New Idea for Pardons

Since presidential pardons are often controversial, I have an alternative idea. I like the idea of having a one-hour window for jail-breaks. If you can get out, you're pardoned. This will really mix things up on the streets too - keep the cops on their feet. 

Adolescent Masturbatory Hall of Fame Voting

Vote or Die!

CNN Too

Fox News has already brought MSNBC down to their level, with the exception of a few shows. At times, it looks like CNN is on its way too.  Last night, I did a joke about flipping back and forth between Hardball and Fox News during the 5 o' clock hour, yesterday. While Hardball addressed the economy the entire time, Fox News had three subjects: Natalie Holloway (the root of "news" is "new"), an SNL sketch and a jet pack that some guy flew across a gorge. To be honest, Fox's coverage of the jet pack was fair and balanced.

CNN, this morning, on its front page listed "Kitty Goes Zoomba on a Roomba." Although the video is adorable, I would prefer to find it on YouTube. At first, I dismissed it as a one-off non-news video. Then I saw the next video in the queue: "Bobcat Stuck on a Pole."

RANK Them Comment

Scott asked about the following:

-Uncontrollable Loud Flatulence
-Habitual Rancid Breath
-Albino

and

-Freakishly into Weightlifting
-Really big forehead
-Extremely short (4'9") with really long arms (6'4" from middle finger to middle finger)

Al and I have used all but two of these, but not on my site, and not in concert with one another. Weightlifting and long arms on a short person are new to us. Very good choices.

I have to say: Albino, farter, halitosis. It's tough between a farter and halitosis, but if I'm going to have to deal with constant shit smell, I would prefer that it comes from her ass, instead of her mouth.

For the second one: Big forehead (assuming it's not a receding hairline, in which case this will always be last), monkey proportions, weightlifter. This was interesting, but not incredibly difficult. The rules of the game state that the forehead must be prominent, not covered by hair, but I still think it's the top choice. I'm really into monkeys, so that's kind of a novelty choice. Weightlifter is going to go in the same category as mustache and no vaginal opening.

Adolescent Masturbatory Hall of Fame

I'm hanging out with my friend, Al. The last time we hung out, we came up with the RANK Them game. This time: The Adolescent Masturbatory Hall of Fame. This is for people and things from late-1992 through 1994.

I have listed nominees in all three obvious categories. There is also space for write-ins. Please vote. The top two in each category will be inducted into the Adolescent Masturbatory Hall of Fame on December 5.

The 2008 Induction Nominees:

Update

Al and I have been playing the game for three days now, and we're both really warming up to amputees, but still very cold on receding hairlines. Elf ears are making a strong push.

For Seriously?

What the hell is happening here? Why did anyone think this was a good setting for an interview? "How about if we do it in front of turkey's being slaughtered? That should spread the Thanksgiving spirit!"

Freestyle Translation

Thanks to Danny Rouhier for sharing this.

Better Than Parcheezy

Last night, I hung out with my friend, Al. One of our favorite pastimes is watching terrible movies. Favorites include: Boxing Helena, Roadhouse, American Ninja 1-4, Guns, Enemy Gold, The Arena and anything featuring a mercenary, cartel, spy, renegade, a Russian, or an avenger. If you check the info on a movie and any of those words come up, watch the movie.

Last night, we watched I Know Who Killed Me, the latest Lindsay Lohan movie, which won 8 Razzies. Normally we don't watch mainstream shitty movies, because they just aren't shitty enough. Snakes on a Plane is the only exception I can think of. Our regular fare is much shittier than any movie that is even eligible for a Razzie nomination. But I Know Who Killed Me surprised us. It was adequately shitty. It didn't have the non-stop laughs of Boxing Helena, and we spent 90% of the movie, actually about 100% of the movie trying to figure out what was happening. But that's a good thing. The movie featured an all-time movie first: for the first time ever in a movie, there was a strip club scene that was so awkward that we wanted it to end immediately. The strip club awkward threshold is pretty high, so this was very awkward. The most inexplicable part of the movie was that Lindsay Lohan would randomly lose digits and limbs. They would just fall off, like fast-acting leprosy. But they never said it was leprosy. Instead, Lohan asked, "Who is doing this to me?" That's not how disappearing digits works. They may have explained the cause of this, but we never caught it. 

