The Second Coming

- I read an article about an aquarium in Japan. A female shark living in seclusion her whole life gave birth. Virgin birth. How many of us can honestly say that we knew Jesus would come back as a shark? Jawsus.  Incredible. Never saw it coming. Sure, we know that Jesus ate a lot of fish, but I didn't know he was that into them. 

Also, the Bible says that when Jesus comes back, everyone will doubt him. Who's going to believe this? "Hey man. Did you hear that Jesus came back?" No, what's he up to? "Well, he's a hammerhead, so I guess he's migrating to warmer waters." Shut your mouth. "Different agenda from the first Jesus. His mission is to eat all the sea trout he can find. But hey, ambition is ambition." 

- There's a Dodge Charger on my street, with a decal on the windshield that reads "SMILE HATERZ". Okay, a few problems here. Any decal is obviously a bad decal, but saying people are "hating" on your Dodge is a bit of a stretch. "Stop hatin' on my Levi's, son." Of course the 'z' in HATERZ is annoying as well. But the stupidest part is that this person is trying to taunt "haterz," but because there's no comma between "SMILE" and "HATERZ," it looks like this person is in an anti-smile group called the SMILE HATERZ. Then again, commas don't look right on decals. So, what to do then? Oh, I know. How about no decals ever?

-Bad company names that I've seen on the road recently:

Tom Raper Homes

Bill Buttram Photography

Do yourself a favor and go to the Buttram site and look at the senior picture of the kid dressed as a firefighter, surrounded by fire. Very fake. Very funny. No friends.

-Other signs in Indiana:

"Shrine to Christ's Passion - Hell is REAL!" Fear tactics anyone? "Shrine to the Patriot Act - Terrorists want to kill you and your family because they hate your freedom!!!"

A picture of a little girl and her mom. Text: "Remember that time I saw a cow being born?" If there was a follow-up billboard for this one, I'm guessing it would say, "You do remember? Good. Well, why would you want me to see that? Fuck you for giving me nightmares." If you've never seen a cow birth, avoid it at all costs. Think Alien.

-I was in Chicago for a Smashing Pumpkins concert last month. Best concert ever, by the way. The funny thing was Billy Corgan brought his little brother, Jesse, on stage to play auxilliary percussion instruments during the last song and encore. His brother is actually a great artist(paint), but he's very autistic. Anyway, he's the subject of one of the Pumpkins' songs, "Spaceboy." So, the crowd knew about him and was very supportive, cheering everything he did. And I'm sure he's never had 5,000 people cheer for him, so he was soaking it up. As he played, during rests, he was trying to get the crowd going like Hulk Hogan. But the best was when Billy was talking between songs, and he asked Jesse if he wanted to say anything to his fans. Jesse sauntered over to the mic and yelled, "Hey Billy!!!" After the next song, Billy gave him another shot. Jesse came to the mic with confidence and yelled, "H-O-C Rules!!!" I thought I just wasn't in the know, for not being familiar with H-O-C. But everyone on stage was looking around, trying to figure it out too. Billy said, "I have no idea of what he said."  He leaned over to Jesse and asked him. Then Billy cleared the air. "He gave a shout out to his work. Unbelievable."