Current events;)

-Even Bill O'Reilly seems to be coming down on the side of gay marriage. Video here.

-Awesome pictures of President Bush at the Air Force Academy Graduation that are proof that while he may be a bad president, he would be a really fun uncle.

-Proof that a lot of people are stupid, according to a Pew survey:
"22 percent believe President Bush knew about the 9/11 attacks in advance.
30 percent believe Saddam had weapons of mass destruction.
23 percent believe they've been in the presence of a ghost.
18 percent believe the sun revolves around the Earth."

-Hillary Clinton's claims that sexism is trying to force her out of the race is angering me to the point of self-implosion. She started the race as the front-runner by roughly 30%. Now most polls have her down by 10%-18%. Is it sexism or bad campaigning? I think it's obvious.
She began the campaign with almost 50% of the electorate viewing her unfavorably. That, and piss-poor strategy, has killed her campaign. She isn't likable and is transparent in her guile. Listen to Radiohead's "A Drunken Punch-Up at a Wedding." It seems to be about her. The first words are "Hypocrite opportunist..."
Another mark against her is self-victimization. She constantly claims sexism, and has no evidence to back it up. Her first two claims were that people were ganging up on her in a debate. When you make hypocritical statements and are the front-runner, that's how debates work. Her other complaint was that it was somehow sexist that she had to field the first question at a debate. Ever heard of "ladies first"?
I saw two reporters on PBS debating the sexism issue last week. They were both female. One claimed sexism. The other said it was a bad campaign. One cited evidence. The other didn't. Anyway, if the show allowed callers, I badly wanted to call and say, "It's not that people are sexist. That's not the issue here. It's just that women whine so much. That's why men don't like her." But I think the irony would have been lost.
One of Obama's clear strengths is that he steers clear of victimization. He could say that he's not getting votes because of race. It's true. Every poll shows that southerners and people without a college-degree are much more likely not to vote for him because of his race. In WV, PA and IN, between 12-22% of Democrats said they wouldn't vote for a black man. Obama could easily cite this. But he chooses to take the high road and focus on positive issues. Meanwhile, Hillary Clinton refuses to denounce the racist voters who are on her side solely because of race. There is a precedent for this. John Edwards came forward early in the primary season and stated that if someone was going to vote for him because they didn't want to vote for a black man or a woman, then he didn't want their vote. It is possible to have integrity in politics. It's hard to win with integrity. But you can have it.
The bottom line is that 50% of the electorate are female. More than 50% of voters are female. Far more than 50% of primary voters are female. Compare those numbers to that of the African-American electorate. Who has the steeper climb?
Also, I asked my girlfriend if she thought people were being sexist towards Clinton. She said, "No. Definitely not. Are these the socks you wanted me to mend?"

Fox News Casino and Bachelor Party Wrap-Up

-Leave it to a Fox News pundit to purposely call Barrack Obama, "Osama," then when corrected, suggest that we kill both. This is the most reckless thing I have EVER seen on TV. I don't understand how the network can still be taken seriously by so many people.



-The NY Post, which is the Fox News of newspapers had a hilarious back-page headline last week. It's a magazine-style newspaper, so the back is readily visible. It was a picture of Carlos Beltrain, of the Mets, swinging a pink bat, and wearing a pink wristband, in support of breast cancer awareness. The headline: "One in the Pink!" I swear this happened.

I'm now going to lump NY Post editors with Fox News correspondents as people who are awful at covering news, but would be awesome blackjack dealers. If there was a Fox News casino, I wouldn't dream of visiting one of their competitors. Shepherd Smith(news personality whom I would most want to hang out with) would be telling vulgar jokes the whole time, while sneaking shots whenever the pit boss isn't looking. And his signature would be his nicknames for everyone who plays at his tables. I think an accurate sample of nicknames Shepherd Smith would give to people would be: Kangaroo Jack, Choda, Lucky-Nutz, Lights Out, Johnny Danger, Rude Judy, Runaway Ralph, Lenny (Of Mice and Men), Liberace, Chairman Mao, and Chester (the Molestor). And about once every 20 minutes, he would ask, "But seriously, where are the bitches? Cocaine is fun." Then everyone would ask "How is he a prominent news anchor?" And he would respond, "I have no idea," as he sneaks a shot of Jager.