And now, the line that made watching the move worth it. One of her fingers fell off in the dressing room of the strip club. She had blood on both hands and a little on her face. She left with a towel wrapped around her new four-fingered hand, with blood dripping out of it, not going to the hospital, because "hospitals are for rich people." Yeah, rich people, and people whose fingers are falling off. She was taking the bus home, when a guy was looking at her. Next thing we knew, she was in his apartment, sitting in a chair while he was on his bed. Here's the line, and this is the entire scene.

Lohan: Aren't you going to ask what happened to me?

Guy: People get cut. That's life.

And... scene. That was it. We both lost it. "People get cut. That's life." Didn't Plato say that in his Allegory of the Cave? What made it better was, for no reason at all, the guy showed up in another scene, said, "People get cut. That's life," then disappeared for the rest of the movie.

Eventually, Lohan was missing her left hand and left foot (isn't that a heart attack symptom?). This prompted Al and I to play a game, a game which I'm going to share with you. We can call it "Rank Them." Is this game a little fucked up? Yes, it is. Is it going to be offensive to some people? Yes. Is this game important? Yes, very. 

It started with me asking Al what it would take for him to have a relationship with an amputee. He responded something along the lines of "hell freezing over." (Note: We're not talking about people who lost a limb in wars. They're excluded from discrimination, and respected even more.) I brought this up, in addition to the movie, because people in relationships act like, "Yeah, if you lost a limb, that wouldn't change things." I will openly say it would. It wouldn't end the relationship, but I would have to institute certain ground rules for the nub, such as: said nub will never be placed on my shoulder when I'm not expecting it. I would scream every time. You don't get used to that. 

So the game started out with the concept of what would it take, in a generic run-off, for an amputee to beat out another medical condition, attribute or state-of-mind. I'll list the choices for each game, without our rankings, except where our responses were unusual. You can play at home. This works for men and women.

Blind 
Deaf
Amputee

* Deaf is the easy winner here. Al went with amputee last, because he can't handle physical abnormalities. I put blind last because I think I would get tired of describing what things look like.

Serious criminal record
Stigmata

Amputee

*Somehow, I think everyone will choose the criminal here, no matter how heinous the crimes were. It's a toss-up between the other two. I think stigmata has to go last, because I think people with stigmata are attention-whores. Here's a question: Who is more likely to be elected President of the United States: An female atheist, a gay black man, or a white man with stigmata?

Amputee
Little person (non-dwarf, just really short, like 4'.
Illiterate

* Little person won for me, while illiterate won for Al, the guy who is getting his MFA in Creative Writing.

Mother of four (ages 2, 4, 6 and 8)
No vaginal opening (real condition)
Amputee

Born with extra body part (Can be anything, depending on your tolerance. Could be an ear, finger or arm.)
Member of remote pygmy tribe (No concept of the modern world.)

500 pounds

Different sized feet (Size 9 on one foot, and a size 2 on the other.)
Former porn star (gang-bang specialist)
Cat lady

*I think a cat lady is worse than a gang-bang specialist at least 90% of the time. Seriously, cat lady ranks about 10 levels below quadruple amputee.

Webbed hands
Hipster
Someone who talks about his or her exes constantly

*I ranked hipster last.

Female mixed martial artist
Polygamist wife/pioneer woman (You get all of the baggage of a polygamist wife or pioneer woman)
Tourettes
*I thought Tourettes was the easy answer, until I talked to Tony Graczyk, who pointed out, "What if it's racist Tourettes?" That's a good point. I don't know if there are categories. There should be. You can have Racist Tourettes, Sexual Tourettes, Asshole Tourettes, etc.

Huge fan of Jewel's poetry
Loves stupid bumper stickers
Ultimate Frisbee enthusiast

*This is tough, because all three are similar. It's nuance that separates them. I ranked them: Jewel, Frisbee, Bumper stickers. I figured at least the Jewel girl is into something that requires her mind. Everyone who played ultimate Frisbee in college didn't shower. That still got them a spot above people who put stickers on their car with messages like, "You should see me on MONDAYS!"

