Update on apartment scam

I just received this:
I am having second thoughts, i am not feeling comfortable to just send you the keys without an ensurance first, sorry, nothing personal.
Because i don't want to stop this since we've been exchanging e-mails for a few days and i really want to rent the apartment i've made out some research and i've found out that TNT www.tnt.com (i am sure you know what TNT is) has a service that could help us do this transaction. So, here is how it works:

A. I will deposit the keys and the necessary documents (a regular contract and proof of ownership) into a box at TNT and have it prepared for shipped onto my apartment's address and under your name (to be able to sign for it and get in posession of the keys).
B. You will receive an e-mail notification from TNT as a confirmation that the keys and the documents are in their custody.
C. Then you have to send the funds to TNT as a guarantee.
D. Then, they will ship the package at the apartment's address under your name and I will schedule the delivery at the exact day and time you tell me you can be there to receive the keys and view the apartment.
E. Delivery time: 1 day. When you get the keys and the documents you have the possibility to open the package in front of the delivery driver and open the door and view the apartment, etc., if you don't like the apartment give the keys back to the delivery driver and within 24 hours they'll refund you entirely, If you decide that you want to keep it tell them that and they'll release the funds to me.


This method is very simple and offers protection to both of us.
Under this circumstances i see no other solution.
I am sure you are thinking why do you have to put funds before seeing the apartment and why can't you pay the delivery driver when he delivers the keys and the documents, but the delivery driver doesn't handle cash or checks, this is for safety reasons and it's easy to understand that.

If you want to continue this please tell me and i will go to TNT and begin the transaction.


Tank you.
Jurich

I responded with this:

Hey there, Mrs. Jurich. I've heard about TNT. Pretty cool service. I totally understand the deal with the drivers not handling cash. Makes perfect sense. It also wouldn't make sense to do a credit card authorization. That would be asinine.
When I first read, "I am having second thoughts," I thought for sure it was about the pet rhino. I'm glad ensurance was the hiccup, and not Ol' Dusty. You won't have to worry about OD. He has a portable habitat, and his diet consists primarily of barley and snakes. He doesn't charge that often. When he does, his horn doesn't really hurt much anyway. He's pretty docile, in fact. I'm sure you've had a pet scorpion at some point in your life. He's a lot like that. I would almost say he has the demeanor of an emu!!! A FUCKING EMU!!!! You can't look at him without wanting to give him a hug. He's also a pretty good dancer.
You didn't respond about there being a 100 ft straight-away in the apartment. Can you please let me know before we go forward with this? I want to make sure my jogging regimen isn't thrown off. It's something I've been doing 8 days a week for the past 12 years. That's like 96 years total.
Tell me a little about yourself. All I know is that you just moved to Athens. Don't tell me you're really Josh Childress. If you're Josh Childress, posing as Mrs. Jurich, you have to tell me why you left the Hawks for Olympiakos?!?! You left the NBA for Greece, dude. That's fucking crazy. I know Greece is beautiful, but you have NBA money. You could go to Greece any time. Speaking of going places, I'm going to be in Wayne, Nebraska in a few weeks. Have you been there? Do you know if there are any badass clubs in town? I'm trying to fuck some bitches.
Keep it greasy.
Ryan

28 seconds of your time

My friend, Jermaine, just sent this to me. The email said, "The most ignorant thing I've ever seen. Yet hysterical."

Good idea, Chicago/Illinois

- I hate it when a rule or law is put in place because one person did something stupid. That's all it takes. If one person overdosed on mayonaisse, by eating 2 gallons in a day, there would be an intestigation into how much mayonnaise is too much. Then there would be warning labels on every jar of Hellmans. The latest instance of this garbage comes from Illinois. Someone was hit by a train while texting. Now the Illinois state legislature is reviewing a bill that would ban the use of all wireless devices on streets. This includes talking on the phone. That's what they're made for - talking on the street. I can't believe we're blaming the phones instead of the people who use them. The phone didn't kill this girl. It's tragic, but it was her fault. One of the fundamental rules in life is, "Watch out for trains." Always. Always make sure a train isn't about to hit you. If one is, then move. They hurt. Bad.

Important things:
1. Eat vegetables.
2. Sleep.
3. Watch out for trains.

If they want to pass a law because of this, my girlfriend pointed out, why not pass a law stating that train conductors have to watch for people on phones? That makes just as much sense.

Don't be stupid. That's it. No law needed.

You may recall me writing in November about an apartment scam in Hoboken. I found another on Craigslist and decided to bait him, in the same way the previous guy baited me. The emails start tame, but I'm getting crazy with it at the end. Here is the transcript thus far.

