Wednesday, March 26, 2008

Sudan Charity

Chicago Bulls player, Luol Deng, was a Sudanese refugee. Most of the Darfur-related charities provide money for a political fix, such as savedarfur.com . However, Luol's charity actually provides food and education to the children who are displaced by the fighting. If you have a few bucks to spare, you can help here.

Monday, March 24, 2008

Manic Monday

Table of Contents.
Section 1 - Brother Update
Section 2 - Dancing with the Stars
Section 3 - Taco Bell's bad decisions
Section 4 - Proof the Detroit is the worst city in the USA
Section 5 - The ignorance of youth
Section 6 - Bedside Manner
Section 7 - I can't understand old guys.

Section 1
The previous update on my brother, Dong, was optimistic. We believed he would be released immediately. That was not the case. I have recently found out that his case worker (the person responsible for his arrest, and who has the power to release him) hasn't worked since Dong was arrested.
Now we're three weeks in. Dong was in a holding cell with 11 other people who were in the exact same situation, except from other countries. They have now been deported, because they didn't have Green Cards. Since the previous update, ICE has sent Dong's Green Card to him. He's on path to citizenship. However, on Thursday, instead of being sent home, he was moved to a real prison, with criminals, and I suppose masterminds. More criminals than masterminds, I'm guessing.
This is starting to get annoying. Every member of congress that we've spoken to has told us they would help if they could, but because the Justice Department has custody of him, their arms are tied. Checks and balances. One would think that if they're going to observe that part of the Constitution, the part about due process could be observed as well.

Section 2
Tonight, I watched Dancing with the Stars. Not by choice. It annoys me that shows like this exist for two reasons. First, there are plenty of great scripts that can be made into TV series. I wrote four of them. And secondly, because it glorifies dancing. Why don't we make a show called Gang-banging with the Stars while we're at it? That's what I liken dancing to. It's a silly, arbitrary act that harms society.
Think about how arbitrary it is. What is the correlation between music and jumping/running/shimmying around? None. People say, "The music makes me want to dance. You just don't appreciate it. That's why you don't dance." No. I do appreciate it. The music makes me want to listen. That's what it's designed for. Sounds are made for listening. Food doesn't make me want to run. It makes me want to eat.
And my allegation of harming society wasn't really serious. But it does encourage people to suck at conversation. In college, every time I met a girl at a bar or party and she tried to get me to dance, I asked if we could just have a conversation. Nine times out of 10, they didn't understand why I would prefer that to arbitrarily moving to music. And nine times out of 10, the relationship ended there.
God, I fucking hate dancing.
I actually just finished a script on Friday in which about eight pages is dedicated to how much I hate dancing. Then I had to watch the show tonight. That's like making the Pope perform an abortion.
I watched the show with my girlfriend. Everything else about her is awesome. She just happens to like one show that I think is almost as bad as MTV's Wild-N-Out. She watched the NCAA tournament with me all weekend. Fair trade.
Luckily, we only watched the first hour, then switched to a PBS documentary on the Iraq and Afghanistan wars. During the hour, I was entertained while people weren't dancing. Every time they showed Adam Corolla, I laughed. He's really funny, and I think he must have lost a bet. I can't see him agreeing to do the show otherwise. He also called one of the judges a "bitch" last week. That's gangsta. That's gully.
Steve Gutenberg was on the show. Yes, Mahoney. Mahoney kept saying corny things, but I insisted he was joking, while trying to sleep with his instructor. I'm still pretty sure he slept with his instructor, and her mom. Long story. However, I now know he wasn't joking when he was being corny. After the judges gave their negative critiques, he responded that he's still having a great time and "This show makes the world a better place." He went on to say it again. He was serious. How? How does this show make the world a better place? It's mindless entertainment. There's nothing wrong with mindless entertainment in moderation, but it's not feeding refugees and giving people health insurance. And it's not keeping the Pope from performing all those abortions. What? How is it improving the world, Mahoney? Mahoney!!!
I agree with Ricky Gervais about the nature of these shows. He made an impassioned speech in the Extras special that sums up celebrity shows essentially as an aide to the downfall of culture. And here it is.

The show features a British judge. Sounds similar to another show that also makes the world a better place. He is also jeered by the audience, much like Simon Cowell. What makes the jeering funnier than Cowell's is the fact that no one in the crowd knows anything about ballroom dancing, but they act like they do. There's no way they do. Only like 10 people in the world do. The old British guy is one of him. But people booed when he told Penn Jillette that his footwork was shoddy. People booed as if they had any idea of the difference between a good quick-step and a bad quick-step. I watched and I don't really understand how a quick-step differed from the other dances, or why anyone would want to do any of them.

Section 3
Taco Bell needs to hire a new ad firm. Last year, they coined my favorite stupid term of the past few years; "Fourth Meal." It's so stupid that I use it all the time. Never in reference to Taco Bell though.
I started a boycott of Taco Bell almost four years ago when they towed my car for no reason. Eventually I gave in to the glory of the Chicken Mexi-Melt. Fourth Meal reinstated the boycott. Now I say the phrase as a joke to friends. Someone asks if I'm hungry. I reply, "I could really go for some Fourth Meal." They laugh. I laugh. We have a good time. Then we have fourth meal.
Now Taco Bell has a commercial, touting the "Melty cheese" in their newest creation. Melty? The word is "melted." It's a real word and it means what they want it to mean. No need to invent new words. I'm picturing a creative team sitting around, saying, "We need to make up a word that describes the process that occurs when something is heated until it changes shape." Melted? "That's gay. Nope." Umm, melty? "Perfect."
Melty sounds like a 5-year-old is running their creative department. "Try our tacos, with yummy-yummy-in-my-tummy lettuce, and yucky-yuck onions."
It reminds me of a Discovery show I saw on Budweiser Breweries. I swear a 5-year-old wrote the script. At one point, the narrator said, "Meanwhile, back at the brewery, it was nervous time." Nervous time? Really? This happened during the writers' strike. Maybe that's the cause. 5-year-old scabs.

