Douchiest Voicemail Ever

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Ha

Courtesy of The Daily Dish, by Andrew Sullivan and The Atlantic:

Hilarious catch of an auto-correction tool for Christianist filtered news-sites. Th AP's Tyson Gay is renamed to avoid trespassing on Christianist sensibilities:

Tyson Homosexual easily won his semifinal for the 100 meters at the U.S. Olympic track and field trials and seemed to save something for the final later Sunday. His wind-aided 9.85 seconds was a fairly cut-and-dry performance compared to what happened a day earlier. On Saturday, Homosexual misjudged the finish in his opening heat and had to scramble to finish fourth, then in his quarterfinal a couple of hours later, ran 9.77 to break the American record that had stood since 1999. […]

Screen-shot here. My favorite liberal pc auto-correct includes such phrases as bringing the budget back into the African-American. But all ideologues are vulnerable.

Hot (something). Summer in the city. (Something something something something) girls are (something).

-I saw a hipster on the subway with a "backpack" that was a wicker trashcan, tied to his back. This was the most pathetic thing I've ever seen a hipster do. And I send at least one text message per day that says something along the lines of "I hate hipsters more than Nazis." Not more than Nazis hate hipsters, but I hate hipsters more than I hate Nazis. And I really hate Nazis, more than anything except hipsters. Why the wicker trashcan as a backpack? Is that comfortable? It's like the hipsters who ride bikes like the one from Pee-Wee's Big Adventure. Do they not know that bikes have come a long way since then? The new ones have gears and weigh less than 200 pounds. God, I hate hipsters. "I just got a Commodore 64. It's so rad." That's going to be the next hipster trend. They'll move away from Macs (the only corporate thing that they tolerate, and even embrace), and onto a computer that barely classifies as a computer. "Dude, check out this phone I have. When you want to call someone, you connect a series of wires on a switchboard." Fuck you, hipster. You suck at life. Maybe the wicker trashbackcanpack was supposed to be a metaphor for the porous, illogical hipster brain. That's what I'm going with.

-Went to my cousin's wedding in VA on Saturday. It was in the chapel in Ft. Belvoir, an Army base. The wedding and reception were very nice. One very funny note though. The chapel isn't religion specific, as they hold services for many religions there. So, behind the altar is a giant stained-glass window of whom? Jesus? No. David? No. Mohammed? No. Buddha? Nope. Vishnu? Not a chance. George Washington? Check. It's hilarious. George Washington, kneeling, hands clasped, in his Revolutionary War garb. Awesome. We can't all agree on a god, but can all agree that George Washington... is on a stained-glass window in a chapel.
Also, I started laughing a little during the ceremony because I thought one of the groomsmen had fallen asleep. Then I realized that people close their eyes when they're praying.
Other funny thing... My dad is a weird combo of former hippie and libertarian. Some hippies claim to be libertarian because they want marijuana legalized, but that's the extent of their libertarianism. At dinner, my step-mom said, "Your dad is the only person I've ever met who idolizes John Lennon and Richard Nixon." Good point. That's probably rare, as they are diametrically opposed. John Lennon actually has a song about Nixon. It's not flattering. This is how much my dad likes John Lennon:
He has forgotten my birthday every year. My birth-date is December 17, 1980. He calls me on December 19 every year to tell me happy birthday. This is because I was due on Christmas, but my parents didn't want to cause any confusion. So they scheduled a C-Section for December 19. Then it was moved to December 17. He essentially calls to wish me a happy original appointment time. I told him at the wedding reception, "Just remember that it's eight days after John Lennon was killed." And as if the date is as obvious as July 4, my dad corrected me, "He was killed on the 8th, not the 9th." Everyone laughed at the fact that he knew that, but couldn't remember my birthday. He clarified by saying, "Well, I had to miss work for... both. I missed work for both." Then we started trying to come up with mnemonic devices to help him remember. I don't think they'll work.
I asked if most people missed work when Lennon was killed. He said, "Everyone I knew did." Then I asked if it was the same when Hendrix and Jim Morrison died. My uncle, who as a teenager painted a mural in my grandma's house(without permission) of Jimi's "Axis: Bold as Love" album cover, responded, "When Jimi died, no one missed work. It was just [fake inhalation], 'Man, Jimi died,' [then faked passing a joint to my step-mom]." My brothers and I weren't sure if we could laugh. It was very American Beauty/Half-Baked. If you don't know the scenes, watch the movies.
-I watched Dumb & Dumber for the 100th time last night. It has to be the funniest movie ever made. "Tell her I have a rapist's wit. I'll be over here putting out the vibe." Come on, it doesn't get funnier than that. Last night, I was able to read Seabass' hat for the first time. It says, "Wine 'em, Dine 'em, Sixty-Nine 'em." I hope that hat was actually for sale in stores at some point.
- Whenever I sign for a credit card purchase on a digital pad, instead of writing my name, I write, "Fart," in hopes that the cashier will say something, and I'll have to convince them that it's how I sign my name. Last night, I found out that my girlfriend signs hers, "Butt." If that's not a sign, I don't know what is.

