NFL Predictions

It's pointless, but I want to let the world know that I predicted the Lions would finish 0-16 after Week 5. I also predicted that Dallas would win the Super Bowl.

You Are Sasha Farce

-My roommate just told me to check out the new Beyonce single. It's called Diva, and it's worse than the new Kanye West singles. It's worse than Souljah Boy and Project Pat combined. Listen to a little of this:

It sounds like 1) People are gargling in the background, or 2) They recorded in a room full of monkeys. What is that background sound? There's no discernable melody. Who is buying this?

On top of it just sucking, it's a double disc album. The whole album is 16 tracks, and around 60 minutes, but they put it on two discs to drive up the price. She's a-a-a-a dickface. 

-More hate for New York City...

The most annoying thing about NYC is the arrogance of New Yorkers. Most people in the city are cool. But there's about 20% who think that because they live in NYC, they are better than everyone else. It's not just that they give this impression. They will actually say it to your face.

I hadn't been in the city for two months. I went home yesterday. Last night, I was at a holiday party at a comedy club in the city. All of the comics there were cool. All of the industry people there were cool. But there were some random people there who were invited for reasons that I don't know. Most of them were cool too. But one girl was probably the biggest douche I've met in my life. I'll keep everyone nameless, so let's say I was hanging out with someone named Bob, when we were approached by a girl with whom Bob was acquanted.

Douche: Hey Bob.

Bob: Hey Douche. This is Ryan Conner.

Ryan: Nice to meet you, Douche.

Douche: Yeah.

Beat.

Douche: This is the seventh day in a row that I've either drank or smoked pot.

I didn't know what to say to that. I thought only 18-year-olds bragged about that.

Ryan: Cool. That's productive.

Douche: Whatever. What's your problem? I'm not trying to impress you. 

Ryan: What?

Douche: Why are you talking shit?

Ryan: What are you talking about? I said "That's productive."

Douche: Oh, I thought you said, "That's attractive." I'm not trying to impress you.

Ryan: Why would I have said that? Why would anyone say that?

Douche: I don't know.

No apology.

Douche: So, you and Bob started together in DC?

Ryan: Yeah.

Douche: Are you from DC?

Ryan: Yeah.

Douche: I mean FROM DC?

Ryan: I lived in southern VA until I was 11, then moved to the DC area.

Douche: The DC AREA? Area? So, you aren't from DC?

Ryan: The DC suburbs.

Douche: I hate it when people say they're from a place that they aren't from. You're probably from Maryland.

Ryan: Virginia, actually.

Douche: Then why didn't you say that?

Ryan: If I said I was from Virginia, you would ask what part. I would tell you. Then you would say, "Why didn't you just say you're from DC?"

Douche: Well maybe, but at least I know my states. You're from VA and you tell people you're from DC.

I stared at her, flabbergasted. Bob was on my side. He tried to jump in, but she wouldn't allow it.

Ryan: There are 5-6 million people in metropolitan DC, and only about 400,000 live in DC

Douche: Well, I know someone who lived IN DC. 

Ryan: Sounds good.

Douche: How long have you lived in New York?

Ryan: Two years.

Douche: Where do you live?

Here we go again.

Ryan: Jersey City Heights, on the edge of Hoboken.

Douche: Um, excuse me, but that's not New York. That's New Jersey. That's not even the same state. 

Bob: It's the same distance to Manhattan as it is from Brooklyn and Queens.

Douche: That doesn't matter. It's a different state. Don't tell people you live in New York.

Ryan: What's wrong with you?

Douche: Look, I've lived on the Upper West Side for my entire life. I'm a New Yorker. And I hate when people say they live in New York and they don't.

Ryan: I have to go. It was great meeting you. I'll see you soon. Take care.

BIGGEST DOUCHE EVER.

