MySpace is taking over the world

I just got off with a friend who said he was quitting comedy. He said something along the lines of, "I'm not having fun anymore. I'm not going anywhere with it. I'm done. I'm taking down my website. My MySpace has already been deleted. This is it. It's over."
And my instant reaction was, "You took down your MySpace?!?!"

It turns out that he isn't really quitting anyway.

Pathetic Obama Attack

I just wanted to share this before it hits the mainstream media. This is an ad attacking Obama. It will soon spread via the Internet and TV. It's made by the same people who brought you the despicable Willie Horton ad in 1988. 

This will succeed in scaring some people, but hopefully they are the same people who already won't vote for him. It's a pathetic attack, and it's pathetic that it will work on some people. 

Voting against capital punishment doesn't show a weakness on crime. It shows that you're for a different type of punishment. Executions do not deter crime. Every study on capital punishment indicates this to be true. It's a way of reacting to crime, instead of proactively trying to root it out. Wanting to execute criminals does not mean that you're "tough on crime." Don't fall for this garbage.

It's a zoo out there!

-I was in DC last week for shows. On Thursday, my friend Jay asked me to come by his work to help him with some computer stuff. I got there, along with my friend Al, only to discover that he didn't need help. So I thought Al and I would get lunch and hang out with Jay when he got off work. Couldn't do that either. Jay had rehab after work. If you're keeping score, Jay has tried to ruin my day three times thus far. First, getting me to help him. Secondly, telling me he didn't need help once I was there. Thirdly, having to go to rehab, which caused Al and I to have five hours to kill before my show. So we did what any two late-20s males would do. We went to the zoo.
Zoo notes, in the order in which I wrote them, as we walked through the zoo:
*A group of about 15 women were on a Christian group zoo retreat. I'm not making that up. They had on shirts that said this. Who knew? Maybe it was a Noah's Ark study group or something. (If you haven't already read it, read my blog on Noah's Ark. You can search for it at the top of the page.)
The women were standing at the cheetah habitat. I read the cheetah information sign. It said that I could never take a cheetah in a staring contest. I didn't doubt this, as I'm an avid blinker, especially during allergy season. The sign boasted that cheetahs never blink. I looked over at the cheetahs. All of them had their eyes closed.
The women were teasing the cheetahs, saying things like, "Here kitty," and other assorted phrases that sounded like the beginning of a horror movie in which the world is overtaken by cheetahs. I was seriously terrified. I turned to Al, and said, "If they attack, we hide in the reeds behind us. You have to see the habitat. It really looks like the cheetahs could jump out anytime they want. Nothing about it seemed safe. I'm not saying they would jump out, and could do so easily. But if they missed a meal, I think they could figure it out. Stay away from the cheetahs.
*The Stanley Crane doesn't fuck around. It will fight you. It's billed as "a ferocious kickfighter." Never mess with a ferocious kickfighter, of any species.
*All cranes are dicks.
*"Dusty Baker works at the panda exhibit." - Al
*They have only a couple of most bird species, but they have about 60 flamingos. When we arrived, there was a 2v2 fight going on. It was crazy. Like WWF meets a prison riot. It WAS 2v2, like I said, until Mr Fuji (the manager of two of the flamingos) jumped in and dominated.
*I was sneezing and looking for a bathroom to blow my nose for over an hour, when we had a Dumb and Dumber moment. Al said, "I have tissues in my pocket, if you want some."
*There was a Vietnamese Fishing Cat habitat. Now, you're probably thinking, this must be some sort of lynx or something. Nope. Just a cat. It looked like a house cat, only slightly larger, like 5%. It was basically a homeless cat, which presents this question: Aren't all cats fishing cats if that's their source of food. If the cat lived in Saigon, it would be The Vietnamese Trash Rummaging Cat. It was a bullshit exhibit. But we watched this cat stalk fish for about 15-20 minutes. It never pounced though. It seemed like every time it was about to pounce, it looked over it's shoulder, as if to say, "Can't you just give me some food?" Every other animal is given their food. This is the only one who still has to hunt. That's pretty shitty, considering all this cat is, is a homeless cat. It has relatively no lifestyle upgrade. Then again, an exhibit of a cat eating Meow Mix might be pretty boring.
This presented the question of the humanity of zoos. People constantly protest animal captivity. They say it degrades the animals and is anti-instinctual. Sure, it's anti-instinctual, but is that bad? My argument for captivity is it eliminates survival as the basis for their lives. Their lifespans are extended exponentially, as they aren't constantly looking out for predators. They don't have to constantly hunt for food, and fight for it. They are almost the only non-human, non-domesticated animals who will die of old age. On the contrary, they must get pretty bored. Very bored. Then again, so must domesticated pets. If I had my choice of living a short, instinctual life, in constant danger, or being bored, in captivity, I'll take the zoo life. And don't anyone leave any comments equating this to A Brave New World. I'm talking about wild animals only.
*Al and I had to leave, but wanted to see the Primate House first. We asked two tourists if they knew where the primate house is. One of them responded, "Not sure where the primate house is, but if you go straight, and turn left right up there, you'll see the flamingos." I'm not sure that flamingos have ever been a suitable substitute for primates. If he said he didn't know where the primates were, but told me where the Great Cat House is, fine. I'll take a lion any day. That's an acceptable substitute. That's "Do you know where a Burger King is?" "No, but there's a Chipotle around the corner." Fine. Good substitute. The flamingo recommendation is, "Not sure about Burger King, but if you go straight, and turn left right up there, you'll see the flamingos."