Bill O'Reilly would be the blackjack dealer who thinks he's clearly paid his dues and should be a pit boss by now. Whenever someone stays on 16 while the dealer is showing 10, he would look at every other member of the table and say, "What a dumb son of a bitch!" And the guy would ask what he did wrong. Then O'Reilly would stare him down for about five seconds before muttering, "You disgust me."

Brit Hume would be the pit boss who is next in line to manage the entire casino. He's the type of guy who walks up to people when they're on their break, gooses them in the ribs and says, "Workin' hard, or hardly workin'?... Oh, you dog, you!" As he's walking away, he mumbles to himself, "I need a Scotch. They won't let employees drink the Glenfiddich. It's bullshit." One of the dealers overhears him, but only catches a couple words. He asks what he said. Brit keeps walking, but exclaims, "Play to win!" Then he goes on his Glenfiddich rant again. It's a vicious loop.

I would describe the other anchors, but I'm not sure that there's a market for this.

- I have some more notes from last weekend's bachelor party in the Outer Banks. Unfortunately, I've decided not to post any quotes or recollections from the Luoma Debate, which is part of an annual election my friends and I have between twin friends of ours. Every election day we elect the best Luoma of the year. They reign over Luomastan for the next year. Jim's followers are the Jimocrats. John's are the Johnicans. Some of the funniest things I've ever heard were said during this debate, however Jim and John have jobs that might be compromised by the information being on the Internet. So, you'll only have to imagine what the line, "She's already had twins once," was in reference to. The same goes for, "She asked if I had a condom. I did have a condom."

Only debate remarks: Before the debate started, Jim and John decided to get into wardrobe. Jim put on a golf shirt, tucked it in and slicked his hair back. John put on a red do-rag, with a red pirate skully over it, and sunglasses. Jim's opening remarks were very eloquent and succinct for such a tenacious stutterer. John, on the other hand, reminded everyone that he brought the contraband to the party.

During the drive to the Outer Banks, some people in the back of the rental van decided to drink beer while were driving. In Virginia and North Carolina, it's legal to drink in moving vehicles as long as you aren't driving and cops don't see you. John had to pull over to throw up after two beers. He's 27-years-old.

We stopped at a convenience store outside Norfolk. John bought a red do-rag. In certain parts of the country, the colors red and blue carry more significance than in other parts of the country. This was one of the former parts of the country. I forgot to mention that John is white. He also bought sunglasses with snakes on the earpieces.

When we arrived at the house, owned by Glen's father-in-law, we discovered the hot tub. Jim Luoma and I decided we would hop right in. Meanwhile, John Luoma, forgot swimming trunks. So, he took off his shorts, presenting us with a nice pair of lily-white briefs. Why, we asked. He replied. "I didn't want to look stupid." I still don't understand his reasoning. For the next 20 minutes, seven guys hung out on the deck around the hot tub, occasionally remarking on how gay it was that Jim and I were in the hot tub together. They did this until Jim or myself pointed out that it's much gayer for seven guys to watch us hanging out in a hot tub.

I sent a text to my girlfriend that said, "I just farted on Jim's head. It's officially a party."

The next day at lunch, I noticed that the menu said "bwwf." Someone said, "Hmm, must be a typo." I thought about it for a second and said, "Oh, 'E' is next to 'W' on keyboards." John Luoma asked, "What does that have to do with anything?"
"It's a typo. It's supposed to say beef."
"Oh, I thought you were talking about music," John replied. I don't know what he was talking about.