Then I walked to my car. It had been towed. I thought I was parked legally. I paid the meter. Turns out the meter was only for commercial vehicles, however the sign looks like it's parking for meters or commercial vehicles. Anyway, things worked out. I got to pay $300 ($185 for the tow, and $115 for the ticket) to have my car moved to a convenient location 11 blocks away ($27 per block), which allowed me the opportunity to have a cab driver who not only didn't speak English, but also didn't understand the number 38. He tried to take me to 30th Street, then 41st, then 40th. Finally, I got out at 40th, figuring it was as close as I was going to get. This story has no ending.

Eddie Murphy Doing Stand-Up Again

Check this out. He did a few minutes at the Comedy Store last night.

Dickfor of the Week: Congress

-Congress just gave themselves a $4,700 raise. It's an annual cost-of-living adjustment. The problem, of course, is normal wages have decreased for everyone else for the past seven years, regardless of cost-of-living. Their pay should go up and down proportionally with the national wage:cost ratio. It's not like other people can vote for a raise. And they were already making $169K. 

-Please let me know if you have met one of the following:

An atheist NASCAR fan.

A vegan Republican.

-I said something at the same time someone else said the same thing. Normally when this happens, the people involved move on. Occasionally, one person will say "Jinx." That's acceptable, but not encouraged. Someone recently said "Twinsburg" to me. I couldn't go along with that. I asked,  "What did you say?" "Oh, 'Twinsburg.' It's just a joke." No, Twinsburg is not a joke. It's a personality flaw. If you say that to people, please stop.

-After a college show, Sean Gabbert and I were hanging out with the Student Activities people from the school,. One of the girls was from Algeria, and awful at being a person. Examples of doucheness:

-"I'm from Algeria. Yeah, that's NORTHERN Africa. I AM NOT from southern Africa." That's the equivalent of saying, "Thank God I'm no black."

-She randomly said, "I love Jewish people," like she was trying to make up for something.  That's a pretty blanket statement. Then she said something about how great "Jewish food" is. Sean said that he thinks it's bland, and asked "Are you sure you're eating Jewish food, or Algerian food that's cooked by Jews?" It was Algerian food. How did she not realize this? I said, "The restaurant above the Comedy Cellar is Israeli, and the food is awesome. Then again, it might be Palestinian food that was adopted by Israelis," which is just a guess, because it's not traditional Jewish food. Then douche said, "You're right, because Israel doesn't exist. They are occupiers." That's how you make a dinner very awkward.

-Her:"I'm sorry, but hunting is just wrong. It shouldn't be legal."

Me: "You're eating chicken. Right now, you are chewing on chicken. It's in your mouth."

Her: "Yeah, but I didn't kill it."

Me: "Someone did."

Her: "So?"

No more than five seconds later...

Her: "One time I was at a sheep sacrifice and they kill it by..."

Me: "Hold on. You're anti-hunting, and pro-sacrifice? That's not hypocritical to you?"

Her: "Um, no. It was for religious purposes."

Sean: "Oh, then that's different." He was being sarcastic.

Her: Exactly.

-Sean and I were hanging out with other people after another show. Very PC, uptight-white people. I was talking about Extras (Ricky Gervais) with a guy. We both liked the show a lot. He said, "I really like the episode where the woman is dating the... the... the..." I knew he was talking about when she was dating a black guy. The episode was about white people being too racially sensitive and trying too hard to not sound racist. But he missed that theme, I guess. He wouldn't say black. And I wasn't going to help him. Finally, he figured out how he would describe the guy. He went for "The British African-American guy." British, African, American. All three. Covering all the bases. Even though the show takes place in England, and there's no reason to even think that the guy as been to the United States. Douche face.

Even better... One of the people said that the place we were at had great food. What kind? "Asian-Latin fusion." You should know that most of the clientele at "fusion" places are douches. I responded, "That's a weird fusion - Asian and Hispanic." People started to get uncomfortable. Then I clarified. "I have never seen an Asian person dating an Hispanic person, ever. I haven't seen it." People were very uncomfortable. But it's true. No one has ever seen it. Then Sean put the icing on the awkward cake by saying, "Even if I thought I saw an Asian-Hispanic couple, one of them was probably Filipino."

