In order to make the presidential campaign more fun, I'm assigning nicknames to the candidates. I expect these nicknames to stick. I want conversations about the election to sound like conversations about Wrestlemania. From now on, there is no Barack Obama, and no John McCain. There is only Black Gold and Dusty Roberts aka Mr. Cheeks. Spread the word.
Thanks to everyone who came out to the show in Wayne, Nebraska last night. By coming to the show, you are now officially cool. Congratulations. You've made it.
This isn't comedy related, but something that's been bothering me.
I hate how McCain uses his POW status to validate everything. It's usually his subordinates who do so, not himself. Regardless, it's the same thing. The two most ridiculous cases have been on Hannity and Colmes, when a bunch of conservative pundits were ripping Edwards for his affair. Colmes pointed out that if an affair disqualifies someone from office, then what about McCain's multiple admitted affairs. Hannity led the charge of, He was a POW, so he can do that, and the other pundits got on his back.
Here's the latest installment. When asked about why the Senator didn't know how many houses he owns, his spokesman responded, "This is a guy who lived in one house for five and a half years -- in prison."
Baseball and softball are being eliminated from the Olympics due to lack of popularity. Really? I'm currently watching rhythmic gymnastics. Women twirl around ribbons. That's it. Is that more popular than baseball and softball? No, it isn't (neither is Men's 25M Air Pistol, which is somehow an Olympic sport). It's not even fun to watch. I just like listening to the announcers get excited about a ribbon. My life would peak if only an announcer would say, "Next up: Sasha Vultinov, from the Ukraine. Watch out. Anything can happen when this bitch gets her hands on a ribbon." I can't think of anything in my life that would top that.
My friend, Sean Gabbert, is a very funny comic. He has very bad luck with headshots though. Here is his new one:
His Facebooke page is littered with comments, including my first comment of:
"1) Did you get your headshot at Olan Mills?
or
2) Can I sign your yearbook?
or
3) Are you gonna get re-takes?
or
4) SENIORS RULE!!!!
I'm trying to say it looks like a high school yearbook photo."
AND
"OMG, did you get a date to the Sadie Hawkins yet?"
This reminded me of his first headshot. The photographer only took three pictures and said, "I got what I wanted." Then he did a little Photoshopping with the background. It was the worst anything ever. I asked Sean if he has a copy of this headshot. He doesn't. So, I recreated it. Here is an estimation of his original headshot.
My point is, you should watch your sodium intake at every meal.
- We did a Crucial Element show with Larry Poon, Jay Hastings and Tom Myers over the weekend. In the show, I coined a new term for sex. This doesn't really work if you're a regular guy, and it definitely doesn't work if you're a girl. It pretty much only works for food-court thugs. If you are a food-court thug, and you see a girl in line at Panda Express, and you tell you're friend you're going to talk to her, the friend will respond, "She got an ass." To that, you will say, "Yo, I'm just trying to get these nuts dirty." I'm hoping this catches on.
-I've been watching the Olympics non-stop, literally. All day, all night. Gymnastics is/are (what is a gymnastic?) awesome. I say we give them all medals. After every routine, I yell, "That's the best thing I've ever seen. Gold." They're all doing basically the same thing. Give everyone medals. Special Olympics style. The only event I'm not into is rings. I can watch for about 4 minutes, then I'm like, "I get it, you're strong. Now let me see some flips."
-If you have ever played Bar Golf, you are a douche. If you have plans to play in the future, cancel. You will become a douche. You can do the drinking, but if you get dressed up for it, I will hunt you down and pee on you. I'm not going to describe what Bar Golf is, because if you don't already know, you don't want to know.
-My friend, Erin Jackson, is going to be on Ellen next month. That is crazy. Check her out. She's great.