The restaurant had a sign on the wall that read, "A day in the country is worth a month in town." That's ambiguous. Are they saying that a day in the country is so dreadful that it feels like a month? I don't think that's what they're going for. But that's how it comes across to me.

After lunch, we went to a beach/kite shop. Jim and John disappeared. As I walked up the stairs, I could begin to hear them, not only because they're both nearly deaf, and are always loud, but because they were dressed as pirates and having a sword fight, as children watched. They ended up buying the pirate skullys, two huge pirate ship kites, and two foam swords, just in case.

When we got back to the house, Jim tried to fly the kite by dropping it off the deck. Jim is a member of MENSA, a society of certified geniuses. Physics is not his forte. This is a non-sequitor, but Jim and I have a bet going. He took the MENSA test because of a drunken bet, not because he's a douchebag. He and I made a similar bet. He'll pay for my MENSA test. If I don't get in, I have to wear a shirt that says, "I'm not as smart as Jim Luoma," every time he and I are together for a year. If I get in, Jim has to wear a shirt that says, "Ryan Conner's IQ puts me under the MENSA." Mensa means "table" in Latin. So, the shirt is only funny to Latin speakers. But it's really funny to them. It's a niche shirt.

Back to the bachelor party.

After returning from the kite store, we went to the beach. Some of us got into the 50 degree ocean to boogie-board, in an attempt to re-enact a 1993 movie that was never made. Others played horseshoes. Jim Luoma discovered that his primary talent as a human is throwing horseshoes. He was unbelievable. Ringer after ringer. It's too bad that he lived for 27 years before discovering his talent. And when the time came, his talent was throwing horseshoes. A talent that only comes in handy about once every three years while surrounded by drunk people. Many men have committed suicide for less.

Spanky and I were in the ocean, boogie boarding. This was when I got one of the greatest ideas of our generation. I stood a couple feet from him and asked, "Do you feel that?" Feel what? "I just peed." He lost it. It looked like he was being chased by bees.

Before going out that night, the Luoma's decided their kites needed to be flown. So, they got Glen to drive the van, while they opened the back hatch, sat in it, and flew the kites as they drove down the highway. That's a great idea.

After a long day of bachelor partying, some went back to the house, while others stayed at a bar. John Luoma was the only person who was sloppy. Coincidentally, he was the only one who wanted to get in the hot tub. But he's responsible and made sure he put on his pirate skully first. Jim had to join him in order to make sure that John didn't drown. After returning fromt he bar about two hours later, Jim and John were still in the hot tub. Not safe. I joined them. John's head was wobbling like a bobblehead. After a few minutes of wobbling, John straightened up and said, "You know what? I'm through with the pirate life."

Rory Scovel has been Swiftboated.

-Last Comic Standing may be worse than So You Think You Can Dance. I watched the New York portion of the first episode, and a few minutes of the second hour, which took place in comedy-hotbed Tempe, AZ. It was dreadful. They misrepresented some very good comics, and glorified some who are terrible. If you're a casual stand-up fan, don't worry. This show isn't the future of stand-up.
My writing of this was prompted by them completely screwing over my friend, Rory Scovel. He was on the beginning of the episode. They cut one or two sentences out of a great joke, in order to make the joke look awkward. Then they cut to the judges saying things that they didn't actually say about him. It was the equivalent of an October political ad that you see and ask yourself, "That can't be true, right?"

-I went to an aquarium outside Philadelphia yesterday. It marked the third time in two months that I've visited a zoo. Show me proof that an adult male has achieved more in less time.

-I feel like quite the loser right now. I'm visiting my girlfriend in south Jersey for the weekend. She is currently at a wedding that I wasn't invited to. So, here's what I'm doing: I'm sitting in her living room, writing this. The window is open, while the neighbors are barbecuing and having a great time. I'm listening to their music and smelling their food. Both are great. I think this is what high school would have been like if I ever went to parties. "No, I'm fine over here in the corner."