Hairy (except pelvic zone)
Normal amount of hair (except wild pelvic zone)
Depression meds for life

*Of the three people who have answered this, we've had three different answers.

6'9"
Blind
Amputee
No vaginal opening

* This is a tough one. I ranked 6'9" first. Al couldn't do that, because he was concerned that she would have a "freakish gait."

Huge mole on face
Russian Spy
Amputee

*Isn't Russian spy an incentive?

A Step in the Right Direction, Maybe

Fox News didn't renew the contract of E.D. Hill, the anchor who referred to the Obamas' fist-pound as a "terrorist fist jab." If you forgot that moment, here you go: 

I would have let her go as soon as she introduced herself as "E.D." Pick a word. I don't do initials, unless they're common, like TJ, or KT, or JJ. She's on TV and she can't pick a word to go by? Then get her off TV.  I can confidently say that I would never hang out with someone who tells me to call them by their odd combination of initials. This goes for you, E.B. White, J.E.B. Stewart (most-awkward name ever?), E.E. Cummings, and M.C. Esher (Jewish rapper?). If your initials aren't T.J., K.T, or J.J., pick one of your names and go with it.

Exception Note: My paternal grandfather went by B.M. I'm not making that up. Bowel Movement. His name was Bernice Malcom Conner, but he went by B.M. But I called him "Grandpa," which made it okay. Plus, if the initials are funny, they're acceptable too.

Good News-Bad News

I'm watching the Eagles-Bengals game. A Bengals player appeared to hurt his neck. He was stabilized and removed from the field. A few minutes later, the announcer said, "The tests have been run and we have good news. It was just a cervical injury." So, the good news is, it's not serious. The bad news: he's actually a woman.

*** Correction, November 17, 2008***

Two people have informed me that a cervical injury can be a vaginal injury or a shoulder injury. Well, we need to come up with a new word for one of them. If a woman has a toothache, we don't say that she "got kicked in the balls," because we came up with the word "toothache." We shouldn't be reusing biological words.

Public Television

Smart People Not Wanted at Fox News

Fox News mocks Peter Schiff, who pretty much predicted every aspect of the economic crisis. 

Sarah Palin spoke to the press today...

Please translate this for me:

Sitting here in these chairs that I’m going to be proposing but in working with these governors who again on the front lines are forced to and it’s our privileged obligation to find solutions to the challenges facing our own states every day being held accountable, not being just one of many just casting votes or voting present every once in a while, we don’t get away with that. We have to balance budgets and we’re dealing with multibillion dollar budgets and tens of thousands of employees in our organizations.

Bold Comparison

Representative Paul Broun (R-GA), compares Obama to Hitler, then says, "I'm not comparing him to Hitler," then continues to compare Obama to Hitler.

Africa

It turns out that Palin thinking Africa is a country was a hoax. However, there has been no refutation of the claim that she doesn't know the members of NAFTA.

Viva la Dance Revoluccion

-I did a show at Clemson University on Friday. I brought my friend, and Clemson almost-alumn, Jay Hastings to open the show. The school made shirts for the show, and gave me input on the design, which is a cool thing to do. I sent them this picture:

Now, the funny thing about the picture is the way I'm standing, where I'm standing, and the fact that it says, "I'm with Ryan." Why would anyone want to be "with" someone who does things like that. Any other picture wouldn't work.

Because they couldn't print that picture, they sent me a counter-design, in which they took a sillouhette of my headshot, and put words, "I'm with Ryan," below the picture. This made me look like an asshole. I'm not even going to share this picture. It looked like I was either very arrogant, or running for office. I responded, asking if they can change it to say "Stop Snitchin': A night with Ryan Conner and friend." I could have included Jay's name, but thought it would be a nice kick in the nuts to list him as "friend." That shirt was made, and I am happy.