-If you've only done something once in your life, you can't refer to the experience as "Back when I..." It's just "When I..." Throwing in "back" makes it sound like you did it often, and over a long period of time. A friend, whom I won't name, but refer to as "Friend 6" for no particular reason, is what you would refer to as "not athletic." Many of my other friends are, including two who played in a rugby league in college. They invited Friend 6 to play with them. In his first or second practice, he was learning how to be in a scrum, or scrum, or whatever the terminology is. This is what a scrum looks like: They get in that position, heads down, and push. Friend 6 did this, and forgot to put his head down. As a result, his head was nearly ripped off, and his rugby career was ended. The career lasted about 4 hours, including the drive to and from practice. I should also note that this happened in 2001. He did something for a few hours, 7 years ago, and he still talks about it. We were hanging out on Friday, and he said, "Reminds me of back when I played rugby..." I cut him off with a stern, "Shut your fucking mouth." It was the third time he had mentioned it in the past few months. He was saying that something totally unrelated to rugby and getting your head ripped off reminded him of rugby and getting his head ripped off. He just wanted to remind everyone that at one point in his life, he played a sport for a few minutes. Somehow he forgot that if he wanted to sound tough, he could just say, "Reminds me of when I was fighting in a war in Baghdad..." and we would have been like, 'Oh yeah, Friend 6 isn't a pussy." But instead, he reminds us of his short-lived rugby career, and that we used to play football in college. Every time, we would have him and his brother on opposite teams, marking each other. As soon as the ball was snapped, they would start to wrestle each other, like little girls, until everyone else broke up the fight. Note: If you want people to think you're tough, mention being a veteran over playing rugby for a few minutes and wrestling your brother.
-I gave blood last week. They were supposed to put a needle in a vein and remove blood. However, they decided to do some exciting extracurricular activities as well, including: PIERCE A TENDON, and STAB MY BICEP! The result:
That's the beginning of the 8 inch bruise, which is now black. Just after giving blood, I sent this email to a friend.
I had always been scared to do it. Good reason, I guess. They stabbed a muscle in my arm (not hard to do), and I have a huge knot now. Never mind that. I did it in exchange for two movie passes and an $8 lunch voucher. The reason I'm telling you this is, I was about to walk into the blood room with my supervisor, when I stopped and said, "Shit. I have AIDS. Is that going to be a problem?" He said that's not funny. I said that since I have AIDS, I can make jokes about it, just like amputees can make fun of themselves. He said, "Still not funny." I reminded him who gets paid to be funny.
I've mentioned this before, but I can never do it enough: I hate New York. It's not the city itself, but the people. About 60% of New Yorkers are complete assholes. 15% are hipsters. And the other 25%, who are normal, don't make up for the assholes and hipsters. Even if it was 75% normal and 25% shitty, I think 25% would be too high to overcome. So, we're at more than 3x the acceptable shitty threshold. I don't know how this many people, all living in one place can be assholes. You can't say, "It's a city. People in cities are dicks." Not true. A few examples to the contrary: DC, Seattle, Minneapolis-St. Paul, Chicago, Denver, Portland, San Francisco, and just about every other city.
Here's what happened...
Actually, before we get to the subject of the email, one thing... You know you're going to bomb if you start your set off by saying that you live in Jersey City, and mention how shitty it is, and roughly half of the audience responds, as if rehearsed, "I LIVE IN JERSEY CITY AND IT'S NICE." It threw me off. I thought they had to be joking. They were not. I told them, "Besides the fact that it's full of trash and always smells like piss... we'll dismiss those things... Yes, I'm dismissing the fact that the entire city smells like piss, and walking down the street involves doing a trash slalom. I'm being very generous. But how about this: Yesterday, I there were two kids in the street, one with a toy gun, the other with a stick, which he held as a gun. And they were pretending to kill everyone that passed. Then at 10pm, my roommate and I went to get Chinese food and ran into two other 5-6-year-olds who were without parents, in the street, having a sword fight with big sticks." These people weren't phased. They looked at me like, "Yeah, so. We gangsta wit' it in JC." I can't explain how pissed off I am that people think Jersey City is nice. It's like they've never been anywhere else in the world. They have no basis for comparison. So, here's what I'm pledging to do: If I'm ever president or a super-hero, just after I make the manufacturing of single-ply toilet paper a felony punishable by drowning, I will force everyone in Jersey City to move somewhere else for one year. Then they will never come back. Then people who aren't idiot assholes can move into Jersey City. Done.