Section 4
I have been firm in my belief that Detroit is the worst city in the country for a number of years. Since making that first declaration, I have since been to Baltimore, Jacksonville, Newark and Pittsburgh. None are even close to Detroit. I have a new piece of evidence. I was watching a Pistons game on the motion picture box, when they cut to the rafters. There's a number 10 hanging in the rafters, retired, with the name Bon Jovi written on it. The city has created a banner in Bon Jovi's honor, and assigned it a number. If they actually were retiring Bon Jovi, they would be the greatest city on Earth. But that's not what they were doing. They're only encouraging him.

Section 5
I went to the Philadelphia Museum of Art. There was a group of eight or nine 9th-10th graders there. When in line behind them, they kept saying, loudly, in line at an art museum, "Air-born." They said it in the cadence that a thug like you or I would say, "West-Side." They also did a gang sign that looked like 3M. Poor name choice. 3M is already taken by the creators of Post-Its and Scotchguard. Not gangsta. Also while in line, they sang popular R+B songs. That was delightful. However not as delightful as when one girl proclaimed, "They's a Chinese girl dat ca' sing good." That's four grammatical errors in an eight word sentence. Astounding.
But the coup de grace occured in a room that housed Van Gogh's and Monet's. They were posing in front of the pictures, as if they were shooting Glamour Shots. At one point, all of them gathered together for a group picture, similar to this, plus two girls in the front, standing back-to-back, making a kissing face at the camera.

The picture isn't the aformentioned coup de grace. That occured directly thereafter. Sandwiched between 20 or so of the world's most famous paintings, the kids started doing the Soulja Boy. My girlfriend and I laughed, as we'd been studying them like Jane Goodall all afternoon, and the study had just climaxed. Everyone else was horrified.
Sidenote: One of my younger brothers was talking about Soulja Boy, whose full name is "Soulja Boy Tell'em," whatever that means. My step-dad corrected him. "Soldier Boy." "Nah, it's Soulja Boy." My step-dad asked how it's spelled. When he heard, he put his head in his hands and said, "It always seems like things are getting better. Then one person sets the whole race back." That's a good point. For every person Obama inspires, Soulja Boy retardifies another.

Section 6
This is weird, but I like the phrase "bedside manner." I don't want it to be the first thing that people say about me, but I would like for it to be second or third. What's Ryan like? "He's unbelievable at Madden. He can make an omelette that will make you smack your mama (another phrase that I love). And he has great bedside manner.
I just like it. It's an intangible. Like when you're watching a basketball game and the announcer says, "The things he does don't show up in the box score. He leaves it all on the floor."

Section 7
I may have already written about this. I don't care. I'm doing it again. I was in Dunkin' Donuts, and overheard an old man say, "Man, he's got some dick... It's like he won the lottery or something." I assume that I misunderstood him. But I will never acknowledge that.

Wednesday, March 19, 2008

Apartment in Brooklyn

If you're looking to move to Brooklyn into a building with other comics, you might be interested in this email from Craig Baldo.
"Anyone looking to sign a lease and move into a 2-bedroom apt for between
$1600-$1700. Right on the Montrose stop (Bushwick) of the L-train (13
minutes to Union Sq). Let me know. I'm brokering again for my landlord."

This is a great place to live and a great deal. Email him at craigbaldo@earthlink.net if you're interested.

New Crucial Element Stuff

We just posted another song. It's about Governor Spitzer and his ho. The title is Client #9. It's on the Crucial Element Myspace page . Check it out when you get a chance. It's hilarious. Ghost has discovered a new spoken-word style that is The Streets meets RZA. Oh yeah, the song features Buffalo Bill, from Silence of the Lambs. Scheck it out.

And in case you didn't already see this, it's a video of Crucial Element brushing up on their reading, and discussing Eliot Spitzer.

Comical Radio March 28 - with Brian Posehn and Craig Shoemaker

Hey. If you're interested, I'll be on Comical Radio next Friday, March 28. Actually, even if you aren't interested, I'll still be on. You know what I mean. Anyway, the show is on the radio that you have in your car, if you car is in NYC. It's also on the Internet that you have on your computer, everywhere.
It's a great show that has featured George Carlin, Chris Rock, Colin Quinn, etc... I'll be on with Brian Posehn and Craig Shoemaker. Brian is one of the Comedians of Comedy. He was on Mr. Show and many other things as well. He's hilarious. I've never seen Craig, but I've heard nothing but great things about him. Listen to the show. Go to the Comical Radio website for listening info.
And one last thing. Keep it gully.

Tuesday, March 18, 2008

New Crucial Element Video

Don't say I never did anything for you

This is, for some reason, Japanese people singing "We Are the World." It's funny because they're trying to look and sound like the American pop stars who made the song famous. The Japanese Bruce Springsteen and Cindy Lauper are my favorite.



Al sent this to me and said, "I believe this one redeems the time Shaq mocked Yao with gibberish Chinese.

("When Shaq Mocked Yao?" Isn't that the title of a Marquez novel?)

Get LOST in my blog... heyo

-This is hilarious. I read a website called politicalwire.com . They post a Quote of the Day. This was yesterday's.
"Anybody who looks at the two cases will see there is an enormous difference between the two of them."

