Inauguration, Son.

I went to the Inauguration on Tuesday. My friend, Jon Mumma, had two tickets, and we got to sit up front. I'll give a run-down of the day in bullets. Some points are funny, others are interesting, others are just bragging.

-Jon and I got in line for the Port-a-Potties on our way in, after security, but before the Capitol Lawn. We lined up for the ones where everyone happened to be shitting. Good stuff. People were in there for over 10 minutes. The guy who held up the one I went into tried to apologize by leaving an apple in the john. I'm allergic to apples, especially piss-covered apples. I think he left it as an air-freshener. But you have to cut it for that to work. He just sat it down. It was a Granny Smith.

-This isn't in chronological order. When we were coming out of the Capitol South Metro Station, it was so packed that people were hardly moving. Once we were within sight of the escalators, we saw the problem. Due to the number of people, the escalators would start and stop sporadically. Instead of just walking up the stairs, as most would do when they see steps, people would turn around and yell, "It's broke." Then they would stand there until enough people instructed them that they can walk up the stairs if they stop moving.

"An escalator can never break. It can only become stairs. You will never see an Escalator Temporarily Out of Order sign. Just Escalator Temporarily Stairs. Sorry for the Convenience."

-Mitch Hedberg

-There was a lot of merch being sold. If Obama wanted to set up a table to sell t-shirts or CDs, he could have made a killing. Like Dane Cook money. People sold Obama-McCain condoms, hats, buttons, and a couple people were charging to take a picture with a cardboard cut-out of Obama. The cut-out was Obama's head on Tom Daschle's body. I know it wasn't Obama's body because the hands were white, and holding Tom Daschle's glasses. So it was either Daschle's body, or a guy who holds Daschle's glasses for pictures.

I can't believe people are making so much money off of bootleg merchandise. It seems like Obama should get royalties, or a kickback to the government, or something. This probably hasn't been a problem in the past. I can't imagine anyone selling Gerald Ford condoms.

Crucial Element should have been there, selling "Ohdrama" CDs.

-Jon and I sat next to Al Franken, George Allen, Dikembe Mutombo, another NBA center (maybe Tyson Chandler - couldn't tell due to the scarf covering most of his face), and a guy who is either a Middle-East dignitary, or he played one in a movie.

Franken seemed as smug as can be. I didn't see him acknowledge anyone else's presence. He left when the poet started speaking, before the national anthem. He was also wearing a huge fur hat.

George Allen, whose politics I despise, seemed very friendly. He was talking to everyone who wanted to talk. He looked like a stereotypical rich white man, wearing a calf-length camel hair coat, a Burberry scarf, and a Stetson hat, with a feather and a small duck on it. I told Jon, "He looks like he hunts foxes," while Jon simulataneously said, "He looks like he has hounds." He also left before the national anthem.

Mutombo and the other NBA player stayed through the whole thing. They were very nice to everyone in the area. I felt bad for them. Everyone wanted pictures with them. I was going to ask, because how often do you run into Mutombo at the Capitol? Just then, a couple women asked the guys to hold their babies for pictures. At that point, I decided to forego this year's NBA draft. 

And the foreign dignitary/actor looked very rich. Like oil rich.

-Bush got booed so loudly. What you heard on TV was nothing. They had the crowd mics off. It was as loud as the cheers for Obama. It was pretty embarrassing. I can see booing him a year ago, but he only had about 20 minutes left as president. The fact that there were 2 million people there made it clear that he wasn't popular. Being there sent a strong enough message.

We didn't hear them announce Cheney. I thought that if Bush got it that bad, there would be a riot when they announced Cheney. But no one in my section heard him introduced. I wonder if he requested for his intro to not be played over the PA. Everyone around me thought that Cheney didn't show.

-They put the poet after Obama's address? Worst booking ever? Why wouldn't the address be last? You have to be really good to follow someone who can draw 2 million people. That's like if they brought Pryor back from the dead, and I had to follow him. She should have opened with crowd work.

-On the Metro platform, someone yelled, "You fuckin' tourists need to shut the fuck up and go home!" Really? It's inauguration day, and you didn't expect tourists to be on the Metro? On any given day, half of the people in DC around the Mall are tourists. I don't know how this surprised her. It's like going to the Super Bowl and being surprised that people are playing football.

-The night before the Inauguration, Adams-Morgan and U St felt like it was New Year's Eve. So packed. I wonder if tourists thought it was always like that. If you were there as a tourist, the answer is no.

-I wonder how many people brought condoms to the Inauguration, thinking, "Yeah, I know it's 20 degrees, and outside, during the day, surrounded by millions of people, but hey, Obama is president. Anything is possible."