Carlin and foxes...

- The first time I heard about George Carlin was when his sit-com came out in the early 90s. I liked it, maybe because it was good, or maybe because I was in middle school and way too into sit-coms. Either way, I really liked his delivery. I mentioned to my mom that I found George Carlin hilarious. She replied something along the lines of, "He has such a dirty mouth. You shouldn't watch him," which, over the past 10-12 years, I've discovered is mom-code for "He's hilarious, and I don't want you to have fun." She had a similar review for South Park, Richard Pryor, and somehow Greg Giraldo. When she said that Greg Giraldo is dirty, that's when I decided that she should never know that I do comedy.
Back to the subject: It's really sad about Carlin. It's a shame that he didn't get to put out 10 more HBO specials. We would have all liked that. However, he led a great life, was happy, and left us with a great body of work. Thanks to George Carlin.

-This is a 180, but how about some funny observations? Yes? Okay...

My friend, Glen, and I, are in a wedding next month. I called him and said, "Did you get fitted for your tux?" He said, "Uh, did I get a sitter for my fox?" He did get fitted, but did not find a sitter.

-Essay on global warming and its impending consequences by lead NASA climate scientist, Dr. James Hanson. Not funny.

-NFL-star-because-of his-criminal-record-not-because-of-his-on-field-skills, Pacman Jones, has announced that he no longer wants people to call him Pacman, but rather Adam. His reason is the negative connotations that go with the name Pacman. Wait a minute... a convicted criminal says that Pacman has too many negative connotations? Did I miss something? Did Pacman beat Ms. Pacman or something? Did he rape Q-Bert? If so, in the nose, or does Q-Bert have another orifice that the gaming public doesn't know about? What did I miss? I can't tell if he thinks the name Pacman is the reason he has been arrested so many times, instead of the reason being that he was breaking the law. This is awesome. It's like when a comic decides to start wearing a sports jacket, or gets a haircut to get their career back on track.

- If you have B-O and are wearing a suit, the B-O cancels out the suit. And my shirt being a little wrinkled isn't a big deal.

- I was on an elevator with a construction worker. He didn't look like a standard construction worker though. Mustache, jeans, boots, mesh tank-top (not wife-beater, not muscle shirt), a Mickey Mouse tattoo, and a gold necklace. He turned to a friend and said, "You know, there's nothing on this Earth like tar." His friend replied, "Ain't that the truth." I wish I was dressed the part to chime in, but my tank-tops were at home.

It's a coincidence, but a funny one...

The day after news broke of Coldplay ripping off a Joe Satriani song, it looks like Crucial Element has been ripped off. The Coldplay issue is with their latest single. It is a Joe Satriani song. Youtube, motherfucka!
Crucial Element hasn't really been plagiarized. There is just a really funny coincidence, that is a result of Crucial Element being an almost too accurate satire. I should note that this isn't the first time a something related to Crucial Element has shown up in the mainstream, well after we created them. Initially, we had some songs, written in 2001-02, which ended up being eerily similar to popular songs that came out years later. We weren't plagiarized. We just predicted a trend. The same has happened with the Crucial Element podcast. Diddy has now done a podcast that is so similar to a CE podcast that he should never be allowed to work again. Not because of a lack of integrity, but because he's doing Crucial Element, and he's serious.

The intros are obviously the same. Other than the general phrasing, other similarities include over-use of "It's official," and "Yo" being said for no reason at all. If you watch any of the Crucial Element Podcasts, they're all like this.