-- Sen. David Vitter (R-LA), quoted by the New Orleans Times-Picayune, on why his prostitution scandal is not the same as that of New York Gov. Elliot Spitzer (D).

The only difference is their political parties, and Spitzer brought a New York City hooker(keeping money in the community) to DC, whereas Vitter utilized some homegrown D.C. talent. Oh yeah, and Vitter refused to step down, claiming God forgave him and said it's okay. That is the "enormous difference" in the two cases. One had God's blessing. "As long as they're good Christian whores..."

-Last night, I was checking the news while at a show. I saw a headline that the new NY Governor has admitted to an affair, "Just hours after being sworn in." I opened the story and this is the picture that came up.


My natural reaction to seeing such a picture was to turn to the comic next to me, show it to him and ask, "Does the new governor have Downs Syndrome?" I said it because of the blank look on his face, the crazy eyes, and the fact that he's facing the wrong direction.
It turns out that not only was that a stupid question, but also what the streets like to call "a dickmove." The comic responded, "Oh yeah, isn't he blind?"
Hmm... That would explain the crazy eyes. Shouldn't journalists have to state that he's blind in every article? Just to tip people off. I know we're a p.c. society, who frowns on acknowledging differences. But the guy is blind. Just start every story with, "Governor Patterson, who can't see things...," "Blind Governor Patterson...," or, "Governor Patterson was in Albany today, although he wouldn't have known if he were anywhere else..."
Same thing with Heather Mills McCartney. Just tell people up front that she only has one leg. Then people won't make jokes about the fact that she has a horse face and just happens to appear to trot, instead of walk like a normal human.
-Last night, a tall person, with whom I'm acquainted, started talking to me. But it was weird. The talking wasn't weird. While talking to me, he kept reaching out to shake my hand. When our hands would make contact, he would pull away. Then he would put it out there again, all while telling me a story. This handshake attempt faltered four times before I realized that he wasn't trying to shake my hand at all. He's just way taller than me and that's where his hands happen to be at all times. So, to him, it looked like I was trying to hold his hand over and over and over.
-There are two reasons that I hadn't written any comedy blogs for two weeks. The first reason is the issue with my brother, which I wrote about during that period. The other reason is LOST. If you haven't seen it, do it. Don't watch the new ones though. Start with the first episode and work forward. You don't even have to buy the DVDs. They're all free on the ABC website.
My girlfriend recommended the show to me months ago. I didn't get around to watching it for a while, because Oz is the only TV drama that I've ever liked. I didn't give the show a chance. Then I watched two episodes and was hooked. My friend, Matt, let me borrow the first three seasons (72 episodes, and 54 hours). I watched them in 10 days. That's with two down days. One day, I watched 13 episodes. My roommate did the same. Anyone who has seen the show will attest that it is incredible.
The problem is that during the course of those 10 days, it ruled my life. I stayed up until 5am to watch and woke up at 9am to watch more. I accomplished nothing else. Not only has it taken over my time, but also my mind. Evidence...
-I was watching an episode at 3am last week. It was a freaky episode. Then I heard something fall, coinciding with something in the show. I yelled at my roommate, who had been sleeping for hours, "Quincy! Quincy! What the hell was that? Quincy! What just happened?" I ran out of the room I was watching in, turned on all the lights and examined the apartment for trouble. Found nothing. I went back to the room I was watching in to discover the "trouble." Quincy's coat fell off the couch.
-I thought a sleeping guy on the bus was dead, because he wasn't waking up easily. My thought process was, "Why do I keep finding all the dead people? Now I have to explain this to Jack. He'll think I had something to do with it."
-Just after watching an episode in which a character is playing "Wonderwall" over and over, on the island, and in London's Underground, I went to the Subway. As soon as I walked in, there was a guy singing "Wonderwall." I realize it's a coincidence, because it's a very easy song to play. It still freaked me out a little.
-I've had LOST dreams every night since then. All but one time, I've been a survivor in another great episode. Except for two nights ago when I dreamed that I was watching the show. Re-read that sentence. Least proactive dream ever.
-Two things I've noticed about the show. 1) By now, almost all of the characters would have died of brain damage from all of the concussions they suffer. Most of the lead characters have been knocked out at least 10 times. The brain can't take that. 2) Whenever there is a disagreement, almost all of the characters underestimate the power of reason. They don't even bother presenting their arguments. Instead, they just knock the other person out. That will gain the other person's trust.

Monday, March 17, 2008

Correction

When I wrote my first blog about my brother (who should be released sometime this week), I stated that President Bush is on what I consider to be the right side of the argument. After seeing the trailer for this Chinese immigration documentary, I withdraw that statement. Watch the trailer.
http://www.goldenventuremovie.com/quicktime_trailer.htm

New Videos on YouTube

I just put up 22 minutes from a set at the DC Improv. It's divided into three clips. Enjoy and forward to 7 friends right away and someone will come to see you. If you don't forward it, you will have bad luck for 7 weeks. Seriously. I didn't believe it at first, but my friend didn't forward it and he just got fired from Dairy Queen. I swear.
http://youtube.com/watch?v=F-e-nMc4TW0
http://youtube.com/watch?v=LKX1iauHmaU&feature=related
http://youtube.com/watch?v=pWcGp1kQEwE&feature=related

Knock Three Times

-David Bowie is awesome.
-I was in the bus station in Manhattan on Thursday night, waiting to return to glorious Jersey City Heights. Two Vietnamese guys were sitting on a bench, having a conversation in Vietnamese. That is, all but two words were in Vietnamese. And those two were in English. The words that they chose to say in English were hilarious. The conversation went like this, and I'll substitute "blah" for the Vietnamese words, because I don't have a Vietnamese keyboard. And that's the only reason.
-"Blah blah blah blah blah."
-"Blah blah blah."
-"Blah blah?"
-"blah?"
-"Deez nutz!"
It was definitely nutz with a 'z'. This was followed with uproarious laughter, as it should have been. When has a Deez Nutz joke not killed? Never. If I could write Deez Nutz jokes, I would be the next Warren Buffett... or Bryson Turner. And this supports my theory that in any other language, "Deez nutz" loses its umph. It's like the English version of "je ne sais quoi." "What's he like?" I don't know. He has a certain deez nutz about him.

