This blog contains a video and words.

-I'm going to Alaska on Thursday, for a Friday show. I spoke to Alaska yesterday (It was a school representative to be exact. But I will refer to everyone from Alaska as if they're speaking on behalf of their state.). I was told that it was negative 40 degrees over the weekend, and to be prepared for any temperature between negative 40 and positive 40. Come on, Alaska. That's an 80 degree range. How am I supposed to pack for two and a half days of that? That's like saying, "It could be 10 degrees, or 90." Thanks for giving me the entire scope of possible temperatures and telling me to be prepared.
Also, I know the state is beautiful. Even when submerged in darkness for months, Alaskans have the privilege of seeing the Northern Lights. But the daily temperature range of -40 to +40 seems like it would be enough to trump the natural wonders of the state. We'll see in a couple days. And I'll definitely be blogging about it, as I will definitely not go outside.
-Watch this 30-second video of Mitt Romney asking, "Who let the dogs out?" This has to be the most awkward case of pandering this campaign season has seen.

-I went to Richmond, VA on Saturday for the 12th Bi-Annual Black Sparrow Keg Race. This is something my friends and I have been doing for six years (Obviously, if it's the 12th Bi-Annual). The Summer keg race is in Fairfax, with the Winter race in Richmond. We start with four quarter kegs (84 beers each) and randomly draw teams and race to finish the kegs. Although this sounds like a frat-tastic event, it's far from it. I don't know how to prove that, but trust me. I don't even like parties, but the keg races are the highlights of the year for me. They're also the only days of the year that I'll have more than one or two drinks in a day.
Normally, we'll have about 30-40 people, which translates to 8-12 beers each in a sprint to finish the kegs. The race usually lasts about 2-2.5 hours. After that, everyone just hangs out.
This time, we were expecting around 40-50 participants. On the drive down from Fairfax (my friends and I rented a van), we decided to add more obstacles to the race. Specifically, we thought it would be a good idea to have each team draw a piece of paper from a hat every 30 minutes that would assess additional drinks to the teams. These ranged from a shot of Jack (split between the team), to an extra six-pack of beer. The additional drinks would have to be completed within 30 minutes, in time to draw another "reward." It just hit me that this isn't a safe thing to do. Moving on...
It was time to pick up the kegs and extra drinks. We got four kegs of Miller Light, bottles of Captain, Jack, Goldschlager and 99 Bananas, six packs of Black & Tan (they're heavy and hard to drink fast), PBR, Miller Select Pomegranite (certainly disgusting), and as a complete joke, a six-pack of Penn's Best Non-Alcoholic - warm.
The race was to start at 4pm, however only 12 people had arrived - nine in the van I came in. We decided to make teams and begin, with a plan to assign stragglers to teams when they arrived. Before we could tap into the kegs, we had to draw for our first extra drinks. The hat contained about 24-32 pieces of paper, only four of them reading "nothing." Somehow the other three teams all drew "nothing." My team drew "Three shots of Goldschlager." That's not a good icebreaker for a day of drinking. If you've never had Goldschlager, what you need to know is: It's a very strong cinnamon schnapps; It contains gold flakes; Cinnamon tastes awful as a drink. You can eat Cinnamon Toast Crunch and think, "How could cinnamon be ruined?" The answer is Goldschlagger. After doing the shots, and waiting a few minutes for our mouths to stop hating us, we started on our keg.
We finished 2-3 beers each in the first 30 minutes, and it was time to draw again. The other three teams all drew one shot to be split between their team. We drew a six-pack of beer, and thought it would be smart to drink the Penn's Best Non-Alcoholic to prevent ourselves from being drunk in the first hour. Seemed smart. But the Penn's Best was warm. Not only that, but we opened it and it was skunked. It smelled like vomit. And we had to drink two each before we could go back to the keg.
Soon after we got into the Penn's Best, we realized that we wouldn't have a big turn-out. In the end, there were only four people per team. That's 21 beers each, plus the extra drinks. Also, there were girls there who can't drink 21 beers, so guys had to pick up the slack.
In the end, my team realized we couldn't win and slowed down. Two kegs ended up being finished (It took the winners about three hours), with the other two being close to finished by the end of the night.
The highlights of the night weren't race-related. They were:
* A deaf guy was playing Beer-Pong on the deck (Sounds fratty, I know. It wasn't, I swear.). A ball went past him. He turned to race after it and ran through the deck railing, breaking it and falling about three feet to land on and break a grill. After a few seconds, he bounced back up and finished his game. I don't know what him being deaf has to do with it, but it does make it slightly funnier.
*This isn't much of a highlight, but more of a disturbing sight. A girl peed in her pants. Twice.
*My friend Glen has had a habit of drinking and getting pseudo-philosophical. He's been doing this since I met him nearly 10 years ago. I remember my sophomore year of college when he was particularly drunk, and I was merely limber. We were sitting on his suite-mate's bed, when out of nowhere, he started talking about a hypothetical fantasy football draft. He was touching my face as he said this, to make sure I was still in front of him. "Look, you need to get a quarterback first. I'm going to get John Elway. You can get Favre. Do you want Favre? Next, running back..." This went on for several minutes. At the keg race, he wasn't nearly as drunk, but at one time, he proclaimed to everyone in the house, "I'm not part of the Navy, bitches. But I can still do jobs." I don't know what that means, but I like it.
*On the way back, we saw two great signs. One on a building that looked like a church, which read, "Sanctuary and Gym." I don't know how that works. That's like "Landfill and Pharmacy."
The other sign was on a restaurant. It said, "HELP WANTED: Chili Elf." I can't even make a guess about this. Which word isn't supposed to be there? Chili or elf? There's no way they didn't have enough letters for "Chef" and thought, "They'll figure it out if we write 'elf'.