Okay... Bananas and grapes.
I'm working at a temp job, and there's a fruit stand in front of the building. I buy fruit in the morning, usually from another stand, because the one in front of the building is inexplicably more expensive. Sometimes I forget to buy from the others and am forced to buy from this asshole. Last week, I wanted bananas and some grapes. The guy tried to force me to buy three pounds of grapes. I told him I only want a half-pound, because I'm not trying to make juice. He insisted that I can't separate the grapes. I showed him that I can, and tore the bunch to the size that I wanted. I have since bought 5 bananas from him. Everyone else sells bananas for $0.35. This dickface sells, or I should say 'sold', them for $0.50. Yesterday, once again, I forgot to buy a banana from a guy who isn't a dick. So, I went to this guy's stand, grabbed a banana, and held out a dollar for him. He yelled, "One dollar!" "I'm only getting one." "One dollar!" "I only want one. It says here that it's two for a dollar." "One dollar! Two banana, one dollar!" "I don't want two banana." "You eat two banana. You no buy one banana." "You're trying to make me eat two bananas?" "One dollar, two banana!" "I bought one banana from you yesterday and about 20 other times." "Two banana minimum." "You're a dick."
Then I bought two bananas, because I was scared. I felt like he knew something that I didn't know. Why else would he force bananas on me? I'm also wondering if the comedy club standard of two-drink minimum influenced the guy. If so, this would count as irony.
This is what it has come to. We're comparing the candidates by their favorite songs. It's hilarious. What were Lincoln's and Douglas's favorite songs? No one knows, because it doesn't matter.
Blender Magazine had each candidate list their 10 favorites. Some choices are expected and some are funny.
Obama's list:
1. Ready or Not - Fugees Okay, let's hope his list is in no particular order. Although I like it when Lauryn Hill says, "Defacatin' on your microphone," I don't know how this could be anyone's favorite. It's the Fugees. They're good, but favorite song ever? Really? I wouldn't be surprised if he gets attacked for listing as his favorite song, one which contains the lyric " If I could rule the world, Everyone would have a gun in the ghetto, of course." That's not a popular stance. Nevertheless, a high-five to Obama for having to balls to go with this song. 2. What's Going On - Marvin Gaye A Marvin Gay song? Figures. Democrats are always pandering to the gayes. 3. I'm On Fire Bruce - Springsteen You're on fire? Still pandering to gay voters. 4. Gimme Shelter - Rolling Stones Shelter from the gay storm? 5. Sinnerman - Nina Simone I don't know this song, but Nina Simone was awesome. 6. Touch the Sky - Kanye West Is this the same Kanye West who is the Number 3 in Al Qaeda. I knew Obama is a terrorist. 7. You'd Be So Easy to Love - Frank Sinatra I heard Sinatra is gay and loves abortions. 8. Think - Aretha Franklin Yeah, think before you cast your vote for a terrorist. (I'm clearly joking about all of this . The list is real, but my comments are not.) 9. City of Blinding Lights - U2 I hate U2 so much. 10. Yes We Can - will.i.am If someone wrote a song for me, I think it would make my list as well. Can someone write a song about me called, "The Second Guy was Funny"?
McCain: 1. Dancing Queen - ABBA I swear I didn't make that up. You can look this list up. John McCain's favorite song is probably the gayest song ever. Maybe second, behind "What, What, In My Butt." If all Republicans knew this, he would get a total of 16 votes. 2. Blue Bayou - Roy Orbison Little known fact: Roy Orbison was a KGB operative. Some say he was responsible for the Challenger explosion as well. 3. Take a Chance On Me - ABBA What the fuck? Another ABBA song? Two in the top 10 means it's his favorite group. I'm an issues voter. I don't care about the personal life of a candidate one bit, but this is a huge red flag. If your favorite group/band is ABBA, Manfred Mann, Simply Red, Toto, or Mike and the Mechanics (like Gareth from The Office), you shouldn't be in charge of anything. 4. If We Make It Through December - Merle Haggard No complaints here. The guy was tortured as a P.O.W. He can be a Merle Haggard fan. 5. As Time Goes By - Dooley Wilson If you ever want to remind people that you're old as shit, literally as old as the existence of shit, pick a song and artist that predates the polio vaccine. 6. Good Vibrations - The Beach Boys Good choice. 7. What A Wonderful World - Louis Armstrong There you go. 8. I've Got You Under My Skin - Frank Sinatra That's the ticket. 9. Sweet Caroline - Neil Diamond Hmm... This is my favorite karaoke song. I can't even picture myself listening to it just to listen. I don't know what to think about this. 10. Smoke Gets In Your Eyes - The Platters Are you kidding me? The Platters were the group for people who thought the Four Tops and Temptations were too loud and showy. If someone is a huge Platters or Stylistics fan, rest assured that they are boring, old, and THEY LOVE AMERICA... AND SCRABBLE! Fox News did a poll a few weeks ago asking which candidate loves America more. I'm serious.