Hi. Is this still available? I lived in Hoboken for a year, and moved to JC Heights several months ago. I'm looking to return to Hoboken.

Thanks,
Ryan
________________________________________________________________
Hi,

The apartment is available now, i am the owner, 3rd floor, elevator, fully furnished, i can rent it unfurnished too, all the utilities are included (water, garbage, electricity, heat..etc). Pets are allowed. This is not a share or something, the whole apartment is for rent and the price per month is $1,600. I am asking for 2 month's rent payment plus 1/2 month as security deposit, the 2 months are for the first and last and the deposit will be returned at the end of the lease. So, it's a total of $4,000. If my terms are ok with you please reply back, if you have questions please free to ask.
More photos here: http://pictures.aol.com/galleries/jurichca

Address:
551 OBSERVER HWY #3A,
HOBOKEN, NJ 07030


Thank you
Jurich Tobor

__________________________________________________________________________________________

Hi Jurich. The pictures look great. When can I take a look at the place? Does tonight work for you?
Thanks a million.
Ryan
________________________________________________________________

Just a few more info. Equal size-2 bedrooms/2 bathrooms, 1200 sq. ft., washer/dryer in unit, A/C, dishwasher, parking -- 1 garage included in the rent, safe neighborhood, nice neighbors, very quiet, no noise, close to transportation and everything else. It's fully furnished, but i can rent it unfurnished also, same price if unfurnished, will use a moving company. As i said, pets are allowed. Building has maintenance-included in the price. The lenght of the lease is flexible: long/short term.
I have to tell you that i live am in Athens, Greece, i bought the apartment as an investment, i go to NJ every 7-8 months for 3 or 4 days and if you rent the apartment i will stay to a hotel. I don't know how else to do this since i have noone there who i might send the keys to and show you the apartment and i am the only one who has the keys, so, if you want to see the apartment i would need your address where the keys to be fedex-overnight to you and we will talk about the payment process for the $4,000 and about the other details after viewing, if there is somethig else that you want to know please feel free to ask.


Thank you.
Jurich Tobor
________________________________________________________________________________________
Good Morning, Mrs. Tobor. This place sounds fantastic. I have a question regarding pets. You say that pets are okay. I have a pet that might be a little illegal. Is that okay? It's very calm. Between you and I, it's a pygmy white rhino. It is soooo cute. Anyway, it's basically like a dog.
Also, I'm a big jogger, but I like jogging in short spurts. I run 4-6 miles per day, but I do so in 100 ft increments. I run 100 feet, then stop for a few minutes. Sometimes I'll drink tea. But not always. Is there a 100 ft straightaway in the apartment? Please say yes!!!!

You can send the keys. I live next door at 549 Observer, Apt 4. I know the management at 551. Would it be possible to send them the keys? They're nice people who would definitely accommodate this transaction. I'm really looking forward to seeing the place.

Thank your face,
Ryan
________________________________________________________________
I'm expecting a stock response. If that's what I get, I'm going to see how far I can go while still getting him to respond. Word.

News Links

-No link here, but this is what crazy right-wing radio host, Michael Savage said about Autistic children: "...in 99 percent of the cases, it's a brat who hasn’t been told to cut the act out."

"What do you mean they scream and they're silent? They don’t have a father around to tell them, 'Don’t act like a moron. You’ll get nowhere in life. Stop acting like a putz. Straighten up. Act like a man. Don’t sit there crying and screaming, idiot.'"

The audio is all over the web.

As of now, no advertisers have withdrawn their support of his show. By the way, I listened to his show for about an hour a few months ago, because I had no choice. It was the only radio station in NYC that was airing one of the Democratic debates. During the debate he said that blacks and Latinos are lazy and stupid. Somehow, people pounce on Opie and Anthony, Stern and Don Imus, and let things like this slide.

-Here's an article about Nas bringing a petition of over 600,000 people for Fox News to stop being racist in their coverage of the presidential campaign. If you think they haven't been racist, explain the following: "an on-air graphic that referred to Michelle Obama as "Obama’s baby mama," Bill O’Reilly’s joke about not wanting to have a "lynching party" to deal with Mrs. Obama, and "America’s Pulse" host E.D. Hill’s reference to a fist pound between Obama and his wife as a "terrorist fist jab." This is just the tip of the iceberg.

- A Christopher Hitchens essay on a proof for evolution in the Planet Earth series.

Great Mike Tyson Quotes

"I'm pretty much a pirate titan..."

Christopher Hitchen Volunteers for Waterboarding

He did it for a Vanity Fair column on waterboarding. Watch to eliminate any doubt about it being torture.