The people who watched the show were good audience members. However there were distractions. The show was in somewhat of an on-campus Dave and Busters. The stage was in a well-lit room. About 100 feet away was a bowling alley. Next to the bowling alley was about 16-20 pool tables. Just past the last row of seats for our audience was several arcade games. Need for Speed is now one of my biggest enemies. Watch out cancer! The cars in that game are louder than real cars. If you weren't listening as closely as possibly could, you would not be able to hear the show at all. This is why they don't have comics at the Daytona 400/500/?00. To the left of the stage, just beyond the last seats, were two ping-pong tables. On the other side of the ping-pong tables: two Dance Dance Revolution games. Luckily they were turned off. Just before the show started, no one was playing ping-pong. Then two Asian girls started playing. Jay said, "How about that? The only two Asian people in the entire building are playing ping-pong." I said, "That's because Dance Dance Revolution is turned off." Neither of us are racist. Five minutes later, DDR was turned on, and these two girls took to it like flies on shit. Some stereotypes are hilarious.

During the show, there were a couple disruptive cheers from the DDR bunch, which ended up being about 20 people, only two of whom were Asian. This blew my mind on two fronts. I thought that the only people who play DDR are 14-year-old Asians and high-school drop-outs. These people were neither. I still have a problem with naming the game Dance Dance Revolution. A revolution? What are they revolting against? A social life? I don't know. I asked them during the show, while scouring the crowd to make sure people had my back (they didn't), and didn't get an answer. It's a goalless revolution. The best kind.

-It's funny how rhetoric works. When you demonize a group, you lose their votes. Muslim-Americans leaned Republican in previous elections. Not this time. Obama - 89%, McCain - 2%.

It Gets Worse

Now that the campaign is over, the McCain campaign is dishing the dirt . 

If you watch this video you will discover two examples of Sarah Palin's inadequacy. 

1. She didn't know the members of NAFTA. I remember learning about NAFTA when I was in 7th grade. It was easy to remember the countries involved because the "NA" stands for North America, and Greenland doesn't do a lot of trading. Therefore, USA, Canada and Mexico. Pretty simple stuff. And about three years ago, CAFTA (Central America) was approved. I bet that would blow her mind. "Central America? You mean like Kansas and Missouri?" No, there are countries to the south of Mexico with whom... "Mexico, like Cancun? Oh yah. Mexico is real cool." No, to the south of Mexico, there are several small countries... "Like Russia?" Yes, but smaller. "I like so don't know when you're jokin' or serious, mister."

2. She thought Africa is a country. I don't even know what to say about this, other than it being an unfair question. Who knows things like this? I always thought Africa was a city. "Hey Sarah, would you say that Africa is a country or a continent?" "I would say it's a country... Oh, wait! You gotcha medias have gotcha'd me for the last gosh darn time."

BBC NEWS TONIGHT

I will be on BBC News tonight talking about the transition from Bush to Obama, in a "homourous" way.

If You're Short on Optimism

It's a long speech. If you don't have time for the whole thing, skip to the 8-minute mark.

Strong Endorsement

Jeffrey Hart, former Nixon and Reagan speechwriter and Senior Editor of The National Review, has endorsed Obama, in what cable news now calls a "full-throated" endorsement, calling Obama "The True Conservative." 

It's interesting, because he examines the candidates' philosophies against the traditional definition of "conservative." The labels of liberal and conservative aren't clear any longer, as the so-called conservative party has no interest in conserving individual liberty, the environment, many free-market principals (subsidies for major corporations, and contempt for competition), respecting sovereignty, and puts nation-building ahead of its own nation's welfare.

Hart supports Obama as a Burkean conservative.  I'm also happy to see a conservative finally acknowledge that privatizing Social Security is a horrendous idea, just barely safer than putting your savings on the craps table. He also addressed abortion and stem-cell research in a way that the wackos who have hijacked the Republican party need to hear.

Ever since Roe vs. Wade, abortion has been a salient controversy in our politics. But the availability of abortion is linked to the long advancement of women's equality. Again, we are dealing with social change, and this requires understanding social change, a Burkean imperative that Obama understands.