-In this article, John McCain actually said that Al-Qaeda might try to tip the election to the Democrats. That's a 10 out of 10 on the Fear Scale. And the Absolutely Retarded Scale(ARS). My friend, Al, and I used to be huge McCain fans, until he started saying things like this. Whenever he makes a comment like this, or changes his position 180 degrees on something like immigration, we say in the tone of war movie, "This would never happen if John McCain was still alive."

-At my show in Connecticut on Friday, there was a 5:1 girl-to-guy ratio. I'm turning into the John Mayer of comedy. I said that on-stage at the show. Then I remembered that John Mayer now does comedy, and is pretty good for a new comic. So I needed to pick a new artist to avoid confusion. I asked Erin Conroy (friend/comic who came with me to open the show).
She suggested, "The guy who old women love."
I asked, "Michael Buble?"
"No... Josh Groban."
Then I threw a ninja star at her face. Seriously, if anyone reading this ever compares me to Josh Groban, I will go to your apartment in Brooklyn after the show, make a chicken quesadilla, and shit four times in your bathroom. You don't want that to happen. Do you, Erin?

Josh Groban and I singing "Knock Three Times" at the grand opening of an Econo Lodge in East Lansing, MI.

-There's a restaurant in the East Village called, "Max Brenner: Chocolate by the Bald Man." And the sign features a silhouette of a clearly bald man, presumably one Max Brenner. I have two issues with this. 1: Max Brenner thinks that people know who he is. 2: Max Brenner thinks that the fact that he's bald is much more significant than it actually is. I can see him getting up in the morning and doing a daily affirmation. "When people think Max Brenner, what comes to mind? First, chocolate. Then, bald." I hope it never comes to that for me. People will ask, "Do you know who Ryan Conner is?" Yeah, he's the guy with hair. How can that be the most significant thing about anyone? Unless they're dead and have no personality to be remembered by? Then bald still couldn't be in the top two. Number one would be that he's dead. And number two would be cause of death. Hairstyle might crack the top 10.
The name of this restaurant really bothers me. To put it in perspective, have you ever seen a restaurant called, "Sid Wallers: Chicken by the Guy who Always Wears a Hat"? You'd think one of two things. 1: Who is Sid Wallers? Or 2: Oh, I know Sid Wallers. I guess he does always wear a hat. I never thought about that. It's like Max Brenner is one of those guys who tries to force a nickname on people. "Hey, the name is Max Brenner. My friends call me Bald Max. You can call me Bald Max. Keep it gully."

Worst Stand-Up Ever to be on TV

I had no idea Kevin Meaney was this bad. Watch it, for seriously.

Thursday, March 13, 2008

Update on my brother

There really is no update. He's still in detainment. ICE has told my family that they have no plans to send him back to China. That's a major victory. But why do they still have him in a jail? That's the question. None of this makes sense. He's been in jail for 10 days now. I'll post the next update as soon as I have it.

Monday, March 10, 2008

The outlook is positive

We're fairly confident that we'll receive good news on my brother today. I'll post the info here when I find something out. Thanks for the support over the past week.

Thursday, March 06, 2008

I'm starting to feel confident.

Although nothing has progressed with Dong's detainment, for the first time in 51 hours, I don't feel like I'm being chased by a someone with a gun. He will be locked up until at least Monday, but I think he'll be let go after that.
I'm not just feeling better because of the facts of his case(Work Permit and Green Card), but who is getting involved; Senators Jim Webb and Joe Biden. They are already easily my favorite two members of congress. I follow Biden like he's my favorite basketball team. I know these two Senators won't allow my brother to be deported. They wouldn't stand for it.
Webb's office already has a case worker on it. Someone in Senator Biden's office is going to brief the Senator on it today. I know they will make sure the right thing is done after hearing about it. I have 100% confidence in them.
Watch this clip of Biden and you'll understand my newfound calm. I've never seen a politician more passionate about human rights, or one who believes so strongly that we have a moral imperative to help those who can't help themselves.


This clip is just funny. After the statement, Giuliani's numbers started to plummet. People blamed it on his campaign strategy. This statement is what got the snowball rolling.

Wednesday, March 05, 2008

Developments

Here are the facts that I've just learned:
-My brother is being held in Virginia Beach. I don't know if he knows that, but my family now does. The lawyer has spoken to ICE and I believe the State Department, but as far as I know, not my brother.
-Dong's Green Card is already being processed.
-The officer who called for the arrest is the only person who can rule on bond or the deportation order. He's on vacation until Monday. Seriously. You work anywhere else and go on vacation, and someone fills in for you. Not at ICE. As a result, Dong will remain in jail at least until Monday.
-The ICE officer has the right to waive the deportation order once he's presented with the facts of Dong's case - Work Permit and Green Card. My question is, why wouldn't he already have that information before ordering the arrest? If the officer chooses to enforce the deportation, Dong has the right to appeal. He will then go before a judge who will make the ultimate decision. I can't see how anyone with a conscience could deport him.
-The lawyer has asked us to stay away from the media until after Monday. It's a good point. We don't want to anger the ICE officer, and allow his ego to influence his decision. After Monday, all bets are off.