-Jeff Foxworthy has his own brand of beef jerky. He doesn't endorse beef jerky. He OWNS the company. It's called Foxworthy Foods. I'm assuming they also sell a Funions knock-off, and something that rhymes with Fritos.
I used to think you've made it as a comic when you do an HBO special. I stand corrected. You have made it when you have your own food distributor.
How does a comic make that transition? I can't picture myself ever walking off stage, and saying to myself, "That was a great show. I should sell jerky." Even if I did think that, what would the next step be? I can't even imagine what a manager would say when you call them to tell them you have an idea for your next project, and they ask, "Is it a sit-com?" And I would have to respond, "No, it's a dried meat."
Foxworthy needs to start doing drugs, or something unwholesome to counter his new image of the Chef Boyardee of comedy. That can't be good in the long run.

-At the aquarium, a mother called out to her kids, "Trayton and Wyatt, come here." Worst... names... ever... I've never heard of Trayton. Maybe that's what you go by when your name is Clayton III. And I'm pretty sure Wyatt died out with the Earps. Wyatt Earp himself had the opportunity to keep the name alive himself, but instead, he named his son Jerry. Is that true? I doubt it. But I think it's a decent guess.

-I hate celebrity news, but this is funny... Fergie was on the Today Show, basically performing a strip-tease. The audience: six-year-olds and their mothers. Look it up.

-Aw schucks. Just got invited next door to the 'cue. I guess high school was fun after all. Holla back, son.

Funniest Video Ever

I never thought I would say this, but I feel sorry for Oprah. She has created a monster, and I think that monster now makes her incredibly uncomfortable. Watch this video of her audience going nuts. I've never seen anything like this. I don't think anything in the world could excite me that much.

He is going to procreate, and there is nothing we can do about it.

-I talked to a friend last night. He started the conversation by asking, "How gay is it to spend your Saturday at a pinata-making class?" I didn't even know how to answer that. My instant reaction was, on a scale of 1-10, I guess it's probably an eight, if 10 is an all-male orgy. But after thinking about it, it's more weird than gay. More than I think, "That's gay," I think, "He must be active on Craigslist." How do you find out about a pinata class? That's the baffling part. And slightly more shocking is the fact that there is a pinata-making teacher. Do you need a certification to teach a pinata class? I don't know. Where would you get such a license? Color me baffled. When you discover the class on Craigslist, do you immediately say, "I'm in!" Or is there a process that goes from, "Seriously?" to "No way!" to "What the hell is this?" to "I like candy," to "I really like candy," to "Candy is best when it falls from an animal-shaped container," to "Pinatas are so expensive in stores," to "It's about time I did something for myself for a change." After making fun of him for a couple minutes, he defended himself by saying, "The class was free, and I'm trying to save money." This is ridiculous because it implies that there's some kind of mandate stating that he has to learn how to make pinatas, and all the other classes are muy caro. You don't have to go to free classes to save money. That's my point. You can stay home. You can go to a park.