On my Dartmouth campus, half the undergraduates are women. They do not want to have their plans derailed by an unwanted pregnancy. In Planned Parenthood vs. Casey, the Court ruled that the availability of abortion "enables women to participate equally in the economic and social life of the country."

Though there is a tragic aspect to abortion, as Obama recognizes, women's equality means that women have control of their reproductive capability. Men don't worry about that. The fact is that 83 percent of elective abortions occur during the first trimester, and decline rapidly after that.

Both Obama and McCain support federal funding of embryonic stem-cell research, Obama more urgently. The conservative movement publications, following Bush, have been fiercely opposed. Such opposition required a belief that a cluster of cells (the embryo) the size of the period at the end of this sentence is as important (more important?) than a seriously ill human being.

I myself cannot fathom such a mentality.

In fact, embryonic stem cell research is being energetically pursued in the following nations: Israel, Singapore, South Korea, Japan, China cooperating with the EU. Privately funded and state funded laboratories are moving ahead vigorously.

Recently, Harvard announced a program that will be part of a multi-billion dollar science center to be established south of the Charles River, and will be able to supply sem cells to other laboratories. I call that Pro-Life.

made

-I don't have cable, and therefore only watch MTV for about 10 minutes per year. Today, at my girlfriend's house, I got my 10-minute fix, and it was a delight. 

Sway interviewed Obama. Obama said a couple things that he probably shouldn't have said on TV as a presidential candidate. He told Sway that his dreads "look tight." And answering a question about some local legislatures making sagging pants a punishable crime, Obama stated that such laws are a waste of time, however, "brothers need to pull up their pants." Sway, getting down to the nitty-grizzly.

The interview was spliced into an episode of MTV's Made. Made is one of the best shows ever, and I forgot about it. They take a kid who can't do shit, give him eight weeks to learn how to do shit, and then prove that he still can't do shit. It is a self-esteem suicide. I love the formula. On one episode, a kid tried to go from "guy who has never played basketball" to "guy on the varsity basketball team." Did he love basketball? No. He just wanted to be popular.  Every episode is about vanity. It's never, "I need a 1500 on my SATs, so I can get into UVA." It's always, "I need to get down to 3% body fat, so I can be on Girls-Gone-Wild with Snoop."

Today's episode, and I only saw the end, featured a fat kid who wanted to become a body builder in eight weeks. Try to find this on MTV.com. The other guys in the contest looked like body-builders. Then this kid came out, at least 40 pounds overweight, wearing a Speedo and glasses. Body-builders don't wear glasses. His flab rolled over his waist-band. He had absolutely zero muscle tone. Basically, they waxed his chest and told him to flex. And boy did he ever flex. I can't describe the poses with words. Just look it up. It was hysterical. Star-Wars kid funny.

-Brad (who is black), the CNN iReporter: I'm the only minority here. My question is, how can you encourage more people in the future to show up? How will you make that happen?

Sarah Palin: We've got to be all about equality. The Constitution preaches. Todd is Alaskan, and if you go up to Alaska, we have a problem with Todd being a minority up there. We live it. We got to do a better job about that. Thanks, Brad.

At this point, does anyone still think she isn't dumb? Really? This is about as bad as it gets.  A couple years ago, Rep. Jack Kingston, of Georgia, was on the Colbert Report, calling himself a "real African-American," because he lived in Africa, where his family had "help." He's white. But living in Africa somehow made him the victim of Jim Crow, slavery, poll-taxes, and lynching. A candidate for VP has now made an equally ignorant statement. Todd Palin is, I believe 1/4, Innuit.  I don't think that's the same as being called the n-word, or being accused of "taking our jobs." I don't think she has the intellect to manage a McDonald's.

That's like me claiming to be a minority, because I'm one of only a few white people in my immediate family.

Why did she throw in the line about the Constitution? Where was she going with that? I think we should take every sentence fragment from her interviews and make her finish the thoughts. And the ending... "We got to do a better job about that." My 3-year-old nephew, Jason, knows the difference between got/have, and about/with. Then again, he's pretty smart for a 3-year-old. Maybe that's not a fair comparison.

http://www.ireport.com/docs/DOC-132425