When I talked to my friend Jim about the conditions of Dong's detainment, the arrest itself, the isolation, and the lack of access, his paused, then slowly said, "I must have read a different Constitution." I agree. Apparently it has changed recently.

Thanks again to everyone for your support. It means a lot.

Execution?

A few people have asked, "How do you know he'll be executed?" No one knows that for sure. But we do know it's a possibility. China is a country that executes more people each year (1,000-3,000) than the rest of the world does cumulatively over the course of a few years. And that's just their acknowledged executions. Any human rights organization will tell you that the number is much higher (estimates 5,000-12,000). Citizens randomly disappear. And China uses the organs of those executed for transplants, which makes the prisoner's lives seem more expendable. About a year ago, a law was passed in China forbidding the practice of organ farming. Is it enforced? I seriously doubt it.
Only North Korea gets heat, and only recently, for their gulags (concentration camps). You can read a great memoir about this in Kang Chol-Hwan's Aquarium's of P'yongyang. However, China too has many active gulags. They primarily force the prisoners to mine until they starve to death or die of black lung. I don't know why the world let's this happen, but it does. Perhaps because they make such great toys for our kids? People are sent to these gulags for what we would consider petty crimes and thought crimes. You aren't allowed to act, speak, or think against the government. Dong is guilty of all three.
With these facts before us, it's easy to conclude that execution is a real possibility.
And is being sent to a gulag any better than a firing squad? I think not.

My brother's whereabouts...

His lawyer just found out that he's being held in Virginia Beach. He supposed to get a hearing before a judge to decide if he can stay. The lawyer said he can't imagine a judge saying no to someone with my brother's flawless record. If the judge allows him to stay, it would negate the deportation order and everything will be fine. The issue is, when and where will this happen? They aren't giving us any of that info. They also haven't told us anything about when and where to post bond, which can be $1,500-$10,000. He's supposed to be able to get out on bond until his hearing. They are giving us zero info on the bond or hearing. How is this legal?

I forgot to mention this yesterday. Dong lives with my brother Ut, his wife Tam, and their 7-year-old daughter Juliana. Dong lives on the ground floor. Everyone else sleeps upstairs. The front door is next to Dong's room. When he answered the door for the ICE officials, it didn't wake anyone else up. Once he he was ready to leave, Dong went upstairs to tell Ut and Tam bye. He didn't want to upset Juliana, so he didn't wake her.

Ut and Tam walked Dong to the door. I don't know what they said to the officers. I'm sure Dong said nothing. Ut and Tam probably told them that what they were doing is wrong. I guess the officers thought they could get a three-for-one deal, and asked, "Where are you two from?"
"Vietnam."
"Are you legal?"
"I'm a US citizen," Ut replied. He got his citizenship in the 90s. "My wife has her Green Card and will be a citizen soon."

I don't know if it's legal for the ICE officer to make that inquiry without a warrant. It definitely isn't ethical. To look at someone who has dark skin and an accent and assume they aren't legal should be an immediate disqualification from being an ICE officer and pretty much any other job that exists. My brother should have told them to get a warrant. If he's going to try to destroy our family, we can at least try to ruin his day.

I'm sure Ut had a few choice words for the officer, once he was accused of being illegal. And rightly so. Back in 94-96, not sure which year, he locked his keys in his car in front of my mom's house. He and his friend were trying to unlock the door with a coat-hanger. Brent, one of my older brothers, and I were watching, as a police car happened to drive by. The officer turned on his lights, jumped out of the car, and my memory is telling me his gun was drawn, but I'd have to ask Ut for confirmation on that, and ran to Ut and his friend. He threw them onto the ground, yelling at them. I started freaking out, yelling at the officer. My mom ran outside, yelling, "What are you doing to my son?" Ut kept yelling, "This is my car! This is my car! I locked my keys inside!" The officer repeatedly told all of us to be quiet. My mom kept telling the officer to check his ID, which showed that he was at his house, trying to get into his car. The ordeal lasted probably 10-15 minutes. Eventually, they let my brother and his friend go, as they didn't commit a crime. Never did, and never have. Nevertheless, the officer approached as if he was apprehending a murderer.
My mom called the commissioner of police every day for weeks to file a complaint. She was blown off every time. No one in my family has trusted the police ever since.

A sad side story is that our niece, Juliana, still doesn't know what happened. Ut and Tam don't want to tell her because she will be too upset. They're hoping that it will be resolved soon enough that Juliana will think he's on a business trip. Dong has spent nearly every day of her life with her. When she was a baby, while Ut and Tam were working, Dong was trying to teach her to talk. For days, he would hold her and repeat, "Mama," trying to get her to repeat it. She eventually did and thought it was his name. She's called him Mama ever since. Kind of funny. But it's also like he's the third parent to Juliana.

Thanks from my entire family for the groundswell of support we've received.

I take back one of those cheers for Davis.