-I've lived in NYC for a year, and spent a lot of time in the city over the past two years. During my first visit, I came to two conclusions: 1) New Yorkers think they're the smartest people in the world. 2) Many New Yorkers are among the stupidest people in the world.
Evidence for point #2. I was in a store last week when a customer said to the clerk, "Giants-Pats Superbowl. That's like Yankees-Red Sox... except with football," which is the equivalent of saying nothing, while wearing a "Who Farted?" shirt.

Christopher Hitchens essay on Huckabee's recent racist remarks

This is a great piece on the media's proclivity to cover non-issues in the name of racism, while ignoring real instances of racism.

Crucial Element Feb 10 Show in DC

I'm writing because of a show I'm doing in DC in a couple weeks. If you aren't aware of this, my friend Quincy and I do characters who are in a fake rap group from Woodbridge, VA. The characters are stupid and delusional and will never make it out of Woodbridge. But they're really funny and make catchy, if bad, music. And Crucial Element is doing a show with Jimes and Larry Poon at DC9 (www.dcnine.com) on February 10.

If you want to check out some songs and videos by Crucial Element, you can do so here.
If you want to hear Jimes, click here. I recommend listening to "Ants" first.
And if you want info on Larry Poon, click here.

Tickets to the show are $8 and can be bought at www.dcnine.com . If you can make it, I would advise you to get tickets ASAP. This show will probably sell out.
If you can't go, or don't want to go, , it would be much appreciated if you could forward this to any friends who may be interested. It would also guarantee you at least another three years in the Ryan Conner Friendship Circle of Friendship.

Critical Acclaim for Crucial Element:

"Brilliant!"
-Ilana Ozernoy, Freelance Journalist and co-author of Afghanistan:The Road to Kabul

Since the onset of the Industrial Revolution, Afghanistan experts have been the foremost experts on comedy and rap music. The praise speaks for itself.

Crucial Element thanks you for your time,
Ryan

David Lee Roth

Andy Kline just sent this to me, and now I'm sending it to you.

"This is audio of David Lee Roth singing Runnin' With the Devil without any background music. Hilarious. Listen all the way through, he ends with a big flurry.

http://www.chunklet.com/images/upload/6/audio_file/Runnin'%20With%20The%20Devil.mp3 "

New Crucial Element Podcast

Here you go...

A Letter from Martin Luther King III

I get increasingly irritated by the media's coverage of the presidential primaries. They cover hot topics and ignore things that really matter. It's style over substance. And sadly, the media chooses our presidents. This has been the case for every election in my lifetime.
While all the current coverage revolves around pointless bickering, things like this letter are swept under the rug. The following is a letter from Martin Luther King III, to John Edwards. It has had ZERO coverage in the mainstream media, just as his other countless endorsements have.