-The older you get, the more important stool consistency becomes in your life. It continues to climb the ladder of important issues, until the last year of your life, when it is the most important thing in the world to you. Your life is a constant game of Metamucil measurement. I hope I die before stool consistency cracks my top 5. I don't think I could take it.
On a related, and possibly gross note to many of my readers (skip to the next paragraph if you are squeamish), I just dropped deuce that was roughly 24 inches long. I must have lost 5 pounds, at least - gained six inches on my vertical, as if I had removed ankle weights. It spiraled around the toilet like a pinwheel. I was very pleased with myself. I guess at this point in my life, I'm more of a stool length, instead of consistency guy. And stool length is firmly in my Top 5. I think this may have been the second most impressive thing my body has ever done, behind dunking on three people from nine feet out, during college. Yes, that was bragging.

-I saw an ad in Times Square for a movie called, "Made of Honor," with the tagline, "It takes a real man to become maid of honor." It was then that I questioned my career choice.
-Who likes coincidences?
Someone called from an unrecognized number yesterday. I answered. They said, "What's up, Ryan?"
"Not much, just reading."
"Did you go to South Riding yet?"
I didn't know who it was, but they knew who I was. So I thought I was supposed to go to South Riding, and played along. "No, not yet."
"I'm about to go over there now."
"Why do I need to go to South Riding?"
"For your paycheck. Wait, is this Hoss?"
"No. You must have the wrong number."
Then we both hung up. What are the odds that someone would call the wrong number and get the name right? They have to be slim. I'm glad I believe in coincidences and not signs. Otherwise, I would be in South Riding today, looking for paychecks and someone named Hoss. "Are you Hoss? I'm Ryan. The universe sent me."

I thought this section was going to be funny. It wasn't. But it was too long to delete. My apologies for you spending time to read it.

-Larry Poon had one of the funniest lines of ever, last week. He did something that had the crowd laughing hard, then he said, "Thank you. I'll be selling sweat after the show."

-My friend, Al, saw a guy on a unicycle last week. His reaction was, "There should never be technology that's worse than basic human function." And to that, I say 'Good point, sir.' It's almost impossible to walk slower than a unicycle. So what's the purpose of the unicycle? To let people know that deep-down, you're an asshole?

-I was watching Fox News for a few seconds, to see how long it would take until I was appalled. The answer was about five seconds. I don't remember the details of the story. There was a state delegate, or city councilwoman named Something Hooker. She said something that upset someone. Fox News posted a picture of her, in which she looked a little frazzled, with the caption, "Hooker touched a nerve."