Only two cheers, and one of them half-hearted.
They reviewed his case from their correspondence years ago. Apparently, the previous deportation order does trump the Work Permit and pending Green Card. How? Why? Under what grounds does my brother deserve to be deported to a country where the best he could hope for is life imprisonment in a labor camp? Oh yeah, he was smuggled into the country, as a child, by a deadly gang. What a criminal. Maybe we can start rounding up Eastern European sex slaves and send them off for execution too. After all, they're engaging in prostitution. That is the logic of the US government in this matter. Sounds like the logic of a psychopath to me.
I'm beginning to think that the increase in recent deportations isn't really an increase, only an increase in media coverage of the deportations. I don't know. It could be that it isn't election year politics, but a failure of a system coming to light at a politically inconvenient time. Let's hope that our representatives in DC can muster up the compassion to deal with illegal immigrants in a humane way. And let's also hope that those who are absolutely opposed to the humanity of illegal immigrants (The Tancredo Team) meet an illegal immigrant or two and realizes that they're human. They have the same needs and wants as you and I. The only thing they lack is the opportunity to obtain them.

Update on Congressman Tom Davis

Three cheers for Tom Davis. He has taken a break from prosecuting cheating baseball players and is on the case. Because of his eagerness to help, I'm convinced that his previous dismissal of 'File the necessary paperwork and good luck,' was a case of him having too much faith in the system. And I can't fault him for that. He's supposed to have faith in the system. The good news is that he's helping. Let's just hope it isn't too late.

My mom is making tons of calls while I'm all over the emails. We're approaching the following people:
Senator Jim Webb: Unable to reach a human in his offices thus far.
Senator John Warner: Nothing yet.
Senator Hillary Clinton: Nothing yet. Dealing with in-state offices first. She has a great record on issues like this.
Senator Joe Biden: Same as Clinton. He's also the most outspoken member of the Senate on China. Very passionate. If our VA reps fail us, he may be the guy.

Congressman Tom Davis: On the case.

Virginia Governor Tim Kaine: Dong's governor in VA. I don't know his record on such things, but it can't help to contact him.
New Mexico Governor Bill Richardson: No one has been more outspoken about Chinese human rights abuses and immigration reform than Bill Richardson. In a presidential debate he went so far as to say that we should boycott the Olympics in Beijing. Not a sexy debate issue, which means he truly cares. If I could pick one person who I thought could definitely fix this, it would be Bill Richardson.

If anyone has any contacts in these offices, they would be greatly appreciated. We have the main numbers and are working from there. But if you know a legislative assistant, a chief-of-staff, anything, we would appreciate it.

A plea from my mom...

He came here as a 14 yr. old believing that he was coming to a better life and willing to pay the $30,000 (plus 33% interest) for passage here. He did not know or understand immigration laws. Since then he has educated himself, worked so hard, followed every law and repeatedly filed one petition after another for legal status. He faithfully files his taxes and sends the govt. a big check every April. He has a drivers license, car insurance, pays his personal property taxes and doesn't break laws. He has never tried to hide. He has been a part of our family for 14 years and now he has been taken from us! He's our son, brother and uncle and he has a life here. Please help! Why won't immigration let us know where he is and what is happening?

Tuesday, March 04, 2008

Updates on my brother/Corrections

Thanks to everyone who has reached out to help. My family is very appreciative.

Updates: It's been 18 hours, and we haven't been allowed to speak to him. Neither has his lawyer. No one even knows where he's being held. The ICE officer who arrested him isn't returning any calls.
Dong's lawyer informed us that if they searched his room and found his passport, they would deport him immediately, because the paperwork (for getting a passport) would already be done. One of my brothers searched his room. His passport was nowhere to be found. He also had no money at all in his room. ICE confiscates all money as well. This is not looking good.

I wrote everything this morning in one sitting, all based on memory. There were a few factual errors. None of which have any actual consequence, but here are the corrections from my mom:

-Ut came 2/2/89, not 2/2/88.
-Dong owed the mafia $30,000 (not $20,000), plus interest which was 33%. They gave him credit for earning $1,000/mo for working 18 hr. day/ 7 day/wk. He and 5 or 6 (not 12) other immigrants slept in an attic/crawl space (not studio apartment) above the restaurant. He actually called us a few days (not hours) before and said he wanted to run away and asked if we could come get him.
-The lawyer that was killed was an immigration lawyer who worked against the Snake Heads, but she wasn't his lawyer. It happened on the day before she went to trial, around the same time he was to do so. Hence the confusion.
-When he received his Work Permit, he also received a letter stating that he would receive a Green Card within 12 months.
-He applied for asylum immediately when he came to live with us, but his court date hadn't come up yet when he turned himself over to the Snake Heads (with the blessing of INS.) He was supposed to go to court after he went to NY, but they didn't let him go. The immigration court denied his request and issued an order for deportation. It wasn't issued after 9/11--it was issued in 1995 (In 2002, the situation was made to look more bleak. Deportations were starting to be enforced. I thought it was issued then). Since that time he has spent thousands of dollars on lawyers and has done everything possible to have his case heard or to get a work permit and green card.

How can you help?

A number of people have asked how they can help my brother. I think the best thing to do is to call your congressman's office. If you have any media contacts, that too would help.
Thank you.

Please Help My Brother

I was minutes away from writing a blog of funny observations, until I just received a distressed call from my mom. Instead, I'll be writing about something that is important.
It is very important to pay attention to what our government does. Many are apathetic, which is appalling, as its actions have consequences for all of us. Many who aren't apathetic only read the headlines. It is to those people that politicians use buzz-words and propaganda, namely fear-mongering, to get their vote.
Several issues of the day I find absolutely offensive. Because if everyone would just think through them, instead of acting on instinct, out of fear, then they would not be issues at all. These are all humanist issues, such as health care and immigration.
Let me just say that I've had at least nine friends serve in Iraq. One was killed. What happened this morning offends me much more. The pandering to a political base has hurt my family deeply, and possibly gravely.