January 20, 2008

The Honorable John R. Edwards
410 Market Street
Suite 400
Chapel Hill, NC 27516

Dear Senator Edwards:

It was good meeting with you yesterday and discussing my father's legacy. On the day when the nation will honor my father, I wanted to follow up with a personal note.

There has been, and will continue to be, a lot of back and forth in the political arena over my father's legacy. It is a commentary on the breadth and depth of his impact that so many people want to claim his legacy. I am concerned that we do not blur the lines and obscure the truth about what he stood for: speaking up for justice for those who have no voice.

I appreciate that on the major issues of health care, the environment, and the economy, you have framed the issues for what they are - a struggle for justice. And, you have almost single-handedly made poverty an issue in this election.

You know as well as anyone that the 37 million people living in poverty have no voice in our system. They don't have lobbyists in Washington and they don't get to go to lunch with members of Congress. Speaking up for them is not politically convenient. But, it is the right thing to do.

I am disturbed by how little attention the topic of economic justice has received during this campaign. I want to challenge all candidates to follow your lead, and speak up loudly and forcefully on the issue of economic justice in America.

From our conversation yesterday, I know this is personal for you. I know you know what it means to come from nothing. I know you know what it means to get the opportunities you need to build a better life. And, I know you know that injustice is alive and well in America, because millions of people will never get the same opportunities you had.

I believe that now, more than ever, we need a leader who wakes up every morning with the knowledge of that injustice in the forefront of their minds, and who knows that when we commit ourselves to a cause as a nation, we can make major strides in our own lifetimes. My father was not driven by an illusory vision of a perfect society. He was driven by the certain knowledge that when people of good faith and strong principles commit to making things better, we can change hearts, we can change minds, and we can change lives.

So, I urge you: keep going. Ignore the pundits, who think this is a horserace, not a fight for justice. My dad was a fighter. As a friend and a believer in my father's words that injustice anywhere is a threat to justice everywhere, I say to you: keep going. Keep fighting. My father would be proud.

Sincerely,

Martin L. King, III

New Crucial Element song

It's called Happy Kwanzaa in C Minor and can be heard if you click on the link to the Crucial Element myspace page on the right. I recommend doing so. This is the rawest, most hardcore CE song yet.

Capazoo, etc...

-The college shows are trickling in for the Spring. I'm at University of Alaska-Fairbanks on February 1. I've always wanted to go to Alaska, so this is exciting. It's negative 16 degrees there today. I love making my body think it's going to die. The show is supposed to start at 8pm. But, I was told, "It could start later, depending on when the hockey game ends." I don't know if this means everyone from the hockey game is going to the show, or I'm performing in a hockey rink, after the game. I'm not going to ask. I want to arrive in Alaska, not knowing if I'm going to perform in a hockey rink. I don't think I'll ever be able to have that uncertainty at any other point in my life.

-I've had my ear to the street, actually both ears, but not at the same time. And the streets have been asking for more social networking sites. Here's my breakdown of each.
Friendster - Of all the words that don't actually describe a homosexual act, this is the gayest word possible. It's also a crap website. But it was the Commodore 64 of social networking sites.
Myspace - Obviously the biggest one and a cultural phenomenon. It's a great site.
Facebook - Breeding stalkers and serial killers nationwide. I have a page on this site, and it scares me. The site tells everyone in the world your every move. It also has no media features. I don't get its appeal. Oh, that's right, you can pretend to throw cake at people. That's always fun.
LinkedIn - I don't understand this one at all. It seems that all you do is post a resume. I get a request for this site about once per day. But I haven't had a job in two years. Not sure what the point of it is.
Capazoo - This is a new one. They actually did a three-year, $20 million audit, to discover what the catchiest word in the world is. After the intensive study, Capazoo ranked 141,523. Luck would have it that 141,523 is the CEO's lucky number. So, they went with Capazoo. Anyway, this is the best of these sites, by far. It's basically myspace, plus youtube and ebay. On top of that, they share 10% of ad revenue with its users. Instead of rating a video, you tip a video with money that the company gives you. And you actually keep the money. They send you a Visa Debit card once you've accumulated over $35 in tips, which doesn't take long. It's bizarre, but real and legit. I highly recommend switching over to this site. Check out my page http://www.capazoo.com/ryanconner . The layout, and everything about it is better than the other sites. If you sign up, list my user name(ryanconner) as your reference.

