You Are Sasha Farce

-My roommate just told me to check out the new Beyonce single. It's called Diva, and it's worse than the new Kanye West singles. It's worse than Souljah Boy and Project Pat combined. Listen to a little of this:

It sounds like 1) People are gargling in the background, or 2) They recorded in a room full of monkeys. What is that background sound? There's no discernable melody. Who is buying this?

On top of it just sucking, it's a double disc album. The whole album is 16 tracks, and around 60 minutes, but they put it on two discs to drive up the price. She's a-a-a-a dickface. 

-More hate for New York City...

The most annoying thing about NYC is the arrogance of New Yorkers. Most people in the city are cool. But there's about 20% who think that because they live in NYC, they are better than everyone else. It's not just that they give this impression. They will actually say it to your face.

I hadn't been in the city for two months. I went home yesterday. Last night, I was at a holiday party at a comedy club in the city. All of the comics there were cool. All of the industry people there were cool. But there were some random people there who were invited for reasons that I don't know. Most of them were cool too. But one girl was probably the biggest douche I've met in my life. I'll keep everyone nameless, so let's say I was hanging out with someone named Bob, when we were approached by a girl with whom Bob was acquanted.

Douche: Hey Bob.

Bob: Hey Douche. This is Ryan Conner.

Ryan: Nice to meet you, Douche.

Douche: Yeah.

Beat.

Douche: This is the seventh day in a row that I've either drank or smoked pot.

I didn't know what to say to that. I thought only 18-year-olds bragged about that.

Ryan: Cool. That's productive.

Douche: Whatever. What's your problem? I'm not trying to impress you. 

Ryan: What?

Douche: Why are you talking shit?

Ryan: What are you talking about? I said "That's productive."

Douche: Oh, I thought you said, "That's attractive." I'm not trying to impress you.

Ryan: Why would I have said that? Why would anyone say that?

Douche: I don't know.

No apology.

Douche: So, you and Bob started together in DC?

Ryan: Yeah.

Douche: Are you from DC?

Ryan: Yeah.

Douche: I mean FROM DC?

Ryan: I lived in southern VA until I was 11, then moved to the DC area.

Douche: The DC AREA? Area? So, you aren't from DC?

Ryan: The DC suburbs.

Douche: I hate it when people say they're from a place that they aren't from. You're probably from Maryland.

Ryan: Virginia, actually.

Douche: Then why didn't you say that?

Ryan: If I said I was from Virginia, you would ask what part. I would tell you. Then you would say, "Why didn't you just say you're from DC?"

Douche: Well maybe, but at least I know my states. You're from VA and you tell people you're from DC.

I stared at her, flabbergasted. Bob was on my side. He tried to jump in, but she wouldn't allow it.

Ryan: There are 5-6 million people in metropolitan DC, and only about 400,000 live in DC

Douche: Well, I know someone who lived IN DC. 

Ryan: Sounds good.

Douche: How long have you lived in New York?

Ryan: Two years.

Douche: Where do you live?

Here we go again.

Ryan: Jersey City Heights, on the edge of Hoboken.

Douche: Um, excuse me, but that's not New York. That's New Jersey. That's not even the same state. 

Bob: It's the same distance to Manhattan as it is from Brooklyn and Queens.

Douche: That doesn't matter. It's a different state. Don't tell people you live in New York.

Ryan: What's wrong with you?

Douche: Look, I've lived on the Upper West Side for my entire life. I'm a New Yorker. And I hate when people say they live in New York and they don't.

Ryan: I have to go. It was great meeting you. I'll see you soon. Take care.

BIGGEST DOUCHE EVER.

Then I walked to my car. It had been towed. I thought I was parked legally. I paid the meter. Turns out the meter was only for commercial vehicles, however the sign looks like it's parking for meters or commercial vehicles. Anyway, things worked out. I got to pay $300 ($185 for the tow, and $115 for the ticket) to have my car moved to a convenient location 11 blocks away ($27 per block), which allowed me the opportunity to have a cab driver who not only didn't speak English, but also didn't understand the number 38. He tried to take me to 30th Street, then 41st, then 40th. Finally, I got out at 40th, figuring it was as close as I was going to get. This story has no ending.