-I went to a bachelor party in the Outer Banks from Thursday until Sunday. I will soon have a long blog to write about this, as I have for every a few other bachelor parties. Before I can do that, I have to decide what I should and shouldn't write. In the meantime, here is a preview of a few things that my friend, John Luoma, the bachelor, said:
"This may be a stupid question, but where is Saddam Hussein now?"
Shocked silence set in the rental van. All six of us were absolutely stunned. We asked, "Are you serious?" a few times. He insisted that he was. Someone blurted out, "He's dead!"
John got defensive, and shot back, "I know. I know he's dead."
I said, "No you didn't."
Lundy asked, "How did he die?"
John, as if he had just written a paper on the subject, but somehow forgot when he asked the initial question, defensively replied, "He died of a heart attack. It was like three years ago. I don't know how I forgot."
Everyone was dying laughing. The only words that could be said were, "It wasn't a heart attack."
"Oh, not a heart attack. But it was natural causes. Liver failure or something," John corrected himself.
We then told him about the execution. He had no idea. After telling him that he clinched his place as our dumbest friend, he claimed that most people don't know that Saddam was executed. At this point, everyone called the stupidest person in their phone book, not to see if John is stupid, but to see if he's the stupidest person that any of us know. Most of us weren't able to get in touch with the person we considered to be the stupidest person in our phones, so we called other friends, girlfriends, and anyone whom John thought wouldn't know the news. We took the calls on speaker-phone. All but two people mocked him pretty heavily, and many were offended that he thought they wouldn't know.
The next day, we had a Polish server. John knew that she didn't know. We asked her. She made fun of him.
At this meal, someone brought up the importance of the peanut to the American economy. We are nerds. Everyone but John. Because of his Saddam blunder, we decided to ask him who came up with over 50 uses for the peanut (George Washington Carver), thus changing the country in many ways. He shot back, as if he was asked his own name, "J. Edgar Hoover." Laughter ensued.
In the final case of mistaken identity, we passed a store called "The Cotton Gin." I asked John who invented the cotton gin. The inventor was Eli Whitney. It's not something that everyone knows. But I thought that if he didn't know, he could just say that. However, he responded, "I'm not sure. I want to say Lee Harvey Oswald, but that can't be right." I like that he knew it wasn't right, but still wanted to throw it out there just in case.
With the Saddam Hussein mix-up, J. Edgar Hoover, and Lee Harvey Oswald, two things are certain. John does not watch the news. John recently watched "JFK".

-I'll write more about the bachelor party later in the week. Very funny stuff.

Pre-Comedy Comedy

I coined a new phrase last night. "Meat-greedy." You can use it. If you're eating with friends or family members and someone gets more than their share of meat, start yelling "Meat-greedy! Meat-greedy!" and something will happen.

Before I did stand-up, for about 2-3 years, I wrote screenplays that no one else has read, and wrote several essays for my college newspaper. The excess of ideas that I couldn't use for these mediums became my early stand-up material. Last night, I found a list of ideas from 2001 that didn't make it to a script, essay or stand-up. Here are my favorites of them. In other words, here are the ideas that I'm not embarrassed about. I've included a few one or two word "ideas" that I thought I would remember, not realizing that I wouldn't look at the list again for seven years. For any incomplete idea, I've included an explanation.

Before the completely rejected ideas, here are some jokes from my first time on stage.

-real sex - This was actually my favorite early joke, although I only did it twice. It was about an episode of Real Sex, in which three finalists of a stripper pageant were asked the question, "If you had the power to be invisible, what would you do?" The first responded, "If I had the power to be invisible, I would help those that are less fortunate." Okay, that's a noble idea. However, you don't have to be invisible to help people. The fact that she thought that explains why she ended up being a stripper.
The second stripper said, "If I had the power to be invisible, I would fight all of the evil-doers in the world." Three thoughts on this. Who are these evil-doers? How is she going to battle them by being invisible? I don't think invisible lap dances are going to do the trick against Al-Qaeda. And her usage of "evil-doers" is great. It goes to show that while Bush might be a bad president, he would be a great invisible stripper. Maybe the invisible stripper mentality is what this country has been missing from its presidents.
The last stripper paused for a few seconds, as if she was going to let us in on a moment of stripper genius. But this is the drivel that cam out of her mouth. "If I had the power to be invisible... I would make myself un-invisible, because being invisible would be lonely." Then she raised her arms in the air, as if she had just won a marathon (Running a marathon while invisible would have been a better answer). But I think she missed the point of the question. You can only be invisible. You can't go back and forth.
I don't remember the end of this joke.

-Nervous…naked… This was the first thing I said, the first time I was on stage. I was so nervous, I probably shat 20 times that day, and couldn't eat for about three days prior to the show. I was shaking until I got on stage.
"I'm really nervous right now. My friend told me that if I get nervous, to picture the audience in their underwear. [Pause as I looked around] So, that's what I'm doing now, picturing all of you in your underwear. You're all in your underwear right now.[Look at attractive woman in audience]
Except you... you're naked. Which just makes me more nervous. Catch-22."