-It's possible that I like food too much. On Sunday at the Comedy Cellar, I ran into a friend that I haven't seen since she got famous a few months ago. I should have asked her about being famous, but I didn't. She asked me how things have been going. Some significant events have occurred over the past few months. Instead of mentioning them, I replied, "I just ordered mashed potatoes. They have the best mashed potatoes here. I eat a whole plate of them almost every night I'm here. Nothing else. Just potatoes. They also have the best wings in the city. Man... But I already had Buffalo chicken for lunch..." Seconds later, she walked away.

-I have a story about a guy saying, "If English was good enough for Jesus Christ, it's good enough for us." I Googled the phrase. Turns out, it's a common argument amongst morons. A member of the Texas state legislature said it on-record. Now, there's a book called, "If English Was Good Enough For Jesus Christ, It Should Be Good Enough For You." The book title is meant to be ironic. I'm just pointing out that I didn't make up the phrase. That's all.

-Thanks to everyone who has checked out the new Crucial Element tracks. We've been getting overwhelmingly positive feedback. If you're in DC on February 10, please come out to the Crucial Element show at DC9 (dcnine.com). Along with Jimes, we'll be opening for Larry Poon, performing for about 30 minutes.
Looks like we'll be performing at UMD-College Park this semester too. More info on that in the coming weeks. Also, shows in Brooklyn and Connecticut are looking possible.
There should be a new Crucial Element song and podcast uploaded tonight.

-I've had the same credit card since January 1999. In nine years, I've accumulated over 15,000 rewards points. Last night, I decided to cash in. Nine years of use, and $15,000 spent translated into a $120 iPod nano. It was either that, or a cheap vacuum cleaner. I went with the Nano because I convinced myself that it would cause me to go to the gym more frequently. That will not be the case. It will only lead me to ask, "Why do I have two iPods?" more frequently. Seriously, what is the point of these rewards programs? I looked into getting a free flight. I have to spend a minimum of $30,000 to get a free flight. How is this a deal? If I wanted a decent HD TV, I'd have to spend over $250,000. Or, I could buy one for $2,000. Crazy how that works. I just realized I'm complaining about getting free stuff.

Patrice O'Neal on free speech

He's one of the best comics there is. Watch this.

Crucial Element updates

Crucial Element now has a blog, which is linked to on the right.
There are also two new Crucial Element songs, "Bitches in the Government," and "Sippin' on Gangsta Juice," on the Myspace page, also linked on the right.