-I watched Blood Diamond yesterday. Great story. A few unnecessary Disney moments. It shows child soldiers in Sierra Leone, who are brain-washed by the country's rebels, and in turn become rebels. These kids carry guns and kill non-rebels without remorse. Apparently I got a mild form of post-traumatic stress disorder from the movie. I watched it at my friend's place in Elizabeth, NJ. When I got back to my lovely neighborhood in Jersey City, there were two kids in the street, who looked to be no older than six. One was holding a toy rifle. The other a tree branch, but held like a rifle. They were "killing" everyone who walked or drove by. I panicked as I thought we were at a rebel checkpoint. I was looking for my pistol, which doesn't exist. In my head, I was going over the accent., "We R.U.F.! Don't shoot! We R.U.F.!" In case you're wondering, there were no parents with the kids, in a neighborhood where I don't feel safe walking around in at night. Just a couple kids outside killing people. No biggie.
- I saw Dark Knight. Badass. I'm assuming you've seen it as well. Did you notice that in the Coke commercial prior to the movie, the football teams are segregated? What's up with that?
- Last night, during Olympic coverage, Bob Costas interviewed President Bush, and the president spoke like a president. It was weird. It only took 92 months, but he's finally sounding presidential. Better than nothing. He has four more months to flex his newfound skill of speaking like an adult. He even knew basic facts that a president should know, such as the fact that Russia's president is Dimitri Medvedev, not Putin, as McCain continues to assert.
- I've said it before, and I'll say it again. I would rather hang out with racists than hipsters. At least racist people have a personality (Actually, it's probably a tie). It may be offensive, but it's less offensive than apathy towards EVERYTHING. Apathy is what allows racists to have power. Shit. See how I did that? I just blamed the Holocaust on hipsters. I'm going to ride that argument as far as it will take me. I did a show a couple weeks ago at a hipster venue. When you enter, you cross a walkway that is suspended above a 3-4" pool of water that appears to the the product of a ceiling leak. I asked what was going on with the water. I was informed that it's an art exhibit. It's just water on a black floor. Fucking really? Art? In the same vain that Jerry Seinfeld points out in Comedian that once someone does one show, they can call themselves a comedian, the same title as Bill Cosby, someone who poured a little water on the floor is calling themselves the same thing that Van Gogh was. I really hate hipsters.
- Dane Cook started a trend of nostalgic comedy about the 80s. I realize that it's not cool to defend Dane Cook, but I have to on this. It's his thing. Now, a ton of hipster comics who talk shit about Dane, calling him a hack, are ripping his style. It's hysterical. I'm not going to state any names, but watch Last Comic Standing. And it's rampant in NYC. Dane had stories to go along with his nostalgia, or something funny to go along with it. Now I keep seeing people who just ask if the audience remembers something, then they describe what it is, and people laugh while saying, "Oh yeah, I loved fruit roll-ups." For the record, everyone remembers all of the following:
Juice Boxes Pogo Sticks Pogo Balls 4-Square Atari Pong The 80s Pudding The 90s Any point in time. Wuzzles Sesame Street Mr Rogers Popsicles Hula-Hoops Simon M.C. Hammer He-Man Dolph Lundgren Rainbow Brite Small Wonder Urkel Full House After-School Specials Ian Zerring Big League Chew Hugs (the juice, not the embrace) Lunchables Rubik's Cubes Etch-a-Sketches Dane Cook's jokes
- I recently met two NYC comics who are hilarious. Check them out if you get a chance. They are Taylor Williamson (recent transplant from L.A.) and David Cope (Seattle).