-Reincarnation lemonade - When a comic starts out, you can tell who his influences are. You could tell in my delivery that I was a Hedberg fan(which was a subconscious result of being so nervous), but my writing wasn't similar, except for this joke, and maybe one or two others.
"I don't believe in reincarnation. But if I did, I'd want to come back as lemonade. Because everyone likes lemonade. People will often start arguments with me, but never the case with lemonade. I've never heard anyone say, 'Fuck you lemonade. All you do is quench my thirst.' 'You refresh me, then you leave.' 'Hey lemonade, it's your baby.' And that's why I'd like to be reincarnated as lemonade."

-Dancing - I still do this joke occasionally, exactly as I did the first time on stage. Same goes for the war on drugs and anti-smoking jokes. Yes, I am bragging

-Pride Alliance
This was probably the dirtiest joke I ever wrote, hence why I only did it a couple times. It's also a bit too easy.
"I was walking through my campus when I saw a sign from an organization called the Pride Alliance, which read, "Gay: It's What's for Dinner." And I'm fine with gay pride organizations getting their message out. But don't pitch it to me like it's a meal. I've never seen the straight alliance put out signs that said, "Vagina: The Breakfast of Champions." Or "Clitoris: The Other Pink Meat."

-Condom Critic
The second dirtiest joke I ever wrote, and probably the easiest.
I was reading a men's magazine, that had a section of condom reviews. That has to be the best job in America; a condom critic. If you're a restaurant critic, sometimes you get a bad meal. If you're a condom critic, best-case scenario, you have sex, which also happens to be the worst-case scenario. "Not in the mood? But it's business sex. These reviews don't write themselves."

-Still naked
At some point, I would pause and look at the woman from the beginning of my set, and say, "Still naked."

-Cancer/BMW
A friend of mine has cancer. Her uncle invented the pop-top on cans and is rich from it. So he bought her a BMW to make her feel better. That's a nice gesture, but I think she would have preferred chemo. BMWs are nice cars, but unfortunately they don't do shit for leukemia.
I don't remember the end of this joke.

Above were all ideas that I did on stage at some point. The rest are ideas that never got fleshed out, most-likely because they weren't funny enough.

-Some friends and I were driving through DC late at night, on the prowl for hookers, so we could point at them and say, "There's a hooker." My friend John pointed at two women and yelled, "HOOKERS!"
I told him they weren't hookers.
"How do you know," he asked.
"Because hookers don't wear khaki."

Hookers don't wear khaki is one of my favorite lines ever. I just decided that it will be the title of my first CD, unless it's not.

-Being in the locker room of my gym is like being an extra in a gay porn.

-Women will never understand the appeal of lesbian porn.

-Bill Clinton and Allen Iverson went to the same college. That's hilarious.

-People say that every family has a criminal and a homosexual. My family doesn’t, however we do have two cowboys, which is even harder to explain to outsiders. (Now, I have a gay brother.)

-Prostitutes have a really difficult time getting a job once they left the life of street walking. Not a versatile resume. "I see on your resume that you were a hooker? And before that, you were a "straight ho"? Any other experience?"

-People say that when a fight breaks out, you find out who your friends are. Bullshit. When a fight breaks out, you find out who doesn’t want to get hit.

-I love Wal-Mart because it’s like a 7-11 outlet.

-My New Year's Resolution is to not get lupus. If you set your goals too high, then you just set yourself up to be let down.

-Potato famine joke that I refuse to reprint.

-Steam room story.
I don't remember the steam room story, but wish I did. I remember two naked dudes going into a steam room that I was in, and a really weird conversation taking place. But I don't remember the details.

-W.C. Fields jokes don’t work at frat parties.