A Tale of Two Shows

It was the best of shows, it was the worst of shows, it was the age of college students, it was the age of geriatrics, it was the epoch of liveliness, it was the epoch of bingo, it was the season of Light, it was the season of Darkness, it was the spring of laughter, it was the winter of despair, we had everything before us, we had a snow shovel before us...
At first, I thought I'd describe two shows in their entirety, while drawing direct parallels from A Tale of Two Cities. Then, I got bored after a few lines. Instead, I'll tell the story in the form of I Know Why the Caged Bird Sings.
Last week, I performed at the DC Improv, along with Dennis Regan and Jimmy Merritt. All of the shows were splendid. Thanks to everyone who came out. I don't throw around words like "splendid" willy-nilly.
I had to miss the Friday shows, due to a previously scheduled college show in Moorhead, MN, at Concordia College. Concordia is one mile from Fargo, ND. Yes, Fargo, like the movie. It looks just like that. A white, barren wasteland, full of nice people. I'm pretty sure everyone is white too. That has nothing to do with anything though.
On Thursday, my college agent (Bass-Schuler - Call them to get me to perform at your school) called and asked if I wanted to do an extra show for faculty and staff when I'm there. I'm not sure what the difference between faculty and staff is. But it doesn't matter. The staff show was to be at 7PM in Fargo. The student show would be at 9PM in Moorhead. For the staffaculty, I would only be doing 30 minutes. At the other show, I would be doing a minimum of an hour.
I was told that the staff would be in their mid-20s to mid-30s. That made sense, with it being a college, and a comedy show. Going in to the show, I knew it was an Evangelical Christian school, which means the show would have to be 100% clean. That wouldn't be a problem. I figured it would be like any other Catholic school I've done. Then I read that this school graduates more Evangelical Lutheran ministers than any school in the country. That's when I realized it's not just a traditionally religious school. This drive-in still shows movies. Still not a problem though. It just means that it's not the type of school that says they want a clean show, but don't really care about content.
I did a "clean" show at a college in PA last year. When I got there, I asked about specific content restrictions. They said, "Try not to say cunt. And don't say fuck a lot." Not a problem. This show would not be like that, however.
I arrived in Fargo at 6:40 for my 7PM show. It was in a ballroom at a Holiday Inn. Two female students greeted me in the lobby. They were cool. At the time, I thought they were members of the staffaculty and were a sample of what the show would be. Then I walked into the ballroom. There were about 150 people there. Seven people under the age of 40 were seated at one table. Two other people under 40 were seated at another table. The roughly 140 other people in attendance were between the ages of 70 and infinity, with many leaning toward infinity. I love old people. But not when I have to perform for them. I can't relate to them in any way. I threw out all my jokes about my Wayne Newton records skipping whenever I put them on the grammophone long ago.
The age of the audience, we'll call a hurdle. A big hurdle. Here comes another big hurdle, actually it wasn't like running the hurdles. It was more like doing the steeplechase while being shot at. They told me my set would be at 7:30, instead of 7. This change in plans was made to ensure that people ARE eating when I'm on stage. You never want people to be eating while you're performing, because they can't pay attention. Even if they are listening, you can't laugh with a mouth full of rice. Also, the tables were round, which meant that half of the audience wouldn't be facing me. Perfect. Just how I like it.

Dear Fargo,
Could you please throw one more obstacle in the way?
Love,
Ryan

Ryan,
How about if we do a five minute prayer right before your set?
Sincerely,
Fargo

P.S. Would you like to perform in front of a podium?

Far-Far,
That should do it.
One,
RC

Yes, a long prayer to get the crowd warmed up. The irony of this is that the minister was super-cool. If I lived in Fargo, I would be good friends with her. She's definitely the first member of clergy who I've heard say "fuck." That tells me that she's not too Jesus-y. I asked her about content. She told me not to worry about it, and that PG-13 would be fine. I disagreed. I asked if I could say "porn." She said that wouldn't be a problem. I still felt uncomfortable. I think there's an unwritten rule that you can't say porn within 30-minutes of a prayer. It's like the no-swimming after eating thing.

I went up for the set. The young people were laughing the whole time, and were cool. The only problem was that the young people made up roughly 6.5% of the crowd. I surprisingly got a decent amount of laughs at the beginning. Don't get me wrong. I was still bombing. But it wasn't silent. Then I saw a handheld wireless mic on a shelf on the podium. I grabbed it, after announcing to the crowd that it would be time for a mic switch. Guess what? The mic didn't work. I put it back on the shelf, and went back into a joke. Then the mic rolled off the shelf and hit the stage with a huge thud. "The mic definitely won't work now," I said, to the second-biggest laugh of the night. I bent down to pick the mic up to put it back on the shelf. When I did that, a snow shovel fell out of the podium. That was not a typo. A fucking snow shovel. So I picked it up, and there I stood with a mic in one hand and a snow shovel in the other, and said, "Only in Fargo would there be a snow shovel in a podium." This killed. But I didn't mean it as a joke. It was actually said out of frustration.
Other highlights from the set:
During a joke in which I quoted someone saying, "If English is good enough for Jesus Christ, it's good enough for us," A couple people booed. There is nothing boo-able about it though. Flabbergasted, I finished the joke to a an acceptable amount of laughter, which means it wasn't quiet enough for me to contemplate suicide.
The next part of the joke involves me mentioning a sex-ed class. When I said "sex-ed," a couple people got up and left the room. I wanted to say, "Oh, you're the parents of the kids who opt out of sex-ed, and your kids get pregnant when they're 17? Nice to meet you." But then I would be scared for my safety, provided anyone in the audience could walk on their own.
I finished my set and carried the snow shovel off stage with me, overhead, like a sword, after a victorious battle. I sat down, and waited for my food, so I could leave for the next show. Next up was the school president. While sincerely stating, "I get nervous when I have to follow a funny person," an elderly man with a southern accent, and sitting right behind me, shouted, "You won't have a problem with that!" I was heckled after my set, by an elderly man. Rock-motherfuckin'-bottom.