New Language and Pro Wrestling

-Due to not having cable, I've watched dozens of basketball games online this year in Mandarin. And you would be surprised at how much of the language I've picked up. None. Nothing. Not one word. You would think that after about 30 hours of hearing the language, I would pick up at least one word. Maybe basketball, the or and. But the only thing I picked up was NBA, which in Mandarin is pronounced "N-B-A," with a Chinese accent.
-Seriously, even if you aren't into politics or professional wrestling, you have to check this out. All three presidential candidates were on Monday Night Raw last night. It was hysterical. Obama had one awkward line, and one really funny one. Clinton's remarks were painfully awkward. Very painful. And then there was McCain. McCain is probably the funniest of the three candidates (All three are very funny when not using prepared remarks). I was expecting McCain's statement to be pretty good. But it ended up being possibly the most awkward thing I've ever seen. That awkward. At one point, he said that people don't watch wrestling "because we're bitter," but because "wrestling is about celebrating our freedom." There's no way to direct-link to it, so go to the WWE site and find it. It will be worth it.

The results are in...

I've been MIA over the past few weeks, doing what we in the comedy business like to call "Market Research." After intensive study of the data, the board at ryanconnercomedy.com has decided that it is in need of a poll. Not a pole. Enough of the gay jokes, Rory. So, we've added a poll to the front page of the site. With the addition of polling data to my website, scientists believe that in no time, I will have close to one zillion Myspace friends. And scientists' kids believe that will make me cool. Take the Pepsi [Poll] Challenge!

Important Update on My Brother

After being assured that he would be released soon, his case was denied today. This, for someone who now has a Green Card. The lawyer will file an appeal today. If he's sent back, he will, at a minimum, be sent to a re-education camp. Our Justice Department knows that, but has no problem with it. Go figure, given the record of DoJ over the past few years.

This is the same request as five weeks ago. If you know anyone in the media or Congress, please contact them. We need your help.

Kashi Rules the World of Granola Cereals

- The American economy is crumbling. Western countries are moving to protest the opening ceremonies of the Olympics. One of the closest presidential primaries is taking place. People are starving. People are being murdered. However, I just went to CNN to discover that they have billed two turkeys fighting on a Maine highway as Breaking news. Breaking News: Wild animals following their instincts. I would expect this from Fox News. But et tu CNN?
I love how this is the news pattern, and every now and then they'll do a piece on the dumbing down of the country. I wonder why. It seems like the Washington Post is the only legit American news source now.
- I'm a UNC fan. So the Final Four was a disappointment for me. However, I did enjoy watching UCLA, because Kevin Love is built like an 80s wrestler. You don't see that much in basketball these days.


Which one is Kevin Love, and which is Greg "The Hammer" Valentine? I can't tell. Wrestling needs to bring back nicknames like The Hammer. They must be at a point where they'll have to start making fun of themselves. I used to watch in college, but had to stop because it got ridiculous. There was a group of girls called Hot Lesbian Action. They would go to the ring and make out. They were for the demographic that doesn't have the Internet. I'll start watching again when they have wrestlers with names like The Dorian Troll or Monster McGee.
- As a kid, my go-to Halloween costumes were always He-Man or Dracula. But every year, at least one kid in my class would be dressed as a hobo. I never realized how fucked up that is. That must make the poor kids in the class feel horrible. What are you supposed to be? "I'm pretending to be poor, like Jason, who can't afford a costume. Look! We're wearing the same thing. Isn't that funny?!" Then Jason goes on to not graduate from high school, and statutate a girl at a neighbor's party that he wasn't invited to in the first place. All because of a costume.
Maybe it's the jargon that prevents the stigma. If we were up-front and said the costume was a poor or homeless person, instead of a hobo, then people would stop doing it. But hobos don't even sound real anymore. Who hops trains in 2008? Hobos are almost like pixies now, minus the magic.