Before I get into details, allow me to state that I'm not blaming this issue on the president himself. He cares deeply about the issue. The problem is that he seems to be the only person in his administration who has a conscience on this matter. And his isn't strong enough to speak out against the position of his party during an election year, when pandering equals votes.

I have 11 brothers. My parents are very compassionate people. They adopted four of my brothers at the same time, three and a half years ago. Their plan was to adopt a girl, but they saw four siblings, the sons of a drug-addict and prostitute, who were scared that they would be split up. My parents couldn't accept that. On the spot, they said they wanted to adopt all four. They didn't think about how they would raise another four kids at their ages. They only thought about how they could save these kids' lives. They have succeeded in doing so.
I have one biological brother, two step, and one half. I'm not going to talk about them here. Just wanted to straighten out the math for you. Here is a picture of all but one of us.


My other three brothers are Asian, as you can see from the picture. The shortest and lightest is Phong. He was a Vietnamese immigrant. He grew up in Saigon in a well-to-do family. When given the opportunity to immigrate, he came to the United States, while his mother went to Belgium. The other short Vietnamese brother is Ut. His story is very long, heart-wrenching and inspiring. I'll abbreviate, because this isn't about him. He lived in absolute poverty, in a village on the east coast of Vietnam. When he was 10-12, his mother paid a man to take he and his brother and sister to a refugee camp in Thailand. They were captured soon-after by the Viet-Cong. Facing execution, my brother escaped and navigated the Vietnamese jungle, by himself, bare-foot, until he arrived in Thailand and was directed to a refugee camp. Two years later, my family would welcome him as one of us. That was February 2, 1988. Now, 20 years later, he's an American citizen, an owner of a small, prospering business, and is proof that the United States is a great country.
Phong and Ut were introduced to my family through a great organization called Catholic Charities. Through the same organization, my parents also sponsored four entire Vietnamese families in their immigration to our country. This involved the families living with us, usually for a couple months each, until the kids were in school, the adults had jobs, and they could find a house of their own. We would continue to spend time with them over the years. One of the families had four kids. Two were 5-year-old twins, Thai-An and Than-An. The older siblings graduated from Virginia Tech. One is a mechanical engineer. The other works in biotechnology, I believe. Thai-An and Than-An were high-school valedictorians, and are now attending UVA on academic scholarships. If they didn't come here, they would have lived out their lives in thatch huts. Once again, proof that we live in a great country.
The taller Asian brother in the picture is Dong. He is Chinese. I've never been asked the question, but if someone was to say, "Who are your heroes or role-models?" I would have to respond that they are Ut and Dong. What my parents have done in changing so many lives is admirable, but I see it as doing what you're supposed to do. You're supposed to look out for other people. I don't see it as extraordinary, only right. Everyone should do it. Ut and Dong have overcome long odds, and have accomplished things that are absolutely awe-inspiring.
During the summer of 1994, Catholic Charities rang again, saying they had three Chinese refugees who didn't have a home. My parents offered to take care of all three until homes were found for two, and to take care of one unconditionally. Dong was the one who stayed. And I'm glad. I couldn't have asked for a better brother.
The only problem with Dong's immigration was that it was illegal. He was only 15-years-old, and didn't know it was illegal. His family was lied to by a Chinese human-smuggling mafia, called The Snake-Heads. Nevertheless, he was deemed a criminal. A child criminal who made no illegal decisions himself.
Illegal immigrants come across our borders from Latin American countries every day. Sometimes they are deported. And sometimes they return. That's because although they live in impoverished countries, at least their countries are free. Their countries do not punish them for wishing to lead a better life. This is an aside, but instead of building a fence, why don't we use that money to help bolster the Mexican economy to make their country a place that everyone doesn't want to leave?
Although the US government treats all illegal immigrants the same, they are not the same. Mexicans swim the Rio Grande. If they make it, they get whatever job they can find, and they are able to provide for their families. Immigrating from China isn't as simple. The Snake-Heads offer to send people to the US legally, offering all the necessary paperwork. It's only $20,000 USD, which is a small fortune in China. Dong's Chinese parents desperately wanted him to live a life free of Chinese communist oppression. They wanted him to have basic human rights. So they sent him to the US, after a down-payment of $10,000. The only problem was the astronomical interest rate on the remaining balance.
Dong and I shared a room and were in the same grade. When he arrived, he spoke less than 10 words of English, but read a few more words. He didn't find it acceptable to not be able to read English, considering that school would be starting up in two months. So, he borrowed a John Steinbeck novel from me, either Of Mice and Men or The Pearl. I don't remember which one. And he sat there for hours each day, Steinbeck in one hand, and an English-Chinese dictionary in the other, until he finished the book in time for school. I have never seen anyone show so much dedication to bettering themselves. I wish it inspired me as much then as it does now.
Dong was in ESL classes, except for math and health/p.e.. He was only 15, but knew calculus. They don't offer higher math in ESL. He got straight As. He read every day. He did whatever he could do to better himself.
During this entire year, he was dealing with INS (Immigration and Naturalization Services, now ICE), trying to sort out his immigration status. The sad part is that had he come from a different oppressive regime, he would have been granted political asylum immediately. However, due to our trade with China, we will not grant political asylum to Chinese immigrants.
During the summer of 1995, Dong was notified that his parents had fallen behind on the payments, due to the interest. The Snake-Heads gave him an ultimatum. Come work for them, or his entire family in China would be murdered. Sounds illegal, right? There is no prosecution of the Snake-Heads in China. And conveniently, none in the US either. He had no choice but to work for them to pay off his debt. With the same calm that he has demonstrated through every step of his naturalization, he left to work for the Snake-Heads in The Bronx. For the next three years, his lawyer would continue to work for his Green Card, while he was a slave in NYC. My family could do nothing but sit back and wait.