An hour and a half later, I performed at the school, for over 400 students. It was awesome, and made up for performing for the students' great-grandparents. Uff-da.

Show this Sunday in NYC

If you're in NYC this Sunday, come check out the show at Rififi @8PM in the East Village (332 E. 11th Street). The show is called "Can You Imagine," and it's the last one at Rififi. It will be hosted by Matt Goldich and Chris Jurek. I'll be performing, as will Demetri Martin, and other people who you haven't heard of, but are very funny. It will be a great show. The headliner will be free pizza.

Crucial Element Recommendations

I have some stuff to write about, and will have time tomorrow. In the meantime, if you haven't checked out Crucial Element yet, I suggest you do so. And add them to your Myspace friends.

Crucial Element recently achieved a new level of critical success. These are real quotes.

"Hos Run in Packs is a hit at my office."
-John Luoma, Certified Gemologist

"Brilliant."
-Ilana Ozernoy, Freelance Journalist, and co-author of Afghanistan:The Road to Kabul

This is huge news for Crucial Element. Everyone knows that gemologists and Afghanistan experts have been the foremost critics of comedy and music since the Industrial Revolution.

World's Coolest Mayor

This is Mayor Nutter of Philadelphia at his inauguration a few days ago. I'm serious. Watch this.

Shows in DC This Week

I will be featuring at the DC Improv (The country's premier comedy club and restaurant) this week. Dennis Regan, from Letterman and head-writer for King of Queens, will be headlining, while local-favorite Jimmy Merritt hosts. Come on out, if you can. The shows will be a lot of fun. I have a lot of new material since my last weekend in DC.

Show info:
Tuesday-Thursday at 8:30PM. $15.
Saturday at 8PM and 10:30PM. $17.
Sunday at 8PM. $15.

You can get tickets at dcimprov.com, or by calling the Improv at 202.296.7008. Ask for Ricky.

Notice that I won't be there on Friday, because I'll be headlining a college outside Fargo, ND. That show is free. So, you can come to that one too. Carpool.

Hack Comedy Mad Libs

You remember Mad Libs. I decided to make my own. If you fill this out, you can be a hack comic who kills every night and gets whatever TV credits that you want.

Thank you. It's great to be here. You look like a/an [adjective] audience. And I know what you're thinking. I look like a cross between [ugly b-list celebrity] and [uglier and more obscure celebrity], with [fat celebrity]'s metabolism. You people are sick. I like that.

I tell you what, I was walking down the street with a [food], and a homeless guy asked me if I have any extra food. Extra food? Look at me, I'm [synonym for fat]. Do I look like I can spare any food?

Can you imagine what it would be like if [celebrity] and [celebrity] were [obscure occupation]. I think it would go a little something like this... [act out that ends with sexual innuendo]. Oh, that's not what I meant. Get your minds out of the gutter.

My wife told me to put the toilet seat down after I use it. I said, "Why don't you put it [direction] after you use it?"

I saw a commercial for [impotence drug]. It said that if you [slang for erection] last for more than four hours, consult a doctor. If it lasts four hours I'm telling [large group of people].

I have a crazy mind. I think of weird things. When you're at work, I'm at home thinking up crazy thoughts. And just the other day, I was thinking (dramatic pause)... what if... unicorns could [insert verb that unicorns can't do, such as play basketball or speak Spanish]. That would be awesome.

You guys have been great. Check out my [insert social networking website]. And before I go, I just want to say that I support the [synonym for military]. Good night.

-I'm expecting Andy Kline (comic) to comment with a Mad Libs of his own that will be much better than mine.