-It is said that everyone has a special, unique talent. It is indescribably disappointing when you discover that your talent is that you can tell the exact moment when a pancake needs to be flipped.

-I saw a bullfight where the bull’s horns hit the ground and the bull did a flip. He got back up and kept fighting, but you could tell that he was crying on the inside.

-When you make a joke about rimjobs on your first date, that’s pretty much like saying, “you should stop talking to me and make fun of me to your friends.”
True story.

-When your weird roommate [who is a sophomore in college] invites a high school girl over, whom he met on the Internet, it is acceptable to fart on her so that she will leave and not be violated by your weird roommate.
You can put that on my tombstone.

-Why are there sign language interpreters at benefit concerts? Isn’t hearing a prerequisite for enjoying music?

-The concept is difficult to embrace, but it is possible to get a high ankle sprain at a party.
I don't remember this happening, but don't doubt that it did.

-Bugle Boy: what went wrong? One day they were on top of the middle-school fashion world. The next day they were used to wipe oil from people’s dipsticks. Never before have I witnessed such a fall from grace.

-The toilet needs to be redesigned.
I used to be very adamant about this. I don't recall my design ideas.

-I saw a commercial where a guy steals a girls phone number in a bar. How does he make that call? "Remember me from the bar? No, not the guy who asked for your number. I was three guys down…kind of had that stalker look."

-Men complain about marriage because they don’t want to lose their individuality. That must suck. But you have to look at the other side of the coin. How bad is it for women? They lose their name. They have had the same middle name all of their lives..but now..it’s gone. What if they went by their middle name all their life. Someone runs into them that hasn’t seen them in a while…"Sara…Sara…Sara…" Oh, I’m not Sara anymore. You can’t call me that. That was from the before time.

And those were my old jokes/ideas. I hope it was entertaining.

Hookers Don't Wear Khaki

Bullet style, son.

-Signs seen in Jersey City.
"Grey Kitten Found" This sign had no contact info on it. Someone just wanted to let the world know that they acquired a grey kitten for free.
A store called, ".99c Power: Everything .99c or less or more!" I swear this exists. It's two blocks from my apartment. 99 cents, or less, or more. Basically, everything has a price.

-My brother is getting out of jail for sure this week, after over two months of wrongful incarceration. We'll see if the Homeland Security formally apologizes. I have my money on no.
More good news regarding his release. My blog has primarily sucked since he got arrested. This is because of the arrest and the death of two grandparents, and one 10-year-old cousin, which have happened in the past two months. Now I can get back to not sucking.

-I've recently discovered that Tyler Perry is the black Bill Engvall. That isn't a good thing. They both do terrible, vanilla comedy that is stereotypical of their race. Both are painful to watch. I wish that whoever was in charge of making Tyler Perry the black Bill Engvall could have consulted me first. There's plenty of racial inequality out there, but I don't think we needed a black Bill Engvall. I would have just told the media powers that be, "Trust me. You don't want that. As far as race relations go, it will be like Bobby Brown getting arrested every day." Can't we get rid of the white Bill Engvall instead of getting a Bill Engvall to cover other races(Not kill, just remove him from TV)?

