

-She randomly said, "I love Jewish people," like she was trying to make up for something.  That's a pretty blanket statement. Then she said something about how great "Jewish food" is. Sean said that he thinks it's bland, and asked "Are you sure you're eating Jewish food, or Algerian food that's cooked by Jews?" It was Algerian food. How did she not realize this? I said, "The restaurant above the Comedy Cellar is Israeli, and the food is awesome. Then again, it might be Palestinian food that was adopted by Israelis," which is just a guess, because it's not traditional Jewish food. Then douche said, "You're right, because Israel doesn't exist. They are occupiers." That's how you make a dinner very awkward.

-Her:"I'm sorry, but hunting is just wrong. It shouldn't be legal."

Me: "You're eating chicken. Right now, you are chewing on chicken. It's in your mouth."

Her: "Yeah, but I didn't kill it."

Me: "Someone did."

Her: "So?"

No more than five seconds later...

Her: "One time I was at a sheep sacrifice and they kill it by..."

Me: "Hold on. You're anti-hunting, and pro-sacrifice? That's not hypocritical to you?"

Her: "Um, no. It was for religious purposes."

Sean: "Oh, then that's different." He was being sarcastic.

Her: Exactly.

-Sean and I were hanging out with other people after another show. Very PC, uptight-white people. I was talking about Extras (Ricky Gervais) with a guy. We both liked the show a lot. He said, "I really like the episode where the woman is dating the... the... the..." I knew he was talking about when she was dating a black guy. The episode was about white people being too racially sensitive and trying too hard to not sound racist. But he missed that theme, I guess. He wouldn't say black. And I wasn't going to help him. Finally, he figured out how he would describe the guy. He went for "The British African-American guy." British, African, American. All three. Covering all the bases. Even though the show takes place in England, and there's no reason to even think that the guy as been to the United States. Douche face.

Even better... One of the people said that the place we were at had great food. What kind? "Asian-Latin fusion." You should know that most of the clientele at "fusion" places are douches. I responded, "That's a weird fusion - Asian and Hispanic." People started to get uncomfortable. Then I clarified. "I have never seen an Asian person dating an Hispanic person, ever. I haven't seen it." People were very uncomfortable. But it's true. No one has ever seen it. Then Sean put the icing on the awkward cake by saying, "Even if I thought I saw an Asian-Hispanic couple, one of them was probably Filipino."

Your mission: Find me an Asian-Hispanic couple, an atheist NASCAR fan, and a vegan Republican.