Your mission: Find me an Asian-Hispanic couple, an atheist NASCAR fan, and a vegan Republican.

DC Improv this week

I'll be featuring at the DC Improv tonight through Sunday. Come out, if you can. Ticket info is at dcimprov.com. My friend, Seaton Smith, is hosting. He's hilarious. That's an incentive.

Wegmans is a Grocery Store

-Before the comedy, let's touch on the President Bush farewell party. Two major issues that make him front runner in the Dick of the Century sweepstakes.

Watch this video:

He acknowledges, finally, that Al Qaeda had nothing to do with Iraq until after we invaded. And his response was "So what?" So what? Is he fucking serious? We've lost over 4200 Americans, and had enough casualties to populate a small city, and he responds "So what?" He's acknowledging that the war was needless, and he brushes it off. I can't believe this. I've had over 10 friends serve there. One friend from high school was killed. All of the others lost many of their brothers and sisters there. And his response, in accidentally acknowledging that the war was unjust, was "So what?" I hope that no parents, spouses or family members of fallen soldiers see this.

On top of the American casualties, over 140,000 Iraqis have been killed. Their infrastructure has been destroyed. Meanwhile at home, the war has doubled the national debt. But hey, so what?

- Also, the Senate Armed Forces Committee has put out a report, known as the Levin-McCain Report, on American torture. The committee has 11 Democratic members, and 10 Republican members. No one dissented in the report's conclusion that the mandate for torture came from the top of the Bush administration, meaning Bush, Cheney and Rumsfeld. So what?

The Washington Post's Dan Froomkin writes about it here.

Andrew Sullivan, of The Atlantic, has been writing about it constantly on his blog.

The actual report is located here.

- I'm not going to look up the videos, because I refuse to put any energy into Kanye West, but there are a couple funny ones out there. One is him performing on Conan a few weeks ago. He attempts to sing, and it hurts the ears. Pretty funny. The other video is an interview in which his ego is revealed. My roommate can't stand the guy because of his ego. Until this, I didn't understand how big his ego is. He said, and I'm paraphrasing, "If the Bible was re-written today I would definitely be in it. Think about it. The Bible was about Jesus and about 20 friends and important people. Are you telling me that I'm not one of the 20 most important people in the world?" Yes, Kanye, that's what I'm telling you. I do applaud the size of his balls in making this statement. It sounds like something I would say in Crucial Element. Note: At the Poonanza on Saturday, I also got down on one knee, doing hip thrusts, and put the mic up to my crotch, after saying, "Listen up, you can hear the ocean." So, Crucial Element isn't exactly good company if you want to be taken seriously.  Kanye West... what a dick. 

-And now, a funny story...

I was at my parents' house last week, when my mom asked me to go to the grocery store for her. My brother, Joaquim, 16, wanted to go with me to drop off a job application. On our way to the store, I told Joaquim to ask to speak to a manager, introduce himself, etc... Instead, we got there, he walked over to Customer Service, handed someone his application and said, "Here's this." Solid.

Then we made our way up the aisles to find German Chocolate for my mom. As we passed deodorant, I remembered that I was about to run out. As I was picking out my deodorant, Joaquim noticed something on the opposite shelves.

Joaquim: Yo, Ryan. What the heck? They have... aww man. Just out in the open? I can't believe this mess...

I turned around. He was looking at condoms.

Joaquim: Why would they have this stuff just out on shelves? People could steal them, and put the boxes back. Then people want to buy condoms and they end up with an empty box.

I continued to ignore him. By the way, he was talking loud enough for anyone within 25 feet to hear.

Joaquim: Oh, snap! They have vibrators too!

I was still ignoring him, because he isn't supposed to acknowledge to me that he knows what a vibrator is. Then he raised his voice.

Joaquim: Ryan, check this out! Why do they have vibrators in the grocery store?