-I did a benefit show on Saturday in the West Village, with Jeremy Schachter. It was for a 10-year-old kid who needed a kidney transplant. I don't know how much kidney transplants cost, but hopefully the show helped out. And hopefully while no one was listening to my set, they were instead dropping more and more money into some sort of donation bucket/trough.
I was going to start my set off talking about how everyone should donate all of the money they have, so they don't have to stop at getting the kid a new kidney, and turn him into a full-fledged Robo-Kid. But the kids was present, and I didn't want him to cry.
The back-up plan was to talk about how I once did an AIDS benefit that actually lost money for AIDS. But as soon as I said "AIDS" for the first time, the four people who actually were listening gave me a look like, "Why the hell are you talking about AIDS?" I wasn't. It was about a show. But I see their point. I bailed. If there's a time that you don't want to come across as edgy, it's at a benefit for a kid who needs a new organ.
One awkward thing happened after the show, which was overshadowed by an instance of terrible decision-making.
Awkward:
Before I was left, I wanted to tell the girl/woman (What's the rule on this? At what point do I uniformly say "woman"? She was about my age, and I've always used "woman" for people who are at least six years older than me. Ah, adulthood. So many decisions. So many blog digressions.) thanks, nice meeting her, etc... It was loud when she and I walked toward one another to say bye. To prevent yelling, I leaned toward her. I don't know if it's her custom, or if she thought I was European, but she leaned in for the cheek-kiss-thing, just as I was saying, "Nice meeting you. Thanks for having me on the show." I didn't fully comprehend what was going on. So I leaned back, causing the cheek-kiss-thing to be a complete air-ball. I made her look like an idiot, which in turn made me look like an idiot. I wanted to rectify the situation, and figured that awkward is slightly better than idiotic, so I said, "I wasn't sure what was happening. Let's try that again," and leaned in for another. This time the we both stuck the landing. So awkward, but I'm not sure how else to resolve that situation. I was never properly versed in the cheek-kiss-thing. I've spent about 9-10 weeks in Europe, and avoided it entirely. I don't think you're actually supposed to make contact. It's more like you kiss the air beside their face. Not sure what the point of that is. Is it like playing chicken? But sometimes it's full-contact, which really throws me for a loop. Can we just decide how this is going to work in the future? Readers: If you're a cheek-kisser, before you do it, tell the person you're going to be doing it to. And let them know if you're going for face or air. Otherwise, expect an awkward encounter that will be your fault.

Terrible Decision-Making:
There was a raffle. One of the prizes was a laptop. The guy who won gave it to the kid. That's the type of thing that makes everyone think, "What a nice guy!" However, as I walked out of the place, all I could think was, "What an idiot!" The kid is 10. You could have had a free computer.
1) Why does a kid need a computer that's separate from his family's computer? You're just going to ease him into porn sooner.
2) Why would portability ever be an issue for a 10-year-old kid? Is he going to go on a business vacation?
In conclusion, it's nice to give things to sick kids, but dumb to give laptops to kids.

-It's true! USA Swimming has released a study, which concludes that 58% of black children can't swim, just like the comics on BET said. Now when you're watching Comic View, instead of laughing, or calling the comic a hack when he makes a joke about black people not being able to swim, you can just say, "Good point. I see he looked at the data for this one." Comic View is so bad and admittedly generic that they'll have a 10-minute segment in which every comic is talking about this subject. I've seen it happen.
I want to know who actually conducted the survey for USA Swimming. That's the funniest part to me - that they actually thought, "It's time to crunch the numbers on this! Some mysteries need to be solved." The study was probably done by the Trivial Poll Division of Gallup. They're on the corner of Gallup's campus, in a trailer, with felt posters on the walls. They poll things like minority swimming rates, favorite shapes of pasta and where's the beef? And I want to work there.

- John McCain is being accused of calling his wife a cunt in public. He denies it. Witnesses claim he said, "At least I don't plaster on the make-up like a trollop, you cunt." Do we really want someone who talks like that to be president? I don't think anyone has used 'trollop' as a synonym for 'prostitute' since Dickens. Do we really want someone who uses 19th Century hooker references to be president? We call them 'streetwalkers' and 'harlots' here in the 40s.

-At a McDonald's in Elizabeth, NJ, the single cheeseburger and double cheeseburger are the same price. What went wrong? How did the people of McDonald's let this happen. One is double the other. How could more than one person think they should be the same price? When I pointed this out to the cashier, he just started laughing. He didn't understand it either. He should be a candidate for management, because the current manager thinks that 1 and 2 are the same thing.

-There are signs in Port Authority (NYC Bus Terminal) that read "Bus Daparts Gate ___." Da-parts. That is on dozens of signs, in probably the most elitist city in the world. Hilarious.