Scramble

-I just found out about Scramble on Facebook. I'm addicted. If you want to challenge me, I will play you. I will most-likely lose, as I'm not very good. Nevertheless, it is fun.

-This is pretty cool (psyche!), from www.speaker.gov.

"The New York Times reports that the Bush Administration’s Department of Health and Human Services is drafting a rule that would place new restrictions on domestic family planning programs. While current law allows health care providers and professionals to refuse to provide abortions based on their religious beliefs, this provision would threaten the funding of organizations and health facilities if they do not hire people who would refuse to provide birth control and defines abortion so broadly that it would include many types of birth control, including oral contraception."

-I like that it's now out that Jesse Jackson dropped an N-Bomb in his Obama rant. I hope Don Imus protests and demands that Jackson never be on TV again. He's such a hypocrite. Not only this, but he and Sharpton had a funeral for the word, a real funeral, in which they supposedly "burried it." It was never to be uttered again. They protested Nas and others for saying it. It was the dumbest form of symbolism I've seen in a few years. "Should we just go with the metaphor?" No, let's actually have a funeral, with a casket and everything. We'll pretend it's a person, even though it's a word. We'll claim victimization and oppression, then we'll suppress peoples' rights to say a word, much like is done in countries where official oppression takes place. Then let's say the word on TV after getting someone fired for making a bad joke (A joke, not a comment, like Jackson made) that was tame in comparison.

Jesse Jackson and Al Sharpton need to stop pretending that they're the voices of Black America. The news networks need to stop pretending as well. They make every black friend and family member of mine just as uncomfortable as they make me. When there's a race issue, the media needs to turn to Cornell West, Roland Martin and Eric Dyson.

Crucial Element Shows Added

We're doing a Crucial Element show with Jimes on Saturday in Brooklyn. We'll be performing for about 30 minutes. Jimes will do the same. This show will be a ton of fun. Come to it. Info:
9pm-ish, Saturday, July 19
at BODEGA
1089 Broadway
Brooklyn, New York
Probably at least $5, maybe
http://www.myspace.com/bodegabk

If you're in DC, we're co-headlining a show with Larry Poon at Solly's on August 16th at 8pm. Jay Hastings will host. And we'll have a special appearance by Tom Myers. More info available soon.

Hispanic Holes

-I was in my friend John's wedding on Saturday. John Luoma and Jim Luoma are twins whom I mention here pretty frequently. We have an annual election amongst our friends, with a weighted electoral college, to decide which has been the best twin of the year. We do ads, debates and everything. One of our friends is putting together a website for John's campaign this year. Here is the background.
I mentioned John's bachelor party a little over a month ago. Jim and I sat in a hot-tub, while other guys stood around watching us, and claiming that we were gay, not themselves for watching two guys in a hot-tub. Apparently Jim really likes Jacuzzis. Over the weekend, four of our friends stayed in a suite that had a Jacuzzi in the bathroom. But the bathroom wall that held the Jacuzzi opened up, so it was visible to the whole room. Seems like a bad idea because the whole bathroom becomes visible.
As soon as Jim entered the room, which wasn't his, he stripped down to his boxers and got in. He was staying 10 minutes away. I asked if he was staying long. He said, "Just taking a bath and leaving." Glen said, "I wish I didn't just take a shit, or I would drop one right on Jim's stomach right now." You have to understand that there were about 8-10 people hanging out, and one was hanging out in a tub. It was an odd choice for Jim. So I offered, "I can shit. How much for me to shit on the toilet next to him?" I was offered $5, and that's all it took. I walked in and did it. At first, people looked in disbelief. Then they turned their heads, laughing as I shat all the way to the bank.
My girlfriend was offered around $200 to do it, with Glen putting up $100. She declined. It put things in perspective for me though. To them I am a 40:1 favorite over her to shit in toilets that are next to someone in a tub.