Here is ours:



And here is the Diddy-Cast:


Look for a new podcast on Monday from Crucial Element, addressing this concern.

Thanks to Andy Kline for bringing this to our attention. Why was Andy watching the Diddy-cast? No one knows.

That's a stretch.

This is hilarious. I read a lot of political blogs and news sites. I like to read an equal number that have a right and left slant. Both will stretch the truth to try make the other side look bad. This one takes the cookie... pun intended.
On Huffington Post, a blogger is accusing John McCain's wife, Cindy, of being a plagiarist. Why? Because a cookie recipe that she submitted to Family Circle magazine is a Hershey's recipe. They're claiming she plagiarized a cookie recipe! This somehow makes her dishonest? Isn't that how recipes work? She didn't claim to invent the oatmeal cookie. Is she supposed to invent her own cookie recipe? Is that a qualification for First-Lady that I didn't know about? Must be an inventive chef. They thought the ultimate "gotcha" quote was her saying that she got the recipe from a friend. They're saying it's a lie, because she got it from Hershey's. Couldn't a friend give her a Hershey's recipe?
This is so stupid. They're essentially saying, "Don't vote for McCain, because his wife doesn't invent her own cookie recipes."

New Crucial Element Song

It's called "Odrama," it's now online at the Crucial Element myspace page. Listen. It's hilarious.

Slippery Shoes... Why?

-Ghost and Bubba (Quincy(roommate) and I(Ryan Conner(the comedian))) of Crucial Element recorded a new song last night - blazing the freshness, as always. I could probably sell that phrase - blazing the freshness - to every radio station in the country. Anyway, the song is called "Odrama." It Crucial Element's ignorant endorsement of Barack Obama. We both think it's the funniest CE song yet. All I'll tell you is that the first two words are "Crip walkin'." I'll post a link when it's up.
-I had to get a long-term temp job, due to colleges not doing shows in the summer. The job itself is cool. Adjusting to working during the day after two years of not working is the hard part. It's a good reminder to work hard at comedy though.
When I was in college, I really enjoyed the lifestyle. Everyone does. But I think I liked it a little more. Because my goal then was to retain the college lifestyle (pizza 7 days per week and everything), without having to go to class or do any actual work. In comedy, I figured out how to do that. Now I have to work for a few months to remind myself of how great it is to be in college without taking classes.
I had to buy work clothes, because I don't normally dress fancy. I also got a haircut. It was with a new hair guy. There was a misunderstanding. Now I have very short hair. I bought nice shoes. Not temp shoes. These are permanent staff shoes. They're Johnston and Murphy. They have a major downside though. They're 100 percent leather, including the outsoles, which makes them slippery as shit. I slipped on a fucking sidewalk. How does that happen? Sidewalks have more traction than anything on Earth. I'd put a sidewalk up against duct tape any day. I can't figure out why they would make the soles slippery on purpose. At some point, I'm guessing I'll realize, "Oh, that's why they make them slippery - for quick turns. In the corporate world, you have to make a lot of tight 90 degree turns. Of course! Claro que si!" I hope I don't have to run any hook patterns at work, or will break my ass.
My bosses' title has the acronym MIL. But that's a foreign acronym to me. I'll let you know the first time I slip up and refer to them as MILFs. I can't see it not happening. One has been in my vocabulary for years, while the other is new. It's like when Bo and Luke's cousins took over on Dukes of Hazzard. I still called them Bo and Luke. the concept of the show being about their cousins was too foreign to me.
Speaking of Dukes of Hazzard, Tom Wopat (Luke) is on Broadway, starring in A Catered Affair, a show that looks very gay, even by Broadway standards. Look at what these boys have gotten themselves into this time... Gya, gya, gya...