- I'm working at a temp job for a few months. Last week, I was waiting for the elevator with a group of Hispanic women who were discussing another coworker. I guess they thought that I don't speak Spanish, so they spoke freely. I don't speak fluently, as I've forgotten most of what I learned, but I still remember all of the profanity. My favorites being hoder, and cono. Their conversation went like this. "Eh, cono." "No cono." "Si, cono." "Ella no cono." This argument lasted for about 20 seconds. Cono means cunt.
- Fred Smoot plays corner for the Redskins. As a rookie, several years ago, he did an interview with my local paper in Woodbridge. He was asked, "If you could have dinner with anyone who has ever lived, who would it be?" Options on the table: Jesus, Aristotle, Socrates, Alexander the Great, Martin Luther King Jr., etc... With those options available, he responded, "Free (her name), the host of 106 & Park on BET, most definitely." He had a hypothetical question in which he could have had dinner with any historical figure, and he went with someone he could just call and say, "I'm Fred Smoot. I play in the NFL. Let's have dinner," and they would have dinner. In a recent Washington Post interview, he said the following of his lifestyle. "I settled down man. See, c'mon, Fred Smoot, when you first met me I was about 20 years old. C'mon, now I'm 28, 29. C'mon. As time goes on we get older, we make better decisions." Two big issues. 1. He refers to himself in the first-person. 2. He's not sure of his age. Maybe the wisdom of his statement counters the fact that he doesn't know his age. "As time goes on we get older..." So true. So true.
- This Edwards coverage is pissing me off. An affair by a politician is getting bigger headlines than a war being waged by Russia on Georgia. Here's what pisses me off about this, and I'll be candid about this. John Edwards is my favorite political figure since RFK. I don't see how him cheating on his wife tarnishes that one bit. It proves he isn't perfect in his home life. No one is. John McCain cheated on his ex-wife with multiple women at once, and has talked about it openly. Does that make him less fit to be president? No. It's irrelevant. Most of our greatest presidents had affairs. It's bad for their marriages, but has nothing to do with the way they run the country or their ideals. Nicholas Sarkozy, president of France, cheated on his wife while president, with a supermodel. He then left his wife and married the supermodel. It makes him a shitty husband to his first wife, but has nothing to do with his political ideology or political effectiveness. The thing that bothers me the most about this is that it's a family issue. The Edwards' worked out this issue two years ago. Now the wound is being reopened for no reason. It's no one's business. I saw a headline that read, "Edwards Lied as Presidential Candidate." No shit. Find me a presidential candidate who hasn't lied. The difference is that the others lie about things of consequence for the nation. Obama has an ad that's currently running that lies about the amount McCain has received from the oil industry. McCain is running three ads right now that are complete lies. Are there headlines of "McCain Lied as Presidential Candidate"? No. There are op-eds buried deep inside The New York Times and Washington Post. Edwards has been the moralist candidate in the past two elections, which has caused people to call him a hypocrite. It does make him a hypocrite. But we all are. We all make mistakes. He's human and doesn't deserve to be judged as a god. He framed every item on the agenda of this campaign season. His ideas got relatively no media attention when he was stating them. Believe it or not, but practically every good idea that you've heard from Obama and Clinton on health care, the environment, trade/labor, education, tax reform and economics was plagiarized from Edwards' 80-page campaign manifesto, and various speeches, albeit without the specificity of Edwards' plans. His ideas got almost no media attention, while an old affair has received more attention than a war. People need to get their priorities in order. Believing that something like this has a bearing on a person being able to govern, is a product of the same mentality that led people to vote for Bush because they thought he would be fun to have a beer with.
Here is a CNN article about segregated churches. The tone of the article suggests it's acceptable, and the parishioners think there's nothing wrong with it. It's like they threw religion into the mix, like sugar into Kool-Aid, and made racism okay.