I couldn't let him keep talking about vibrators, so I turned around, knowing that they don't sell vibrators at Wegman's. Why? Because Wegman's is a grocery story. I walked over to see what he was looking at. It was KY His/Hers lube, not vibrators.

Me: That's not what that is.

Joaquim: Then what is it?

Me: I'm not going to tell you. But that's not what it is.

He looked at the package more closely.

Joaquim: Oh, it's lube. It's just lube. I thought they were vibrators. Dang, they have all kinds of lube here. Look at this! Ryan, look at this.

Me: I'm not looking at lube with you.

Joaquim: What the heck... What is this? Oh, I thought it was face lotion.

That was the line that killed me. "Oh, I thought it was face lotion." How funny would it be if he was going to school with KY on his face? I told my cousin, Antoine about this. He suggested that I should have just left him. I never thought about the fact that I could have. Because Joaquim is black and I'm white, people wouldn't assume that he's my little brother. This begs the question: Which is more awkward, a hetero guy looking at lube with another guy, while onlookers assume something else, or looking at lube with your brother? I'm going to say looking at lube with your brother is about 25x more awkward.

When we got home, I assumed this was over. But we entered the kitchen. Joaquim and my mom were on one side. I was on the other, at the table, putting down a bag of macaroons, when Joaquim decided to talk. Keep in mind that my entire "sex talk" was, "Um... you're carrying a loaded weapon. Um... watch where you point it... And, um... keep the safety on."

Joaquim: Mom, you are not going to believe what they have at the grocery store. They have Trojans, Magnums, Dura-somethings... all kinds of condoms...

Mom: Why are you telling me this?

I was frozen, staring at macaroons.

Joaquim: Because. I couldn't believe it...

Then he went on a tirade about how people could steal them. I was hoping the conversation would be diverted to thievery, until Joaquim got back on task.

Joaquim: And they had vibrators! Who would want some mess like that?

Mom: I wish you would stop telling me this.

Joaquim: Actually it turned out that they weren't vibrators. It was lube.

Mom: Please stop.

I'm still staring at the macaroons, frozen.

Joaquim: They had so many kinds of lube. You had to see it to believe it.

Mom: Joaquim, I don't want you to tell me this.

Joaquim: I'm just saying that Wegman's is dirty, that's all.

I stood, staring at the macaroons for another 30 seconds, until my body unfroze and I was able to run out of the room.

here ya go

This is an old one that I started writing off-line, and never posted. I just found it. I never finished it, but what's there is funny...

-I talked to a friend last night. He started the conversation by asking, "How gay is it to spend your Saturday at a pinata-making class?" I didn't even know how to answer that.My instant reaction was, on a scale of 1-10, I guess it's probably an 8, if 10 is an all-male orgy. But after thinking about it, it's more weird than gay. More than I think, "That's gay," I think, "He must be active on Craigslist." How you find out about a pinata class? That's the baffling part. And slightly more shocking is the fact that there is a pinata-making teacher. Do you need a certification to teach a pinata class? I don't know. Where would you get such a license? Color me baffled. When you discover the class on Craigslist, do you immediately say, "I'm in!" Or is there a process that goes from, "Seriously?" to "No way!" to "What the hell is this?" to "I like candy," to "I really like candy," to "Candy is best when it falls from an animal-shaped container," to "Pinatas are so expensive in stores," to "It's about time I did something for myself for a change."

After making fun of him for a couple minutes, he defended himself by saying, "The class was free, and I'm trying to save money." This is ridiculous because it implies that there's some kind of mandate stating that he has to learn how to make pinatas, and all the other classes are muy caro. You don't have to go to free classes to save money. That's my point. YOu can stay home. You can go to a park, or museum in DC. 

-I went to a bachelor party in the Outer Banks from Thursday until Sunday. I will soon have a long blog to write about this, as I have for every a few other bachelor parties. Before I can do that, I have to decide what I should and shouldn't write. In the meantime, here is a preview of a few things that my friend, John Luoma, the bachelor, said:

"This may be a stupid question, but where is Sadam Hussein now?"