- Continuing the perpetual theme of my blog, that Jersey City is the new hell, I saw something really ignorant again today. First, the most ignorant thing, other than "99 cent Power: Everything 99 cents or Less or More," is some graffiti that I often pass. In huge letters, someone proclaimed "PUAL SUCKS COCK!" I guess someone told this person that Paul is spelled slightly differently from what he and his spray-paint decided on. So he decided to make up for the typo. But how? He's already used his go-to-phrase "____ sucks cock!" I guess he decided to improvise. Great idea. He went with, "PAUL TAKES IT IN THE REAR. NOT IN THE EAR." A few things here: always gay jokes with this guy; less umph with this one - he went with periods this time; what would anyone take in the rear? Wouldn't it be worse if someone took it in the ear? This is almost a compliment; and finally, this has been on display in a very public place for at least a year. Kudos to Jersey City for leaving it up. Jersey City, I always believed in you.
Today's morsel of ignorance was a paper bag, on which someone had written "Free Stuff." In one of the cleverest moves of the century, someone crossed that out and wrote "Suck my dick." If you need to take a break for laughter, I understand. Get a drink of water while you're at it. "Suck my dick"... priceless. The thing that made it sadder was that this bag wasn't even on display anywhere. It was laying in the gutter. And it looked like the revision was made post-gutter-arrival. Jersey City... Soak it in.

-Anyone who whistles for a cab should be sent to movieland or mocked constantly. About 5% of white men in suits do this, as if they're in a Frank Capra movie. The whistle is slightly worse than yelling "Taxi!" It's loud. They can't hear you. Put your arm up, like a human.

- I went to a Wawa in Bellmawr, NJ. First, I think we need to add a vowel to the name of the town. A 'w' next to an 'r' is unacceptable. They had a sign which read, "Newports $5.61 - Lowest Price Allowed by Law." Why is there a law that regulates cigarette prices? I didn't know NJ was a communist state. I don't know what else to write about this. But I think we can all agree that it's a funny sign.

- After one of my shows at Helium last weekend, I went to a bar in the Iladelph with my girlfriend and some of her friends. While there, we saw a middle-aged couple wearing matching t-shirts. The front said "The world will never be the same..." The back said, "Now that Kyle is 21." Kyle has changed the world. I always knew he could do it. All it took was that birthday. He was holding back for a while. But not now. Bam!
Even if Kyle didn't really change the world, except in a Butterfly Effect kind of way, I bet his life will never be the same, after his self-confidence plummeted from going to a bar on his 21st birthday with his parents, who wore shirts dedicated to his birthday, while also making it clear that Kyle has approximately zero friends.

Delusion

There's something to be said for people who don't give up. Then there's something else to be said for people who refuse to accept reality (synonym: psychotic). Barrack Obama wrapped up the Democratic nomination last night. When Clinton made her speech, which one would assume would be a concession speech of a congratulatory tone, she instead insisted that she's winning the race, and attacked Obama. It was shocking. She has lost. The final score is on the scoreboard. But she still claims that she is winning, and will pull it off in the end. It's like if a baseball team is batting at the top of the 9th, while losing. They don't score any runs and the game is effectively over. But they still insist that they pitch the bottom of the ninth "just in case." It's the same thing. All contests are over. He has won. She still wants to play.

The thing she has clung to is her claim to be winning the popular vote. That's like a team claiming to be winning a basketball game, if you count the shots they made in warm-ups, and don't count the other teams points made in the second quarter. The way she's coming up with that number is by counting the Florida and Michigan primaries, which don't count. The national party disqualified them long before they were held, which Clinton acknowledged then, even though she still campaigned there. In her arithmetic, she's counting these two states and leaving out the caucuses, all of which were won by Obama. It's unbelievable.

Synonyms

I was reading the Wikipedia page for mastodons (didn't know the difference between a mastodon and a woolly mammoth). This is a sentence from the page: "The cock of the mastodon sometimes exceeded five meters in length and were nearly horizontal, in contrast with the more curved mammoth tusks."
The thing is, I read "The cock of the mastodon sometimes exceeded five meters" about seven times before I finished the sentence. I kept saying to myself, "Does that...? Yes, that does say 'cock.' That's 15 feet. Do they need to mate from different time zones, or did mastodons just have really thick asses? Why wouldn't the author go with 'penis'? Is 'cock' acceptable now? When did that happen?" Then I finished the sentence. "Oh... oh... okay... Apparently "cock" also means tusks... probably where the other slang came from. Interesting."

Did you know that woolly mammoths had 35-inch pussies? No, no, not that. Get your mind out of the gutter. Pussy originally referred to the length of an animals coat.


-I have received three requests to join a social networking site (we need more) called Hi5. I looked it up. I'm not making this up. It's the #1 social networking site in Mongolia. Mongolia doesn't even have roads. Is there one guy with a computer, so technically it's the top site? If you have the top yak milk in Mongolia, go ahead and tell people. But not the top website.