-On Monday, Jermaine Fowler and I went to the West 4th St basketball courts (The Cage), to watch a "pro" summer-league game. Most spectators didn't care about who won. We just wanted to see a good game. But the guy in front of us was rooting for one team in the way that really annoying people root for their home-team. He had nothing invested in the team. No friends, or relatives on the team. He just decided that a team that would exist for eight weeks, would be his favorite compilation of anything for those eight weeks.
From the first possession, the guy was yelling, "That's that all day shit. All day shit... That's that water shit. Water shit, right there!" He was yelling. People on all sides of the court were disturbed.
He even tried to argue calls with the refs. "That's a travel, you blind motherfucker. He didn't dribble. What else could it be?... blind motherfucker."
Every time the other team would be in front of him, he would yell, "Watch your back!" In the third quarter, he yelled it while a guy shot and hit a three, right in front of him. As the player was making his way up the court, he calmly asked, "Why do you keep saying that?" The guy lost his mind! I thought someone was going to be killed. He started yelling like a WWF wrestler, "What did you say, motherfucker? Motherfucker, no one fucks with me, 'cause I ain't one to be fucked with. Come over here right now, and I will fuck you up. I ain't no joke..." Then he turned to me and asked if he looked like a joke. I was laughing, because he was a joke, but nodded my head 'no,' in an effort to avoid getting beat up by a joke.
The guy continued, "Come off the court right now, and I will fuck you up. That's okay. Then after the game. I'm gonna hurt yo' ass..." He wouldn't stop. It was awkward. Children were terrified. They will have nightmares for years. I still have nightmares because I saw Thriller when I was two. This will be these kids' Thriller.
A few minutes later, a guy on the other team hit a shot and got fouled. This guy was a former NBA player. Very good. But the crazy guy yelled at him, "You traveled. That's why you suck. You a little bitch. That's what you are." While waiting to take his free-throw, the player turned and said to the guy, "Hey man. What bus do you drive? I'd like to ride it sometime." The guy shot back, "I drive the 36." That insult didn't work. He had to be thinking, what are the odds that you insult someone with a hypothetical and it actually applies? The end-result of the insult was the guy thinking that someone wanted to ride his bus. He probably thought the player was trying to make friendship. To clarify that it wasn't a gesture of goodwill, the player grabbed and swung his nuts in circles, in a wax-on-wax-off fashion, as he made his way down court. I think that sent the message.
Anyway, right after this, Jermaine and I befriended the crazy guy. We talked for the next 15 minutes. He was pretty cool.
Almost forgot, this game was heavily attended by crackheads. At one point, a guy with dreads stood up, and started hopping back and forth, from right foot to left foot, while clapping his hands over his head, and yelling, "Get big! Get big!" He did this for about 10 seconds. It was cute.

-In Texas, a judge and attorney objected to another attorney describing a situation in which paperwork was seemingly dissappearing as a "black hole." The offended claimed it's racist to call something a black hole. They suggested calling it a "white hole." The problem being that white holes don't consume matter, but do the opposite - think of a fire hydrant that has been opened up. I could see a crackhead thinking that black hole is a racist term. But one would think that a judge and attorney had at some point in their lives taken a physics class, or at least avoided being retarded.

This picture illustrates why the metaphor was used. This is a NASA picture of a black hole destroying a star. Badass.


-If you like basketball, or sports stories, here is a great ESPN article about how one Tracy McGrady dunk on a guy in high school changed both of their lives. It turned one into an 18-year-old early NBA draft pick. And it sent the other, with possible the brightest future in that year's high school class, down a spiral that led to his death at the age of 27.

Video for Ohdrama

Here is our Crucial Element video, slideshow rather, endorsement. Enjoy. Send to friends.

How is refusing to honor racists bad?

A 51-year-old scientist, with 29 years of experience in his North Carolina state lab was forced to retire for his refusal to lower the flags to half-staff, in order to honor one of the the most hate-filled elected members of our government in recent memory, Senator Jesse Helms. North Carolina calls it insubordination. I call it a conscience.

Read the story.

Ahh, Facebook...

I've done my best to avoid joining groups on Facebook. But today, I was invited to join RAINN. I opened the link to see what RAINN is. It said, "RAINN (Rape, Abuse & Incest National Network)." Now, I'm not into joining groups. But how do I decline something that I'm such a huge fan of. Kidding. Easy joke. The point is, people on Facebook have found a way to guilt people into aligning with them. How can I decline something that is meant to spread awareness about rape, abuse and inscest? You can't. If it was on TV, I would say, "That sucks," then I would make a sandwich, or have some Oreo's, depending on whether or not I had already eaten a sandwich. Now that people can directly ask me to support their cause, pretty soon, I will be a member of thousands of groups, thus diminishing the importance of the Josh Groban Fan Group, of which I'm not only a member, but I'm also the president. Did he just quote a commercial from 20 years ago? Is that the best he can come up with? Yes. I'm tired.

Go Green, but not like that.

-Okay, I'm very environmentally conscious. However, the next time I see someone wearing a shirt that says "Go Green," or "I'm Organic," I'm going to walk up to them and shake them like bad people shake babies. This is about as low as it gets on the marketing integrity scale. Recycling and conservation are just things you do because otherwise you're wasting resources. It's not meant to be a fad, trend, marketing tool, bragging point or t-shirt slogan. But, of course assholes are using the idea of conservation to make money, while morons are buying the shirts. I don't know if a portion of the proceeds from these shirts goes to a cause. Even if it does, who cares. Environmental groups do nothing but make the general public think that if you care about the environment, then you're an annoying, hippy. That's because environmental groups tend to be run by annoying, hippies. The more money and visibility that they have, the worse-off their issue is.

