The All-Time NFL All-Fuck Up Team

The NFL just announced the annual All-Pro team. While it is good to recognize the great players, it's just as important to remember the fuck-ups. Here is the list, including their biggest fuck-up offenses.

Quarterback

Michael Vick - Probably the thing he did with the dogs.

Ryan Leaf - He was a top pick and probably the worst starting QB in history. He once had 5 turnovers and 4 yards in a game. I almost called this list "The Ryan Leaf All Fuck-Up Team."

Todd Marinovich - Heroin, meth and sexual assault. If not for football, he would be giving a lot of cheap blowjobs.

Jim Druckenmiller - One of three VA Tech quarterbacks on the list. First round pick. Drunk. Only played six games.  Indicted for rape. Acquitted. Still, he was tried. He was an NFL player. You'd think he wouldn't have to rape.

Marcus Vick - Another VT favorite. Mike's little brother didn't make it to the NFL because he decided to get some 15-year-old girls drunk. Also, molestation and fraud.

Matt Leinart - Looks like the biggest frat douche in professional sports. Appears to be not be an actual fuck-up though. 

Ben Rothlesberger - Not an actual fuck-up either. But he's on the list for being the only guy who looks better after a major motorcycle accident.

Running Back

OJ Simpson -  This one is controversial, but we're going to consider murder and kidnapping a "fuck-up."

Maurice Clarett - So much hype, but decided to forego the NFL and go straight to jail. Robbery, concealed weapon, and other stuff. Word on the street is he's a standout in the prison leagues.

Lawrence Phillips - The Yoda to Clarett's Luke. So much potential, but even more crimes. Almost choked his girlfriend to death, hit three teenagers with his car, assault with a deadly weapon,  and other assorted assaults. His biggest offense, however came in 1998 against the Cardinals. He was the RB for the 49ers. He missed a block. Steve Young, still in his prime, was blind-sided and his career ended because of a severe concussion.

Travis Henry - Nine kids with nine women. Drugs.

Rashsan Salaam - Nothing criminal. Just a huge bust. He was supposed to be great, but seemed like a kid playing with adults. But I'll give credit where it's due. He was the 4th leading rusher in the XFL.

Cedric Benson - Similar expectations as Salaam, but incredibly subpar and overpaid. Last summer, he was arrested twice. The Bears released him. How do we know he's a fuck-up? The Bengals picked him up.

Larry Johnson - Incredible player, but four arrests for assaulting women. That's against the law.

Wide Receiver

Rae Carruth - Pretty good player, however he killed his pregnant girlfriend because he didn't want a baby. What a dick. He had the choices of A) condom now, or B) murder later, and chose the latter. I bet most people don't even remember this, even though it was just a few years ago. If this happened with an NBA player, can you imagine the public outrage? The NFL has a good PR department.

Freddie Mitchell - Biggest trash-talker ever. Would be acceptable if he was good.

Matt Jones - I think 6 grams is a lot of cocaine, but I'm not sure.

Chris Henry - In his still young career, he has been arrested for DUI, possesion, assault, assault with a firearm, getting young girls drunk, criminal damaging (whatever that is), and several other things. On top of this, he's average and a dick. Can't he just stay in jail?

Michael Westbrook - Knocked out his own teammate, Stephen Jackson, in training camp.

Plaxico Burress - Domestic disturbances, being a dick, and shooting himself in the leg in a club are the reasons Plaxico is a fuck-up.

Tight End

Kellen Winslow II - Dumbass tattoos, motorcycle accident that was his fault, ball infection, and said the following about a college football game. I stress the word game.

"Yeah, I don't give a hell. It's about this U, man. I don't give a flyin' you-know-what about a Vol. I don't give a damn! He would do the same thing to me. It's war. They don't give a freakin' you-know-what about you. They will kill you. They're out there to kill you. So I'm 'a kill 'em. You write that in the paper. You write that. You make money off that. No, man, I'm pissed. All y'all take this down. I'm pissed, man. We don't care about nobody except this U. We don't. If I didn't hurt him, he'd hurt me. They were gunnin' for my legs. I'm 'a come right back at 'em. I'm a fuckin' soldier!"

Offensive Line

Nate Newton - Awesome football player. Bad drug smuggler. Caught with 213 pounds of marijuana. Oops.

John Runyan - Great player, but probably the dirtiest player of the last 20 years, other than Romanowski. Runyan is known to spit in people's faces and grab their balls. Us folks at RyanConnerComedy.Com don't approve of that kind of activity.

Defensive Line

Leonard Little - A few drinking related arrests. And, I almost forgot, manslaughter. But he paid his debt to society and served 90 days in jail. 90 days for killing a person in Missouri? Seriously? That's where I'm committing all of my crimes from now on.

Tank Johnson - With a name like "Tank," you know he's either a good fullback, or a criminal. He chose criminal. He had a lot of illegal weapons. Oops.

Linebacker

Brian Bosworth - Should have been great as a pro, but didn't pan out at all. He also sued the NFL for the right to wear number 44. Kind of a dick-move.

Bill Romanowski - Known as one of the dirtiest players ever. He ended the career of one of his teammates by shattering the guy's face with his fist. Oh yeah, it was a product of 'roid rage. That's probably an important detail.

Defensive Back

Pacman Jones - Read the news today.

Eugene Robinson - Awesome player, however he offered an undercover cop $40 for a blowjob. Seriously, I had no idea it was that cheap.

Kicker/Punter

Todd Saurbraun - Steriods. Sure, a lot of athletes take steroids. But this is a punter. W-T-F?

Kick Return

Tamarick Vanover - Solid kick-returner by day, stolen car salesman by night.

Coach

Steve Spurrier - Huge flop in the NFL. Like really huge.

Marty Mohrningweg- Chose to kick in overtime.

Bill Belichek - Cheating asshole.

By Ryan Conner, Alan Skontra and Glen Quesenberry