I talked to him almost every week that he worked in the Bronx. Along with about 12 other people in the same position, Dong worked in Chinese restaurant for 18 hours each day, 364 days a year. He had New Year's Day off. They slept in a studio apartment above the restaurant. The apartment was dead-bolted from the outside so that no one could escape. Dong would find time to sneak away to a pay-phone at night to call my parents and I. He always sounded like he was in good spirits. Even when he got robbed at gunpoint, which happened multiple times, once just after getting off the phone with me. The first year, he even sent me a birthday card from his slave quarters. I still have it.
After three years, his debt was paid off, however he was still kept as a slave, unable to leave. When he was assured that his family in China was safe, he planned an escape. He called my parents around 8pm, and asked them to pick him up in Times Square at 1AM. I guess he figured that if he held a camera, he would fit in in Times Square and the Snake-Heads wouldn't find him.
Upon returning to Northern Virginia, he immediately got his G.E.D. While his naturalization case continued, he went to college. Unable to acquire loans because of his status, he paid for it out of his pocket. He excelled and got every networking certification imaginable, including the top Cisco certification, which at the time would have landed him a starting salary around 125K. However, due to his immigration status, he wasn't able to get that job. Unabated, he continued to study everything about networking. He studied for hours every day, preparing for when he could actually use his skills. I didn't even understand the titles of some of the books, and I was studying Computer Science at George Mason at the time, albeit only for a semester.
In 2002, due to the immigration crackdowns after 9/11, a deportation order was issued. He had not committed a crime. The Snake-Heads committed the crime, however were not prosecuted. He paid taxes. Got an education. He wanted to be an American, but was denied.
His lawyer filed an appeal. As the appeals process started, our Congressman, Tom Davis, pushed for and successfully got a Green Card for another constituent in the exact same position. My mom and Dong wrote to him. His reply stated that he had already done it for one person and that should be enough.
I haven't yet stated the importance of Dong not being deported. This is the issue. If he is sent back to China, he will be obtained, tortured and executed for treason. That's why this is so important. My brother did nothing wrong and is facing a possible execution if the US government, to whom he has paid taxes for years, doesn't stand up for him.
After being rejected by Tom Davis, my mom wrote to a Congressman who had been a family friend for about 40 years. This guy, Virgil Goode, used to be a good person. Now, if you Google him, you'll see that he's probably the most hate-filled, intolerant member of Congress. Another Congressman, Mark Kennedy, from Minnesota, tried to help. He was a great guy, but was unable to do anything because Dong wasn't his constituent. He said Davis had to be the one to do it. He even talked to Davis, but Davis refused. So, Mark Kennedy:1, Davis:0, Goode:0.
With no Congressional help, it was time for Dong's case to go to trial. On the morning before the trial, his lawyer was murdered. His body was later found in Rock Creek Park. The Snake-Heads did it, but the case was marked as "unsolved." The trial was delayed.
The appeal had been processing for years. Everything looked great when President Bush presented his immigration reform proposal. It would have provided Dong with a Green Card, which would spare his life. However, the Republican establishment would have none of his proposal. It was dead on arrival.
Then McCain and Kennedy co-sponsored reform that would have done the same thing. It did not get passed either, due to receiving no Republican support in the Senate, other than Hagel, McCain, Specter, Lugar, and I think Olympia Snowe. Not enough to override a filibuster.
My family was devastated when this legislation didn't pass. But a few months ago, it seemed that it didn't matter. Dong was granted a worker's permit, which was sure to lead to a Green Card. I can't say that I was ever more excited than when I heard that news.
Now that the campaign is in full-swing, even McCain has turned his back on illegal immigrants. It is shocking. And with orders from the top, the Department of Homeland Security has begun to deport illegals at alarming rates, a sure election-year tactic. Dong seemed to be in the clear, because of his worker's permit.
My mom called this morning with different news. Dong was arrested at his house at 6AM by DHS officials, and taken into custody. He called my mom and told her not to worry about him. He insisted that everything would be fine. We all know what will happen if he's sent back to China. The US Government knows. Anyone who wants to know, knows. South Park did an episode about this. The information is out there, but ignored.
Not only was he taken into custody, but they won't tell him, or my family, where he'll be held, for how long, why, or anything. All they'll say is that his earlier deportation order trumps his work permit. My mom hasn't been able to speak to any DHS official, only voicemail. Dong wasn't able to speak to his lawyer directly. But the lawyer was given the order to do whatever he has to do.
The irony of this is that there are millions of American criminals in this country. There are countless Americans who hate the country. There are tens of millions of Americans who don't know how lucky they are to live here. They take it all for granted. There are also thousands of illegal immigrants who are criminals. Millions of illegal immigrants don't pay taxes. Dong was arrested this morning because he does everything by the book. That's how DHS knew where he was. He pays taxes. The government knows who he is and where he is, because he pays taxes. He never hid anything because he's trusted the government to do the right thing. Dong does everything a citizen should do, and he's been prosecuted, while the murderous Snake-Heads roam free.
This could have been prevented if the Republicans in Congress had followed President Bush's lead and passed immigration reform that was in the best interests of humanity. Instead, my brother, Sun Tao Dong, an example of what all Americans should strive to be, now faces a possible execution. We are a government that speaks out against political imprisonment, but are aiding and abetting to a political murder. All this because of politicians who would rather win the votes of intolerant ethnocentrists, than serve the better interests of all people.