Anyone want to get on board with an idea I have to make shirts that say, "Just Say No to AIDS!"? I think it will be a big seller. AIDS is so hot this summer. We'll even make gym-shorts that say "I got my T-Cells" on the ass. I think we can make a shit load of money by exploiting a serious problem. Come on, who's on board?

-On the way to the Jersey Shore over the weekend, I passed a pawn show with a sign in the window that read: "German WWII Memorabilia Wanted!" Um, who do they think they're fooling? I don't think I've ever heard anyone say "German WWII" anything. But why? Oh, that's right, because they were Nazis. People just call them Nazis. Because they're Nazis. As in Nazis. Hitler. Nazis. They are trying to collect Nazi memorabilia. In other words, they want more Nazi memorabilia than they currently have. One would presume this is because they feel that they don't have enough. The question is: How much Nazi memorabilia is enough? Most say "none." This pawn shop says "more." The fact that I thought it was illegal to privately own Nazi memorabilia is just a side-note at this point. I thought it was relegated to museums. The real issue is that New Jersey has a market for Nazi memorabilia. Or, did this pawn shop just severely misread their clientele? I have a feeling it's the latter, which is hilarious. I'm picturing the owner approaching all of the customers, "Nope, we don't have any boom-boxes. Can I interest you in a swastika-emblazoned arm-band? No? Your loss, bro. Your loss. How about a 'geSTAPo! Hammer-Time' t-shirt?"

- Higher CO2 Levels May Be Good for Plants
This is from a conservative news site that I frequent. The problem with the article title is that it insinuates that higher CO2 concentrations might not be bad after all. The other misleading aspect is that we've known that CO2 is "Good for" plants for, I don't know, 100 years? I thought it was pretty much out there that humans exhale CO2 and plants absorb it. Has that info not fully made its way through society? That's like saying, "Higher Oxygen Levels May Be Good for Humans." No shit. The problem is that it's bad for everything but plants, dickface. Who am I calling a dickface? I don't know, but it felt right.

- I've mentioned before that I'm working a temp-job for the summer. We have a lot of conference calls and meetings that are boring, and I'd even say unnecessary. To break the monotony during a meeting last week, I sent my boss an instant-message, while he was speaking, that said, "A/S/L?" I can't think of a funnier thing that could be done in a meeting.

I can't use the guy's real first name for this, because I can't. But someone named Bob Fagot just got promoted to partner in the company. How funny is it that his name is Fagot and his job-title is "Partner"? The answer is "Very Funny, Ryan."

- My roommate and I were in a Rite-Aid in Jersey City (Which was just voted as the 12th worst place in the universe, by the Academy of the Universe). While waiting in line to pay, a kid in front of us, about 6, pleaded to him mom, "Can I get the candy?" The mom stared at him for a half-second and replied in a tone previously only spoken by the villain of Superman 2, Zebulon. "You can get nothing. You can stand right here and get nothing. That's what you can get as you stand here." If you're counting; He can stand right here x2, and he can get nothing x3.

- You aren't supposed to say anything negative about the recently deceased, but it's pretty awesome that Jesse Helms died. To paraphrase someone, although I forgot who said it, he was the last surviving openly, and unapologetic racist member of Congress. The guy supported Apartheid in South Africa, and hated Martin Luther King Jr more than James Earl Ray did. One time, Helms and Ray were hanging out, when Helms made one of his staple remarks about MLK, and Ray replied, "Look, I don't like the guy, but that was just racist. Man... awkward." Moments later, Helms was removed from Ray's Top Friends.
Here's a blog that compiled a list of praise for Helms from conservative media personalities, and Republican members of the government, including President Bush and John McCain. The praise for Helms is followed by a plethora of increasingly offensive statements made by the dickhead over the years. That's right, Jesse Helms was the dickhead from above. The following is one of the most-offensive things he said:
"Appearing on “Larry King Live” in 1995, Jesse Helms, then the senior senator from North Carolina, fielded a call from an unusual admirer. Helms deserved the Nobel Peace Prize, the caller gushed, “for everything you’ve done to help keep down the niggers.” Given the rank ugliness of the sentiment — the guest host, Robert Novak, called it, with considerable understatement, “politically incorrect” — Helms could only pause before responding. But the hesitation couldn’t suppress his gut instincts. “Whoops, well, thank you, I think,” he said."