Notes from my Blackberry

-One of the unintentionally funniest and most annoying things in comedy is the tendency of clubs and PC comics substituting the word "urban" for black or African-American. It's so funny to me. Last night, a good friend of mine texted me, saying a show had a "mostly urban audience." The thing is, when people say it, it has nothing to do with the audience being city-dwellers. If that was the case, 99% of comedy shows would be "urban." However, if Michael Winslow, or Rondell Sheridan did a show in Havre de Grace, MD, people would call it an urban show.
I don't know who decided a few years ago that they would start referring to an entire race as if they live in a city. I'm going to start calling predominantly white audiences, "rural." Hispanic audiences will be "suburban." And Asian audiences... I don't perform for Asian audiences.
I think people say urban, because they don't know what's acceptable. For the record, it isn't racist to acknowledge that races exist. It isn't racist to say that a black person is black, just as it isn't racist to call a white person white. [Insert easy joke about how it's okay to call a certain race by a slur.]
Erin Jackson, a great comic from DC, has a funny joke about white people who are afraid to say that someone is black. Check her out.
-I was a substitute teacher for 3.5 years, before I started doing comedy. I need a little supplemental income now, so I'm looking to sub a few days per month. In Virginia, I taught high school music, English and math classes. In Hoboken, that will not happen. Why? When the high schools let out here, it looks like people are leaving a 3-6 Mafia concert. The gang signs flow like wine. I'm pretty sure I don't want to try to be a sub and teach 3-6 Mafia fans about Robert Frost's "Birches."
In an attempt to sub at a local elementary school, I called the school board and asked what the application process entails. The lady, in a heavy north-Jersey accent, replied, "Are you certificated?"
"Um, what was that?"
"Have you been certificated?"
Because I was calling a school system, I wasn't ready for people to use made-up words. I had no idea of what she was trying to say.
"I... I don't know. How does one get certificated?"
"There's a certification process..."
"Oh. No. Is there a New Jersey certification?"
"Yes. You have to get certificated in New Jersey."
"No, I haven't been certified."
I thought I had just opened her eyes to the concept of using real words.
"Well, if you get certificated, you get paid more."
Apparently, if you say "certificated" three times, I will stop listening to what you say for the next two minutes. And that's what happened.

Well, I just went to dictionary dot com. Guess who the moron is? Me. Turns out, the words are interchangeable. If that's the case, why has it taken me 27 years to hear someone say certificated? I'm blaming this ignorance on society. It is certifiably society's fault. Certificatebly society's fault.

-My friend, Quincy, and I recently moved to Jersey City Heights. Before I can explain this idea, I'll have to make an accurate topographical map Jersey City Heights in relation to Hoboken.

_________Jersey City Heights___
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|_____Hoboken______ -Hudson River - Manhattan

That's the future of cartography there.
Jersey City Heights is on a huge cliff on the edge of Hoboken. The only way to get from one to the other by foot is to ride an elevator or take a stairwell. The thing with the elevator is that, at night, it feels like you're in the middle of a rape zone. Two nights ago, I noticed that everyone walked an extra block and cut through a construction site to avoid two people who were standing at the main entrance. It's very shady. With that said, I'm pretty sure that one night, the elevator will be broken and I'll have to take the stairwell. And I'll get robbed in the stairwell. I've accepted that and moved on to how it will take place. Because it's a stairwell, and we're both clearly going to the same place, it's going to be awkward. I can just see someone pulling a knife on me and me having to give them the six one dollar bills that are in my pocket. Then, I say to them, "Well, do you want to leave first? We still have a lot of steps to go up, and it might be awkward if we do it together."
"Sure, I'll go first. But give me at least a 30 second head start, because my feet get tired."
"No problem. Have a good night." I have a condition that causes me to be very polite everyone, whether they just robbed me or not.
Then I'll get to the top, and this person will jump out with the knife and ask for my money again. And I'll have to tell him that I'm the same guy from the stairwell. And then his manners will kick in. "I'm so sorry. How rude of me. It's just that all white people look the same to me. Have an excellent stroll to your domicile. Cheerio."

Prediction: The same people who say "urban" will find "It's just that all white people look the same to me," offensive. It's a joke. And it's funny because no race is assigned to the person at all.
And I'm making fun of white people who think that every person they see is the same person. It's just absurd, but I guarantee I get at least one comment calling saying this blog was racist.

-I hate going to a pro sports game, or seeing one on TV, and seeing signs that people have made which people use the network name as initials for something that makes no sense. NBC is already means for National Broadcasting Corporation. NBC doesn't need to stand for anything else. But every football game features at least 20 signs reading something along the lines of.
Nobody can beat the Patriots
Because they're the best.
Champions.

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