Wegmans is a Grocery Store

-Before the comedy, let's touch on the President Bush farewell party. Two major issues that make him front runner in the Dick of the Century sweepstakes.

Watch this video:

He acknowledges, finally, that Al Qaeda had nothing to do with Iraq until after we invaded. And his response was "So what?" So what? Is he fucking serious? We've lost over 4200 Americans, and had enough casualties to populate a small city, and he responds "So what?" He's acknowledging that the war was needless, and he brushes it off. I can't believe this. I've had over 10 friends serve there. One friend from high school was killed. All of the others lost many of their brothers and sisters there. And his response, in accidentally acknowledging that the war was unjust, was "So what?" I hope that no parents, spouses or family members of fallen soldiers see this.

On top of the American casualties, over 140,000 Iraqis have been killed. Their infrastructure has been destroyed. Meanwhile at home, the war has doubled the national debt. But hey, so what?

- Also, the Senate Armed Forces Committee has put out a report, known as the Levin-McCain Report, on American torture. The committee has 11 Democratic members, and 10 Republican members. No one dissented in the report's conclusion that the mandate for torture came from the top of the Bush administration, meaning Bush, Cheney and Rumsfeld. So what?

The Washington Post's Dan Froomkin writes about it here.

Andrew Sullivan, of The Atlantic, has been writing about it constantly on his blog.

The actual report is located here.

- I'm not going to look up the videos, because I refuse to put any energy into Kanye West, but there are a couple funny ones out there. One is him performing on Conan a few weeks ago. He attempts to sing, and it hurts the ears. Pretty funny. The other video is an interview in which his ego is revealed. My roommate can't stand the guy because of his ego. Until this, I didn't understand how big his ego is. He said, and I'm paraphrasing, "If the Bible was re-written today I would definitely be in it. Think about it. The Bible was about Jesus and about 20 friends and important people. Are you telling me that I'm not one of the 20 most important people in the world?" Yes, Kanye, that's what I'm telling you. I do applaud the size of his balls in making this statement. It sounds like something I would say in Crucial Element. Note: At the Poonanza on Saturday, I also got down on one knee, doing hip thrusts, and put the mic up to my crotch, after saying, "Listen up, you can hear the ocean." So, Crucial Element isn't exactly good company if you want to be taken seriously.  Kanye West... what a dick. 

-And now, a funny story...

I was at my parents' house last week, when my mom asked me to go to the grocery store for her. My brother, Joaquim, 16, wanted to go with me to drop off a job application. On our way to the store, I told Joaquim to ask to speak to a manager, introduce himself, etc... Instead, we got there, he walked over to Customer Service, handed someone his application and said, "Here's this." Solid.

Then we made our way up the aisles to find German Chocolate for my mom. As we passed deodorant, I remembered that I was about to run out. As I was picking out my deodorant, Joaquim noticed something on the opposite shelves.

Joaquim: Yo, Ryan. What the heck? They have... aww man. Just out in the open? I can't believe this mess...

I turned around. He was looking at condoms.

Joaquim: Why would they have this stuff just out on shelves? People could steal them, and put the boxes back. Then people want to buy condoms and they end up with an empty box.

I continued to ignore him. By the way, he was talking loud enough for anyone within 25 feet to hear.

Joaquim: Oh, snap! They have vibrators too!

I was still ignoring him, because he isn't supposed to acknowledge to me that he knows what a vibrator is. Then he raised his voice.

Joaquim: Ryan, check this out! Why do they have vibrators in the grocery store?

I couldn't let him keep talking about vibrators, so I turned around, knowing that they don't sell vibrators at Wegman's. Why? Because Wegman's is a grocery story. I walked over to see what he was looking at. It was KY His/Hers lube, not vibrators.

Me: That's not what that is.

Joaquim: Then what is it?

Me: I'm not going to tell you. But that's not what it is.

He looked at the package more closely.

Joaquim: Oh, it's lube. It's just lube. I thought they were vibrators. Dang, they have all kinds of lube here. Look at this! Ryan, look at this.

Me: I'm not looking at lube with you.

Joaquim: What the heck... What is this? Oh, I thought it was face lotion.

That was the line that killed me. "Oh, I thought it was face lotion." How funny would it be if he was going to school with KY on his face? I told my cousin, Antoine about this. He suggested that I should have just left him. I never thought about the fact that I could have. Because Joaquim is black and I'm white, people wouldn't assume that he's my little brother. This begs the question: Which is more awkward, a hetero guy looking at lube with another guy, while onlookers assume something else, or looking at lube with your brother? I'm going to say looking at lube with your brother is about 25x more awkward.

When we got home, I assumed this was over. But we entered the kitchen. Joaquim and my mom were on one side. I was on the other, at the table, putting down a bag of macaroons, when Joaquim decided to talk. Keep in mind that my entire "sex talk" was, "Um... you're carrying a loaded weapon. Um... watch where you point it... And, um... keep the safety on."

Joaquim: Mom, you are not going to believe what they have at the grocery store. They have Trojans, Magnums, Dura-somethings... all kinds of condoms...

Mom: Why are you telling me this?

I was frozen, staring at macaroons.

Joaquim: Because. I couldn't believe it...

Then he went on a tirade about how people could steal them. I was hoping the conversation would be diverted to thievery, until Joaquim got back on task.

Joaquim: And they had vibrators! Who would want some mess like that?

Mom: I wish you would stop telling me this.

Joaquim: Actually it turned out that they weren't vibrators. It was lube.

Mom: Please stop.

I'm still staring at the macaroons, frozen.

Joaquim: They had so many kinds of lube. You had to see it to believe it.

Mom: Joaquim, I don't want you to tell me this.

Joaquim: I'm just saying that Wegman's is dirty, that's all.

I stood, staring at the macaroons for another 30 seconds, until my body unfroze and I was able to run out of the room.