- I have a new favorite world leader: Vladimir Putin.
Backstory - I wrote about West-To-London, an adventure my friends and I plan to embark upon, a year ago. Read it here before continuing. A few months after writing that blog, the planning hit a road block. The idea for West-To-London was inspired by an episode of Extreme Engineering, in which a bridge that spans the Berring Strait is being built. Jim and I didn't finish the episode, because his girlfriend wanted to watch a remodeling show on TLC. How is that on The Learning Channel? Shouldn't it be on Lifetime or Oxygen? Another question for another day. Once we changed the channel, we opened up Google Earth and started planning our route. All systems were go. Then the same episode came on a few months later. I watched it, thinking it would get me more excited for the voyage. Wrong. It killed the plan, because it revealed that the bridge was only theoretical. It was Extreme "Theoretical" Engineering. It was the worst news I'd heard in a while.
This is where Putin comes in. He is proposing a tunnel that spans the Berring Strait. Before this, he was my most-hated world leader (other than the REALLY bad ones). If this tunnel is built, I will forgive him for his cronyism, running his country like the mob, and setting the country back years. In fact, I might start naming things Vladimir. Other peoples' pets, kids, refrigerator, whatever. It's called Vladimir now.

- And now, it's time for links.
This is a great story about a survey of 109 historians on the legacy of the Bush presidency. Since they're famous historians, they know everything about every president. I figured they would place Bush somewhere in the bottom 5-10. But it appears that historians think he's even worse than the general public does. Only two out of 109 rate the presidency favorably. All of the others hate him like they're members of Code Pink. One historian even drops an F-bomb in his explanation.
“George Bush has combined mediocrity with malevolent policies and has thus seriously damaged the welfare and standing of the United States,” wrote one of the historians, echoing the assessments of many of his professional colleagues. “Bush does only two things well,” said one of the most distinguished historians. “He knows how to make the very rich very much richer, and he has an amazing talent for f**king up everything else he even approaches. His administration has been the most reckless, dangerous, irresponsible, mendacious, arrogant, self-righteous, incompetent, and deeply corrupt one in all of American history.”

Seriously, read it.


-And a great read on particle physics. It's not as nerdy as it sounds. It's about the soon to be discovered, Higgs Boson particle, which has been hypothesized as that which gives matter its mass. It's been dubbed the "God Particle." The only way the Higgs boson field can be observed is when the energy is astronomical. So, a particle accelerator has been built outside Geneva that will force particles to collide at 99.9999% the speed of light. This is essentially recreating the Big Bang. Somehow it's only in a British paper. And CNN is covering turkey fights.

-Awesome video of bioluminescent fish and shape shifting octopi. An octopus completely changes its color, shape and texture, to look like coral. It's incredible.

-A PBS documentary called Bush's War. It can be viewed online.

-An article about an overwhelming majority of doctors supporting single-payer universal health care. The main argument against it, which is really just propaganda from the insurance industry, is that quality of care will decline. I've written about this before. Quality of care will not and cannot go down by covering more people. It absolutely can't. It's a slap in the face of the medical community to suggest that. The other argument is that doctors' pay will drop. It probably would drop a little. But doctors don't get into their field for money. Some may, but I bet it's less than 5%. This survey backs that up.

-A Christopher Hitchens essay on Hillary Clinton lying, I'm sorry, "mis-speaking," about being under attack in Bosnia, after the war was over. I don't understand how this hasn't been a bigger story. Republicans aren't touching it yet, because if she gets the nomination, she will be branded a pathological liar right out of the gate. She won't be able to refute it. It's sad. If you haven't seen the video yet, look it up. If anyone is on the fence between her and Obama, this issue of integrity should settle the score.

The Iron Shiek goes crazy

This is the Iron Shiek on Howard Stern. Apparently the guy is crazy now. Possibly drugs. Artie Lang is pretending to be Macho Man Randy Savage, who according to the Iron Shiek is a, "Son of a bitch, no good motherfucker... Jew... Fag."