Shocked silence set in the rental van. All six of us were absolutely stunned. We asked, "Are you serious?" a few times. He insisted that he was. Someone blurted out, "He's dead!"

John got defensive, and shot back, "I know. I know he's dead."

I said, "No you didn't."

Lundy asked, "How did he die?"

John, as if he had just written a paper on the subject, but somehow forgot when he asked the question, defensively replied, "He died of a heart attack. It was like three years ago. I don't know how I forgot."

Poonanza 6: SMELL IT!

We're doing our sixth Poonanza this Saturday, December 13 at the DC Improv. If you haven't been to any of the previous shows, you should know the following:

-They have all sold out. Tickets would need to be bought ASAP.

-They have all been very funny, with each show being better than the previous one.

-This will be the third straight Poonanza to feature a performance by Crucial Element .

-I consider you to be "pretty cool." If you come to this show, you will be upgraded to "very cool."

Show info:

Buy tickets online , or by calling the DC Improv at 202.296.7008.

December 13, 8PM

Cast: Larry Poon, Jon Mumma, Justin Schlegel, Jay Hastings, Me, featuring the stand-up of Erin Conroy and David Angelo, and a couple songs by Crucial Element.

You will like this show. 

Craigslist

Al and I were bored one night last week. He started doing what any other sane person would do in the face of boredom: look through the Craigslist "Casual Encounters."

Here are some gems.

-So when can we meet, greet, n get between the sheets? - w4m - 21

Hey, I'm just an average all american girl looking for a good time. I'm a just under 5'6", golden blonde w/brown highlights, almond complected curvy cutie, all out hottie with a killer smile. I have pics and I'm sure you will like them!

Football season, and my team... the Browns... SUCK! So, I'm looking for a new team. Who do you like...? If you are a Browns fan... do NOT reply! Thank you. Hope to hear from you really really soon!

All of the XOXOXO's you can handle!

One, she's a braggart. Very vain. And two, the obvious. Look, I don't care who you are. I don't care if you're otherwise cool. NO FUCKING BROWNS FANS. NONE! DO YOU UNDERSTAND ME? If you aren't a Browns fan, "All of the XOXOXO's you can handle!" So, if you aren't a Browns fan, and are browsing Craigslist, and are looking to exchange hugs with a random person, she's your girl. I'm not 100% certain, but I think that people who seriously scour this page aren't looking for hugs and kisses.

Oh, and what's this? Browns girl strikes again?

Traffic-stopping hot chic here, with pics! - w4m - 21

Hey, I'm just an average all american girl looking for a good time. I'm a 5' 5 and 3/4 inches, curly blonde locks, slender with an hourglass, down to earth dime piece who hates snobbyness. I have pics and I'm sure you will like them!

If you are a Browns fan... do NOT reply! Thank you. I really need mr right, to come handle his business... so if you are him what are you waiting for???

I'm not going to pass out my phone number right away, but you can go to my sites and see pics and other contact information! See you on my site soon!

Peace and Love to you Tuesday and tomorrow too!

Apparently the first post wasn't getting any responses, so she decided to regroup. She lets you know that she's a "traffic-stopper," but also lets you know that she's "average." This makes me think that she's a crossing guard, or a crazy person who stands in the streets. Either way, not a strong sell.

This post is all about precision. She also must have thought that calling herself "just under 5'6"" is a little murky, so she went with 5'5.75" Hmmm, 5'5.75"... I'm warming up to this one. And not golden blonde hair, but "curly blonde locks." Okay, the picture is getting clearer. 

She obviously wants her business to be handled, specifically by "Mr. Right," who is not a Browns fan. I'm not a Browns fan. But what's the catch? Oh, there it is. "Tuesday and tomorrow too!" It's a limited time offer. Just like the Commemorative Obama Plates, her Die will be destroyed tomorrow. Too good to be true.